trying week

This has been a yukky week. My California mojo is starting to fade a bit, and PMS is setting in...but it sure seems like one nasty little thing after another has been unfolding since Monday.

I had that disturbing dream about Cam and was left with trace feelings of abandonment. Then Andy told me of this fantastic celebrity charity event he's going to in February, and he asked if I minded if he took one of his models along. I totally trust him of course, I'm just sad that I won't be the one by his side. I want people to see him with me, not some other woman. I am upset by the way I feel inside...it feels so immature of me.

Then I found out that in order to move away with Christie I will probably need a notarized letter from my ex giving his consent. Either that or a court order. That was the biggest downer of all. I cannot imagine Jeff being cooperative in the matter, but I especially don't want to waste money on a lawyer just to have the court state the obvious. Christie def wants to be with me, and she wants to move to LA just as much as I want to.

And yesterday I visited my mom and sister, both who seemed a little off. I felt like it was because of me, or maybe I've just grown paranoid this week? When I mentioned something to my mom about possibly getting married again, she looked completely dumbfounded. That was disturbing.

Though I don't like to admit it, I am influenced by my family's opinion. My mom's dropping jaw wasn't the reaction I had hoped for, but maybe I should just stop and think on it awhile. I am actually a little worried about how both my mom and sister are feeling about my plan to move. It may be time for a sit down, drag it out kind of talk. It may be good practice for the even bigger talk ahead--breaking the news of the move to my ex and especially to my 19-yr-old daughter Maria.

anew

The day after Maria's birthday party, I called her to tell her that I had the check ready for her university tuition. She said she would stop by to pick it up and she asked what I was doing (tonight). This was a highly unusual question coming from her.

A half hour later Maria was here and I soon got the sense that she wanted to hang out. With me! I asked if she was hungry and I threw together some food. She talked about a lot of stuff, even asked me how my day was. All these niceties came as such a pleasant surprise that I found myself asking "Who is this person?" It was incredible and wonderful. I enjoyed every second of it.

She left the table after eating, grabbed one of my treasured photo albums (of the kids when they were little) and plopped herself down on the couch. I joined her and together we leafed through all 4 volumes of her childhood. I can't tell you how rewarding that felt, for her to want to open up the past, and relive the fondest memories.

Maria mentioned that she'd read the letter I'd given her the other night. She said it was nice and it had actually made her want to have children someday. Although that hadn't been my intent with the letter, it certainly sounded positive and I was glad it had left her feeling warm and fuzzy. I was touched.

Maria left around 9:30pm. I went up to my room and just stared at the wall in amazement at what had just occurred. It was a bit like a dream. It was certainly a gift. I emailed her, writing just a simple Thanks. That was nice.

The next morning I got an email reply from her. A long, heartfelt message that was very well written, I must say. She wants us to forgive and accept each other and work towards healing the past. Music to my ears. But my favorite part of her message read

Despite all of the hurtful things that we have done & said to each other, i know that we will always be there for each other in the end. Like you said, love like this never dies. I love you and miss you.