getting the groove back - with a friend

The decision to volunteer should have been a no-brainer. During previous low points in my life I found that giving of myself was the key to feeling good again. Why do I forget these things? I suspect I'd save a lot of time and misery if my memory was better.

I was in dire need of someone to lean on. I'd been trying hard not to unload too much of my own worries on Andy for fear he'd freak out. I felt he was at his limit for my frustration and if I told him how I honestly felt, he'd dive into a perpetual state of worry. But I just had to vent to someone, confess all my ugly thoughts and fears.

This is where Carly came in. I actually met Carly at Andy's ex-wife's birthday party a few months ago. Carly is friends with both Andy and his ex-wife. I should mention there's no animosity whatsoever between the ex-wife and me. In fact I like her, but not enough to confide in her. Carly, on the other hand, extended herself to me right from the start. She was sweeter than sweet, and we both have a deep interest in spiritual things and the metaphysical.

So I called on Carly to be my friend. We met out at a restaurant on a Saturday afternoon. She had a salad. I had zucchini bread, a coffee and the pep talk that I desperately needed. I told her how dismal my outlook had become, and how I feared I'd have to move back east if I didn't get a job by May. I also shared with her that I couldn't complain any more to Andy because he just couldn't handle it.

Carly let me blather on, but it didn't take long. Just saying it out loud once was a big relief. She was so empathetic and responsive. Her concern for me was genuine. She didn't try to wash it over with an "oh, everything's going to be fine". Instead she gave me inspiration to simply ask the higher powers to show me opportunities and to give me everything I need to recognize them, go after them, and achieve them. Her enthusiasm and belief were contagious. I became as animated and excited as she was about what was about to happen for me.

She might as well have dropped some magic powder in my coffee, but that visit with Carly was like a drug. She was definitely God-sent. And I was grateful for her understanding, her guidance and her inspiration. I left there feeling like a million bucks. But looking back, that was only the beginning!

to be continued...

up, down, off, on

I feel like Rob and I are living on a perpetual seesaw. When I'm really up about him, he seems flat. Then when I (disappointedly) come down from my high, he goes up. We never seem to be on the same level in this relationship. I am frustrated.

Rob is now starting to hint at living together. This comes about 3 months after I needed to hear something like this, back when I needed hope, not reasons why it wasn't the right time, or reminders of let's not get head of ourselves.

Mentally, I've moved away from that plan. Frankly, the dream died awhile ago. I wasn't feeling a level of excitement from him that was anywhere near mine. I'm onto bigger thoughts, new dreams and less dependence on his love for me, which is kind of what he suggested months ago when he asked why it mattered how much he loved me (when what should really matter was how much I love him). He had a point. But so did I.

This summer I have found fulfillment in friends and family. I've spent less time with Rob than ever before, except for sleeping together. I've gone back to my hometown every weekend except one this summer, and have had amazing fun with family and friends. Rob came with me once.

I have broken out of the small town bubble I've been hibernating in the last few years. Starting to feel more in touch with the world and branching out into new things and people, which has been intensely satisfying.

I don't know where this leaves my relationship with Rob. He's done me no wrong. He most certainly is still my comfort, my friend and my lover. But he's not a life partner. My life partner will have an excitement for a future with me--not a blind faith, but strong faith in our love, instead of finding all the obstacles and issues that prevent us from being together.

I want to be ONE with my partner.

what i did on my vacation

Looking back on my week off, I had a super fantastic time:

• sleeping in a few days
• getting up early, but excited to be going somewhere that I wanted to go
• hiking with my dog
• shopping with Christie and feeling appreciated for buying her things that she did not expect
• buying myself a new Nine West purse
• leisurely painting my Adirondack chair a happy shade of yellow
• admiring my garden from the charming yellow chair on my front porch
• sleeping with my lover every single night (he didn't snore!!)
• bumping into a friend I hadn't seen in 30 years and getting a giant bear hug
• eating steak by candlelight with 2 of my photo shoot friends
• travelling to a sleepy town, a bustling metropolis and a conservation area all in one week
• pushing my boundaries by going tubing for the first time
• not watching tv at all
• not thinking about work
• hanging out with my sister, laughing
• working on my tan

Life is good...especially on vacation.

why can't all days be like this?

Did you ever have one of those days where things start great and just keep getting better? Yesterday I had one of those days.

I woke up feeling unusually well-rested (I'd slept alone so I didn't have the usual sore neck nor was I sleep deprived from Rob's snoring). The foggy morning was breaking way to sunshine and so I took the scenic route through the hills to work. I didn't care if I was late.

Not long after I got to work did a new calendar appear on my desk--my favorite kind--the little ones that stand on your desk and the pages flip over. It may sound trivial to you, but I am heavily dependent on this calendar to keep my life and work straight. I'd been fretting about "life after June 30th" as if my life would end with the calendar page. And then it appeared--my new lease on life.

I know, even I admit I am strange when a calendar makes me happy.

But it was that kind of day. Maybe my stars were aligned. Things went well at work. I made a lot of phone calls that paid off, you could say. And at the end of the day I had arranged to meet my photographer friend and his girlfriend for a drink. They were in town visiting, staying near where I work.

We met on a gorgeous patio overlooking the waterfront. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. Sunny and warm, but not too hot to sit in the sun and DRINK for an hour or so. As usual, our mutual energy was in tune. We had great conversation, lots of laughs, and while he drank martinis, and his chick drank chick-drinks, I had a sultry glass of one of my favorite wines, baco noir.

As I was driving in home in a slight haze, big smile on my face and feeling absolutely high on life, I realized that I always feel really good after talking to this photographer friend, or being in his company. Some people just rub you the right way. It's one of the magical gifts of life. I thank him for being my friend.