trying week

This has been a yukky week. My California mojo is starting to fade a bit, and PMS is setting in...but it sure seems like one nasty little thing after another has been unfolding since Monday.

I had that disturbing dream about Cam and was left with trace feelings of abandonment. Then Andy told me of this fantastic celebrity charity event he's going to in February, and he asked if I minded if he took one of his models along. I totally trust him of course, I'm just sad that I won't be the one by his side. I want people to see him with me, not some other woman. I am upset by the way I feel inside...it feels so immature of me.

Then I found out that in order to move away with Christie I will probably need a notarized letter from my ex giving his consent. Either that or a court order. That was the biggest downer of all. I cannot imagine Jeff being cooperative in the matter, but I especially don't want to waste money on a lawyer just to have the court state the obvious. Christie def wants to be with me, and she wants to move to LA just as much as I want to.

And yesterday I visited my mom and sister, both who seemed a little off. I felt like it was because of me, or maybe I've just grown paranoid this week? When I mentioned something to my mom about possibly getting married again, she looked completely dumbfounded. That was disturbing.

Though I don't like to admit it, I am influenced by my family's opinion. My mom's dropping jaw wasn't the reaction I had hoped for, but maybe I should just stop and think on it awhile. I am actually a little worried about how both my mom and sister are feeling about my plan to move. It may be time for a sit down, drag it out kind of talk. It may be good practice for the even bigger talk ahead--breaking the news of the move to my ex and especially to my 19-yr-old daughter Maria.

the power of family opinion

I am a pretty independent person in almost every way. Sure, I can't change a flat tire or cook a turkey, but I'm sure I could learn (if I cared to). My friends, family, coworkers, Andy and Rob all see me as a very independent woman.

Something I realized lately is that my family's opinion holds a lot of power when it comes to making personal decisions--in particular, who I am with. No one realizes this but me, and I guess I would like to keep it that way. Apparently I like the fact that everyone sees me as kind of a self-sufficient entity.

My sister is probably the biggest influence. I noticed that her opinion over the last couple years has caused me to rethink earlier decisions and change my path.

At a house party I threw a few years back, she was enthralled with one of my male guests and suggested I should go out with him. It was someone who I knew had been attracted to me and had even asked me out a couple times when I was involved with Rob, so I'd repeatedly fended him off. But a few weeks after Lynn had 'endorsed' him, I started to pull away from Rob and eventually began dating this guy. Needless to say it didn't quite work out, but I did have a lot of fun with him. He ended up getting engaged to someone else when I wouldn't move full speed ahead.

The next time Lynn's influence triggered a change was early last summer. Granted, things were already in a state of disappointment with Rob, but her comments were the clincher. We were out at a concert together and talking about my relationship with Rob. She said something like He's nice, but I just see you with someone taller, more exciting. A bit of an ouchie statement at the time, but it stayed with me.

Lynn was also the one to suggest Andy as a friend when I joined Facebook in June. I never would have guessed that my sister (who has trouble running her own life) has so much influence over mine.

My mother, too, has shared her vision with me--she dreams of me with someone tall, dark and handsome who owns a winery or some other exciting business. I have kind of laughed this off over the last few years, but there is some validity to what she has suggested. I have discovered that I am seeking someone who is entrepreneurial and successful. Not that Rob isn't successful. But it's the leadership quality that I seem to desire.

Christie, my 14 year old daughter, also holds a lot of power. Every time she has commented on whether or not she likes a certain man in my life, I notice that my feelings towards him are swayed in one direction or another. Currently she is very fond of Andy and keeps asking me when he is coming to visit. I have never seen her that enthusiastic towards one of my male interests.

All this makes me wonder who is paving my path, my family or me? And why is their opinion so important to me?