outta my gourd

I'm having one of those days where there are so many things I could and should be doing, but I don't feel like doing any of them. I'm bored. It feels dangerous.

Today's the first day in the last 6 that I actually feel good. I hadn't been sick for like 2 years until this past week when I got a massive headcold. Now that I'm out of that mess, I'm into another--BOREDOM.

Not much is holding my interest today even though it's finally warmer out, snow is melting and the sun's shining, and I'm feeling good again for God's sake! The kids are at their dad's and I'm listening to good tunes all by myself. No one to bug me or need anything from me. A wide open day and I don't know what the hell to do with it.

Two hours later: I've vacuumed the house, scraped ice off my driveway, fantasized about sex (while doing those things), looked through the cupboards, started a load of laundry and finally I realized what my problem is. In this last week I've forgotten who I am.

I've had very little chance to do something that makes me feel good about myself. No great work accomplishments (I could barely function), no profound moments as mother (that was also a struggle being sick), and no sex. Rob seemed a little scared of catching what I had, so he stayed away. Not that I was in the mood for sex anyway...and he called me a couple times a day asking if I needed anything, he brought me flowers on Friday night and visited (cautiously) for a couple hours. He was very sweet.

But when I finally spent some time with him yesterday afternoon, I felt like there was something standing between us. He was distracted, or he was treating me different. He didn't flirt with me, holy shit, that was it!!! Now that's something I've never seen from him. From the day I met him, he was a flirt. And yesterday he was not. I felt slighted. But we went some places together and by the time he dropped me off back at home I felt okay.

Last night I went to his house and we watched a movie till 10 or so, then went to bed. We got physical, and sex was very satisfying in a physical way, but I longed for the closeness of our hearts that we usually have prior to getting physical. I'm missing the intimacy. That's always been the magic ingredient that makes our sex so deeply moving and explosive.

This morning was better. We had our typical Sunday morning lying in bed touching, feeling each other's warmth, finding private spots to caress, lingering until we decide it's time to get out of bed while it's still light out. Then we chat over coffee, in separate chairs in his livingroom so that we actually talk instead of screw.

And it was there, from across the room, that he 'sparkled' at me, his beautiful blue eyes. He had been saying something about how he should move his new tv to the other wall and blah blah blah (?) whatever, I was undressing him, feeling his hot skin, smelling it, letting his love envelop me as I happily succumb to the moment..... Then he looks at me, smiles, and says Hey you, where'd you go?!, meanwhile knowing damn well where I went.

I just haven't had enough of him after that dry spell. I'm going back for more tonight. Superbowl or not. I'm going to lift his shirt and brush my face across his stomach, feel that smoothness and let my lips follow that soft fur trail leading downward. That warm smell I can't resist. Run my hands up his shirt across his softly sculpted chest, noticing whether his nipples are hard or not, finding my way around to his back and pulling myself tightly against him. I'll bury my face in his neck, take a couple gentle bites while I grind against him and then plant soft kisses all the way to his mouth. I want a long soft kiss. I want his total involvement. Throw me down on the couch, pin me down and have his way with me. Put his whole being into me.

That's not asking for much, right?