my cup runneth over

Oh boy. I mean, oh men. I feel like I've really got my hands full.

It's been a challenge this last week since Rob made the casual suggestion that I move in with him. It brought my emotion back to the surface (which I've struggled to keep in check) and we ended up spending quite a few nights together which in turn brought us closer.

Meanwhile Andy's in LA, not responding to my request for what he wants in a relationship, and being somewhat distant emotionally due to upcoming projects on his mind. So I let that cool for a few days. Till today. Then the tables turned.

Andy and I had a Skype call in which he was very attentive and brought back my smile (but still no list). While I'm Skyping with Andy, Rob calls on the phone, wanting to know when I'll be ready for "company". I told him I was just finishing up a call and then I'd be free. Later that night as we were falling asleep he told me that my comment about finishing up the call was a real jolt. He had almost forgotten about my thing with Andy and had hoped I had too. (NOT.) He feels that if we spend time together and share such closeness that it seems like I am all his again.

The truth is, that oftentimes when I am with Rob, I am completely into him. But when I am away from him for a bunch of hours, or especially days, I think less and less about him. My mind wanders to other activities, and love interests. It's always been that way with Rob, and I thought it was a sign that he was not the one. I hate to admit it, but it's true.

So, lots of heavy conversation ensued, and we came around to the same place we always do. He decides to think positive, stay in the moment and enjoy me while he has me. He stated once again--we are friends and lovers. Curious enough though, he is still talking about me moving in. And I got a little sucked into that fantasy over the last couple days.

Today at work I answered my phone. The first words I hear are I miss you so much oozing with sincerity and a little desperation. It was Andy. He proceeded to tell me how he had to tell another close friend all about me last night, how great it is to have me for a girlfriend, how good I make him feel. And how much it feels like it's getting closer to reality. He also said that he has to make the trip to me happen...soon.

Andy left me thinking of nothing (and no one) else the rest of the workday. He does that. He waltzes in and completely rocks my world. And apparently I rock his too.

On my 45-minute drive home I couldn't help but wonder if I am truly blessed or completely nuts for getting into this situation. And it's not even the first time. I have a history of being in love with 2 men at once. Why do I do this? I'm happy to have them, but I am scared of hurting them. The stakes are higher than I anticipated. They are both in love with me.

And by the way, no list from Andy yet.