you're mine tonight

He had that look of love...you know, the one that sucks me in. And I needed to be sucked in.

I've been waaaay too distracted the last couple months. All that planning, racing to get things accomplished and scratched off my list. Fretting about packing and wondering if I'll get everything done in time for my house closing...it has left me stressed.

Even on my last trip to LA to see Andy. I didn't find myself falling into him, surrendering and completely loving it. I was guarded, and there was more planning, and worrying about things. This is not who I want to be.

I like the me that opens up and trusts, and follows the love wherever it takes me. I want to fall madly in love and give myself over to him.

The other night on skype Andy was gazing at me for an unexpectedly long time. He had the most contented look on his face, sort of grinning and he looked absolutely hot and adorable. I needed that look. It caught me and held me and I felt a stronger connection to him--one I haven't felt since I went into planning mode.

This is the look that makes everything else go away. It's like looking in on your whole life and suddenly realizing what's important and what's not. He left me floating.

big promises

I love Andy. His romance is contagious and I'm happy to make his dreams mine.

ah! bowakowa

Just as I pulled in the driveway to pick my daughter up from her friend's house a few weeks ago this tune came on the car radio. She hopped into the car. I strained to hear the song through my chatty daughter's words, pretending politely to listen to her when I really, really wanted to get lost in this song. I hadn't heard it in years.

I told Andy about this when I was at his house. Two days later when I was in his kitchen washing up some dishes, I heard it start playing over the speakers in his livingroom. He took my hand and led me into the livingroom, pulled me close and slowdanced with me.

Christie and her laptop appendage were chillin on the couch behind us. I turned my head away from her, and from Andy, resting it on his shoulder, so they wouldn't see the tears streaming down my face. It was a combination of his thoughtfulness, the dreaded thought of this dreamlike state ending in a few days, and the ethereal quality of this song, that sent me over the edge.

love-a-thon

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeet! What a rockin' weekend. I don't know if it's cuz I'm ovulating or what, but I'm just exuding love.

It started on Friday night. I went over to Rob's to watch a movie. He proceeded to hand me 3 lavender roses signifying our 3-yr anniversary, plus a giant bottle of our favorite whiskey, plus a card with handwritten sentiment! I felt a bit dorkish not having made a big deal of our 3 years together. It just didn't seem appropriate under the circumstances. Anyway, I was very touched by his efforts and I thanked him profusely.

We ended up in our usual movie-watching position--my head on his lap. He strokes my hair endlessly and I fight to stay awake and feel totally pampered. I invited him to spend the night at my place. And he did. We had awesome sex and slept like a couple of cozy pretzels all night. We'd practically melded by morning, and neither of us was in a hurry to leave the bed.

Later Saturday I ran into Andy online and we chatted awhile and flirted. I was left wanting more and had lots more to give to him, but he had to go do some research for an upcoming project. Saturday night Rob came over again. I lit candles and opened the whiskey bottle. We sat on my couch for 2 hours and talked. About deep stuff, just like I like it. I need it. It certainly set the stage for an emotional night.

We went up to bed and proceeded to have some pretty mind-blowing sex. We saw sides of each other we hadn't seen in about half a year. It was hot and sweet and lusty and deep. More overnight pretzeling and morning lingering. It was all good.

Then yesterday afternoon I was cooking alone in my kitchen and Andy called me. His timing was perfect. I'd just put my beef stew in the oven and had about half a glass of yummy cab sauv in me. We talked for an hour I'd say. I was feeling really outgoing and loving. I freely told him how I felt about him and he was equally expressive. Heavenly!

At one point when we were discussing our plans for seeing each other I said that I thought I should go out to see him in the spring, to see if I like it there. He was agreeable. Then I asked him if he thought I should look for a job while I'm out there. It was quiet for a few seconds, then he said he was tearing up. I was touched that I had touched him. Whoa, I felt like a million bucks. Even though I can't touch him or make love to him, he feels me and I feel him. It's a beautiful relationship. Young and sweet.

Do you believe you can be in love with more than one person at a time? I do. I have done it before and I am doing it again. It's so fulfilling and feels so good. If everyone's feeling loved, how can it be wrong? It can't!

a woman's touch

This week I had the very first facial of my life. Not only did it feel wonderful for my face, but it was a very inspirational experience, this 80 minutes of pampering. It brought out some very unusual thoughts while I lay there somewhat paralyzed with pleasure.

The esthetician who worked on me was a young woman, early 20s, petite and gentle in every way. She massaged my face a few times during the treatment. Her touch was so light and rhythmic that it felt like her fingers were slow dancing on my face.

It struck me how delicate a woman's touch can be and it was attractive to me, in a way. I wondered if that's how Rob feels when I touch him. I also wondered if I was feeling the same sweetness of a woman's touch that men fall in love with. I suddenly could relate to being a man, and imagined myself as one being touched by a woman. It was weird, but fascinating at the same time. I swear I felt like I was in another dimension.

Rob and I have talked about having a threesome with another woman--just casually, not that we're planning one. I have a true appreciation for the human body, both male and female, and wouldn't be opposed to enjoying a woman. After all, I never have touched another woman intimately. I think it could be fun with the right person, but I definitely would want my man present. I would be a lot more comfortable doing it in the context of love, my love for Rob.