wedding dream...almost a nightmare

I had a very vivid dream about a wedding. It was mine, but unfortunately to the wrong guy. Started with a short scene in which my ex Jeff and I were together again--he was trying to make the moves on me--and I was feeling very reluctant and uncomfortable. I cringed at his touch or the thought of touching him.

Next scene I am in my wedding dress (yes, the original one from 1988), surrounded by the females in my family. They are putting the final touches on me as I am about to walk down the aisle to marry Jeff again. (In real life, our divorce has been final only one month.) This dream finds me in a state of mental turmoil. Something just isn't right. DUH!

I walk out of the dressing room to enter the area where all our guests are taking their seats preparing for the ceremony to begin. Where is my mother??! I am looking frantically for her. I happen to run into my sister. She confessed that Mom had gone to get favors for the tables because they looked so empty and non-festive. You see, no one had planned this wedding with love. It was a wedding of convenience, thrown together in a hurry.

Since I couldn't find Mom, I told my sister. I just had to tell someone! I said I can't do this. Jeff only wants to marry me so that it looks good on him. He wants to go into politics, you know. And I'm thinking all the while, Oh God, Mom's spending all of her own money on party favors for this wedding that's not going to happen. (You see, I'm practical even in my dreams.)

Fast forward...I am standing at the altar and my former husband/'husband-to-be' takes his place beside me. We are about to be married. The pressure is mounting. He is dressed in an old-fashioned British red coat uniform for some unknown reason, but I do notice that the tight white pants look good on him. (Ewww!)

At the last second I can bear it no more. I walk over to face the crowd of our families and friends. I tell them that I can't in good faith go ahead with this marriage. That the only reason Jeff wants to marry me (again) is so that he can present a good image for when he runs for office. I explained that I couldn't overlook that fact just for his benefit, and that marriage was too sacred a bond to mess with.

Deep down I knew that I must follow my heart, and that my heart was definitely elsewhere. It made me happy that I was true to myself even in my dreams. I just wish I could have added on my own end to the dream. One where Andy shows up and asks me to marry him in front of the whole crowd. Then everyone cheers because they recognize true love when they see it.

Rob to the rescue

Since Rob did not leave my mind this week, I thought I should reach out and say hello. I was afraid he still wouldn't be ready to see me, but he suggested we go to a local diner for tea. He also mentioned that he had a message for me, from me. Hmmm...

I was surprised at how much I was looking forward to seeing Rob. I have really been missing my friend. I was greeted with a peck on the cheek when I got into his car. Friendly. His eyes had their usual sparkle. He made me take off my sunglasses so he could see mine.

We drank lots of tea and emptied the diner a couple hours later. I was the talkative me, filling him in on my adventures in California, family updates and work dramas. I don't think I talk that much to anyone else. He told me a little bit about the dates he'd been on, but said he hadn't met 'the one' yet. And in case I was wondering, yes, he'd had sex. (Inside I was woohoo-ing, but didn't want to show my excitement.)

So the message he had for me, from me... It was in a dream. I knew it! He said I had called him to come get me in California. He walked into an apartment where I was sitting, crying, amidst a mess. It looked as if the room had been trashed or there had been a bad fight there. He instinctively came over to comfort me. He said that I was relieved to see him, but then in an angry outburst I said to him You knew I shouldn't get married and you didn't tell me!

But apparently my anger turned to romance because I started kissing him and wanting him to make out with me on the couch. He said he told me that it wasn't safe there so he took me and we left.

So that was Rob's dream, and my message to myself. As he told me, I had kind of a wow reaction. Most people would say he had a vested interest in telling me that dream, or embellishing it in order to scare me out of getting too serious with Andy, but I believe Rob told me the dream exactly as he recalled it.

I am not sure how I feel about the message though. I certainly don't feel like Andy has a violent side or would hurt me in any way. The state of the room--had there been an earthquake? Did someone break into our place? But that doesn't explain the anti-marriage message.

Bottom line is that I don't think anyone but me would be able to talk me out of marrying Andy. Of course, I haven't even been asked, so it's completely hypothetical at this point, right? ;)

Rob dropped me off at my house after tea, and I felt content. It was really nice to have caught up with him. I hoped that the aftermath of our visit would sit well with him so we could do it again.

andy eve

My darling arrives tomorrow. As much as this back and forth visiting is turning into a routine for us, tonight I am as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. I can't wait to be face to face with Andy, touch him, hug him tight, and take him home with me. Not to mention the anticipation of sex!!!!!

And as I usually do the day before the visit, I have thought about how we can progress our relationship, or what we need to learn about each other this time. (When did I become such a goal-oriented person?)

Since he's been making references to marriage from the time I got back from California, I think we need to learn what each other's hopes and expectations about marriage are. I need to ask him what does marriage mean to you? What does it look like?

Maybe even more importantly, Andy should know certain things before he decides he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Can he handle the truth? Like the story about how I fell in love with another man during my 19-year marriage. And how I stress myself out to the point of meltdown a few times a year. Sure, I recover quick, but I depend on my guy pretty heavily in that time. And will he be able to accept my spiritual background--does he care that my entire outlook in life is directed by messages channeled from spiritual beings?

I think I also want to ask him what kind of women he's been with. This is a big mystery to me, and something we've talked very little about. Plus it directly affects my level of comfort in having unprotected sex with him. I would love to get rid of the condoms, but can't do it until I know for sure it's safe. This is some ridiculous amount of self-discipline I've been exercising. For a chick who loves sucking cock, it's pretty inconvenient dealing with a condom. Well, actually it's only the little bulbous thing (reservoir?) that's an issue. Funny enough that dangly thing is the same shape as my dangly thing (epiglottis?) and they do not like each other!

OK, back to my point. I love this man, and I love how we take great leaps forward. I am at the point in my life where I need to know he can deliver what I need, especially considering that I am planning on uprooting my life here and moving myself and my daughter 2000 miles away. Wow, it blows my mind sometimes. And then again it excites me. Kinda like sex.

Stay tuned for the Andy story.

family dreams

One of the things that worried me during my marriage was that my 2 daughters would view their parents' relationship as a normal marriage. This saddened me greatly (among other things). I dreaded the possibility that they would seek a marriage just like ours for themselves, one with so little love, affection and interaction.

So naturally, when I left their dad, I had dreams of a new relationship in which my daughters would witness love and respect between a man and woman. I specifically wanted them to see a man adore me and treat me in a loving way. I knew I would have no trouble showing affection as long as I felt loved. As they were young teenagers then, I figured the timing was vital because they would soon be sizing up partners of their own.

Inasmuch as I knew I would have a loving relationship (and I've been blessed enough to be in my 3rd one post-marriage), it hasn't been till now that I could see a man blending into my family. Although Rob has been loving and supportive over the last 4 years, he has kept his distance from my girls for various reasons, and they have never embraced him. Maria outright dislikes him through no fault of his own. Christie is indifferent towards Rob.

Andy entered our lives a year ago. In October 09 we started skyping and it was then that Christie was introduced to Andy and caught a glimpse of Mom's new relationship. She liked Andy because he is as zany as she is. He's funny, he burps loud (like us) and he knows some famous people. What more could a teenager ask for? Plus Christie noticed how much I laughed when I would talk to him. Maria had already moved to her dad's, so she didn't know much about Andy until he visited here in January.

It was then that it hit me. Andy stayed in our house for 4 days. It was the most comfortable, natural thing. It felt like he belonged. He was so great with Christie, and with my dog, as if he already lived here. When I saw him in the livingroom with Christie just talking and hanging out, I felt like we were a family. I was moved.

When I booked the trip to LA, and asked if I could bring Christie along to see if she liked it, he didn't hesitate to say yes. What man would do that?! He knows she's a great kid, but still, this was to be our vacation time and he has a one bedroom apartment.

So the time comes after much waiting. Christie and I make the trip to LA, our first time across the big US of A. We land at LAX and manage to find our way to the pick up area. Taking the final descent on the escalator, first I see a pair of feet I recognize, then legs, then 2 bouquets in brown wrap. It's Andy and he's brought flowers for Christie and for me. How thoughtful is that...

The whole week he looked after me and my daughter. Made sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed. He cooked special stuff for her and wouldn't even let her help with dishes. I think he spoiled her a bit, but I let him. He won huge points with me and warmed my heart immensely.

Andy won Christie over as well. By day 2 she wanted to move to LA. After an outing with Andy's 17-yr old son Angelo, she said she'd never look at the boys back home the same way again. He'd made quite an impression on her. She climbed into the car with us and declared that Angelo was now her brother so Andy and I better get married! When I hollered I love you to Andy from across the room, she said me too! She hugged Andy several times during the trip, and especially when we said goodbye at the airport.

It's falling into place nicely. We love Andy and Andy loves us. Nice to see my family dreams coming true at last.

like a honeymoon

Rob took me on a consolation getaway this weekend. I say consolation because he had offered to take me to Florida for a week, but I couldn't in good conscience accept such a large gift considering the state of our relationship. I did agree to a one-night getaway to a dreamy location about 2 hours away.

The weather was just perfect, a sunny and balmy fall day, the colours of the trees at their peak. I'd been to this place before for work, but Rob had not. I knew he would love it there because of the falls, the woods and the rural location, and I was right.

It was a day and night filled with greatness. We hiked and stumbled upon an art gallery that was so alive with character and painters doing their stuff while we watched. Gorgeous scenery, sun beaming and water sparkling. Our dinner was tres romantic and the wine was as fabulous as the food.

I believe Rob used this trip to his advantage. Rob was determined to let me know how he truly felt about me. He was expressive beyond anything he'd ever said or done before. He even mentioned not once, but twice, how this felt like a honeymoon. That's a word he never brought up before because it is too damn close to marriage, and we just didn't go there in conversation. I think he has realized what a mistake that was.

At dinner he'd forgotten his glasses, so he handed me his credit card and asked me to take care of the bill. Even to sign for him. You may not think much of this act, but I'll tell ya it was big. First of all, we usually split the cost of things, so this felt really different. Second, him expecting me to sign his name, was like, being married. It actually made my heart jump, it felt so different.

Moving onward, we are up in our room christening the bed. He's on top of me, moving slowly, looking into my eyes, when he says I just want you to know that I really love you and if you're ready, I'm ready to have a relationship at any level that you want.

OK, so that's big too. About 6 months too late, but I can definitely appreciate the sentiment.

And THEN, he made some reference to taking me to Santorini some day.

OK, you have to realize that that's the clincher here. That basically means I will marry you.

So, yes, I am stunned, and scared that he will propose to me in this bed, on this trip, and I will have to say.....honey, sorry, no. But he must have seen the look on my face cuz he said don't worry I'm not going to ask you to marry me.

Phew!!! Since the pressure was off, I was very much able to play along in our fantasy honeymoon. And I must admit it was pretty fun, and sexy. We made a lot of love in that room. The photo is mine (for a change). It's the view from the balcony of the room we stayed in. Makes a nice honeymoon spot, dontcha think?