WANTED: Joy (Part II)

What is my joy, where are all the things that fed me and fuelled my passion for living and loving? I need to get in touch with these things again. My life depends on it. Let’s rewind and see what we can find.

I seem to remember the joy that my sex life used to produce. Hours of intense lovemaking led to not only physical pleasure, but emotional bonding, even on a spiritual level. I felt God’s presence regularly in the bedroom. So why can’t I have that now? Because God needs more than 20 minutes’ notice? Because two are more powerful than one in the spiritual arena and right now I’m the only one thinking beyond sex as pleasure?

Music is another thing that used to make me feel alive and really charged inside. Since I moved in with Andy I’ve put my musical tastes second to his as music is so much more a part of his daily life than it was mine. Maybe that was a mistake, even though I like most of his music. Last night I escaped to the bedroom where my stereo lives. I closed the door and sunk into total bliss as I listened the entire Grace CD by Jeff Buckley (one of my favourites). My mind had been craving something that complex, intense and beautiful. I loved being surrounded, totally enveloped by it. It reminded me of who I am. It reminded me of Cam. Most of all it reminded me how music moves me.

Being in the presence of great people used to excite me. When Andy is working a show he becomes a personality that is totally attractive and inspiring to me. I am trying to find that spark in him while he is living the other more normal parts of life, but I haven’t found enough of it to satisfy me yet. Still I miss the other great people I used to get to be with. Distance now separates me from most of them, and technology doesn’t quite close the gap. People don’t always take the time to keep in touch. And when they do I can’t look them in the eye, share a drink with them, or feel their hearts when we hug. There is a face-to-face energy that I really crave.

Creativity…there’s another possibility. Should I start drawing again? I’ve heard myself say I’d do that over the years and still haven’t. I had talent. I wonder if I still do, and if it would feel good to draw again? Then there’s the writing thing. Not feeling as confident about that. I feel I used to be much better at writing a few years ago than I am today. Today I mostly use writing as therapy. If it gets good, it does, but I can’t get caught up in that. My limited audience will have to endure my creative block.

I love the endorphin rush of a good workout. So I've started working out twice a week instead of once. Good for the heart, the mind, and I like my thighs a lot better too. I'll keep this up as long as I can.

My passion for living and loving feels just out of reach. I know it's something I can have again, I just have to find my way back to it. So, what's stopping me? I really can't look to anyone but myself, can I? Maybe it's time to take a serious look at myself and what I've created. How has my reality deviated so far from the dream?

dinamo set free

I've had an epiphany. Drinking is good for me! Last night I had the most fun I've had by myself in like...forever!

Celebrating the fact that it was Friday after having worked 11 days straight, I bought a bottle of one of my favorite reds on my way home. When Andy unexpectedly got tix to a concert tonight and I realized he wouldn't be skyping me, I decided to have a concert of my own.

I thought I'd get into my jammies, open the wine (I love that 'glug, glug, glug' sound when you first pour!), and pop in an Elton John Dream Ticket dvd, all in the peaceful surroundings of my bedroom. And that's what I did.

But it wasn't peaceful for long. Before you know it I was hoppin and boppin to the crocodile rock. OK, so I was really feelin the music. You know how they say dance like no one's watchin? Well, no one was watching, so I really let loose. And then I turned the volume up and thought I might as well go all the way in this private party of mine and sing too. Hell, I grew up listening to Elton John, so I know practically every word.

I do not recall being in such a good mood as I was last night. Plus I got quite a workout and had lots of creative ideas. I'm thinking this wine thing is a positive influence on me. I should do it more often.

I felt more confident, sharper, alive, and definitely happy. It's like the alcohol allowed me to tap into a lot of good stuff that's been hiding beneath the surface. It created a newer, better version of me. And I think I like me better that way!

4 days later

...and I'm still filled with inspiration. I feel like God's sent a message loud and clear.

Monday morning I was overcome with emotion in the shower. Ideas were bursting forth, beautiful ideas for this creative collaboration that Andy and I agreed to. The tears came and I welcomed them. A powerful energy seemed to come over me which I gladly embraced. Things like this don't happen in the absence of God.

I wasn't completely clear what the divine message was. I knew it wanted me to follow the energy. But which energy? My own creative energy? Andy's? Our combined energy? I wonder how much of this feeling has to do with who he is, what he does, or how he feels about me. Is this about me or is it about us? Or none of the above?