getting the groove back - with a friend

The decision to volunteer should have been a no-brainer. During previous low points in my life I found that giving of myself was the key to feeling good again. Why do I forget these things? I suspect I'd save a lot of time and misery if my memory was better.

I was in dire need of someone to lean on. I'd been trying hard not to unload too much of my own worries on Andy for fear he'd freak out. I felt he was at his limit for my frustration and if I told him how I honestly felt, he'd dive into a perpetual state of worry. But I just had to vent to someone, confess all my ugly thoughts and fears.

This is where Carly came in. I actually met Carly at Andy's ex-wife's birthday party a few months ago. Carly is friends with both Andy and his ex-wife. I should mention there's no animosity whatsoever between the ex-wife and me. In fact I like her, but not enough to confide in her. Carly, on the other hand, extended herself to me right from the start. She was sweeter than sweet, and we both have a deep interest in spiritual things and the metaphysical.

So I called on Carly to be my friend. We met out at a restaurant on a Saturday afternoon. She had a salad. I had zucchini bread, a coffee and the pep talk that I desperately needed. I told her how dismal my outlook had become, and how I feared I'd have to move back east if I didn't get a job by May. I also shared with her that I couldn't complain any more to Andy because he just couldn't handle it.

Carly let me blather on, but it didn't take long. Just saying it out loud once was a big relief. She was so empathetic and responsive. Her concern for me was genuine. She didn't try to wash it over with an "oh, everything's going to be fine". Instead she gave me inspiration to simply ask the higher powers to show me opportunities and to give me everything I need to recognize them, go after them, and achieve them. Her enthusiasm and belief were contagious. I became as animated and excited as she was about what was about to happen for me.

She might as well have dropped some magic powder in my coffee, but that visit with Carly was like a drug. She was definitely God-sent. And I was grateful for her understanding, her guidance and her inspiration. I left there feeling like a million bucks. But looking back, that was only the beginning!

to be continued...

best friends

Rob and I hung out last night. We opened a bottle of wine, sat on my couch and talked. Time can sure fly when we do that sort of thing. It's good to talk to Rob. We cover lots of territory and I'm to the point where I can pretty much talk about anything with him, except detail on Andy, of course. But that's out of respect.

Rob asks some pretty provocative questions and gets me thinking. He is the inner voice of reason at all times. Which is good, if reason is what you're looking for. It's hard for him to understand that I might not always be looking for reason, or the other fine qualities he possesses. He still can't quite comprehend why I would have given up such a great love as ours (and chosen Andy).

If he could have witnessed Andy and me on that first day/night together, he would know. If he could have seen how I was moved by Andy's total abandon, his confession of love, and willingness to put his heart on the line once again with no guarantees. It was that, and Andy's brilliance with words, that won me over. I'd been looking for someone to inspire me towards a new level of growth, and Andy was the one. I admire so many things about him.

But those are things I can't tell Rob because they'd just be too damn painful to hear. He's better left wondering. Don't you think? So now Rob continues to ponder the what if's while I have completely accepted the fact that it wasn't ever quite right for a reason. Let's not think about fixing it.

I have moved on to life with Andy. I still have love for Rob, but not desire. I still crave time with him, more for the conversation of a good friend and because he knows me so well, is familiar with my history and is the perfect person to bounce ideas off of. His hugs are still great. And I choose not to think about his physical attributes for fear that I might remember them all too well.

Rob is starting to date again. He hasn't found anyone quite as wonderful as me yet (his words), but he's in a good place emotionally. He's not pining over me and we can still hang out and be friends without jeopardizing my new relationship. Best friends, in fact.

a golden night

The party lived up to its fancy invitation, a square-shaped gold card encased in a transparent envelope also flecked with gold. CooOool...it prompted a quick rsvp from me.

I immediately thought of inviting an old best friend, Wendy, who I used to work with and was a great mentor to me. She lived in a town very near the party location. This would be a great excuse to finally get together after 2 years of drifting into our separate, busy lives.

We met on a nearby dead end street just before so that we could walk in together. We exchanged hugs, headed into the party while launching straight into marathon conversation about the happenings in our lives. Yakkity yak like there's no tomorrow...meanwhile we're in awe at the beauty of this estate where the party is being held.

Impeccably maintained, this mansion is a masterpiece inside, with winding staircases, gorgeous woodwork and inlaid wood floors, chandeliers, fancy furniture and stained glass curved windows...wow. All this set on who knows how many acres of manicured grounds, AND perfectly situated on the edge of the lake. And I musn't forget the food stations and free-pouring cab merlot. This was my kind of partay!

Too bad Wendy and I were absorbed in our own little world. We reminisced about our escapades working and behaving badly together. Of course we talked about our kids and the men in my life (not hers, she's still with her hubby). She asked all about Andy, plus I filled her in on Rob. She respected my confusion and never once tried to tell me what I should do.

Perhaps the best morsel I took away from this magical evening (besides a most delicious cupcake) was hope for finding a better work situation. She had reminded me of the way it felt when we'd worked together, when I worked for someone I respected and admired--someone who had knowledge and was willing to share it, to be appreciated and valued, and working together to accomplish great things, and to celebrate them together by closing the office early on a Friday afternoon and sharing a bottle of red wine.

I felt uplifted out of my recent career slump. Wendy had paid me compliments about how great I was at my job and assured me I would be able to find better job where I was appreciated, because employers need good people like me. She gave me something to aim for in my career. Perhaps I'll have the energy to start working on my resume again!

tune of the month - heaven stood still

I'm not sure I've ever heard a more beautiful song. Andy posted this song as a tribute to Willy DeVille who died suddenly last week. Andy, artist of words, has once more brought my attention to something that leaves me breathless.

4 days later

...and I'm still filled with inspiration. I feel like God's sent a message loud and clear.

Monday morning I was overcome with emotion in the shower. Ideas were bursting forth, beautiful ideas for this creative collaboration that Andy and I agreed to. The tears came and I welcomed them. A powerful energy seemed to come over me which I gladly embraced. Things like this don't happen in the absence of God.

I wasn't completely clear what the divine message was. I knew it wanted me to follow the energy. But which energy? My own creative energy? Andy's? Our combined energy? I wonder how much of this feeling has to do with who he is, what he does, or how he feels about me. Is this about me or is it about us? Or none of the above?

perfect day

If a picture paints a thousand words, then imagine what a video can do, with music sung by some of the greatest artists of our time.

Andy posted this video to his wall just this morning, after spending the day with me yesterday. I felt so honored. It couldn't have captured the day any better. What's uncanny is that we pretty much did everything in the song except feed the animals at the zoo. And when we went home, we went to our separate homes.

Then again, the song didn't include some of the other things, like how he recited his books to me as we sat on the steps by the lake, and I cried. Or the bottle of shiraz/cabernet we drank on those same steps, overlooking the water that was as still as black glass. Or the kisses.

There was a lot of laughter, total honesty, some apologies, some confessions, an invitation to Paris, much silliness, and no words left unsaid.

I asked Andy if we could create something together. No, not a baby. I want to collaborate on a project. Of course he said. We haven't quite figured out how to do that yet. It's a little hard to paint together when we're thousands of miles apart. However...

I think I've provided just a bit of inspiration for his next round of paintings. But the real question now is will I reap what I've sown?

countdown to Andy

Well, my artist friend from LA (I'll call him Andy) is back in our hometown and tomorrow's the day I'll be seeing him. I realized last night that it has been 29 years (almost to the day) since we met. Until we reconnected on Facebook about 2 months ago, I hadn't a clue about where he went or what he was doing. In fact, he rarely crossed my mind.

But since then, since seeing his artwork, I have become intrigued. He has a way with words (in his art) that moves me. And you know how I feel about that. It's the essence of joy, this being moved thing.

He announced he'd be visiting his family back home in late July and I jumped on board asking if we could get together. Since then I've been trying to remember my time with Andy, but with little success. There were a few funny details lingering in the cobwebs of my brain, but I couldn't access much more than that.

My memory is not one of my better assets, so I was damn thankful that I had my diaries to reference. (I have diaries documenting every day of my life from 1978 to 2001. I gave it up finally because I decided I had become compulsive about keeping it and it really felt like a chore more than a choice.)

Anyway, as I leafed through the pages of 1980, I found my writings about Andy. We had dated in August 1980. It had lasted only about 4 weeks, and I was a very immature 17. I fell in love fast, and it fizzled out fast. For the record, I ended up dumping him at a bar one night because Cam had shown up there and given me that look I couldn't resist. I hurt Andy, and I'm not proud of it.

So I sit here tonight excited about seeing him. We talked 2 nights ago and made our plans to meet at an art gallery. He is just as excited about seeing me, and my sister is convinced that he's going to try to make a move on me. This may get tricky. He is a flirt, and so am I. I admit I am curious if he's still a good kisser. But I don't want to lose Rob over a fleeting temptation. So I am determined to do the right thing. Which doesn't rule out a kiss ;)

What I really want out of this is inspiration. I want to learn something about Andy/his work/his life/his inspiration that I can take away and use in my life to bring me joy. I don't know what that is yet, but when I find out I'll let you know. Wish me luck.