disturbing dream

Shortly after I woke up this morning one of last night's dreams flashed before me. It was about Cam. That always brings with it a lot of emotion and therefore, a lot of significance. Hopefully it won't mess up my whole day. Cam was my deepest love (so far), someone I recognized as a soulmate from age 16, and the only guy I cared about who rejected me.

I dreamed I was in a house (mine), alone, waiting for him to come see me. He currently lives almost as far away from me as Andy does, and he did in my dream too. I think he was 'in town' and we were due to meet.

He finally shows up and I am overflowing with emotion, he seems quite contained. I am expecting that he will stay a long time with me, maybe overnight. Apparently he has other ideas, as he soon declares it's time to go. He says his mother is on her way to pick him up.

He gathers his things. I am panicky because I realize this may be the last time we see each other...ever. This doesn't seem to concern him like it does me. Great disappointment.

We hug. The last thing I remember is a close up of him looking at me, head slightly tilted, those melty blue eyes piercing right through me. It hurts.

The dream mirrors what I fear in this life...that he doesn't care about me the same that I care about him. It seemed too easy for him to walk away from me. But then again he may have done that purposely so that I would, and could, move on.

And I've moved on to something great, something better in many ways. I've met Andy who adores me and wants to be with me every minute that he can. He made it clear from day one that he loves me and that he wants to be by my side for the rest of his life. Andy was not jaded about love like Cam was. He allowed me to dream with him and create our future together.

My contract with Cam may actually be finished. In this lifetime anyway.

best friends no more

Last weekend when Rob and I were hanging out he suggested he'd like to take me out to dinner for my birthday this week. I really hadn't expected anything like that, but I said sure.

The day before my birthday he called me at work. He said he'd found the right screws to hang my curtain rod, but asked what I was going to do next. When I suggested he might like to come over and help me hang it I got some attitude in a snarky little comment about the kind of relationship we have now. I tried to laugh it off as nothing.

Then he said he'd rather go out to dinner another night to celebrate my birthday because after all, we'd just seen each other and there really wouldn't be that much to talk about. That didn't sit right with me, but I certainly wasn't going to insist.

Back onto the curtain rod issue and he said he'd come over that night to have a look. After we hung up, I felt very strange. I got more and more disappointed about the birthday dinner cancellation, then I felt angry. All these feelings came out of nowhere and before I knew it I was on the verge of tears. Couldn't explain it at the time.

An hour later I received an email from him saying he needed to get something off his chest. It had really bothered him the other night at my place when he heard me say I love you to Andy on the phone. Although he understood it all, he was angry in being reminded that our relationship was going to be ending in a matter of months. And since then he's had a hard time feeling very giving towards me. He added that he didn't feel like coming to my house that night either.

In my volatile state, I fired back an email stating that I didn't think he'd been very giving in a long time. I implied that I had reason to be angry too, and that maybe this friendship just wasn't working out anymore. I left it at that.

It took several days to unravel my feelings. I realized there were a few matters that got all tangled together, and they shouldn't have.

I felt bad that he was hurt because of what I'd said to Andy on the phone. Andy was a little insensitive at the time by fishing for reassurance when he knew Rob was within earshot. But I made the choice to protect Andy's feelings at Rob's expense.

Speaking of Rob's expense, I think he's been stingy lately. And that's what I've been kind of pissed about. I've been generous in sharing my homemade soup with him, my vino, and buying him a Christmas gift (when we don't normally exchange). Yet when we went out to a movie and for drinks a couple weeks ago, we each paid our own way. And then he let me leave the tip! He makes more than double what I do, and I find that just plain cheap, not to mention bad manners.

I felt like blasting him when all these feelings welled up. But I didn't. I can't help but feel like he's been manipulating me. I end up feeling bad for every little favor I ask of him. And wouldn't friends just do those things for each other? It's like he's got to keep driving the point that since we are not lovers I have to pay for my share of everything. Buck up pal and be a man. Every other male friend of mine pays, even when I offer to.

OK, so I'm bitchin and meanwhile I'm hearing you stand in his defense. And you know, I'll take it, I understand I made my bed, now I gotta lie in it. The man is hurt, and has given me way more than expected, and certainly more than any other man would have given under the same circumstances. But I never coerced him. He always had the freedom to make choices, to stay or to go. Now he's hurt. Maybe to the point that he can no longer be my friend.

Tonight I went to his house to give him his gift. We had our usual 'catch up' conversation. Then he talked about one of the dates he'd gone on last week (after our incident). The girl he was out with confronted him about still being in love with me. He couldn't deny it.

Rob knows he has an issue. He says he's fine when he's not around me, he can get on with his life. But he really looks forward to our time together, and then when we are together, he is still so attracted. And he gets sucked right back in. I am not attracted in that way. So he is left sad, unfulfilled and in recovery mode after we've been together. If he was invoved with someone else, we'd be on a somewhat level playing field. But it pretty much kills his chances to advance any other relationship if he's still hooked on me. So he needs me out of his life. And that's what he asked for tonight. I've lost my best friend.

get me outta here!

OK, don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with the recent turn of events in my life. I'm thankful to have finally attained clarity in my love life and set my future in motion, and I have new changes to look forward to. All that's good. In fact, it's GREAT.

One of the consequences of choosing this new direction in my life is that I've lost my best friend Rob. Yeah, he was my lover too, but the part I miss most is the friendship. Having someone to bounce the daily shit off of, someone to hang out with, drink with, go places with--not that we went many places, but still...!

The craziness of my busy life while juggling 2 guys, a full time job, house, daughter and dog on my own left me no time for girlfriends. So, that option's out, at least right now. Besides, girls just aren't as interesting as guys. So every single night in the last 3 weeks has been spent studying my new online course, and skyping with Andy.

I love Andy dearly, and I'm stimulated by learning cool new stuff, but it's too much of a good thing. I'm lacking variety and experiences. I haven't been anywhere of a fun nature in weeks. Partly cuz I'm way over budget this month (post-vacation credit card to be paid), but also cuz I have no one to go places with.

Waa waa I sound like a baby.

I've decided to go see Wall Street II this weekend, even if means going alone. And I am going to visit my mom and sister. I feel better about making these plans. But what's really bugging me is that I miss my best friend and that he ignored my last email. I don't really know what to do about that. It bothers me not knowing what he's thinking or feeling. I guess this is what breaking up feels like. Yeah, it sucks.

rob update

I keep trying to write about Rob, but I just can't get anything going. I start, and I erase. Try another angle, erase again.

How Rob is faring in all this is an important aspect of my life right now and I should be able to write about it. Maybe because this part doesn't feel so good--that's why I can't get it going? I have some guilt, some sadness, some worry. Those not-so-good feelings in sharp contrast to those I'm feeling about Andy. I much prefer inspiration.

I'm trying to be as honest with Rob as I can without crushing him. His friendship is important to me, as are his feelings. I feel a little protective of him. After all I was the one who led him into a world where it was safe for him to find and express love again. We've been through some wonderful experiences together. He has given so much of himself to me, and helped me through many personal crises. A dear friend and lover for sure.

We've been having talks about how our relationship went awry. I explained my disappointment in realizing that I'm never going to have the kind of future with him that I dreamed of. And how that disappointment led me to find new experiences.

He knows how Andy came into my life and isn't happy about it. Now he's trying to hang onto me. He goes back and forth between being angry at himself for not being more responsive to "my dream", to being frustrated with me for giving up on him once again, to being grateful for having any time with me that he can.

I don't want to make any life changing moves here. I don't want to say goodbye to Rob (ever). Things with Andy are certainly exciting and promising, but it is so early yet.

breaking up

I had my talk with Rob tonight. My hand got very sweaty as I held his and told him how I felt that life was leading me away from him; that I need to follow my dream, I need some things to change in my life because not only do I feel stagnant, I feel like I am missing out on opportunities.

Areas of my life just don't seem to be moving forward, like social (living in such small town), relationship (I want someone to be head over heels in love with me and not have to question the practicality of every life decision), financially (I no longer get child support since my ex lost his job), and career (I am underpaid plus I need growth, also hard to find in the region where I live and work).

He was quiet at first and only occasionally looked up at me. I saw his blue eyes turning red. We talked for the next 2 hours, he asking me if this was negotiable (i.e. is my decision based on a misunderstanding of something he said?) or had I made up my mind. And of course he asked if there was someone else I was interested in. I admitted that my friendship with Andy has grown into something more. Then the rest of the night Rob concentrated on that factor, and only that factor.

Rob never gets angry, loud or unreasonable. He is the most even-keeled person I know (that's exactly why he doesn't show great enthusiasm for just about anything). So there was no yelling or accusations, only questions and attempts to understand each other. We began our time together as friends, and that has run constant through our 3 years together. There is always an underlying respect.

I left him lying in his bed knowing he would be crying soon after I left. Not a good feeling. But I did feel that the truth has been spoken with love and the greatest care. And we will be talking again tomorrow, to try to determine what kind of relationship we will have from this point on.