finding dinamo

I feel like I've been AWOL. I've been placed in a foreign land (by my own choosing, I know, I know). Most of what felt like me has been left behind and I am faced with the task of reinventing my life in this new world.

I have good days and bad days. They usually alternate. This is different for me--I don't recall having so many days where I felt unsure of myself, sad, even isolated. But I am patient with myself as I kind of predicted that this could happen. Big transitions take time. It's like I am swimming, treading water, meanwhile reminding myself how beautiful the scenery is. I ordered this. For sure it is work, taking my energy and focus, yet I turn my attention to the positives on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.

Although I am getting used to a lot of my surroundings, most of the time I still feel like an outsider. Will I ever feel like an Angeleno?

One little discovery which I now celebrate on a regular basis is the art of finding myself through drinking. Andy took me to a hipster bar he really likes and it turns out I like it too. Their whiskey pour is extremely generous...to the point where I cannot finish the whole glass and walk out of there. But I also feel like I fit there. It's dark and full of billowy fabrics and leather couches and the music is pretty eclectic and not blaring. It promotes conversation unlike most bars I've been in.

When I drink I start to feel alive again. I feel like it's safe to come out. The protective walls that I have built up around me are no longer needed. I feel sharper, prettier, more confident and basically, like I am frigging enjoying life like I am supposed to. There's a surge inside of me that reassures me YES, I CAN DO THIS. HOW GREAT IS THIS??!!

So I am suddenly a million bucks. I react to Andy in a better way. Admiring him again I give myself more freely, I think more about our future together. And I remember the dream more clearly. The clouds had been darkening the dream, but the alcohol seems to bring it back to me where it can remind me why I am here and give me the strength to move forward.

I need to have more fun and less fear. If alcohol helps me do that, then I'm all for it...in reasonable amounts, of course.

the joy of giving

When you're sorting through your shit preparing to move, you have to seriously consider what's worth paying $1/lb to ship across the country.

Although I scored a small fortune on the sale of my house I'm still frugal at heart. But I'm not frugal with my heart. Oddly enough this shipping dilemma has led to a new kind of joy. The joy of giving.

There are certain things I own that have great sentimental value, but seriously, I knew they would not belong in my new life or our new apartment. I did not want to sell these things to strangers or donate them to Goodwill. I wanted to choose a new home for them.

My rocking chair was hard to part with. This was the chair I sat in endless hours as I nursed Christie as a baby. It squeaked a lot and it wasn't very pretty, but it holds such sweet memories. Like the dents left in the side of Christie's little head, caused by the wooden arms her head rested against as I cradled and breastfed her. She was so in her glory nursing, that she ignored the pain on her head and was left with little indents after her feeding. And in that chair I used to sing Elton John songs to her until she fell asleep. Daniel was her favorite.

It was hard to let that rocker go, but one of my friends has a niece who just had a baby. They don't have a lot of money, so I thought this would help. Plus I wanted to give it to someone I knew or someone I had even a distant trail to. Dunno, makes me feel better.

Then there was a piece of art I purchased when I moved into my house 4 years ago. Nymph of the River by Frederic Leighton. A demure young nymph stands at the edge of a river curious, about to dip her toes into the water. I loved this print and it hung across from my bed for the last 4 years. To me it symbolized my newly rediscovered sexuality. I embraced all it stood for and it watched over me as I became a sex goddess again, or so I was told.

Although I still love the piece, it would have been a real misfit among Andy's art collection in our new apartment. I also felt it would be a source of inspiration to my friend Annie who is standing at the same crossroads I was at 5 years ago. She's teetering on the edge of freedom with a renewed passion for living. I fully support her and to give her this print was a symbol of my friendship, love and support.

The real joy was in the fact that she loved it and understood my intent completely. The nymph has found a new home. I feel good and soon Annie will too.

in the catbird seat

Things are happening! I'm in a really good place right now. The most recent stress of my online course is coming to an end, plus I'll be acing the course which also makes me happy pappy. Yesterday I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping. My divorce is well underway--I should be able to file all the paperwork with the court late next week AND my ex has agreed to pay for it. Andy is recovering nicely from the trauma of his mugging last week. He got a lead on a great building with a bunch of 2 bedroom apartments available...in our price range and in a great location at the base of the Hollywood Hills. And I made contact this week with 3 possible schools for Christie and already have 2 appointments set to meet with counselors when I go there in January. I love when my hard work pays off.

:P !!!

jumping, falling, catching

I look back on the trip to LA and feel like part of me is still there. As I posted earlier, I didn't quite know what would transpire between Andy and me this time. But something sure did, in a big way. Our relationship has definitely reached new ground.

Sure, the vacation endorphins had kicked in, the location was romantic, plus I was ovulating, so I was in an overall heightened state. But it was more about Andy. It was as if he took this opportunity to lay it all on the table. No more pussy footin' around, being politely patient and taking time to get to know each other.

Andy was more open and expressive than ever before. I found he would look into my eyes and tell me how much he loved me, and say stuff about our future together. He was as attentive to me in public as he was when we were alone. He wondered out loud what our baby's nose would look like, then I had to remind him that we could only dream about that, and we wouldn't be making one.

On the 2nd night we shared a glass of wine on the bench out front of his building. The sun had set and it was cool, so I sat close with his arm around me. He took my hand in his, looked me in the eyes and said If you jump, I will catch you.

He said so many other things that showed he truly believes in us. He dreams big, and when I join in, our dreams become very powerful. I feel there's nothing we can't do or have. I am so caught in the wave of hope and happiness that I can think of nothing else.

Ever since I came home I have had such clarity of thought. I feel what it would be like to live with Andy (and Christie) in LA. I want it very much. I see a whole plan ahead of me and I can break down into a million steps all the things I need to do to get there. Work feels less important and I no longer feel as stressed about my job or boss. I feel like I will be gone from there soon.

Also, since being back I have seen Rob a couple times, only to fill him in on the seriousness of my relationship with Andy. Much to his disappointment, I cannot be intimate with him anymore. I feel like I am in a committed relationship. And I like how that feels. I feel no guilt, I feel no sadness. This feels right.

It`s important to me now to stay on track, and to focus on the goal. Seeing Rob would distract me and I don`t want anything to interrupt this wonderful momentum. I have to believe as strongly as Andy does that this is ours. Because I want to be brave enough to jump.

dinamo meets the ocean

Today in Santa Monica the ocean air is fresh, my toes are burned, my heart is full.

Jonny obsessed

Three months ago I heard that Jonny Lang would be coming to town. I decided I would take my daughter Christie, 15, who is totally Jonas-obsessed. It's not that I wanted to break her of this habit, I just wanted to introduce her to some reeeeeaaaaal guitar. It's what any good mom who grew up on rock n roll would do. And should do! ;)

Jonny has been top of mind over the last 10 years whenever people ask me who my favorite musician is. Not that I'm crazy about his gospel stuff, but his early stuff is just friggin incredible. And to think he was capable of such musical genius from age 15 blows my mind. Plus he's so sweet. A face any mother could love (you don't buy that for a minute, do you).

The closer the concert date came I thought Christie would invent excuses why she couldn't go with me. But much to my surprise she didn't. It'll be a good mother daughter bonding experience she said, half joking. But of course we'd have to listen to Jonas Brothers all the way there.

So we finally got to see Jonny play. And we had the time of our lives. I think it tops my list for fun times so far this year!

It was priceless to see Christie's face when I grabbed her arm and proceeded to plow to the front of the crowd to get close to Jonny. We stood just right of stage in front of the wall of speakers (ouch) and could literally feel the bass blowing the hairs of my arm. But what I really loved was that she was close enough to see and feel Jonny's passion as he played. She turned to me and said OMG he's so good. He's like, better than Nick Jonas!

By the end of the concert Christie was in love. (Insert proud mama smile here.) As the band left the stage we decided to intercept them on their way back to the bus. I darted about 6' over to the barrier and waited for Jonny to approach...then, in slow mo, just like a dream, the stars in the rock n roll universe aligned and my hand met jonny's firm right shoulder. He had a beaming smile on his face and I just shouted Jonny you were great! It was a pretty exciting wet-your-panties kind of moment but I managed to stay dry.

I turned around to look for Christie who'd lost track of me when I got lost in my Jonny moment. She's like Mom, where did you go?!?! And I heard myself say I TOUCHED HIM.

I eventually got a hold of myself. But even on the drive home I'd suddenly remember the moment of contact and it would hit me all over again. Did I mention that Christie wanted to listen to Jonny Lang all the way home?

I done good tonight. C:

dinamo set free

I've had an epiphany. Drinking is good for me! Last night I had the most fun I've had by myself in like...forever!

Celebrating the fact that it was Friday after having worked 11 days straight, I bought a bottle of one of my favorite reds on my way home. When Andy unexpectedly got tix to a concert tonight and I realized he wouldn't be skyping me, I decided to have a concert of my own.

I thought I'd get into my jammies, open the wine (I love that 'glug, glug, glug' sound when you first pour!), and pop in an Elton John Dream Ticket dvd, all in the peaceful surroundings of my bedroom. And that's what I did.

But it wasn't peaceful for long. Before you know it I was hoppin and boppin to the crocodile rock. OK, so I was really feelin the music. You know how they say dance like no one's watchin? Well, no one was watching, so I really let loose. And then I turned the volume up and thought I might as well go all the way in this private party of mine and sing too. Hell, I grew up listening to Elton John, so I know practically every word.

I do not recall being in such a good mood as I was last night. Plus I got quite a workout and had lots of creative ideas. I'm thinking this wine thing is a positive influence on me. I should do it more often.

I felt more confident, sharper, alive, and definitely happy. It's like the alcohol allowed me to tap into a lot of good stuff that's been hiding beneath the surface. It created a newer, better version of me. And I think I like me better that way!

best day ever with dad

I made my bi-weekly trek to my hometown to visit Dad who's been in the hospital since July. Last time I saw him he expressed interest in learning how to use a computer (it's true, he's never even touched a computer).

So I took along my laptop...along with 3 of his favorite baseball caps, the Sunday paper and a package of fig newtons. Dad was finishing his lunch in the common room, and I pulled up a chair beside him. He was in a great mood. I'm not sure I ever heard him with so much to say that was relevant. Some of the anti-anxiety drugs he'd been on over the years made him babble endlessly--usually about his knee problems. UGH.

Today he seemed to be enjoying the lighter side of life. He even made some jokes that were pretty clever, so I expect the medication he's on is working. I was not only relieved, but entertained. We talked for over half an hour before I even pulled out the laptop.

It was funny. He stared at it awhile, almost in admiration. Maybe out of respect because it was not his own. He is a real camera buff and probably didn't appreciate other people handling his camera without asking first. So I invited him to touch it. I had to really think about how to explain the very basic basics about computers. I didn't want to make him feel stupid or quell his interest with too much information.

I opened up Word and hammered out a sentence. I showed him how easy it was to change the copy (which he heard as "coffee" at first--ha!) He did a little maneuvering of his own on the keyboard and seemed completely in awe. It was pretty exciting to see it through his eyes. I felt his joy.

He was especially inspired seeing photos on my screen. The resolution is so crisp and the colors so vivid, not to mention all the options for making imperfect photos perfect. Being an amateur photographer himself, he started to realize the possibilities for himself.

We really connected on this visit. I shared something of huge value to him, and I felt that. I felt his appreciation and realized the potential impact that my visit had on the rest of his life. It gave him something real to look forward to, determination to learn, and a way to access the rest of the world if it turns out he can never walk again...which likely won't happen considering that he's planning on having knee replacements.

I made my dad very happy and I can't describe how good it made me feel. It reached something way down deep in me as if it filled a previously unreachable spot in my heart.

totally wacked out Jonas freak sweetie pie

In one word, Christie.

I am thoroughly delighted by my 14 year old daughter's obsession with the Jonas Brothers. Christie is an emotionally stable, beautiful, smart and outgoing high school girl, so this is merely the icing on the cake of her life. She would beg to differ, of course. To her, the Jonas Bros are everything, not to mention her reason for living.

I can't say I have ever been so insanely crazy about a famous person(s) as she is, but I can really appreciate the benefits of it. It truly brings her joy. All I have to do is say Jonas and she lights up.

She loves their music and I don't mind it at all...though she wishes I would not sing along. If I had a dime for every time the word Jonas has been spoken in my house I would be one wealthy chick.

Last Friday I told her that the boys of her dreams had stayed at a hotel near us. She screamed and laughed and cried and carried on for over half an hour in such an excited LOUD tone I had to tell her to calm down because the neighbors would get scared. Then finally she took a breath and said wow, I scare myself. To which I laughed, but what else is new when I live with such an entertainer as Christie.

She is determined to meet them someday and actually feels it will happen soon. I wholeheartedly support this dream as I know from experience that it is a real possibility. Especially when you want something that much, the intense emotion draws it towards you.

Christie fills my life with joy and I would love to fill hers with a little more Jonas if that's what makes her happy. I'll certainly do what I can to bring on the Jonas.