sweet past

It was a beautiful day, and because there haven't been many of those, I made a point of planning a walk after dinner. I called Rob to see if he wanted to join me.

We met on the street between our two streets. He was wearing one of those skin tight shirts that athletes wear and I swear his pecs were bigger than my boobs. Anyway, he looked really good in it. He's been working hard for it mountain biking and going to the gym. Good for him.

We had what I thought was a short walk and ended up at his house for a drink. He also wanted to show me his gardens. He'd finally done the beds with some plants and a nice dark mulch, and I almost gasped when I saw it. It looked so awesome after a couple years of nothing but weeds there.

We went inside and while he was pouring us whiskey, I strolled onto his deck. At my first glimpse of the green wonderland that is his backyard, and the huge deck (I said deck) which I helped build, and the flowering dogwood that seems to glow in the dark, I was overcome with emotion.

This place held so many memories, good ones. No, great ones! All those conversations on the worn old adirondack chairs. How many cups of tea and glasses of whiskey were drunk here? We'd even sat naked on those chairs more than a couple times and soaked up the sun.

All those bits of memory flashed before me and I knew that I would miss this place very much. A part of me already misses the sweetness of those times. I always knew I could count on a big dose of TLC when I was with Rob. He has always been comfort to me. Still is.

I realize that I have chosen other things for myself and I am still confident that I am doing what I need and want to do. But that's not to say that it doesn't come without a price. There will be days, I am sure, when I have to close my eyes and bring back those memories for whatever reason. In times when I feel lost or hurt or sick, I may turn to memories even if it's not the appropriate thing to do. It is what I do.

I have fond memories of all my times with Rob. And I want to keep them close to my heart. As if they could ever leave.

goodbye memory lane

I decided to take a walk after dinner tonight. As I rounded the corner of my street I realized that I had not gone for a walk in months. This was something I used to do twice every day when I had Snoop. Since I gave him away the weather has sucked, and I've been so busy and tired at night.

So, as the sounds of the chirping birds lifted my spirits and my anticipation of spring, I was countered by feelings of loss. I miss my doggie. Well, really, maybe it's not so much that I miss him. It's more that I'm worried about him and what he thinks of me. Would you call that guilt?

I forged ahead and turned my thoughts to the good instead of the bad, which is my nature. I started to get some good fresh air in my lungs, breathed deep which I sometimes (OFTEN) forget to do. Decided to take a longer route than I normally would...

I approached a house where the sidewalk was covered in chalk drawings. Awwwww. My heart always opens when I see such things cuz it takes me right back to the early years when my girls would decorate my entire driveway and both sidewalks with their masterpieces. I absolutely loved giving them new buckets of colored chalk every spring. I secretly wanted one for myself, but I let my little budding artists go nuts with it. By late summer all that was left in the bucket were little colored nubs. The pink was always gone first.

Just as I started to get all nostalgic remembering Maria in her happier, carefree days I walked into a large I <3 MOM scrawled in bright pink chalk. Tears welled up in my eyes. I swallowed it away and forged ahead.

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but I walked right into my old neighborhood--the one where we lived for over 10 years. I recognized old craggy trees, familiar gardens I used to admire and even the same crooked sidewalks. I'd maneuvered those sidewalks for all those years, whether pushing a stroller, pulling a wagon, or riding bikes with my little ones. Still not fixed, but full of character, just like the neighborhood.

I realized that I'd soon be saying goodbye to all these familiar places, forever. I doubt I'll ever see them again once I move to LA. It made me feel sad, mostly because I already miss Maria. The best memories I have of her were made in the years we lived in that neighborhood. I know she's no longer a part of it, but to me it's something tangible that reminds me of her. Though I have to leave the neighborhood behind, you know I'll hold on tight to all the memories that were made there.

my top 10 of 2010

It's time for my top 10 moments of 2010. I love this part of the year. It's like being a kid on Halloween night. You know, when you dump the heaping bag of candy onto the livingroom floor, and say holy shit! Here I lay out all the gifts I've received. I look at them and just marvel at the blessings the year brought. Here goes...

#10 - Reconnecting with my old friend and mentor Wendy. What a fabulous summer party at a waterfront mansion. Aside from the glam venue, free-flowing wine and food, she made me feel good about myself again when I really needed it.

#9 - More blog action. Not only did I collect a few more followers, but they started talking to me. Love you guys. Blogging is therapy for me. And yours are quite entertaining.

#8 - My witch of a boss finally mellowed after 2 years. She now treats me with respect and I don't dread going into her office. Why the change? She went for life coaching after breaking up with her fiance. She came out a different person. Thank you, God!

#7 - Making my dad happy. Seeing him smile, inspiring him.

#6 - Feeling the joy of watching Andy paint, feeling his joy of painting. A preview to our life together.

#5 - The night Andy first told me I was 'such a good girl'. Oh man, that was one dirty night of sex. He now has a fetish for that black skirt.

#4 - Taking Christie to LA. Being able to take my daughter on a trip like this meant a lot to me. As a single mother struggling to make ends meet, how terrific it felt to fly us across the country to be in the same town where her beloved Jonas Brothers live, see the Pacific Ocean, Hollywood, palm trees. It was perfect. Pat on the back for Mom.

#3 - The moment when I knew. After a year of waffling between Rob and Andy (sometimes on a daily basis), I was finally able to decide with certainty which guy I wanted to spend my life with. And strangely enough I committed myself to him in a Target parking lot. Since that day I've never looked back. :D

#2 - Walking down Santa Monica Blvd. in my pyjamas. The first night of vacation anywhere is usually pretty magical. You're high on adrenaline from having arrived safely, you've escaped the daily grind, and you're at the beginning of a week of good times. This night was phenomenal. It spelled freedom. I remember the overwhelming feeling of I have arrived as I found myself discovering a great city, hand in hand with a great man.

#1 - Top honors go to the night that Christie and I went to see Jonny Lang. A hot summer night, an outdoor concert next to the water, one of my favorite musicians ever. These are the ingredients of an awesome night. But what sent it over the top was seeing Christie fall for Jonny (and his guitar) as much as I did. We connected in a new way, she saw a different side of me that she respected , maybe even admired, and I truly felt like I'd done a good thing. Not to mention that I TOUCHED him...holy shit. I'm still wowing over that one.

hands from heaven

Do you believe in spirits? And do you believe they can transcend the spirit world and touch a human?

I've been waiting for a sign ever since my grandparents died. Gramps went first in 2001, just 2 months before his 90th birthday. He died a happy man and I still picture him looking content with a grin on his face and a sparkle in his hazel eyes. I dreamed about him last week, a treasured few moments in which I got to hug him again.

Grama went 5 years after Gramps, and it wasn't an easy 5 years for her. In fact, it was horrible as she was wrought with anxiety and depression right to the end. Although I had a beautiful moment holding her frail little hand as I said my last goodbye at her bedside, I choose to draw on my childhood and teen memories of her.

I was always her favorite grandchild, I am sure. She wanted good things for me, and I know she smiles now at all the love I have found in my life. She probably even winks at some of my escapades, as I believe the female sex drive runs rampant in my family, inherited straight down the line from Gram.

Anyway.......I have a wind chime in my bedroom that I had always hoped she would ring from beyond. It has never rung. And that's ok, because in the last week, Gram has started touching me. Mostly when I am standing in my kitchen, I feel a warm hand against the left side of my back, behind where my heart is.

I don't feel it away from home, ever. When it first started in my kitchen I immediately thought of her. And so I believe it is her.What else would it be? I welcome it, just as I would welcome her to visit me. I am fascinated by the possibility.