how dinamo got her groove back - step 1

One day last week I decided I needed some serious help to dig me out of the goddamn rut I've been in for the past few months. I turned to Andy's set of Oblique Strategies cards. I felt I had little to lose and a lot to gain. After all, Andy began his career in art based on the card he drew 20 years ago. I opened the box and chose one from about 2/3 the way down the deck.

Abandon normal instruments it said.

I stepped back. O...k...how do I interpret this? First thing that popped into my mind was stop doing what you've been doing (to try to find a job). I felt a huge sense of relief that I didn't have to force myself to go through that wretched process anymore.

I spent the next couple days purposely not looking for a job. Instead I decided to seek something I could do immediately to make me feel good. After finishing a shot of whiskey I set out to volunteer. This would be ideal for changing my whole state of mind which had gotten pretty ugly...certainly too ugly to attract my dream job.

I knew in a volunteer situation no one would reject me. I'd be helping someone else, fill hours of my time, plus it would get me out of the apartment and allow me to feel like a productive and valuable human being again. That was it! That was how I was going to turn things around!

The lucky beneficiaries of my time and dedication will be homeless animals. To be able to help out at a local shelter I do have to study some material and pass a test, along with some training. But I'm good with all that. I love having a goal and a purpose. And who doesn't love the doggies? Christie and I are both going to volunteer. She needs community hours for school, and I need my sanity back.

I realize I can't run from the job hunt indefinitely. But steeping in a brew of anger, frustration and worthlessness was getting me nowhere real fast. I should have known I needed to correct the thinking, but I couldn't seem to do it myself. Oblique Strategies helped, but so did some other things...

(to be continued)

who am i?

Who have I become? Well, I guess that depends on who you ask. Don't ask me though, cuz I really don't know. I have too much time on my hands, and too little purpose.

As I am a doer, I am finding myself filling my day with follow up phone calls to companies who haven't done what they said they were going to do, educating myself on how to invest in mutual funds (dry, yes, but essential), turning off lights and electronic equipment that other people have left on, and rearranging everyone's dishes in the dishwasher to achieve maximum efficiency in a load.

OMG I need to get back to work! Before my roommates kick me out!

I am trying my damnedest not to judge other people's ability to relax when there are things to be done. I am trying to remember that one of my goals in moving here was to become more laid back and spontaneous. I am certainly drinking more :) and sleeping in more. And I do have sex more often, though more would be even funner!

Basically, I've been off of work for almost 2 months. I love to work (usually). It makes me feel important, it defines me. In the absence of professional me, I've let myself sink back into the housewife and mother role--yecch--which makes me feel kind of used and unrewarded. And frustrated! Just because I can cook and clean doesn't mean I want to take on those roles full-time.

And I'm not one to speak up (to Andy). Instead I just do it till I'm exasperated, shoot off little sarcasms, then I withdraw. I know that's not a very good way to solve the problem, but right now I am finding it hard to do the right thing. I don't have full control over who I am, so the last thing I feel like tackling is a conversation about who I want to be.

scaredy cat

I was on such an adrenaline rush after the Jonny Lang night that unfortunately, it's been downhill from there. With me it's hard to tell what is the initial cause of my feelings of crappiness--I'm never quite sure if it's mental/emotional stress that makes me feel ill or if an illness brings me down mentally. Either way it sucks.

Anyhooo, I've been achy and cranky since the day after Jonny. I want to be alone and people just annoy me. I have no energy or patience. Then the more time I spend alone, the more I think...and analyze...and get a little more tormented inside. But in this state I actually stumbled upon a thought that made a lot of sense.

I basically don't feel good about myself. As in, I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or talented enough, or strong enough...that kind of shit. And you know, people would never guess that about me. I exude confidence. But I think those underlying feelings are why I drive myself so hard, and take on so many damn things, and never rest until it's all done. Which it never is, you see!

So, faced with these terrible thoughts about myself, I have to wonder when and how this started. Cuz I certainly haven't always felt this way. In fact 5 yrs ago when I decided to leave my husband, I rose to the occasion bigtime and felt higher and stronger and more excited about life than I had in 20 years. What happened?

Honestly, I have to say that #1 is because of the way my boss has treated me and #2 the company's attitude towards getting as much as they can for as little as possible from their hardworking and talented employees. I've been there over 5 years and have never been promoted. That is just embarrassing and wrong. They gave me tons of extra new responsibilities, give me perfect annual reviews raving about my work performance, even changed my job title, but never a promotion...because that would have involved a pay increase.

Fuck that, I was making over $10,000 more 20, yes TWENTY, years ago. That was before I went on family-raising hiatus which forced me to reenter the workforce at a lower payscale 6 years later...grrrr. But I never expected a company would hire me and never give me a raise. It had just never happened to me before.

So, why do I stay? For a long time, and even now, I love what I do. I have learned a lot of new skills and made some great contacts. It's a pretty prestigious place to work and it's hard to imagine working somewhere less exciting. I just made 5 years which grants me an extra week of vacation. Also, I'm very dependent on the paycheck, the pension and the benefits now that I'm a single mom with my own house. Call me scaredy cat. They got me by the balls.

But I think my biggest fear of all is that I'm not good enough to get a better job. My self-esteem sucks these days. After I speak, I hear myself inside critiquing how stupid that was and why didn't I just say this or that. People half my age seem to know twice as much as me, or at least they have double the confidence. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. And I've got to recover so I can get out of there fast. It's clearly not a good environment for me.

I sort of feel like this is the key to deciding what I want the next period in my life to be. It needs to change. I have stayed too long. I deserve to be making more money. And I deserve to be respected and appreciated because I am a damned good employee. But I have now become bitter, and I don't like being bitter. I like sweet.

bitch se$$ion

I'm taking financial hits from all angles these days. All these friggin reminders that I need to make a big decision or two. F U C K !

No surprise that the company I work for overlooked me once again at my annual review. For the 5th year in a row I got a perfect, glowing review and what does that amount to? A whopping 1.1% increase across the board...for all staff. It's never based on performance, or added responsibilities. I made significantly more money 20 years ago. Fuck it. They don't deserve me.

My car is ill. It's a 2002, and it has treated me well up until lately. Since last summer I've been pumping dollars into it, and now there are signs I have a worn head gasket. Now I am shopping around to see what I can afford. Ugh.

Not to mention that both my car insurance and my house insurance have gone up a ridiculous amount this year! WTF??!!

Everything seems to cost more and I am making less. I am watching my account balance slowly dwindle. I'm tired of scrimping and denying myself of things I want and some things I need. I should be further ahead at this point in my life. And it's bothering me. Gotta do something about it soon.