s.o.s.

I made a rescue call to Rob yesterday. It was actually an email telling him I needed a hug. It had been a lousy week where I let my stress get the better of me. I decided I needed a night of major diversion cuz I'd been driving myself much too hard.

So when I got home from work, I dodged my usual routine. I threw together grilled cheese sandwiches and Campbell's tomato soup for dinner (awesome for dippin!), hopped into a hot bath, and completely ignored the dirty dishes and my laptop. Both homework and Andy got temporarily ditched. Then I poured myself a shot.

Rob called around 7:30 and came over. Christie had gone out so there as plenty of peace and quiet. I immediately took a hug, a long one. I was proud of myself for not crying in that moment of relief. To be honest, it felt like the love and comfort of a dad (that I never had). I really needed it. It's just plain nice to be cared for and held.

I went back for seconds, and thirds. The longer I stayed, the more TLC came my way. Rob's most defining factor (well, maybe 2nd most defining) is his ability and desire to stroke my hair endlessly. It's a rarity in a man, and it's something I always appreciated about him. I soaked it all in as a healing treatment. I finally relaxed and felt unburdened for the first time in weeks.

All the while Rob's hoping I will lie on the couch with him, I resist. He thought I was silly kneeling there on the floor with my head on his chest. I eventually hoisted myself up onto the couch alongside him, but left one leg planted on the floor. Very Lucy-like in my ways, feeling a need to play it safe and respect the relationship I've chosen. For anyone who's lost track, that means Andy!

Rob left by 10pm when I had to go pick Christie up. I was thankful for his love and support, and he was glad to give it. He is a true friend, and that is true love...when he can give to me unconditionally, knowing I can't return his love it in the way he would like. We are connected at a soul level and probably always will be.

Rob--the new Cam

Something very profound has happened. I have recreated the intense connection I had with Cam, in Rob. I would have never thought it possible.

Rob came over the night after our last lovemaking session--the one in which he let himself completely fall into me. He thought it was important that we talked about what had happened. He was afraid that it might have weighed heavily on me. What he wanted me to know is that despite it being a very intense experience for him (one to which I responded the same way), it did not change his expectations of me or our relationship.

He said that he still accepted that I am searching for something else and that I might leave him. He didn't want to stifle his love based on fear. He had decided to keep on loving fully and openly. And he encouraged me to love freely too, whenever I felt like it, without fear of his expectations changing.

Having been somewhat floored by his generosity and strength, I commented that it sounded like he was giving me unconditional love. I told him how beautiful it was and that he sure had changed since I first met him. He teared up at those words, and so did I.

He regained his composure and related a story that I found most curious. He remembered back to our early months together when I was still in love with Cam. At that time he couldn't understand my connection to Cam. He didn't know what I meant when I said that Cam and I were connected at a very deep level in that I always felt him near and knew that he loved me no matter what.

Rob said that it has all become clear to him now. That is how he feels about me. He realizes that regardless of our physical location, we will always be together spiritually. We would be able to pick up at any time, to revive the intensity we have experienced together. It will never die.

I think this makes us soulmates.

As I lay in bed after the mindblowing sacred sex that ensued, I wondered what God was trying to tell me. I wonder why I am so blessed? I have had Cam love me like no other man ever did before or after. He knew me better than I knew myself. He was my guide, my emotional mentor.

I so longed for those traits in a partner--and that was the hardest thing to leave behind when I had to say goodbye to Cam. And now I have those things in Rob. How in the world do I keep getting this?

What's even more magnificent about all this is that Andy emailed me a picture today...the picture posted with this blog.