hangin on to august

As the last few days of August tick away, I feel a need to hang onto it. It was a good month.

It started off with a perfect day. August 1st Andy and I spent the day together getting reacquainted, and laughing a lot. He fueled my creativity. Life hasn't been the same since.

My former boss made his final departure from the company, chased away by the mean old witch (new boss). But at least this time he left in good health and with a much better position to go to. We gave him a nice send off with the help of 3 vodka martinis. I miss him around the office. Life hasn't been the same since.

Mid-August marked Maria's 18th birthday. A milestone in itself, her birthday seemed to trigger her forgiveness too. We've shared some great times together like watching family videos, quiet conversations and a crazy fun shopping trip to Toronto. Life hasn't been the same since.

I feel I'm on the brink of something bigger and better. I've been watching great things happening all around me. Now it's my turn. But let me say goodbye to August first.

x

anew

The day after Maria's birthday party, I called her to tell her that I had the check ready for her university tuition. She said she would stop by to pick it up and she asked what I was doing (tonight). This was a highly unusual question coming from her.

A half hour later Maria was here and I soon got the sense that she wanted to hang out. With me! I asked if she was hungry and I threw together some food. She talked about a lot of stuff, even asked me how my day was. All these niceties came as such a pleasant surprise that I found myself asking "Who is this person?" It was incredible and wonderful. I enjoyed every second of it.

She left the table after eating, grabbed one of my treasured photo albums (of the kids when they were little) and plopped herself down on the couch. I joined her and together we leafed through all 4 volumes of her childhood. I can't tell you how rewarding that felt, for her to want to open up the past, and relive the fondest memories.

Maria mentioned that she'd read the letter I'd given her the other night. She said it was nice and it had actually made her want to have children someday. Although that hadn't been my intent with the letter, it certainly sounded positive and I was glad it had left her feeling warm and fuzzy. I was touched.

Maria left around 9:30pm. I went up to my room and just stared at the wall in amazement at what had just occurred. It was a bit like a dream. It was certainly a gift. I emailed her, writing just a simple Thanks. That was nice.

The next morning I got an email reply from her. A long, heartfelt message that was very well written, I must say. She wants us to forgive and accept each other and work towards healing the past. Music to my ears. But my favorite part of her message read

Despite all of the hurtful things that we have done & said to each other, i know that we will always be there for each other in the end. Like you said, love like this never dies. I love you and miss you.

things i need to say

Cam, I love you. Always will. But I said goodbye to you this year and I'm still ok. That is a miracle.

Lee, you were good for my ego. But I still didn't want to fuck you. And I'm glad about that.

Gram & Gramps, I miss you and I think of you often. I hope you're dancing.

Maria, I love you so much more than you know. My heart is broken that you can't let yourself love me back. I miss hugging you and the way you used to say goodnight Mom, I love you, God bless, see you in the morning--those 4 things, always in that order. Please find forgiveness. I long for the day when you realize that everything's not always black or white. Life is so grey. And sometimes things happen and no one is to blame.

Christie, you're so beautiful and sweet with so much to give. I see myself in you. Please don't make the same mistakes that I did. You need to learn how to communicate better and face your fears.

My dear boss, I am so thankful that you survived. You have 6 months of chemo ahead, but you are alive and you have your spirit back. You really scared me. I never knew I cared so much about you until I almost lost you. You are a great man with friends too numerous to count. The power of love is phenomenal.

Rob, you never cease to amaze me. You are goodness in every way. I have grown so close to you and I often think about spending the rest of my days and nights with you. I dream of marrying you in the woods, just you and me among the chipmunks. And making love there. You are the greatest lover, and together we are God. I love our history and I love the fact that we are friends first and foremost. It sounds silly, but I never had that in a partner before. I love how you give me the freedom to explore, even when it takes me away from you. That takes courage. And you have the desire to really know me, in every way. You know I need that.