how dinamo got her groove back - step 1

One day last week I decided I needed some serious help to dig me out of the goddamn rut I've been in for the past few months. I turned to Andy's set of Oblique Strategies cards. I felt I had little to lose and a lot to gain. After all, Andy began his career in art based on the card he drew 20 years ago. I opened the box and chose one from about 2/3 the way down the deck.

Abandon normal instruments it said.

I stepped back. O...k...how do I interpret this? First thing that popped into my mind was stop doing what you've been doing (to try to find a job). I felt a huge sense of relief that I didn't have to force myself to go through that wretched process anymore.

I spent the next couple days purposely not looking for a job. Instead I decided to seek something I could do immediately to make me feel good. After finishing a shot of whiskey I set out to volunteer. This would be ideal for changing my whole state of mind which had gotten pretty ugly...certainly too ugly to attract my dream job.

I knew in a volunteer situation no one would reject me. I'd be helping someone else, fill hours of my time, plus it would get me out of the apartment and allow me to feel like a productive and valuable human being again. That was it! That was how I was going to turn things around!

The lucky beneficiaries of my time and dedication will be homeless animals. To be able to help out at a local shelter I do have to study some material and pass a test, along with some training. But I'm good with all that. I love having a goal and a purpose. And who doesn't love the doggies? Christie and I are both going to volunteer. She needs community hours for school, and I need my sanity back.

I realize I can't run from the job hunt indefinitely. But steeping in a brew of anger, frustration and worthlessness was getting me nowhere real fast. I should have known I needed to correct the thinking, but I couldn't seem to do it myself. Oblique Strategies helped, but so did some other things...

(to be continued)

let there be light

I've had great difficulty finding any good news to write about lately. I seem to have a lot of challenges in my life right now and I don't want to get all whiny on my blog. So, I've been kind of quiet.

But it's probably these times when I need to write the most. Soon I will touch on a couple challenges I've recently conquered, but for now I'll share with you something that's clearly positive...work! (yeah, haven't been able to say that in a while)

After almost 6 years having an office on 'the lower level' (aka the basement), my office has been moved to the ground floor of another building. Not only that, but finally I am sharing with the person I work most closely with. AND we have a beautiful corner office with large windows on 2 sides that overlook a green area, along with high ceilings, fresh paint and carpet. I feel like I've moved to paradise. Oh, correction, this is not quite paradise.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying it.This is our first week in the new office and we both feel a huge change in our disposition. Cannot get over how much light we have! We barely need the fluorescent overheads. I've had to shut my blinds tight because the sunshine was practically blinding me. I thought how cool would it be if I had to wear my sunglasses at work?! This after years of having no clue what the weather was from the moment I went in the office at 8:15 till I came out at 5. Some winter days I never even saw daylight. How grim is that?!

The new surroundings will be a fab way to endure the last few months at this job. Also I had my annual review. Basically my boss said that there is no room for improvement in my current position; I am at the top of my game. She encouraged me to learn SEO and Google adword buying, and if I do, and if I like it, then she will promote me to a management position. That was encouraging, and long overdue. Great news. But I'm still moving to California!

dinamo set free

I've had an epiphany. Drinking is good for me! Last night I had the most fun I've had by myself in like...forever!

Celebrating the fact that it was Friday after having worked 11 days straight, I bought a bottle of one of my favorite reds on my way home. When Andy unexpectedly got tix to a concert tonight and I realized he wouldn't be skyping me, I decided to have a concert of my own.

I thought I'd get into my jammies, open the wine (I love that 'glug, glug, glug' sound when you first pour!), and pop in an Elton John Dream Ticket dvd, all in the peaceful surroundings of my bedroom. And that's what I did.

But it wasn't peaceful for long. Before you know it I was hoppin and boppin to the crocodile rock. OK, so I was really feelin the music. You know how they say dance like no one's watchin? Well, no one was watching, so I really let loose. And then I turned the volume up and thought I might as well go all the way in this private party of mine and sing too. Hell, I grew up listening to Elton John, so I know practically every word.

I do not recall being in such a good mood as I was last night. Plus I got quite a workout and had lots of creative ideas. I'm thinking this wine thing is a positive influence on me. I should do it more often.

I felt more confident, sharper, alive, and definitely happy. It's like the alcohol allowed me to tap into a lot of good stuff that's been hiding beneath the surface. It created a newer, better version of me. And I think I like me better that way!

a feel good moment

The best way to feel good about
yourself is to do something good for someone else.

I just had the most heartfelt moment. Coming home from work in the pouring rain I was about to turn onto my street, but had to maneuver around a car that had pulled to the side. I made it up my driveway into my garage when I saw headlights behind me. A little old woman got out of the car and skittered up my driveway. She asked what street this was and how to get to her street.

When I tried to explain the simple directions, she became very confused and started to panic. I felt how scared she must be, disoriented by the dark and glare that the rain caused. I said if she just gave me a moment I would get in my car and lead her to her street. And so I did.

About a mile away, I turned onto her street and pulled to the side. I walked back to her car. She was smiling, relieved. She said this was her house and promptly invited me in for coffee...what a sweetheart. I had to decline as my daughter was waiting for a ride, but I wished her a Merry Christmas and honked a friendly goodbye. She stood in her driveway, in the rain, waving me off.

She had said, "Bless you for years and years for helping me". Little did she know I'd already been blessed. I'm blessed every day of my life, in fact. But driving the mile back home to get my daughter I was overwhelmed with the warm and fuzzies. It was an instant reward. I couldn't wait to share my story with my daughter, and with you.