back...but not for long

Dinamo misses you! I have been in LA playing with Andy and planning a life! I arrived back east late last night, snow and ice to greet me. I thought this is all wrong. The look on my face as I stepped outside the airport probably said it best.

I have already moved to LA, mentally at least. I feel I no longer belong here. This was where the old me lived. The stuck me.

I've since met great people, my new comrades, dear and fascinating friends of Andy who have welcomed me into their lives with open arms. Anything you need, anything at all, you can depend on us. Who says that??!?!

Record breaking temperatures appeared just in time for my visit. It was heavenly. My first 5 minutes out of LAX I was hyperventilating over blooming flowers in mid-January, and driving with the windows rolled down at midnight. Why would anyone ever choose to leave this place willingly?

Andy and I had a whole week alone to explore life together, to look at schools for Christie, to sleep as late as we wanted, and to fuck in every room if we damn well pleased. And we took full advantage.

Highlights of the trip will be coming to you in the next while as I reminisce via blogland.

best friends no more

Last weekend when Rob and I were hanging out he suggested he'd like to take me out to dinner for my birthday this week. I really hadn't expected anything like that, but I said sure.

The day before my birthday he called me at work. He said he'd found the right screws to hang my curtain rod, but asked what I was going to do next. When I suggested he might like to come over and help me hang it I got some attitude in a snarky little comment about the kind of relationship we have now. I tried to laugh it off as nothing.

Then he said he'd rather go out to dinner another night to celebrate my birthday because after all, we'd just seen each other and there really wouldn't be that much to talk about. That didn't sit right with me, but I certainly wasn't going to insist.

Back onto the curtain rod issue and he said he'd come over that night to have a look. After we hung up, I felt very strange. I got more and more disappointed about the birthday dinner cancellation, then I felt angry. All these feelings came out of nowhere and before I knew it I was on the verge of tears. Couldn't explain it at the time.

An hour later I received an email from him saying he needed to get something off his chest. It had really bothered him the other night at my place when he heard me say I love you to Andy on the phone. Although he understood it all, he was angry in being reminded that our relationship was going to be ending in a matter of months. And since then he's had a hard time feeling very giving towards me. He added that he didn't feel like coming to my house that night either.

In my volatile state, I fired back an email stating that I didn't think he'd been very giving in a long time. I implied that I had reason to be angry too, and that maybe this friendship just wasn't working out anymore. I left it at that.

It took several days to unravel my feelings. I realized there were a few matters that got all tangled together, and they shouldn't have.

I felt bad that he was hurt because of what I'd said to Andy on the phone. Andy was a little insensitive at the time by fishing for reassurance when he knew Rob was within earshot. But I made the choice to protect Andy's feelings at Rob's expense.

Speaking of Rob's expense, I think he's been stingy lately. And that's what I've been kind of pissed about. I've been generous in sharing my homemade soup with him, my vino, and buying him a Christmas gift (when we don't normally exchange). Yet when we went out to a movie and for drinks a couple weeks ago, we each paid our own way. And then he let me leave the tip! He makes more than double what I do, and I find that just plain cheap, not to mention bad manners.

I felt like blasting him when all these feelings welled up. But I didn't. I can't help but feel like he's been manipulating me. I end up feeling bad for every little favor I ask of him. And wouldn't friends just do those things for each other? It's like he's got to keep driving the point that since we are not lovers I have to pay for my share of everything. Buck up pal and be a man. Every other male friend of mine pays, even when I offer to.

OK, so I'm bitchin and meanwhile I'm hearing you stand in his defense. And you know, I'll take it, I understand I made my bed, now I gotta lie in it. The man is hurt, and has given me way more than expected, and certainly more than any other man would have given under the same circumstances. But I never coerced him. He always had the freedom to make choices, to stay or to go. Now he's hurt. Maybe to the point that he can no longer be my friend.

Tonight I went to his house to give him his gift. We had our usual 'catch up' conversation. Then he talked about one of the dates he'd gone on last week (after our incident). The girl he was out with confronted him about still being in love with me. He couldn't deny it.

Rob knows he has an issue. He says he's fine when he's not around me, he can get on with his life. But he really looks forward to our time together, and then when we are together, he is still so attracted. And he gets sucked right back in. I am not attracted in that way. So he is left sad, unfulfilled and in recovery mode after we've been together. If he was invoved with someone else, we'd be on a somewhat level playing field. But it pretty much kills his chances to advance any other relationship if he's still hooked on me. So he needs me out of his life. And that's what he asked for tonight. I've lost my best friend.

i did it and i didn't like it

As we moved into day 6 of not sleeping together, guilt crept in. I thought that maybe if I just invited Rob over, nature would run its course and I'd want to be close to him again.

Didn't happen. He came over (sex-starved) and tried to be a loving and patient boyfriend. We talked, he rubbed my head (I had a headache--isn't that a hoot??) and eventually we climbed into bed. He tried to lie still behind me. Then his penis couldn't quite behave. It was like hello, remember me???

I did not discourage him, I guess you could say it was a mercy fuck. All the things I used to enjoy about him I found I wanted no part of tonight. And I felt bad about it. I didn't like the way he talked or laughed, or looked, I didn't particularly like the way he smelled, and I didn't have an appreciation for his body. I felt no emotional desire or connection to him other than friendship. And I felt suffocated by him all night in bed. WTF??

I'm not sure what's going on with me. He hasn't done anything to upset me. And I haven't been consumed with Andy either. Andy and I have talked a few times during the week, but it was pretty tame. I have been super busy with work and life and planning how to get everything done that I need to do...

I feel bad about Rob, like I've left him standing in the rain. I feel I've deserted him physically. That's not me.

rob update

I keep trying to write about Rob, but I just can't get anything going. I start, and I erase. Try another angle, erase again.

How Rob is faring in all this is an important aspect of my life right now and I should be able to write about it. Maybe because this part doesn't feel so good--that's why I can't get it going? I have some guilt, some sadness, some worry. Those not-so-good feelings in sharp contrast to those I'm feeling about Andy. I much prefer inspiration.

I'm trying to be as honest with Rob as I can without crushing him. His friendship is important to me, as are his feelings. I feel a little protective of him. After all I was the one who led him into a world where it was safe for him to find and express love again. We've been through some wonderful experiences together. He has given so much of himself to me, and helped me through many personal crises. A dear friend and lover for sure.

We've been having talks about how our relationship went awry. I explained my disappointment in realizing that I'm never going to have the kind of future with him that I dreamed of. And how that disappointment led me to find new experiences.

He knows how Andy came into my life and isn't happy about it. Now he's trying to hang onto me. He goes back and forth between being angry at himself for not being more responsive to "my dream", to being frustrated with me for giving up on him once again, to being grateful for having any time with me that he can.

I don't want to make any life changing moves here. I don't want to say goodbye to Rob (ever). Things with Andy are certainly exciting and promising, but it is so early yet.

a kinder generation

My daughter Christie turns 14 this week. The girl loves a party, so she planned her own big bash, including renting a hall, choosing a theme and decorations, food, deafening music (atta girl!) and dancing. I was the foolish adult who agreed to all of this. But the closer the date came, the more I sweated just thinking about what I'd gotten myself into.

Finally I recruited the help of two mom friends. Thank God I came to my senses. They were a huge help, and I couldn't have done it without them. Plus they made it fun.

We drank wine in the hall's kitchen while 30 kids danced wildly to more hip hop tunes than I care to know. The 3 mom-keteers were shunned to the kitchen, cuz face it, we're much too embarrassing. I guess it didn't help our case when we said we were going to come out and dance. So we pretty much stayed put, but every once in a while we'd peek out on them, as good chaperones do...

And we 40 something year old women all noticed something unusual and wonderful. This group of kids was having the time of their lives, not only getting along, but everyone was interacting with everyone else. Girls danced with boys, girls danced with girls, even boys danced with boys, for a laugh. Everyone took turns grabbing the mic and singing along on the stage. They were having a friggin ball, with no alcohol. None of us moms could say that we remembered times anything like that when we were 14. I think kids have come a long way.

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My daughter also received an amazing surprise this week from her best friend. This girl had arranged to take Christie to a concert along with a bunch of their mutual girlfriends. My daughter didn't know anything about it, but I did. Her friend had called me 2 weeks ago and asked my permission first of all, then asked me to pack a "get out of school early" note in Christie's backpack, because they'd have to leave school early that day to get to the concert in another town.

This friend went down to the school office around 2:30 on the day, and announced on the school's loudspeaker that it was Christie's birthday and that she had to come down to the office where her birthday surprise would begin. Christie was a bit dumbstruck, not knowing what was going on, but she did as she was told.

Her friend had gotten her father to drive their van full of girls to a city an hour away, have dinner, then go to the concert. You think that's impressive for a 14 year old to arrange for another 14 year old? Well, it gets better!

Before the show, her friend had called the radio station that was sponsoring the concert and asked them to sing happy birthday to Christie at the concert, and they did! I can't imagine the elation that Christie must have felt when they said her name to the whole audience. Oh, and one more thing...her friend got her an autograph of one of the band members. I never had friends like that!

I feel so grateful that my daughter has such caring people surrounding her. I have felt so warm and fuzzy this week, not only because I am watching my sweet and beautiful daughter growing older, but also witnessing amazing and loving acts of kindness in this young generation.

This is the generation who will be taking care of us in a few decades...thank God!!!