worth wanting

I'd spent the beginning of the week feeling dejected, depleted, and just plain sick of looking for work with so little response. Wondering if I'd ever feel like a productive and valued human being in the workplace again I was starting to give thought to what I'd do if I really couldn't find work in LA.

For sure I would feel totally fucked. I would forever live in disbelief at how my well-laid plans could go awry.

Well, that was Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. On Thursday a glimmer of hope arrived. An agency I had applied to wanted to schedule me for a test. I'd gotten through the pre-screening phone interview and they were committing to a test. We booked that. A second company also finally emailed me and asked to have a phone call next week. Great news!

On Friday I decided to ride into the city with Andy to meet a friend of his who wants him to do a painting on a wall in her house. She and I got to talking and found out that one of her best friends owns an agency that specializes in the kind of work that I do...and they are hiring! I felt like I hit the jackpot. The rest of the day I walked a little lighter, felt like I had a lot more to smile about and could finally allow myself to enjoy the present. I felt like the old me--the one who knew who she was. I felt a sense of belonging for the first time since moving to this city.

It got even better. While I was standing at the BBQ grilling some chicken for dinner, I received a call from agency #1 for an in-person interview. That is, they scheduled a meeting even before I'd taken the test. Niiice! Things are def happening.

Saturday morning Andy and I are in bed making passionate love when my Android pings. I ignore it at the time, but wondering who would be emailing me on the old Gmail account that I had only used for live chats with a old lover (and to set up my new Android this past summer).

Oh God, it was Cam. I hadn't heard from him in over 3 years. He was wondering how I was, and the kids, that kind of stuff. And he said he hoped I didn't mind him emailing me. It stopped me in my tracks.

A lot went through my mind for the next few hours. I wanted to respond but then again I didn't. I certainly didn't want to dredge up all those heated memories and emotions. I know my limits and Cam is dangerous for me. And Andy is too important to me. I've made a commitment to give this relationship my full attention. I couldn't let it go astray because of Cam. It would be the worst thing ever to do to Andy.

I also started to question why now? If something had been terribly wrong in Cam's life I think he would have said so. Maybe he's available again and fishing for info on my status. Maybe he was just bored. Regardless of his reason, I needed to know on a deeper level, why did this come to me right now?

What I decided was that Cam's email was a reminder that I am wanted. People want me. Businesses want me, too. And I'm not supposed to forget that. His message came in order to support the events of the last couple days and to remind me that I am worth wanting.

I thanked the universe for sending the message through someone whose opinion I trust and hold close. I'll do my best to use it over the next couple weeks to keep the fire burning and impress the hell out of these employers. I'm ready to deal with multiple job offers. Kind of reminds me of when I sold my house. Bidding war? Bring it on.

the meeting

I'm glad I didn't call him a dickhead after all. Jeff, my ex, behaved himself yesterday when Christie and I went to meet him.

It was the first time in about 3 years that he has even set eyes on me. Pretty astounding that the 3 of us sat at a table and had a productive conversation. We talked about Christie and me moving to Los Angeles. He didn't bark, he didn't bite. Only one small snarl, when he spoke the word 'boyfriend' (referring to Andy).

I feel good about the way I handled myself. I started and ended the conversation, and got all my points covered. I supported Christie as she needed so that she could express herself in front of a dad she's pretty intimidated by. He now knows that she wants to move to LA and there's nothing he can do to convince her otherwise.

He has agreed to provide me with a notarized letter giving his permission. Of course, he wants my assurance that I won't ask him for child support once I'm there. Why would I, after having managed the last 2 years without it? I am proud of the fact that I can support her on my own.

We also talked about Maria. He said she is very hard to handle at times., and very hard on him. But he feels he is one of the only people who has any control over her. It could be that he can still yell louder than she can. Or it might be because he bought her the car she is driving.

I told him that I feel bad that I can't reach Maria, but I am very proud of her accomplishments. She's doing very well in university while holding down a part time job. He said he would tell her that I am proud of her. For that I am also thankful.

Before he left, we all agreed that Christie would spend some time living at his house during the month of June--as long as she is comfortable there. She can spend the remainder of the time with me, her best friend's family, or with other family members. But come mid-July she is getting on a plane for LA where she will live with me, and Andy. :)