WANTED: Joy (Part II)

What is my joy, where are all the things that fed me and fuelled my passion for living and loving? I need to get in touch with these things again. My life depends on it. Let’s rewind and see what we can find.

I seem to remember the joy that my sex life used to produce. Hours of intense lovemaking led to not only physical pleasure, but emotional bonding, even on a spiritual level. I felt God’s presence regularly in the bedroom. So why can’t I have that now? Because God needs more than 20 minutes’ notice? Because two are more powerful than one in the spiritual arena and right now I’m the only one thinking beyond sex as pleasure?

Music is another thing that used to make me feel alive and really charged inside. Since I moved in with Andy I’ve put my musical tastes second to his as music is so much more a part of his daily life than it was mine. Maybe that was a mistake, even though I like most of his music. Last night I escaped to the bedroom where my stereo lives. I closed the door and sunk into total bliss as I listened the entire Grace CD by Jeff Buckley (one of my favourites). My mind had been craving something that complex, intense and beautiful. I loved being surrounded, totally enveloped by it. It reminded me of who I am. It reminded me of Cam. Most of all it reminded me how music moves me.

Being in the presence of great people used to excite me. When Andy is working a show he becomes a personality that is totally attractive and inspiring to me. I am trying to find that spark in him while he is living the other more normal parts of life, but I haven’t found enough of it to satisfy me yet. Still I miss the other great people I used to get to be with. Distance now separates me from most of them, and technology doesn’t quite close the gap. People don’t always take the time to keep in touch. And when they do I can’t look them in the eye, share a drink with them, or feel their hearts when we hug. There is a face-to-face energy that I really crave.

Creativity…there’s another possibility. Should I start drawing again? I’ve heard myself say I’d do that over the years and still haven’t. I had talent. I wonder if I still do, and if it would feel good to draw again? Then there’s the writing thing. Not feeling as confident about that. I feel I used to be much better at writing a few years ago than I am today. Today I mostly use writing as therapy. If it gets good, it does, but I can’t get caught up in that. My limited audience will have to endure my creative block.

I love the endorphin rush of a good workout. So I've started working out twice a week instead of once. Good for the heart, the mind, and I like my thighs a lot better too. I'll keep this up as long as I can.

My passion for living and loving feels just out of reach. I know it's something I can have again, I just have to find my way back to it. So, what's stopping me? I really can't look to anyone but myself, can I? Maybe it's time to take a serious look at myself and what I've created. How has my reality deviated so far from the dream?

ah! bowakowa

Just as I pulled in the driveway to pick my daughter up from her friend's house a few weeks ago this tune came on the car radio. She hopped into the car. I strained to hear the song through my chatty daughter's words, pretending politely to listen to her when I really, really wanted to get lost in this song. I hadn't heard it in years.

I told Andy about this when I was at his house. Two days later when I was in his kitchen washing up some dishes, I heard it start playing over the speakers in his livingroom. He took my hand and led me into the livingroom, pulled me close and slowdanced with me.

Christie and her laptop appendage were chillin on the couch behind us. I turned my head away from her, and from Andy, resting it on his shoulder, so they wouldn't see the tears streaming down my face. It was a combination of his thoughtfulness, the dreaded thought of this dreamlike state ending in a few days, and the ethereal quality of this song, that sent me over the edge.

sentiment through song

Andy posted this song to my wall this morning, and I got all mushy inside.

You are a car
You are a hospital
I'd walk to hell and back
To see you smile
On saturday
You are a star
You are a sea of air
I play great keyboards
Of horses' teeth
On saturday
On saturday
I'd like to tell you
How I feel
I'll probably keep it'til saturday
Oh saturday, saturday

tune of the month - heaven stood still

I'm not sure I've ever heard a more beautiful song. Andy posted this song as a tribute to Willy DeVille who died suddenly last week. Andy, artist of words, has once more brought my attention to something that leaves me breathless.