a little peace

I have a few simple things to say.

Working is great. I have purpose. I am learning. I am impressing the people who observe me in my work. I am getting paid. I feel good about me.

I cleared the air with Andy. One night it all came gushing forth. I said what I needed to say without being hurtful. It seems we were both hiding a lot of the same feelings. I immediately felt closer to him. All resentment has disappeared. I now look forward to spending time with him instead of looking for other things I *have to do*. Quite a little miracle, this communication thing.

Lovvvvvvving the dogs. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I volunteer at the animal shelter. Not only do I love choosing lonely or scared dogs to nurture, but I love helping match a dog to someone who's looking for a new four legged friend. I am really good at it and I cannot describe how amazing it feels each time I get one more dog out of that place and into a loving home.

Now that I have my finances and relationship under control, I have only one area of concern. Christie, my 16 year old daughter. She hasn't been too happy or healthy since December. I am not sure how much of her current state is due to the fact that she is being a teenager and how much is a result of moving her 2,000 miles away from the life she used to know. One thing I am sure of, though--I have done, and continue to do, everything I can to help her.

Christie will be going back home to stay with her dad and my older daughter Maria for about 6 weeks this summer. This will probably reveal some things. I just don't want a health crisis like we had on out Christmas trip back home. Friggin' nightmare. I truly hope she realizes what she wants and needs, and finds some direction. I miss the old Christie :(

ANYWAY...it appears my life is back on track. I am finding a little peace at last. Maybe Christie will find her way soon. I'll be patient. God hasn't let me down yet.

Happy endings required.

the spice of life

Sex has been so deliciously steamy lately. I think I've finally got my man where I want him--amorous, attentive and patient enough to savor the entire experience as it was meant to be. Variety is sweet and there's so much more to lovemaking than fucking! We're on our way to sacred sex. I feel it coming...pun intended.

He's totally fascinated with the grab bag of sexy things we do and seems more intent on playing with all the toys than firing his gun as fast as he can. What used to take 20 mins is now about an hour of bliss. And I can tell that delaying the big O is rewarding for him by the sounds he makes when he finally lets go. Music to my ears!

One of the things I am happiest about is the foundation we seem to be building through our lovemaking. Whereas there used to be times when I sensed he was driven only by lust and animalistic urges, now his actions seem to stem from a deeper love for me. I feel like he wants to know me and love me more so than ever before. Although I had expressed my concerns (about feeling loved during sex) earlier, I think that time has been the biggest factor in the change. It probably took him awhile to believe that I was really here, living with him, and he didn't have to rush through sex because I'd be leaving soon. Silly boy.

Yeah, so in all this sex play over the last couple weeks we've kind of been passing on the condoms. They are so very inconvenient when you're changing gears every few minutes. There's nothing worse than the taste of a lubricated condom. Plus the feeling of skin sliding right against skin is sooooo delicious. I love when there's nothing between us.

We know better, but admittedly we've been blowing it off, letting ourselves get lost in the moment. Well, we have been somewhat careful by not having him cum in me. But needless to say, my fingers are crossed that we don't have an accident. I feel like a teenager again, anxiously awaiting my period that is 3 days late...and counting. Chances are I'm not so fertile anymore, but I've sure increased the odds by numbers alone.

it pays to have a sense of humor in the bedroom

"It's different this time," Andy said as we sat on my bed the first night of his visit. "I love you so much, I don't want to be without you any more," he added with an intensity and seriousness I haven't often seen in my playful boyfriend.

We slowly rediscovered each other with all 5 of our senses and no computer screen between us.

Sex was great that night, and hot. He entered me in the traditional way, then soon he had me on top for a session of 69 . The thing is with these reunion nights, you've been starved from each other so long that you just can't get everything you want fast enough. The playground is stocked with amazing toys and you want to play with them all at once.

The mutual licking and sucking was getting hotter by the minute, then he upped the ante by playing with my ass. I'll leave the detail to your imagination...but I'll assure you it was pretty damn hot. Anyway, back to missionary position and he tells me that when he's close to coming he wants to take the condom off so i can watch him shoot it on me cuz there was going to be a lot.

So he's thrusting away and suddenly stops cuz he feels the wave starting. He pulls out and he's kind of perched on his knees. He proceeds to try to pull the condom off fast...from the tip...and it proceeds to stretch to about 18" in length!

All I can see is this piece of rubber reaching its maximum length of stretchability and I intinctively lean to one side feeling like i'm about to get popped in the eyeball with a slingshot. My brain's telling me to get the hell out of the line of fire.

It was actually quite hilarious. I am picturing his poor cock stretching to the same length as this condom, and before you know it we are laughing our friggin heads off. Finally I grab the condom from the base and pull it up and off and the cum of course dribbles out and it's all over. It's been over for awhile.

We missed the grand moment, but we laughed like there was no tomorrow. What a fiasco. The fun begins.

post-Andy

The May/June visit with Andy is now over. I spent the first 9 days straight with him, then had 5 off while he visited his family and I worked, and we spent the last 3 days together.

It seems like we had a lot of time together. A lot happened. My feelings went one way, and then another. I learned what I liked and didn't like. I learned some things about myself too. Therefore it was good. No, it was great. I got exactly what I had asked for...knowledge.

Things I'm sure of:

~ Andy is a very good person with honorable intentions

~ Andy and I both fit very well into each other's family

~ Andy loves me more than I love him, but I do love him

~ Andy has a weakness for food that I am uncomfortable with

~ I need to relax about some stuff

~ I enjoy being adored by him

~ Andy has a knack for getting very dirty with me...and I like it

Things I still need to figure out:

~ If I can be happy living without Rob in my physical world

~ If I'll feel financially secure with Andy

~ What it's like to live in Andy's world (and apartment)

~ If our sex life will be satisfying to me on a longterm basis

~ Who I want to be with

~ Do I really want to be married?

~ Why my feelings keep changing

I am looking forward to the next big step--going to Andy's home in LA in August. This should make things much clearer IF they're not in Andy's favor, and much harder a decision if all goes well. Is this crazy?

andy eve

Andy flies in late tonight and I won't see him till tomorrow. As I get ready to fall asleep on this last night of waiting I decide to pull myself out of thoughtless excitement and create some direction for myself.

I stop and sort of talk to God for a moment, asking for this visit to show me the things I need to see...to give me the strength to initiate the conversations that will help us learn more of what we need to know about each other. I make a vow not to be on my best behavior, so he can see it like it is. And I hope he does the same.

I secretly hope we can be more comfortable sexually with each other. I definitely need to learn how to touch his cock in order to get him off. And I'm sure he'd like to get me off too. We're still playing on a restricted playground, however. Until I can be assured that he has a clean bill of health (sexually) we will continue to use condoms. I won't risk Rob's health. But we should have some fun with the available equipment.

OK, gonna try to go to sleep now. Tomorrow's a big day.