wedding dream...almost a nightmare

I had a very vivid dream about a wedding. It was mine, but unfortunately to the wrong guy. Started with a short scene in which my ex Jeff and I were together again--he was trying to make the moves on me--and I was feeling very reluctant and uncomfortable. I cringed at his touch or the thought of touching him.

Next scene I am in my wedding dress (yes, the original one from 1988), surrounded by the females in my family. They are putting the final touches on me as I am about to walk down the aisle to marry Jeff again. (In real life, our divorce has been final only one month.) This dream finds me in a state of mental turmoil. Something just isn't right. DUH!

I walk out of the dressing room to enter the area where all our guests are taking their seats preparing for the ceremony to begin. Where is my mother??! I am looking frantically for her. I happen to run into my sister. She confessed that Mom had gone to get favors for the tables because they looked so empty and non-festive. You see, no one had planned this wedding with love. It was a wedding of convenience, thrown together in a hurry.

Since I couldn't find Mom, I told my sister. I just had to tell someone! I said I can't do this. Jeff only wants to marry me so that it looks good on him. He wants to go into politics, you know. And I'm thinking all the while, Oh God, Mom's spending all of her own money on party favors for this wedding that's not going to happen. (You see, I'm practical even in my dreams.)

Fast forward...I am standing at the altar and my former husband/'husband-to-be' takes his place beside me. We are about to be married. The pressure is mounting. He is dressed in an old-fashioned British red coat uniform for some unknown reason, but I do notice that the tight white pants look good on him. (Ewww!)

At the last second I can bear it no more. I walk over to face the crowd of our families and friends. I tell them that I can't in good faith go ahead with this marriage. That the only reason Jeff wants to marry me (again) is so that he can present a good image for when he runs for office. I explained that I couldn't overlook that fact just for his benefit, and that marriage was too sacred a bond to mess with.

Deep down I knew that I must follow my heart, and that my heart was definitely elsewhere. It made me happy that I was true to myself even in my dreams. I just wish I could have added on my own end to the dream. One where Andy shows up and asks me to marry him in front of the whole crowd. Then everyone cheers because they recognize true love when they see it.

breaking up

I had my talk with Rob tonight. My hand got very sweaty as I held his and told him how I felt that life was leading me away from him; that I need to follow my dream, I need some things to change in my life because not only do I feel stagnant, I feel like I am missing out on opportunities.

Areas of my life just don't seem to be moving forward, like social (living in such small town), relationship (I want someone to be head over heels in love with me and not have to question the practicality of every life decision), financially (I no longer get child support since my ex lost his job), and career (I am underpaid plus I need growth, also hard to find in the region where I live and work).

He was quiet at first and only occasionally looked up at me. I saw his blue eyes turning red. We talked for the next 2 hours, he asking me if this was negotiable (i.e. is my decision based on a misunderstanding of something he said?) or had I made up my mind. And of course he asked if there was someone else I was interested in. I admitted that my friendship with Andy has grown into something more. Then the rest of the night Rob concentrated on that factor, and only that factor.

Rob never gets angry, loud or unreasonable. He is the most even-keeled person I know (that's exactly why he doesn't show great enthusiasm for just about anything). So there was no yelling or accusations, only questions and attempts to understand each other. We began our time together as friends, and that has run constant through our 3 years together. There is always an underlying respect.

I left him lying in his bed knowing he would be crying soon after I left. Not a good feeling. But I did feel that the truth has been spoken with love and the greatest care. And we will be talking again tomorrow, to try to determine what kind of relationship we will have from this point on.