field of latent dreams

Apres sex last night we lay in bed just floating along on the waning tide of endorphins. Andy's on his back. I took my customary favorite spot lying on my left side, head resting in the crook of his armpit/chest, my right leg resting over his. My right hand can't help but feel his balls and wander through the soft jungle where all the wild things are.

We're silent for the most part till his sounds let me know I hit a spot that apparently feels really good. Sooo relaxing this ritual...as much for me as it is for him. I swear I was a man in past lives. Probably more often than I was a woman. I know this by how natural it is for me to handle the male equipment. I feel like it is genuinely mine. I feel the pleasure that he does when I caress all that good stuff down there.

Andy gets very creative after sex with me, and during, so he says. I like to prolong his pleasure and his creativity with all this touching, which I can easily do for half an hour or longer. Sometimes, like he did last night, he shares his creative thoughts.

Last night he said we were lying in an open field. The grass was mostly green with a little yellow, but it was soft, and long, gently bent over into soft mounds. The sun was shining on our naked bodies. No one could see us so we could just lie there together and love the moment.

As he told me of his vision the tone of his voice changed. He was totally tuned into me, and being with me. I had the sense that his heart was wide open. It felt so noticeable, different and intimate. I am not used to feeling that energy from him. It hit me like lightning. And I suddenly realized I couldn't share that openness. My heart understood his, but I wouldn't let it feel the same depth of love. And it made me very sad.

This was a familiar mix of feelings. I well remember the ecstasy of sacred sex (with Rob and with Cam), like actually feeling our two souls uniting, with sex as the facilitator. It is Godly. And I remember when I let my fear block those feelings, like I am doing now. It's the fear that it's not safe to love that deeply--not yet, not right now. How sad that Andy finally gave me this kind of love and I secretly rejected it.

I didn't want to ruin his beautiful moment, so I kept my thoughts to myself. I am not ready to open my heart to him that way when I am not sure that I can stay. There are too many circumstances seemingly out of my control that may lead me away from him. If I have to go back east, he can't come with me. Until I know that things are going to work out for me here, I feel like I have to protect my heart, and his.

Though I must admit, it felt good to know that I could have that depth of love again. Maybe this is a sign of the beginning of good things to come. It sure would be nice to get back to the dream.

fading

Tonight I was being curious and mischievous by delving back into a past love life. I dug up some of my 'starred' gmail chats with Cam from 2006. These are the treasures of love that will live forever in the archives of my old gmail account...the one we used for keeping our channel of communication open for hours as we worked at our desks thousands of miles away. Of course this was pre-Skype. Hopefully these precious records of our gmail chats will live forever as does the love for a soulmate. And Cam was mine.

To add the context surrounding this chat, these messages were written in the months following our 4 day reunion--the only 4 days we spent together. Although we both wanted to preserve the intensity of those days, we had both added new relationships to our lives and were trying to adjust to that. But our love lived on for quite a while. Just for the record, I've had no communication with Cam in about 3 years now, since he turned down my invitation to move to my town/country and make a go of it.

Dinamo wrote:
What do I mean when I say I'm scared of you fading? I'm scared of losing my memory of you and our 4 days together, the intensity of it, the specifics of it, like how my heart jumped when I caught you looking at me, what it was like to cuddle up next to you on that plump couch in the spa, to sweat with you in the hot springs, to smell your skin in soft dark places, to be driven through the ceiling by your fingers, the taste of your tears, the pride I felt watching you when we were out, to wake up to you and to be awakened by your touch, your million dollar smile, your sneeze, the way you opened doors for me and wanted to pay for everything, the bliss of the silence between us, the bump on your forearm, the anticipation of all the "firsts" we experienced, wearing your shirt and tucking notes in secret places to surprise you, laughing at your stories, feeling certain songs together, holding your hand and you liking it, feeling your passion as your mouth found its love, the little things you noticed like it was our first time driving in a car together, the way I knew how important I was to you, and knowing that no one's love could ever surpass ours, gazing while we ate drank and made love, learning about you and all you've done, the sex feast, your eyes, the sounds you made, the words of love you spoke. I want to keep all of it, I want to give to you better than anyone else can, I want it to remain sacred and untouchable. I love you. D

Cam's Reply:
That's it... Sacred. That makes me cry.

That's what I want, sacredness between us. That's what I experienced and what I think we are just scratching the surface of. Thank you for this idea and what you wrote. I am overwhelmed with you in this moment.
love, c

And why did I post this, you ask? There is a part of me that is searching for the depth in a relationship that I so crave. Andy and I don't have it yet and I miss it. I am willing to wait until it grows for us, but in the meantime I am trying to make it tangible in my life somehow. It makes me feel good to remember how special I was to someone, and how we could express our deepest feelings to each other. That's what seemed to feed the relationship for the longest time.

missing

There were 2 things I knew I would miss when I gave up Rob. Well, maybe 3. One was his big cock--along with his sexual finesse, of course! Second was his endless energy to give me TLC. Rob would run his fingers through my hair for hours and touch me in spots that completely relaxed me. And third, I knew I'd miss the depth of conversation we had.

OK, so I'm getting along fine without 1 and 2. Andy and I have a sex life that has ventured into new erotic territory that I find hot hot hot. Not only is it hot, but it's fun, and I want more. I want to know his body better, and I want him to know mine better.

We have potential to grow our sex life into a major and fulfilling part of our lives someday. But it's pretty hard to get there from here. After all, we live 2,500 miles apart. And yeah, I could do with more back rubs, foot rubs and caresses all over. Andy does some of that for sure, but his adoration comes in other forms, mostly in words. And that is something that Rob did not/would not do.

What I am missing most about Rob is the talking. And this hits me hard when I am feeling down. Rob was a phenomenal listener. As well, he knew when to offer advice and when to shut up. He was genuinely interested in my feelings and where they came from. He was empathetic. Sometimes his eyes would fill with tears as he listened to my worries, struggles, whatever.

He didn't hesitate to ask me questions that I would have to go deep inside myself to answer. He exposed me, and I loved that. That was a huge reason for my attraction to Cam, and it turned out to be very addictive. I could only give Cam up if I found that quality somewhere else. And Rob filled the bill.

I haven't delved into my soul (out loud) with anyone in a long time. I miss it. I like when someone knows me inside and out, knows what makes me tick, handles me with care, works me, plays with me. I love going deep emotionally. Someone who forces me to discover things about who I am. It's not only one of my joys in life, I think it might be a necessity.

I really don't know yet if Andy has the ability, or the interest, to go that deep with me. I hope he does. I feel like I've only seen the tip of the iceberg with Andy. But so far I have loved what I've seen, and been impressed by the treasures I've found. He's already so much more than I first thought he was. And I love getting to know him. I guess we just need time.

But for now, who will I go deep with? Will Rob be willing to get together soon? He's been on a hiatus of sorts until he 'gets over me'. Will I find a girlfriend whose ear I could chew off? (girls are so less fun than boys.) Will I blog non-stop till I get it out of my system? Or will I create an issue with Andy just to draw out some more emotion and send us down that road? (sounds treacherous.)