one year in LA

Still a newbie, but definitely learning the ropes, I am extremely proud to say that I survived my first year living in LA. Not for the faint of heart, LA chews you up and spits you out, all the while asking how much more do you want to take? Then, when you look it square in the eye and say bring it on bitch, it backs off and says ok, I guess you can stay.

Victorious? Well, not quite yet. Still some obstacles to overcome, and I certainly have not met my main goals in coming here. But for now I am happy to be healthy, employed, in love, and finding my space in the city of angels.

The other night as I was leaving Santa Monica and merging onto the 405 from the 10, I saw the lights of downtown LA on my right far off in the distance, the buildings of the Wilshire district at my immediate right and the hills of the San Fernando Valley ahead. It was a sight to behold--I mean it is so damn beautiful and breathtaking that sometimes it hits me and I get a little choked up.

Where else in this country, maybe in the whole world, has all this to offer?--ocean beaches, nightlife, endless action, culture, mountains, cities within cities, amazing weather, shopping galore, everything...except my family.

Dunno, guess LA's growing on me a little.

a little peace

I have a few simple things to say.

Working is great. I have purpose. I am learning. I am impressing the people who observe me in my work. I am getting paid. I feel good about me.

I cleared the air with Andy. One night it all came gushing forth. I said what I needed to say without being hurtful. It seems we were both hiding a lot of the same feelings. I immediately felt closer to him. All resentment has disappeared. I now look forward to spending time with him instead of looking for other things I *have to do*. Quite a little miracle, this communication thing.

Lovvvvvvving the dogs. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I volunteer at the animal shelter. Not only do I love choosing lonely or scared dogs to nurture, but I love helping match a dog to someone who's looking for a new four legged friend. I am really good at it and I cannot describe how amazing it feels each time I get one more dog out of that place and into a loving home.

Now that I have my finances and relationship under control, I have only one area of concern. Christie, my 16 year old daughter. She hasn't been too happy or healthy since December. I am not sure how much of her current state is due to the fact that she is being a teenager and how much is a result of moving her 2,000 miles away from the life she used to know. One thing I am sure of, though--I have done, and continue to do, everything I can to help her.

Christie will be going back home to stay with her dad and my older daughter Maria for about 6 weeks this summer. This will probably reveal some things. I just don't want a health crisis like we had on out Christmas trip back home. Friggin' nightmare. I truly hope she realizes what she wants and needs, and finds some direction. I miss the old Christie :(

ANYWAY...it appears my life is back on track. I am finding a little peace at last. Maybe Christie will find her way soon. I'll be patient. God hasn't let me down yet.

Happy endings required.

sacred space

Space is essential to getting in touch with yourself. I need space to find my peace. There is little peace within our apartment, unless I go into the bathroom, shut the door and run bath water. There I can be alone and uninterrupted in my thoughts.

Today I found peace on a walk in the neighbourhood, weaving in and out of the side streets. What I love most about these streets, besides the fact that they are quieter than the high-traffic, siren-blaring city street that we live on, is that I can get deeper into my head and go places that feel good and right to me.

I experimented today on my walk. I decided to see how far I could go mentally while fantasizing about a ‘perfect life’. My hope was to raise my mental and emotional state to a level that would attract all great things to me. I know these things are waiting for me, but I need to achieve and maintain a higher level of being in order to bring them to me faster. So this is how it went…

I imagined going to a job that I loved, in a place that I admired, doing work that was meaningful and rewarding, working with people who were fun, smart and kind, producing great things, having awesome conversations with my coworkers and all business associates, eating fabulous lunches, wearing great clothes, and basically, enjoying every minute that I spend there.

Then I’d have a pleasant drive home in a gorgeous car which was always clean, and arrive at my home sweet home on a peaceful street lined with cute houses with pretty gardens, white fences or regal gates, and lovely trees with lots of chirping birds.

I’d come home to loved ones who’d had a marvellous day themselves, including my easygoing maintenance-free pets. A heavenly smell would be wafting from the kitchen and we’d soon be sitting down to dinner, but not until we shared a glass of wine. The sun was always shining and lighting up the inside of our house, windows open, but warm floors, and fresh flowers in vases.

Dinner is amazing especially because I didn’t have to cook it myself. We talk, share stories and laugh. After clearing the table we go for a walk, or I putter in the garden with my companion 2^nd glass of wine in hand. The singing of the birds fades as the sun sinks in the sky. My garden patio is my Eden.

I go to sleep with the satisfaction of today behind me and the excitement of tomorrow ahead. When I wake, the sun is always there to invite me into the day. I am up earlier than everyone else, even my neighbors. My world is silent except for the birds and the perking sounds made by the coffee pot.

Walking into my kitchen bathed in morning sunlight, the window is still open from last night and the scent of sweet jasmine is wafting in. I pour myself some organic coffee in the mug that Maria gave me many Christmases ago and walk out the back door onto the sunny stoop with my pets. I watch my pets wander through the garden, butterflies land on flowers, the sun warms my bare legs, the caffeine lifts me and ideas for the day start flowing.

I’ll plant something today. Mom will come over for lunch and we’ll talk for a couple hours about life and stuff. Later I’ll take Maria shopping and we’ll buy whatever we damn well please, because we can. Andy will bring Christie and the 4 of us will meet somewhere nice for dinner and drinks, maybe overlooking the ocean.

All the while I feel so blessed to have found exactly what I’ve been looking for, and I love every moment of my life.

You can see why I didn’t want to come back home after that walk. The fantasy was so real at one point that it brought tears to my eyes. That’s when I knew I was on my way to achieve what I had set out to do. It had felt so good in every sensual and spiritual way to dream that dream. I must go there again, and often. That magical place, my sacred space.

sweet past

It was a beautiful day, and because there haven't been many of those, I made a point of planning a walk after dinner. I called Rob to see if he wanted to join me.

We met on the street between our two streets. He was wearing one of those skin tight shirts that athletes wear and I swear his pecs were bigger than my boobs. Anyway, he looked really good in it. He's been working hard for it mountain biking and going to the gym. Good for him.

We had what I thought was a short walk and ended up at his house for a drink. He also wanted to show me his gardens. He'd finally done the beds with some plants and a nice dark mulch, and I almost gasped when I saw it. It looked so awesome after a couple years of nothing but weeds there.

We went inside and while he was pouring us whiskey, I strolled onto his deck. At my first glimpse of the green wonderland that is his backyard, and the huge deck (I said deck) which I helped build, and the flowering dogwood that seems to glow in the dark, I was overcome with emotion.

This place held so many memories, good ones. No, great ones! All those conversations on the worn old adirondack chairs. How many cups of tea and glasses of whiskey were drunk here? We'd even sat naked on those chairs more than a couple times and soaked up the sun.

All those bits of memory flashed before me and I knew that I would miss this place very much. A part of me already misses the sweetness of those times. I always knew I could count on a big dose of TLC when I was with Rob. He has always been comfort to me. Still is.

I realize that I have chosen other things for myself and I am still confident that I am doing what I need and want to do. But that's not to say that it doesn't come without a price. There will be days, I am sure, when I have to close my eyes and bring back those memories for whatever reason. In times when I feel lost or hurt or sick, I may turn to memories even if it's not the appropriate thing to do. It is what I do.

I have fond memories of all my times with Rob. And I want to keep them close to my heart. As if they could ever leave.

moving forward with Maria

Maria emailed me asking nicely if I wanted to get together to talk about some of our issues. Of course I jumped at the chance. I invited her to come for waffles.

She showed up at noon. I was pretty calm considering I hadn't seen her in months. Maybe I was just ready to trust that things were going to be all right. Everything else in my life seems to fall into place perfectly, so why wouldn't this?

I drank in the sight of her as she asked me questions about my trip to LA. I showed her the brochure of the apartment building where we found a place and she asked lots of questions and had only nice things to say about it. I was in heaven.

She talked about her life, the semester she just finished and how she wants to go to law school after she graduates (whoa). Maria and I sat at the dining room table for 2 hours and talked about so many things. It had been so long since we'd communicated like this...All the while I am floored by how smart, mature and beautiful my daughter is.

We got onto the subject of my moving, or "my leaving her" as she would put it. I explained how both Christie and I feel like this is such a great opportunity for us. We are bored here and looking for new things to learn and experience. It's not that we're "leaving her", we're exploring a new piece of life. Maria found it hard to see it our way, but luckily it didn't turn into a fight or an attack on me as it always had in the past. We agreed to disagree on some things.

When I asked Maria if she would come out to visit, she said she wasn't sure she could be in the same place as Andy. I asked why, and she responded that she didn't like him. I know what that means. It means that she needs a scapegoat to blame for this whole scenario. And since Andy's the one who lives in LA, it must be his fault that Christie and I are going there.

Maria is too smart not to realize the illogic in her line of thinking. But I didn't push her on it. Time heals all.

Before she left, she came over to me and gave me a hug. Despite all the words and feelings that were exchanged over the last 2 hours, it was the hug that meant the most to me. I have craved that for so long and today I got it. Thank God. I love my daughter and I feel that she will now accept my love again.

the meeting

I'm glad I didn't call him a dickhead after all. Jeff, my ex, behaved himself yesterday when Christie and I went to meet him.

It was the first time in about 3 years that he has even set eyes on me. Pretty astounding that the 3 of us sat at a table and had a productive conversation. We talked about Christie and me moving to Los Angeles. He didn't bark, he didn't bite. Only one small snarl, when he spoke the word 'boyfriend' (referring to Andy).

I feel good about the way I handled myself. I started and ended the conversation, and got all my points covered. I supported Christie as she needed so that she could express herself in front of a dad she's pretty intimidated by. He now knows that she wants to move to LA and there's nothing he can do to convince her otherwise.

He has agreed to provide me with a notarized letter giving his permission. Of course, he wants my assurance that I won't ask him for child support once I'm there. Why would I, after having managed the last 2 years without it? I am proud of the fact that I can support her on my own.

We also talked about Maria. He said she is very hard to handle at times., and very hard on him. But he feels he is one of the only people who has any control over her. It could be that he can still yell louder than she can. Or it might be because he bought her the car she is driving.

I told him that I feel bad that I can't reach Maria, but I am very proud of her accomplishments. She's doing very well in university while holding down a part time job. He said he would tell her that I am proud of her. For that I am also thankful.

Before he left, we all agreed that Christie would spend some time living at his house during the month of June--as long as she is comfortable there. She can spend the remainder of the time with me, her best friend's family, or with other family members. But come mid-July she is getting on a plane for LA where she will live with me, and Andy. :)

christmas eve

I'm blessed to have spent Christmas Eve with both my girls. I rarely see Maria anymore. 19 and living at her dad's, her priorities are clubbin' and, luckily, doing well in university. If you didn't already know, she and I have a history of a very stressed relationship. When she does come over, I feel it is actually to see her sister (Christie, 15) and the dog (Snoop, 9), not me.

I don't expect hugs, kisses, or I love you's from Maria. She doesn't welcome those things from me either, which used to hurt a lot, but now it just hurts a little for a short time. I am just grateful if there is peace and respect. On Christmas Eve it should be easy to get along. And we did.

The biggest compliment to me was that she chose to spend the night here and sleep over. It felt nice...complete...to have her back in the house, make up her bed again for her, cook for her. To be able to have them both wake up here on Christmas morning makes a mama smile.

:D

maria update

It's been awhile since I blogged about either of my daughters. Maria, my oldest at 18, has presented me with more challenges in my life than any other person.

Although we haven't resolved all our issues, I have found more peace lately as she matures and her life progresses.

Now in her 2nd semester at university, she is settling into a groove. Whereas in her 1st semester she thought she couldn't handle it and university life just sucked, she is now showing admirable signs of persistence and drive. She is handling her workload at school, and even talking about a master's degree.

It's nice to see that her feistiness as a baby/toddler/child/teenager has paid off. She may not be as independent as I was at her age, but she's certainly more goal-oriented and decisive. She's no pushover. I'm sure she'll do well in the workforce. It's her personal relationships that I worry about. ANYWAY...

She just landed a part-time job, something she's wanted for over a year, but couldn't seem to find. She has a fondness for the finer things in life, so I am glad she can start having some of those. Her dad and I haven't been able to afford any extravagance since he lost his job last June.

Maria is also getting along so much better with Christie, my 14 year old. The tension between them has subsided now that they do not live together. They appreciate each other more. I absolutely love hearing them in conversation, and laughing. It warms my heart. I so value my relationship with my sister and I wanted them to have the same close bond as I did/do.

I can only hope that things keep improving for Maria. Despite her issues with me, I want her to find her own peace and success in life. ..even if I have to sacrifice having her complete love and affection. It's been 5 long years since she let me hug her. But as long as she is thriving and seemingly happy, I can be happy too.

thankful

As shitty as things can get, through the highs and the lows and the everyday things we all take for granted, there's always plenty to be thankful for. I believe there's no better way to get more of the good than to recognize it though gratitude.

Here are some specific gifts that have presented themselves to me this year.

A FRIEND'S RECOVERY - My (former) boss and good friend beat cancer without having to go through chemo. He'd almost died twice while in the hospital. Not only did he conquer cancer, but he is feeling great and living life on his own terms. Woo-hoo!

PEACE - My house found peace once more. My oldest daughter Maria moved to her dad's in April. At first it was difficult to see it as anything other than a failure in parenting. But once my tears dried and the dust settled, Christie (my youngest) and I started feeling more comfortable, free and relaxed in our home. Also the distance between Maria and us allowed us to appreciate each other and develop new habits in our relationship. Maria is doing well.

CLARITY - I realized what I want in a relationship and for my life, in general. I also realized that it's not going to happen with Rob. I was able to tell him that and move forward.

INDEPENDENCE - My ex lost his job which meant that all child support payments stopped. I panicked at first, but somehow I'm making ends meet on my own. I love not needing him for anything. And I mean anything!