employed!

It's been a much longer road than I imagined. Maybe a good thing I didn't know up front how long it really was or I would have chosen another route, or worse yet, stood still. But here I am now, finally employed.

No, it's not exactly what I wanted. And it's not quite enough money, but I can get by. It's also temporary (9 months or so), but the company hopes to have another position for me when this one is done. OK, whatever. I am glad to HAVE PURPOSE! And GET PAID! Also good to close the gap in my resume as well as stop the bleeding of my bank account.

A big WHEW!

WANTED: Joy (Part I)

It’s peculiar how you can forget what really makes you happy. You’d think that you’d always remember these things, sort of like riding a bike. If you’ve done it and lived it, it should be part of you forever, no?

Here I sit in LA land (aka LALA land), where all my dreams pointed to for the last 2 years. I moved mountains to uproot my life and relocate here. My heart and the promise of fulfilling my highest aspirations fuelled me through the challenges of coordinating a massive move for both my daughter and myself, including selling our house, leaving family and friends and shipping our possessions.

I moved in with my love Andy, my daughter is thriving at her new school, the weather is to die for and I’ve had all summer to play and discover my new world. Sounds awesome. Then why has Dinamo lost her passion for living and loving? Basically I feel like I’m on the edge of flatlining.

#1 reason: I need to work. I need to get an actual job, not just spend hours a day looking for one. Between perfecting my resume and cover letters to be my most fabulous self on paper, browsing career websites, applying for jobs and reading the masses of industry articles I’ve subscribed to in order to stay current, I literally spend about 5-6 hrs a day online. I now hate my computer…and the whole process of looking for work. Especially when you find out through CareerBuilder’s ‘fantastic’ little feature outlining the competition that 279 other people also applied for the same job that you did.

#2 reason: I feel alone. Andy is sweet, but he can’t provide me with a lot of what I need. A girl needs her own circle of friends to hang with and talk to. I love looking at his face, but it is now burned in my retina. Variety please!! Andy and I don’t have the depth in our relationship that I want and need. He rarely asks me questions about what I like, what I feel, what I dream…sometimes feels like he’s just not that into me, but how do I dare say that when I know he adores me? I also feel like I have to solve all my problems myself. He helps me the very best he can, but he doesn’t have experience dealing with pressures and complex issues. So I’m either on my own, or I call Rob for help which luckily he is still willing to give.

#3 reason: I’ve lost touch with my spirituality. The fact that I’ve been in mere survival mode over the last couple months means I have pushed aside my relationship with the higher power. I am in such unfamiliar territory, physically, emotionally and mentally. This is where I should find the greatest use of my faith, yet I overlook it. My mother and Rob both have strong spiritual leanings and they remind me of its power in their own gentle ways. Maybe I need to be beat over the head with it. Or hit rock bottom (oh, please no).

Rob sent me Deepak Chopra’s Book of Secrets last week. I am more than half way through it already. The timing was right for me and it’s reminded me that I need to get back to seeking my joy on a daily basis. I def have not been doing that. When I am feeling like shit, how can I attract the job of my dreams? As long as there is no vibrational match, my job and I will not meet. I have to get in the right state of mind for it to come. And I do believe that. In the past I've been able to get there. Why is it so hard now?

Because I can't find my joy.

ducks ducks everywhere!

Man oh man, I have a lot on my mind. I find myself getting lost in thought every spare moment I have. Which basically means when I am driving and when I am falling asleep.

I don't feel troubled per se, but I do feel a need to sort out my various issues and then prioritize...or better yet, plan. Rob has witnessed me in this mode before, which he calls 'getting your ducks in a row'. It's my nature. I need to understand my situation and take control of it.

The most exciting issue is right at the forefront, with a capital A. Andy. What do we do next? He is back on the West coast missing me and thinking we need to be together on a permanent basis, and soon. I am inspired and flattered by his desire. It's an exciting opportunity, but also a huge undertaking. I have a daughter who's in high school for 3 1/2 more years, all my family's here, my steady job (though that's one thing I'm looking to improve upon), there's still a lot I don't know about Andy, etc etc.

I need to think this one through because there is a lot at stake for me to make such a big move. I want to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. After all, it might trample the ducks who are running amok right now.

My job is another big issue. It's not only about my personal finances, but the fact that I am working way too hard for what they're paying me. I fear I'm getting burned out and I do feel undervalued. Annual raise time is coming in March. Shall I give them one last chance to make it right? It's tempting to leave and make a change, but then again I've just hit my 5 year mark which earns me another week's vacation. Plus I really do like the work. I'm not convinced I would like something else better.

OK, other issues. My dog is not well. I am afraid I'll have to get tests done by the vet and it's going to cost me hundreds of dollars. Not to mention the emotional upheaval it will cause me, and Christie. Also, I am worried about my mother. She's 72 now and very lonely. She needs a man!! I feel I need to spend more time with her and take care of her, but this is very difficult based on my busy schedule and the fact that I live an hour away from her.

And then there's my dad. I try to visit him in the hospital every couple weeks. I like to see him, it's just difficult to make the time. And then there's Rob. Although he's dealing with the Andy issue all right, we still have some things to work through and I don't want to lose him as a friend, and maybe not even as a lover.

My health is GREAT and I want to keep it that way. I am also very happy. I LOVE having the adoring attention of not only one man, but two. My daughter Christie is the joy of my life, and she is also happy and healthy. I am so blessed. Even things with Maria are stable these days. All my relationships are good, and I truly feel that is the most important aspect of my life.

Though I don't feel I have a right to complain, I just thought that if I downloaded my thoughts here, it would help get my ducks in a row.