sweet past

It was a beautiful day, and because there haven't been many of those, I made a point of planning a walk after dinner. I called Rob to see if he wanted to join me.

We met on the street between our two streets. He was wearing one of those skin tight shirts that athletes wear and I swear his pecs were bigger than my boobs. Anyway, he looked really good in it. He's been working hard for it mountain biking and going to the gym. Good for him.

We had what I thought was a short walk and ended up at his house for a drink. He also wanted to show me his gardens. He'd finally done the beds with some plants and a nice dark mulch, and I almost gasped when I saw it. It looked so awesome after a couple years of nothing but weeds there.

We went inside and while he was pouring us whiskey, I strolled onto his deck. At my first glimpse of the green wonderland that is his backyard, and the huge deck (I said deck) which I helped build, and the flowering dogwood that seems to glow in the dark, I was overcome with emotion.

This place held so many memories, good ones. No, great ones! All those conversations on the worn old adirondack chairs. How many cups of tea and glasses of whiskey were drunk here? We'd even sat naked on those chairs more than a couple times and soaked up the sun.

All those bits of memory flashed before me and I knew that I would miss this place very much. A part of me already misses the sweetness of those times. I always knew I could count on a big dose of TLC when I was with Rob. He has always been comfort to me. Still is.

I realize that I have chosen other things for myself and I am still confident that I am doing what I need and want to do. But that's not to say that it doesn't come without a price. There will be days, I am sure, when I have to close my eyes and bring back those memories for whatever reason. In times when I feel lost or hurt or sick, I may turn to memories even if it's not the appropriate thing to do. It is what I do.

I have fond memories of all my times with Rob. And I want to keep them close to my heart. As if they could ever leave.

missing

There were 2 things I knew I would miss when I gave up Rob. Well, maybe 3. One was his big cock--along with his sexual finesse, of course! Second was his endless energy to give me TLC. Rob would run his fingers through my hair for hours and touch me in spots that completely relaxed me. And third, I knew I'd miss the depth of conversation we had.

OK, so I'm getting along fine without 1 and 2. Andy and I have a sex life that has ventured into new erotic territory that I find hot hot hot. Not only is it hot, but it's fun, and I want more. I want to know his body better, and I want him to know mine better.

We have potential to grow our sex life into a major and fulfilling part of our lives someday. But it's pretty hard to get there from here. After all, we live 2,500 miles apart. And yeah, I could do with more back rubs, foot rubs and caresses all over. Andy does some of that for sure, but his adoration comes in other forms, mostly in words. And that is something that Rob did not/would not do.

What I am missing most about Rob is the talking. And this hits me hard when I am feeling down. Rob was a phenomenal listener. As well, he knew when to offer advice and when to shut up. He was genuinely interested in my feelings and where they came from. He was empathetic. Sometimes his eyes would fill with tears as he listened to my worries, struggles, whatever.

He didn't hesitate to ask me questions that I would have to go deep inside myself to answer. He exposed me, and I loved that. That was a huge reason for my attraction to Cam, and it turned out to be very addictive. I could only give Cam up if I found that quality somewhere else. And Rob filled the bill.

I haven't delved into my soul (out loud) with anyone in a long time. I miss it. I like when someone knows me inside and out, knows what makes me tick, handles me with care, works me, plays with me. I love going deep emotionally. Someone who forces me to discover things about who I am. It's not only one of my joys in life, I think it might be a necessity.

I really don't know yet if Andy has the ability, or the interest, to go that deep with me. I hope he does. I feel like I've only seen the tip of the iceberg with Andy. But so far I have loved what I've seen, and been impressed by the treasures I've found. He's already so much more than I first thought he was. And I love getting to know him. I guess we just need time.

But for now, who will I go deep with? Will Rob be willing to get together soon? He's been on a hiatus of sorts until he 'gets over me'. Will I find a girlfriend whose ear I could chew off? (girls are so less fun than boys.) Will I blog non-stop till I get it out of my system? Or will I create an issue with Andy just to draw out some more emotion and send us down that road? (sounds treacherous.)

s.o.s.

I made a rescue call to Rob yesterday. It was actually an email telling him I needed a hug. It had been a lousy week where I let my stress get the better of me. I decided I needed a night of major diversion cuz I'd been driving myself much too hard.

So when I got home from work, I dodged my usual routine. I threw together grilled cheese sandwiches and Campbell's tomato soup for dinner (awesome for dippin!), hopped into a hot bath, and completely ignored the dirty dishes and my laptop. Both homework and Andy got temporarily ditched. Then I poured myself a shot.

Rob called around 7:30 and came over. Christie had gone out so there as plenty of peace and quiet. I immediately took a hug, a long one. I was proud of myself for not crying in that moment of relief. To be honest, it felt like the love and comfort of a dad (that I never had). I really needed it. It's just plain nice to be cared for and held.

I went back for seconds, and thirds. The longer I stayed, the more TLC came my way. Rob's most defining factor (well, maybe 2nd most defining) is his ability and desire to stroke my hair endlessly. It's a rarity in a man, and it's something I always appreciated about him. I soaked it all in as a healing treatment. I finally relaxed and felt unburdened for the first time in weeks.

All the while Rob's hoping I will lie on the couch with him, I resist. He thought I was silly kneeling there on the floor with my head on his chest. I eventually hoisted myself up onto the couch alongside him, but left one leg planted on the floor. Very Lucy-like in my ways, feeling a need to play it safe and respect the relationship I've chosen. For anyone who's lost track, that means Andy!

Rob left by 10pm when I had to go pick Christie up. I was thankful for his love and support, and he was glad to give it. He is a true friend, and that is true love...when he can give to me unconditionally, knowing I can't return his love it in the way he would like. We are connected at a soul level and probably always will be.

love-a-thon

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeet! What a rockin' weekend. I don't know if it's cuz I'm ovulating or what, but I'm just exuding love.

It started on Friday night. I went over to Rob's to watch a movie. He proceeded to hand me 3 lavender roses signifying our 3-yr anniversary, plus a giant bottle of our favorite whiskey, plus a card with handwritten sentiment! I felt a bit dorkish not having made a big deal of our 3 years together. It just didn't seem appropriate under the circumstances. Anyway, I was very touched by his efforts and I thanked him profusely.

We ended up in our usual movie-watching position--my head on his lap. He strokes my hair endlessly and I fight to stay awake and feel totally pampered. I invited him to spend the night at my place. And he did. We had awesome sex and slept like a couple of cozy pretzels all night. We'd practically melded by morning, and neither of us was in a hurry to leave the bed.

Later Saturday I ran into Andy online and we chatted awhile and flirted. I was left wanting more and had lots more to give to him, but he had to go do some research for an upcoming project. Saturday night Rob came over again. I lit candles and opened the whiskey bottle. We sat on my couch for 2 hours and talked. About deep stuff, just like I like it. I need it. It certainly set the stage for an emotional night.

We went up to bed and proceeded to have some pretty mind-blowing sex. We saw sides of each other we hadn't seen in about half a year. It was hot and sweet and lusty and deep. More overnight pretzeling and morning lingering. It was all good.

Then yesterday afternoon I was cooking alone in my kitchen and Andy called me. His timing was perfect. I'd just put my beef stew in the oven and had about half a glass of yummy cab sauv in me. We talked for an hour I'd say. I was feeling really outgoing and loving. I freely told him how I felt about him and he was equally expressive. Heavenly!

At one point when we were discussing our plans for seeing each other I said that I thought I should go out to see him in the spring, to see if I like it there. He was agreeable. Then I asked him if he thought I should look for a job while I'm out there. It was quiet for a few seconds, then he said he was tearing up. I was touched that I had touched him. Whoa, I felt like a million bucks. Even though I can't touch him or make love to him, he feels me and I feel him. It's a beautiful relationship. Young and sweet.

Do you believe you can be in love with more than one person at a time? I do. I have done it before and I am doing it again. It's so fulfilling and feels so good. If everyone's feeling loved, how can it be wrong? It can't!