the meeting

I'm glad I didn't call him a dickhead after all. Jeff, my ex, behaved himself yesterday when Christie and I went to meet him.

It was the first time in about 3 years that he has even set eyes on me. Pretty astounding that the 3 of us sat at a table and had a productive conversation. We talked about Christie and me moving to Los Angeles. He didn't bark, he didn't bite. Only one small snarl, when he spoke the word 'boyfriend' (referring to Andy).

I feel good about the way I handled myself. I started and ended the conversation, and got all my points covered. I supported Christie as she needed so that she could express herself in front of a dad she's pretty intimidated by. He now knows that she wants to move to LA and there's nothing he can do to convince her otherwise.

He has agreed to provide me with a notarized letter giving his permission. Of course, he wants my assurance that I won't ask him for child support once I'm there. Why would I, after having managed the last 2 years without it? I am proud of the fact that I can support her on my own.

We also talked about Maria. He said she is very hard to handle at times., and very hard on him. But he feels he is one of the only people who has any control over her. It could be that he can still yell louder than she can. Or it might be because he bought her the car she is driving.

I told him that I feel bad that I can't reach Maria, but I am very proud of her accomplishments. She's doing very well in university while holding down a part time job. He said he would tell her that I am proud of her. For that I am also thankful.

Before he left, we all agreed that Christie would spend some time living at his house during the month of June--as long as she is comfortable there. She can spend the remainder of the time with me, her best friend's family, or with other family members. But come mid-July she is getting on a plane for LA where she will live with me, and Andy. :)

wedding dream...almost a nightmare

I had a very vivid dream about a wedding. It was mine, but unfortunately to the wrong guy. Started with a short scene in which my ex Jeff and I were together again--he was trying to make the moves on me--and I was feeling very reluctant and uncomfortable. I cringed at his touch or the thought of touching him.

Next scene I am in my wedding dress (yes, the original one from 1988), surrounded by the females in my family. They are putting the final touches on me as I am about to walk down the aisle to marry Jeff again. (In real life, our divorce has been final only one month.) This dream finds me in a state of mental turmoil. Something just isn't right. DUH!

I walk out of the dressing room to enter the area where all our guests are taking their seats preparing for the ceremony to begin. Where is my mother??! I am looking frantically for her. I happen to run into my sister. She confessed that Mom had gone to get favors for the tables because they looked so empty and non-festive. You see, no one had planned this wedding with love. It was a wedding of convenience, thrown together in a hurry.

Since I couldn't find Mom, I told my sister. I just had to tell someone! I said I can't do this. Jeff only wants to marry me so that it looks good on him. He wants to go into politics, you know. And I'm thinking all the while, Oh God, Mom's spending all of her own money on party favors for this wedding that's not going to happen. (You see, I'm practical even in my dreams.)

Fast forward...I am standing at the altar and my former husband/'husband-to-be' takes his place beside me. We are about to be married. The pressure is mounting. He is dressed in an old-fashioned British red coat uniform for some unknown reason, but I do notice that the tight white pants look good on him. (Ewww!)

At the last second I can bear it no more. I walk over to face the crowd of our families and friends. I tell them that I can't in good faith go ahead with this marriage. That the only reason Jeff wants to marry me (again) is so that he can present a good image for when he runs for office. I explained that I couldn't overlook that fact just for his benefit, and that marriage was too sacred a bond to mess with.

Deep down I knew that I must follow my heart, and that my heart was definitely elsewhere. It made me happy that I was true to myself even in my dreams. I just wish I could have added on my own end to the dream. One where Andy shows up and asks me to marry him in front of the whole crowd. Then everyone cheers because they recognize true love when they see it.

almost divorced

With any luck I'll be divorced by Valentine's Day. I filed my final papers to divorce the dickhead on my first day back from LA.

Unfortunately, the closer I get to home base, the more of an asshole he becomes. He must have had a fight with his girlfriend or something. I cannot believe how he still blames me for everything that's wrong in his life. We're talking 5 years that he and I have been separated.

Holy shit. Get over it, man. I can't wait to be done with him. Even better...2500 miles away!

build your own man

I wish I could combine the traits of all the men I've known. I would start with the ability to love unconditionally--and that I would find in Cam, Rob or Andy.

Then I'd add in Rob's level-headedness, his spiritual beliefs that pretty much mirror mine, his physical fitness, his penis, his butt, his abs and shoulders, his back, his sexual finesse, his love for touching and caressing me endlessly, his openness and willingness to listen and express himself, his financial stability and his ability to solve problems and fix just about anything. I also like our history, and that we started as friends first, and have invested so much in our relationship.

My history with Cam is also to be treasured. He was my (original) soulmate. What I valued most about Cam was his ability to stimulate my mind and emotion. I loved how philosophical and deep he was. I feel I could be emotionally healed by someone like that. He would make me dig down inside myself and figure out what I was made of. I would take his beautiful blue eyes--my favoritest eyes ever! I was also attracted to his love for and knowledge of music. He is also an awesome father, absolutely adored by his son. I love that. And his need to take care of me. He was a very nurturing, caring person.

Franco's voice was the sexiest ever. He could have made a million dollars selling phone sex, or really anything to women over the phone. His charisma was over the top awesome. I also loved his creativity. He was a great flirt and a very adoring gentleman with a face that exemplified love.

Andy's face also speaks love every time he looks at me. I will take the adoration he has for me!! He has the best lips as well as being the best kisser ever--hands down. I love his creative energy, his talent, his affinity for words, especially the romantic ones that touch a tender chord in any woman who ever wanted to be loved. I love the story of how he became an artist, the world he currently lives in and how he's about to make it big. All that potential and the thought of being a part of that exciting time in his life/our lives. I love Andy's sense of humor. I love how unjaded he is about love and his complete openness to giving me whatever I want and need, even if it's a vital organ. How he has offered his life to me right from the beginning. I can be myself with him and feel accepted. We burp freely with each other! I love how he fits comfortably in my world, and in my family. And he's so comfy to sleep with. No snoring!! He treats his mother and brothers very well. I admire his personality and his work. I am proud to be seen with him.

What about my ex-husband Jeff...? He does have good qualities. I would take his sense of responsibility and desire to protect his family. I would also like my man to have Jeff's cooking skills. That he is the father of my children would be nice to transfer to someone else, but unfortunately not possible.

Lee. Lee has a really nice stature. Tall, curly dirty blond hair, nicely built. Bonus. He's a good father to his teenage daughter, something I admire very much. And fairly charity-minded and worldly. I like that too.

Hmmm...am I done building the perfect guy yet?