jumping, falling, catching

I look back on the trip to LA and feel like part of me is still there. As I posted earlier, I didn't quite know what would transpire between Andy and me this time. But something sure did, in a big way. Our relationship has definitely reached new ground.

Sure, the vacation endorphins had kicked in, the location was romantic, plus I was ovulating, so I was in an overall heightened state. But it was more about Andy. It was as if he took this opportunity to lay it all on the table. No more pussy footin' around, being politely patient and taking time to get to know each other.

Andy was more open and expressive than ever before. I found he would look into my eyes and tell me how much he loved me, and say stuff about our future together. He was as attentive to me in public as he was when we were alone. He wondered out loud what our baby's nose would look like, then I had to remind him that we could only dream about that, and we wouldn't be making one.

On the 2nd night we shared a glass of wine on the bench out front of his building. The sun had set and it was cool, so I sat close with his arm around me. He took my hand in his, looked me in the eyes and said If you jump, I will catch you.

He said so many other things that showed he truly believes in us. He dreams big, and when I join in, our dreams become very powerful. I feel there's nothing we can't do or have. I am so caught in the wave of hope and happiness that I can think of nothing else.

Ever since I came home I have had such clarity of thought. I feel what it would be like to live with Andy (and Christie) in LA. I want it very much. I see a whole plan ahead of me and I can break down into a million steps all the things I need to do to get there. Work feels less important and I no longer feel as stressed about my job or boss. I feel like I will be gone from there soon.

Also, since being back I have seen Rob a couple times, only to fill him in on the seriousness of my relationship with Andy. Much to his disappointment, I cannot be intimate with him anymore. I feel like I am in a committed relationship. And I like how that feels. I feel no guilt, I feel no sadness. This feels right.

It`s important to me now to stay on track, and to focus on the goal. Seeing Rob would distract me and I don`t want anything to interrupt this wonderful momentum. I have to believe as strongly as Andy does that this is ours. Because I want to be brave enough to jump.

parisian dreams

Andy sends me an email every single night with a pic attached. Because he's in a time zone 3 hours behind me, I don't see the email till morning. But it's the first one I open when I get to work. Hell, it's a reason to look forward to going to work!

One recent morning he sent me these. He always talks about wanting to live in Paris someday...with me. I've never argued with the idea, but I clearly didn't feel it the same as he did. These pictures actually captured my heart.

I was instantly transported to that spot. Andy was standing behind me, his arms around my waist, as we looked out onto the morning sunrise. I felt his breath on the back of my neck, I smelled the coffee brewing in the next room, I felt his happiness because I was a part of his dream come true.

What would this new day bring? Would we wander down to the flea market in the center of town and rifle through the treasures? Stroll along the Seine like a couple of young lovers? Waste away hours sipping coffee and people watching at an outdoor cafe? All 3?

2 valentines, 1 day

I guess you could say I'm very lucky. Lucky to have two men that are head over heels in love with me. Unlike the majority of middle-aged single women, I no longer believe that good men are hard to find. (But I do still believe that hard men are always good to find!)

I chose to spend this Valentine's Day with Andy. We hadn't talked or seen each other all day yesterday, so we decided to connect today...on Skype. Not that we had anything special planned. Just the usual hanging out and talking about our present, our past, and quite a bit about our future. It was exciting.

About 6 hours and 4 dropped connections later, we hung up. But it had been very fulfilling in that our relationship progressed and we were looking ahead in a more serious way. During all this, Rob had called hoping to see me, but I told him that I was "getting a lot of stuff done". Afterwards, I felt bad. I had gone to Rob's last night, totally exhausted and not in the mood. He spent the evening holding me and taking care of my needs while I promptly delivered nothing in return.

I called Rob back and apologized. I've been really tired lately because of work, but also I've been struggling with my attraction to him. After having some time alone to think, I realized that I have not been in the mood lately because I've kind of stuffed my feelings towards him. Well, duh. I've been spending hours each day Skyping with Andy.

The phone call with Rob was filled with emotion and I realized that he and I haven't talked in depth about my feelings since Andy's visit. We declared that we needed to hash all that out. He went to bed sad. When I went to bed, I lay there thinking of how he must feel. I suddenly felt an urge to be close to him, to give instead of receive. I made a run for it...

I drove around the corner to Rob's house, let myself in to his house, and crawled into bed with him. It made me feel wonderful. My emotion bubbled over and I cried while I held him. I wanted to make love and we did, naturally and beautifully. I spent the night which is something I haven't done at his house in almost a year. I felt good to be able to give him myself and my love.