one year in LA

Still a newbie, but definitely learning the ropes, I am extremely proud to say that I survived my first year living in LA. Not for the faint of heart, LA chews you up and spits you out, all the while asking how much more do you want to take? Then, when you look it square in the eye and say bring it on bitch, it backs off and says ok, I guess you can stay.

Victorious? Well, not quite yet. Still some obstacles to overcome, and I certainly have not met my main goals in coming here. But for now I am happy to be healthy, employed, in love, and finding my space in the city of angels.

The other night as I was leaving Santa Monica and merging onto the 405 from the 10, I saw the lights of downtown LA on my right far off in the distance, the buildings of the Wilshire district at my immediate right and the hills of the San Fernando Valley ahead. It was a sight to behold--I mean it is so damn beautiful and breathtaking that sometimes it hits me and I get a little choked up.

Where else in this country, maybe in the whole world, has all this to offer?--ocean beaches, nightlife, endless action, culture, mountains, cities within cities, amazing weather, shopping galore, everything...except my family.

Dunno, guess LA's growing on me a little.

sacred space

Space is essential to getting in touch with yourself. I need space to find my peace. There is little peace within our apartment, unless I go into the bathroom, shut the door and run bath water. There I can be alone and uninterrupted in my thoughts.

Today I found peace on a walk in the neighbourhood, weaving in and out of the side streets. What I love most about these streets, besides the fact that they are quieter than the high-traffic, siren-blaring city street that we live on, is that I can get deeper into my head and go places that feel good and right to me.

I experimented today on my walk. I decided to see how far I could go mentally while fantasizing about a ‘perfect life’. My hope was to raise my mental and emotional state to a level that would attract all great things to me. I know these things are waiting for me, but I need to achieve and maintain a higher level of being in order to bring them to me faster. So this is how it went…

I imagined going to a job that I loved, in a place that I admired, doing work that was meaningful and rewarding, working with people who were fun, smart and kind, producing great things, having awesome conversations with my coworkers and all business associates, eating fabulous lunches, wearing great clothes, and basically, enjoying every minute that I spend there.

Then I’d have a pleasant drive home in a gorgeous car which was always clean, and arrive at my home sweet home on a peaceful street lined with cute houses with pretty gardens, white fences or regal gates, and lovely trees with lots of chirping birds.

I’d come home to loved ones who’d had a marvellous day themselves, including my easygoing maintenance-free pets. A heavenly smell would be wafting from the kitchen and we’d soon be sitting down to dinner, but not until we shared a glass of wine. The sun was always shining and lighting up the inside of our house, windows open, but warm floors, and fresh flowers in vases.

Dinner is amazing especially because I didn’t have to cook it myself. We talk, share stories and laugh. After clearing the table we go for a walk, or I putter in the garden with my companion 2^nd glass of wine in hand. The singing of the birds fades as the sun sinks in the sky. My garden patio is my Eden.

I go to sleep with the satisfaction of today behind me and the excitement of tomorrow ahead. When I wake, the sun is always there to invite me into the day. I am up earlier than everyone else, even my neighbors. My world is silent except for the birds and the perking sounds made by the coffee pot.

Walking into my kitchen bathed in morning sunlight, the window is still open from last night and the scent of sweet jasmine is wafting in. I pour myself some organic coffee in the mug that Maria gave me many Christmases ago and walk out the back door onto the sunny stoop with my pets. I watch my pets wander through the garden, butterflies land on flowers, the sun warms my bare legs, the caffeine lifts me and ideas for the day start flowing.

I’ll plant something today. Mom will come over for lunch and we’ll talk for a couple hours about life and stuff. Later I’ll take Maria shopping and we’ll buy whatever we damn well please, because we can. Andy will bring Christie and the 4 of us will meet somewhere nice for dinner and drinks, maybe overlooking the ocean.

All the while I feel so blessed to have found exactly what I’ve been looking for, and I love every moment of my life.

You can see why I didn’t want to come back home after that walk. The fantasy was so real at one point that it brought tears to my eyes. That’s when I knew I was on my way to achieve what I had set out to do. It had felt so good in every sensual and spiritual way to dream that dream. I must go there again, and often. That magical place, my sacred space.

groovin' - in a state of pranic

So I'd sent out new feelers--to the animal shelter to volunteer, and to Carly for inspiration and girl-bonding. My number one priority was to start feeling awesomely happy again, whatever that took!

Finding a job had been pushed further down the list, but was not forgotten. I had the notion that I needed to network in a different way, especially after drawing that Oblique Strategies card that told me to abandon known instruments. Networks are everything when it comes to finding a new job. I know that because every single job I'd ever gotten, in one way or another, had been through someone I knew. And because my network here in LA is still sadly limited I needed to expose myself to more people, other types of people, besides Andy's friends.

I started looking for groups to join. Two birds, one stone: I'll make friends and just might get a lead on a job. I found this great website which allows you to search for groups in your area based on your interests. Once you join the group they email you notifications of upcoming meetings, as well as recommendations of other groups you might like to join. Holy shit--the possibilities are endless!

I wish I'd thought of this group idea sooner...it was a late, but incredible, discovery. Long story short, one group I joined was offering pranic healings. I'd never heard of that, but I've done Reiki, which I thought might be similar. I was gung ho to try it.

I went alone hoping to connect to some cool people (California hippies) and possibly leave there feeling better about life with a healing of some sort. Normal looking people filed in one by one until there were about 10 of us. No one was very outgoing, so I made small talk to a couple people sitting close to me. A middle aged man stood up and introduced himself as the group leader and proceeded to tell us what to expect of this 3 hour evening.

We began with some light exercises to wake up our energy centers and prepare us for accepting the divine energy. As a group we followed a 30-minute meditation by some pranic healing master on CD. This was the point I first started to feel my emotions loosen. A few tears rolled down my face as I visualized the people in my family that I wanted to shower with love and protection.

Having survived the meditation and more exercise rituals, I was excited to get to the healing part. I was assigned a female healer who'd been sitting among us though I didn't realize who she was until this point. She started by explaining to me that I could ask her to work on anything that I needed, whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. She would be healing me by way of clearing blockages in my chakras (energy centers), without touching me, as I sat quietly, eyes closed, and fully "open" to receiving a healing.

I stated my need to feel confident again; confident about my abilities and the way I express myself. I'd been reluctant to share my opinions or speak my truth to anyone here in California (except Carly) and was convinced that no one cared what I had to say and no one wanted to listen to me or hire me. That was all my healer needed to hear. I closed my eyes and she began her work.

For the next 45 minutes I took a journey inside my head and heart. It was like convoluted movie clips playing in my head (kind of like the boat ride in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, but with all good stuff). I was aware of feeling my heart opening, so much that I could sense love flowing in and out of it like warm lava.

There was a scene in which every nice thing people ever told me about myself was repeated--there was Rob, Cam, Lee, my bosses, my colleagues, friends, my grandma, my daughters, and random strangers who'd commented on how beautiful my smile is. Tears poured down my face in streams. It felt good, though I was afraid my white shirt would be drenched and covered with run-off makeup when this was all over.

Later in the healing I saw myself as a tree, a beautifully graceful tree with bare branches like thin fingers reaching up to the sky. Suddenly whitish-pink flowers bloomed over the entire tree, like a giant magnolia in prime season.

These are the things I was most aware of. Every time my mind wandered to my older daughter Maria, more tears gushed out. It was all part of the healing, I am sure. Again, when it was over and I'd opened my eyes, I was acutely aware of the feeling of love pulsing through the middle of me and surrounding me like a blanket. I felt as if I could love anything or anyone at that time, no matter how awful or ugly it/they were. Is this how God feels?, I wondered. Actually I didn't wonder, I knew. This was divine love.

After the healing, my healer and I had a conversation about what I'd been experiencing since I moved to LA. She reinforced the fact that I chose to come here and that I am supposed to be here. She said I chose this place and these circumstances to force myself to deal with longstanding issues. It would be an intense healing journey, meaning fast and furious, but it would be a permanent one. She gave me a few pointers on how to deal with people and businesses here and assured me this is all going my way.

I had to center myself again before I could actually get in my car and drive back home. I was feeling absolutely renewed, uplifted and completely hopeful in knowing that once again, I had life by the balls. I continued to float in this blissful state for the next few days and did everything I could to preserve the feeling. I prayed, meditated, practiced love and repeated affirmations whenever I was alone (so that Andy and Christie wouldn't think I'd totally lost it).

I've been back for 2 more pranic healings since then. Neither had the profound effect that the first one did, but they were still very worthwhile. I took my younger daughter Christie and she had a very similar experience to mine--an intense feeling of love as well as symptoms that cleared for 3-4 days. She needs to go again, and I will too. How can I ever resist something that good? I haven't felt that close to God in a long time. Too long.

Well, the group atmosphere was definitely more about getting healed than making friends or finding job leads, but I will gladly accept the gifts I've been given! And who knows...there could be many more gifts in store for me. :)

SOLD!

Feeling quite happy and proud of myself. My house is now 100% sold and I practically did it myself. Tonight the buyer waived all her conditions. I took her out for a drink to celebrate.

back...but not for long

Dinamo misses you! I have been in LA playing with Andy and planning a life! I arrived back east late last night, snow and ice to greet me. I thought this is all wrong. The look on my face as I stepped outside the airport probably said it best.

I have already moved to LA, mentally at least. I feel I no longer belong here. This was where the old me lived. The stuck me.

I've since met great people, my new comrades, dear and fascinating friends of Andy who have welcomed me into their lives with open arms. Anything you need, anything at all, you can depend on us. Who says that??!?!

Record breaking temperatures appeared just in time for my visit. It was heavenly. My first 5 minutes out of LAX I was hyperventilating over blooming flowers in mid-January, and driving with the windows rolled down at midnight. Why would anyone ever choose to leave this place willingly?

Andy and I had a whole week alone to explore life together, to look at schools for Christie, to sleep as late as we wanted, and to fuck in every room if we damn well pleased. And we took full advantage.

Highlights of the trip will be coming to you in the next while as I reminisce via blogland.

my top 10 of 2010

It's time for my top 10 moments of 2010. I love this part of the year. It's like being a kid on Halloween night. You know, when you dump the heaping bag of candy onto the livingroom floor, and say holy shit! Here I lay out all the gifts I've received. I look at them and just marvel at the blessings the year brought. Here goes...

#10 - Reconnecting with my old friend and mentor Wendy. What a fabulous summer party at a waterfront mansion. Aside from the glam venue, free-flowing wine and food, she made me feel good about myself again when I really needed it.

#9 - More blog action. Not only did I collect a few more followers, but they started talking to me. Love you guys. Blogging is therapy for me. And yours are quite entertaining.

#8 - My witch of a boss finally mellowed after 2 years. She now treats me with respect and I don't dread going into her office. Why the change? She went for life coaching after breaking up with her fiance. She came out a different person. Thank you, God!

#7 - Making my dad happy. Seeing him smile, inspiring him.

#6 - Feeling the joy of watching Andy paint, feeling his joy of painting. A preview to our life together.

#5 - The night Andy first told me I was 'such a good girl'. Oh man, that was one dirty night of sex. He now has a fetish for that black skirt.

#4 - Taking Christie to LA. Being able to take my daughter on a trip like this meant a lot to me. As a single mother struggling to make ends meet, how terrific it felt to fly us across the country to be in the same town where her beloved Jonas Brothers live, see the Pacific Ocean, Hollywood, palm trees. It was perfect. Pat on the back for Mom.

#3 - The moment when I knew. After a year of waffling between Rob and Andy (sometimes on a daily basis), I was finally able to decide with certainty which guy I wanted to spend my life with. And strangely enough I committed myself to him in a Target parking lot. Since that day I've never looked back. :D

#2 - Walking down Santa Monica Blvd. in my pyjamas. The first night of vacation anywhere is usually pretty magical. You're high on adrenaline from having arrived safely, you've escaped the daily grind, and you're at the beginning of a week of good times. This night was phenomenal. It spelled freedom. I remember the overwhelming feeling of I have arrived as I found myself discovering a great city, hand in hand with a great man.

#1 - Top honors go to the night that Christie and I went to see Jonny Lang. A hot summer night, an outdoor concert next to the water, one of my favorite musicians ever. These are the ingredients of an awesome night. But what sent it over the top was seeing Christie fall for Jonny (and his guitar) as much as I did. We connected in a new way, she saw a different side of me that she respected , maybe even admired, and I truly felt like I'd done a good thing. Not to mention that I TOUCHED him...holy shit. I'm still wowing over that one.

christmas eve

I'm blessed to have spent Christmas Eve with both my girls. I rarely see Maria anymore. 19 and living at her dad's, her priorities are clubbin' and, luckily, doing well in university. If you didn't already know, she and I have a history of a very stressed relationship. When she does come over, I feel it is actually to see her sister (Christie, 15) and the dog (Snoop, 9), not me.

I don't expect hugs, kisses, or I love you's from Maria. She doesn't welcome those things from me either, which used to hurt a lot, but now it just hurts a little for a short time. I am just grateful if there is peace and respect. On Christmas Eve it should be easy to get along. And we did.

The biggest compliment to me was that she chose to spend the night here and sleep over. It felt nice...complete...to have her back in the house, make up her bed again for her, cook for her. To be able to have them both wake up here on Christmas morning makes a mama smile.

:D

fragile

My phone rang in the middle of a dream last night. I rolled over in my sleepy stupor to answer it.

Andy's voice said are you sleeping?

I said yeah, I think so.

I just got mugged.

---a few seconds of silence---

Oh my God, are you alright? Did they hurt you?

I'm ok, they didn't hurt me. They got my wallet and my ring though.

Oh no, your ring! Are you sure you're alright?

Yeah, I'm over at the neighbors'. They're feeding me wine. I'm pretty calm now, the police just left.

Where were you?

I was walking to the corner to get a taco and they jumped me right by the school.

Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry. I need to be there with you. (meanwhile I'm freaking at the thought of actually witnessing this whole scene) So what happened?

A guy came running towards me and I thought oh shit. So I looked behind me and another one was coming at me. And there was a 3rd one in the car in the street, so there was nowhere to go.

Three guys? (still freaking, but trying to sound calm for his sake)

Yeah. So the 1st guy points a gun right in my face and says 'gimme your money'

At this point I am completely stunned hearing him use the word 'gun'......

So I gave him my wallet. And then he says 'and the ring', and I said, 'oh not the ring'. And he shouts 'give it!' and pulls it off my hand. And then they take off and jump in the car. And I hear one guy say to the other 'you just gonna let him go? he's seen our license plate' and I'm thinking oh God I'm gonna get shot in the back now. Frig. Thank God they just left. I went to the girls' next door and they called the police and stuff.

I was speechless since hearing that my love had a gun pointed at his face. I don't know what to say. While I was sickened by the whole thing I was also so damned thankful that he was not hurt. But I was very worried about his emotional reaction to everything. And that I couldn't be there to help in any way. Or hug him.

We didn't talk much after that. I think he was sort of in shock, and getting a little drunk. After we hung up I lay there and wondered if that conversation had really happened, because it seemed more like a nightmare. Half an hour later I was questioning whether I had told him that I love him. I couldn't remember saying it, and I wanted him to hear it. So I called his cell, but voice mail picked up. I left him the most sincere message I could manage while stifling my tears.

Sleep escaped me for another hour or so, but I did eventually find some. Which is more than I can say for Andy. We have talked several times today and he seems to be handling things ok. But he hasn't slept yet, and he's been busy replacing his drivers license, credit cards, etc.

Last time we talked his biggest concern was that I wouldn't want to move out there anymore. I can't say I've made that decision, but I am certainly freaked out by this whole thing. I have to consider the safety of my daughter and myself, which means we all might have to move to a more suburban area. But then again, I heard in my local news this morning that a store in a town 5 minutes from here was held up last night. Tis the season I guess. Anyway, I assured him that we would work it out. Together.

Andy said he heard on the news there were a total of 4 armed robberies in his neighborhood last night. Oddly enough he wondered which number he was. I can't imagine what it's like to be him right now. He was so invaded, and momentarily terrified for his life. Our future together was hanging in the balance of that one moment. Our fate rested in someone else's hands and that's pretty scary. Someone who needed drugs, or Christmas money, or who knows what.

In spite of all the anger I should have for these people who almost wrecked my life and ended his, I ask 'what would love do now?' from my favorite book Conversations with God. And then I hear the answer pray for the 3 guys. And I will appreciate even more the love that Andy and I have. You don't wait 29 years for nothing. We deserve this and it will be ours.

i like...

the way my feet look when my toenails are freshly painted

listening to the rain while lying in bed

rumpled sheets to remind me of the night before

sex in the afternoon

armpits

avocadoes

nuts, especially the texture

Andy's sense of humor

chipmunks and pandas

how ambitious, smart and capable I feel when I've had a cup of coffee

doing random things for people that make them happy

the smell of Rob's laundry

the energy I feel at a concert

getting extra money

my dentist, my naturopath and my family doctor!

my new car

Snoop's velvety ears

a great bottle of shiraz

willow trees

photo shoots

my Santorini fantasies

how my sister makes me laugh so hard I could wet my pants

having my space and silence

cleanliness

Godliness

when people show genuine interest in me

learning new stuff

endorphins

waking up refreshed

living with Christie

a good movie

a good book

flirting

looking 10 years younger than I am

being different from everyone else

thankful

As shitty as things can get, through the highs and the lows and the everyday things we all take for granted, there's always plenty to be thankful for. I believe there's no better way to get more of the good than to recognize it though gratitude.

Here are some specific gifts that have presented themselves to me this year.

A FRIEND'S RECOVERY - My (former) boss and good friend beat cancer without having to go through chemo. He'd almost died twice while in the hospital. Not only did he conquer cancer, but he is feeling great and living life on his own terms. Woo-hoo!

PEACE - My house found peace once more. My oldest daughter Maria moved to her dad's in April. At first it was difficult to see it as anything other than a failure in parenting. But once my tears dried and the dust settled, Christie (my youngest) and I started feeling more comfortable, free and relaxed in our home. Also the distance between Maria and us allowed us to appreciate each other and develop new habits in our relationship. Maria is doing well.

CLARITY - I realized what I want in a relationship and for my life, in general. I also realized that it's not going to happen with Rob. I was able to tell him that and move forward.

INDEPENDENCE - My ex lost his job which meant that all child support payments stopped. I panicked at first, but somehow I'm making ends meet on my own. I love not needing him for anything. And I mean anything!

I did it

I'd been waiting for the conversation to come up for weeks. I'd been thinking about doing it for months, but needed to test my feelings a while longer. Last night it finally happened.

It was last August when I had that painful conversation with Rob. I levelled with him about my need to explore more options, more relationships. I'd been separated about a year and a half and had only had 2 real relationships (Cam and him) since my split. My feelings for him had grown so strong that it scared me in a way. I felt inclined to back off a little and to test the relationship. Was I really seeing this straight? And although he was wonderful in so many ways, there were still a few characteristics I felt I wanted in a partner that he simply could not provide.

There was a 3rd issue that needed attention too. My previous relationship with Cam was still wreaking some havoc with my mind and emotions. I was unsettled with how that had ended and wasn't sure if that door was completely closed or not. Regardless, I knew I had to take care of that for once and for all. In fact, it was Rob who encouraged me to do whatever I needed to in order to come to terms with Cam. And I did, but that's another long story deserving of its own post (or 7).

Looking back, Rob and I had spent more quality time together than in any relationship before. Our history was rich and we'd been completely honest about everything right from the start. We had a very strong foundation that had started as a friendship and grown into a deep, romantic bond. The sex was mind-blowing to the point where we'd enter a new dimension once our bodies touched. It was bliss. The hours we spent talking and touching...we were in our own world.

But when we were apart, I'd get a gnawing feeling. Something was telling me that I had something more to experience outside this relationship. So we tried to break up in order for me to fulfill this need. I tried to spend more time alone at home, sleeping solo, not talking to Rob everyday (sometime for days), not seeing him. I think I could have handled it longer had he not stopped by one day when he saw me in my front yard as he was driving by. He stood in my driveway like a lost soul, tears in his eyes, saying I can't do this. I just had to see you.

And so our relationship evolved into "dating" each other with the understanding that we could also date others; however, we would be sexually exclusive. If either of us got involved with someone else and thought we might want to become intimate with that person, we agreed we'd have a new discussion.

And so we never had to have that discussion. The only other date I had was my time spent with Lee. See Part I and Part II of the Lee story. That experience left me feeling stronger about my bond with Rob. Rob is so real. He pretends nothing. He's not all that polished and glamorous and wordly. But when I'm alone with him he treats me like a goddess, he adores me and he knows exactly what to do to reach my heart. He's genuine. Rob is everything good.

Since my escapade with Lee there have been no other men. And I've not desired anyone. However my desire for Rob remained alive and kickin'. About every month or two the conversation would come up about the state of our relationship. Basically he wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling, and if I was ready to commit. That is what he wanted, but he would not ask for it. He understood I needed to arrive there completely on my own.

It's not that I didn't want to give him all my love, and my future, but I was afraid that someday I might change my mind again. If I committed, I wanted it to be my final decision. I needed to be sure that I'd not have to do that to him ever again. That's not who I wanted to be, nor could I bear the thought of dragging him through that pain again. So I declined the commitment time and time again and just kept on loving him.

Anyone who's followed my blog knows my feelings for Rob and that I've even been fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with him. What I've learned in the last few months--with my boss/friend's illness, my stressful work situation, challenges with my daughter Maria--is that Rob is a very healing person for me. He has stuck by me in times of personal crisis, when there was seemingly little in it for him. He allowed me the freedom to explore other relationships whereas any other guy would have said get lost and run the other way.

I believe that Rob loves me more than anyone else on this planet. Life is too short to putz around with superficial people or things. When you watch a friend suffer, almost die, you see life much more clearly. You realize that true love and companionship are so important. They're just about all that matters when it comes down to it.

Not a day goes by that I don't appreciate the love around me. Rob is love. He's never been anything else. I am the one who's been unsure of who I am and what I want. Until now. Now I know. I committed to Rob last night. I told him that I want him, and only him.

He did not jump for joy. In fact he made a joke about the gun law, which at first I didn't get. Then I realized it was about giving me 2 weeks to be sure I really wanted this. I told him I didn't need 2 weeks, that I'd been thinking about this for months.

His reaction was disappointing. I would have preferred him wrapping his arms around me and telling me how much he loves me. But I understand that from his point of view, he is a bit gun shy (sorry, the pun just fell into place there). It will take some time for him to trust and feel secure in this relationship again to the point that he and I can start talking about our future together.

first anniversary flashback

Today I was digging through the archives of my life. It's always a joy to exhume a treasure I'd buried safely in my Save folder. I found an email I'd written to Rob on the first anniversary of the day we connected on a deeper level; a day that had catapulted us across the line of platonic love.

When I reread this email, I am filled with the same emotion I felt when I first wrote it. Thought it was sweet enough to share. Still smiling......

Dear Rob,
Thanks for a year of friendship, for guiding me when I needed it and listening to my woes and frustration. You made going through a separation so much more bearable. You made the 3am escapes through deep snow worth it. Thanks for the fun and adventure, for stretching me past my usual comfort zone and showing me how I can get my feet wet in the middle of winter and still be able to laugh about it. For inspiring me to do crazy things that surprise even you. For noticing how moved I am by sound. For noticing me, period. For giving me endless attention, stroking my hair until I fall asleep. For wanting to please me sexually and continuing to explore the ins and outs of me. For caring about my needs so much that you suppressed your own to the point of pain. And for having the courage to bare your fears to me and knowing when to pull me in deeper. Thanks for telling me all about you--stealing raisins, sitting on the roof of the barn, tipping the trailer over, how you got that scar, the darkness of your marriage, the joy that holding your baby girl brought to you when you felt so troubled. It was then that I knew I loved you. Thanks for hanging around through all my adventures and for living outside the box with me, for your willingness to be open-minded, and to accept my thoughts and opinions without criticizing me. Thanks for being a sweet, peaceful, spiritual and smart man. And for telling me how beautiful I am. And for taking such good care of your body because I certainly get a lot of enjoyment out of it. For letting me love you in any way and for as long as I want. For feeling so good next to me in bed and wanting to be close to me. For being a boy. A boy with a very nice dick. And a talented tongue, and the best ass I've ever seen and felt. Thanks for opening your heart and your life to me. As you can see, I have a lot to be thankful for. But most of all it's your love that I want to thank you for. I am very happy with the evolution of our relationship, where we are now, and I'm excited about seeing where we go next. Time sure flies when you're having fun. I love you Rob.

things i need to say

Cam, I love you. Always will. But I said goodbye to you this year and I'm still ok. That is a miracle.

Lee, you were good for my ego. But I still didn't want to fuck you. And I'm glad about that.

Gram & Gramps, I miss you and I think of you often. I hope you're dancing.

Maria, I love you so much more than you know. My heart is broken that you can't let yourself love me back. I miss hugging you and the way you used to say goodnight Mom, I love you, God bless, see you in the morning--those 4 things, always in that order. Please find forgiveness. I long for the day when you realize that everything's not always black or white. Life is so grey. And sometimes things happen and no one is to blame.

Christie, you're so beautiful and sweet with so much to give. I see myself in you. Please don't make the same mistakes that I did. You need to learn how to communicate better and face your fears.

My dear boss, I am so thankful that you survived. You have 6 months of chemo ahead, but you are alive and you have your spirit back. You really scared me. I never knew I cared so much about you until I almost lost you. You are a great man with friends too numerous to count. The power of love is phenomenal.

Rob, you never cease to amaze me. You are goodness in every way. I have grown so close to you and I often think about spending the rest of my days and nights with you. I dream of marrying you in the woods, just you and me among the chipmunks. And making love there. You are the greatest lover, and together we are God. I love our history and I love the fact that we are friends first and foremost. It sounds silly, but I never had that in a partner before. I love how you give me the freedom to explore, even when it takes me away from you. That takes courage. And you have the desire to really know me, in every way. You know I need that.