scaredy cat

I was on such an adrenaline rush after the Jonny Lang night that unfortunately, it's been downhill from there. With me it's hard to tell what is the initial cause of my feelings of crappiness--I'm never quite sure if it's mental/emotional stress that makes me feel ill or if an illness brings me down mentally. Either way it sucks.

Anyhooo, I've been achy and cranky since the day after Jonny. I want to be alone and people just annoy me. I have no energy or patience. Then the more time I spend alone, the more I think...and analyze...and get a little more tormented inside. But in this state I actually stumbled upon a thought that made a lot of sense.

I basically don't feel good about myself. As in, I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or talented enough, or strong enough...that kind of shit. And you know, people would never guess that about me. I exude confidence. But I think those underlying feelings are why I drive myself so hard, and take on so many damn things, and never rest until it's all done. Which it never is, you see!

So, faced with these terrible thoughts about myself, I have to wonder when and how this started. Cuz I certainly haven't always felt this way. In fact 5 yrs ago when I decided to leave my husband, I rose to the occasion bigtime and felt higher and stronger and more excited about life than I had in 20 years. What happened?

Honestly, I have to say that #1 is because of the way my boss has treated me and #2 the company's attitude towards getting as much as they can for as little as possible from their hardworking and talented employees. I've been there over 5 years and have never been promoted. That is just embarrassing and wrong. They gave me tons of extra new responsibilities, give me perfect annual reviews raving about my work performance, even changed my job title, but never a promotion...because that would have involved a pay increase.

Fuck that, I was making over $10,000 more 20, yes TWENTY, years ago. That was before I went on family-raising hiatus which forced me to reenter the workforce at a lower payscale 6 years later...grrrr. But I never expected a company would hire me and never give me a raise. It had just never happened to me before.

So, why do I stay? For a long time, and even now, I love what I do. I have learned a lot of new skills and made some great contacts. It's a pretty prestigious place to work and it's hard to imagine working somewhere less exciting. I just made 5 years which grants me an extra week of vacation. Also, I'm very dependent on the paycheck, the pension and the benefits now that I'm a single mom with my own house. Call me scaredy cat. They got me by the balls.

But I think my biggest fear of all is that I'm not good enough to get a better job. My self-esteem sucks these days. After I speak, I hear myself inside critiquing how stupid that was and why didn't I just say this or that. People half my age seem to know twice as much as me, or at least they have double the confidence. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. And I've got to recover so I can get out of there fast. It's clearly not a good environment for me.

I sort of feel like this is the key to deciding what I want the next period in my life to be. It needs to change. I have stayed too long. I deserve to be making more money. And I deserve to be respected and appreciated because I am a damned good employee. But I have now become bitter, and I don't like being bitter. I like sweet.

guest blogger?

My blog is a bit of a lifeline for me. I do like to write, and although I write a lot in my job, I don't get to write freely and express my SELF. The people closest to me know how much blogging is a part of me. It's the forum in which I can choose my own topic and blab on endlessly without seeing you fall asleep in boredom or roll your eyes. Yeah, I need to express my thoughts and feelings. But probably most important is that my blog is where I sort things out so that I can move forward.

Recently I had a wonderful idea. I have invited both my boys to write something for my blog. I thought it would be cool to see what they did with it. When I asked them, one seemed confused about what he should post. The other had so many ideas he didn't know where to start. Can you guess who is who?

And what do you think will they write about? Although they know that their identity will be protected on my blog, whatever they write will still be seen by me, so I suppose they will censor themelves to a degree. Rarely do I share my blogs with either of them, so I understand the sensitivity of it all.

But I really hope they both take the opportunity...so look out for my first guest blogger.

ducks ducks everywhere!

Man oh man, I have a lot on my mind. I find myself getting lost in thought every spare moment I have. Which basically means when I am driving and when I am falling asleep.

I don't feel troubled per se, but I do feel a need to sort out my various issues and then prioritize...or better yet, plan. Rob has witnessed me in this mode before, which he calls 'getting your ducks in a row'. It's my nature. I need to understand my situation and take control of it.

The most exciting issue is right at the forefront, with a capital A. Andy. What do we do next? He is back on the West coast missing me and thinking we need to be together on a permanent basis, and soon. I am inspired and flattered by his desire. It's an exciting opportunity, but also a huge undertaking. I have a daughter who's in high school for 3 1/2 more years, all my family's here, my steady job (though that's one thing I'm looking to improve upon), there's still a lot I don't know about Andy, etc etc.

I need to think this one through because there is a lot at stake for me to make such a big move. I want to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. After all, it might trample the ducks who are running amok right now.

My job is another big issue. It's not only about my personal finances, but the fact that I am working way too hard for what they're paying me. I fear I'm getting burned out and I do feel undervalued. Annual raise time is coming in March. Shall I give them one last chance to make it right? It's tempting to leave and make a change, but then again I've just hit my 5 year mark which earns me another week's vacation. Plus I really do like the work. I'm not convinced I would like something else better.

OK, other issues. My dog is not well. I am afraid I'll have to get tests done by the vet and it's going to cost me hundreds of dollars. Not to mention the emotional upheaval it will cause me, and Christie. Also, I am worried about my mother. She's 72 now and very lonely. She needs a man!! I feel I need to spend more time with her and take care of her, but this is very difficult based on my busy schedule and the fact that I live an hour away from her.

And then there's my dad. I try to visit him in the hospital every couple weeks. I like to see him, it's just difficult to make the time. And then there's Rob. Although he's dealing with the Andy issue all right, we still have some things to work through and I don't want to lose him as a friend, and maybe not even as a lover.

My health is GREAT and I want to keep it that way. I am also very happy. I LOVE having the adoring attention of not only one man, but two. My daughter Christie is the joy of my life, and she is also happy and healthy. I am so blessed. Even things with Maria are stable these days. All my relationships are good, and I truly feel that is the most important aspect of my life.

Though I don't feel I have a right to complain, I just thought that if I downloaded my thoughts here, it would help get my ducks in a row.