going over the rainbow

I couldn't help but think of Rob every time I listened to this Amos Lee song. These lyrics in particular speak of our relationship and all he's had to accept in the last couple years. To love me and toknow he has to let me go because he loves me.

I'm in love with a girl,
Who's in love with the world,
Though I can't help but follow.
Though I know some day,
She is bound to go away,
And stay over the rainbow.
Gotta learn how to let her go.
Over the rainbow.

Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are
Or who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.
Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight.

moving forward with Maria

Maria emailed me asking nicely if I wanted to get together to talk about some of our issues. Of course I jumped at the chance. I invited her to come for waffles.

She showed up at noon. I was pretty calm considering I hadn't seen her in months. Maybe I was just ready to trust that things were going to be all right. Everything else in my life seems to fall into place perfectly, so why wouldn't this?

I drank in the sight of her as she asked me questions about my trip to LA. I showed her the brochure of the apartment building where we found a place and she asked lots of questions and had only nice things to say about it. I was in heaven.

She talked about her life, the semester she just finished and how she wants to go to law school after she graduates (whoa). Maria and I sat at the dining room table for 2 hours and talked about so many things. It had been so long since we'd communicated like this...All the while I am floored by how smart, mature and beautiful my daughter is.

We got onto the subject of my moving, or "my leaving her" as she would put it. I explained how both Christie and I feel like this is such a great opportunity for us. We are bored here and looking for new things to learn and experience. It's not that we're "leaving her", we're exploring a new piece of life. Maria found it hard to see it our way, but luckily it didn't turn into a fight or an attack on me as it always had in the past. We agreed to disagree on some things.

When I asked Maria if she would come out to visit, she said she wasn't sure she could be in the same place as Andy. I asked why, and she responded that she didn't like him. I know what that means. It means that she needs a scapegoat to blame for this whole scenario. And since Andy's the one who lives in LA, it must be his fault that Christie and I are going there.

Maria is too smart not to realize the illogic in her line of thinking. But I didn't push her on it. Time heals all.

Before she left, she came over to me and gave me a hug. Despite all the words and feelings that were exchanged over the last 2 hours, it was the hug that meant the most to me. I have craved that for so long and today I got it. Thank God. I love my daughter and I feel that she will now accept my love again.

calm

"I told someone about you today."

"Really, and how did that make you feel?"

"Good. They asked me what was different about you."

"And what did you say?"

"I said that you were not a job like everyone else was. That everything was easy with you. And that when I'm with you I feel... well,... calm."

a most peculiar dream

Last night I dreamed I was swimming with Rob and my dog Snoop. This is strange for a couple reasons. My dog was/is terrified of water. And I never ever dream of Rob. But I found it interesting that I dreamed of 2 beings who I care greatly for and who have recently disappeared from my life.

I think it was also symbolic that I was swimming with them, because water, in my dreams, means love.

I remember the dream like a movie. My little dog walked straight down a boat launch that dropped steeply into the water. I recall feeling slightly panicked that he would drown, but soon enough I saw him rise to the surface doing the doggie-paddle (how apropos). He was also smiling! :)

Rob took a run off the end of the dock and jumped in feet first, making a splash. I waded in, and although the water was a bit cold, I started to swim out. Rob and I didn't interact much in my dream. In fact, I don't think we ever touched. I can't help wonder the relevance of our different entries into the water (love). I would actually say that it is the opposite of what I have experienced, knowing myself and Rob.

I clearly remember sitting on the dock afterwards and my dog (looking even smaller when wet) climbing up to be close to me. He was very snuggly and needy, and it felt good to have him close as we dried off in the sun.

Later in the dream I was showing Rob how I could bounce from wall to wall without ever touching the ground. That ability to float/travel above the ground is recurring in my dreams, and it's so fun that I wish I could do it in real life! It's kind of like how you push yourself away from a pool's edge underwater and the momentum just carries you. In my dreams I do it a few feet above the ground. Way cool. Rob was watching me, somewhat amused. And then the dream was over.

love not to be measured

I love you more than I've ever loved anybody.

Andy said that to me tonight. Awesome words to hear. I immediately felt like I should say something equally as awesome. All I could muster up was Our love is so great, so fun, and I am so excited about us and where we're going. This the truth. And I'm all about truth.

Because really, when I thought of who I've loved more than anybody, Cam was the first to come to mind, then Rob. Tinges of guilt kind of poked at me, but were soon lost in the distraction of the conversation that continued.

Later I reflected a little bit on what had happened in that awkward moment. And it's important to note that Andy never gave me any reason to feel guilty about what I said, or more accurately, what I didn't say. I was the one who was mildly tormented by it.

It's not so big a deal the more I think about it. All love is different and can't always be measured apples to apples. Sure, I fell deepest for Cam. I knew he was my soulmate since age 16, and he was my savior in many ways. But a few years ago, when I laid all my cards on the table, he folded. He just couldn't give up his life in AZ to be with me. And so how do you rate a love like that? Am I sorry I went though that? Not for a minute!

My love with Rob was such a physical and spiritual celebration. We reached heights I never knew could exist. God spoke to me several times during intimate moments with Rob. That's powerful shit. But the relationship obviously had limits. I could never picture myself growing old with Rob. When he wanted more, I wasn't ready, and when I wanted more, he kept giving reasons why we should take it slow. And I couldn't ignore how I would keep seeking a different kind of guy, a stronger personality, a leader. But the sex was outta this world!! Sorry? Nope.

So who's to say what was the greatest love? They're all great, and necessary. How do you ever measure such a thing anyway? Each guy has his own great qualities or things he is amazing at. Maybe it's not even about the guy. Maybe it's who appears at the time you are ready. I wholeheartedly believe in the law of attraction and I have attracted some of the greatest loves.

big fun in the big city

Yesterday Andy and I headed into the city for a play day and night. I'd googled a few places we could go and things to see, then printed out a map ahead of time. That's me, the organized one. We had an uneventful drive there and I managed to find my favorite parking lot in a sea of traffic (yes, I have a favorite parking lot).

First thing we did was look for a good cup of coffee. Then we made a beeline for the biggest bookstore we could find. He was hoping for some inspiration for a new job he's working on. I was simply inspired by the zillions of one-of-a-kind books. Later we strolled through a famous shopping mall and he took my picture on the escalator. He said it looked like his favorite scene from "Breathless", a French film from the 60s that we'd watched on our 2nd night together.

Andy talked about his work and I listened, enamored. I do love to hear how his mind works, and I admire his business sense. As we walked by the Chanel perfume counter at Sears he asked the sales girl if there was a Chanel store in the city. (It's his favorite designer. No, he's not gay.) No sooner we were on a subway uptown.

I'd never been in a Chanel boutique before. It's like a friggin museum--one outfit hanging here, one over there. Some rare finds that I can honestly say I'd rarely wear. The price tags had commas in them, for God's sake! Needless to say, no sale was made to the poor but good looking couple.

We also walked though Tiffany's where, strangely enough, Andy asked me which rings I liked. Then through Cartier. It started to rain and we tromped through endless puddles while he carefully held the umbrella over our heads. It was a cozy little bubble in there. When we sat down to dinner I took my wet shoes off and he held my cold feet in his hands to warm them. I tucked my toes into the warmth of his crotch too. The food was awesome and hot, and it was great to relax and get warm and dry.

A sprint back to the parking lot to retrieve my car, and we drove to the concert hall. The place was kind of a dive, but there were comfy leather couches on the upper level (balcony) and we got pretty cozy there. We couldn't help but do lots of kissing during the opening band. At one point we noticed that we were the oldest people there. What would these youngsters think?!? But it was a cool crowd--all types.

I must admit it was a wonderful experience seeing Andy watch his new favorite band live for the first time. We shot downstairs where the sound was better and joined the crowd. The band was very tight and I ended up really liking them too. I pulled Andy close for a slow dance and as we kissed he sang into my mouth. His eyes were closed and our bodies moved together. The way he held me told me how much he loves me. I suddenly had a vision of how much it would hurt him to lose me and I tried to wash it away and go back to enjoying the moment. I remember thinking what a cool guy he is and what an honor it is to know him and be with him.

After the concert we got home in record time. Turns out there's no traffic at 1am! We dragged our asses into the house and got ready for bed. Tired as we were, Andy insisted on rubbing my feet before we went to sleep. Awwww. Sweet=Andy. It was a good day.

thankful

As shitty as things can get, through the highs and the lows and the everyday things we all take for granted, there's always plenty to be thankful for. I believe there's no better way to get more of the good than to recognize it though gratitude.

Here are some specific gifts that have presented themselves to me this year.

A FRIEND'S RECOVERY - My (former) boss and good friend beat cancer without having to go through chemo. He'd almost died twice while in the hospital. Not only did he conquer cancer, but he is feeling great and living life on his own terms. Woo-hoo!

PEACE - My house found peace once more. My oldest daughter Maria moved to her dad's in April. At first it was difficult to see it as anything other than a failure in parenting. But once my tears dried and the dust settled, Christie (my youngest) and I started feeling more comfortable, free and relaxed in our home. Also the distance between Maria and us allowed us to appreciate each other and develop new habits in our relationship. Maria is doing well.

CLARITY - I realized what I want in a relationship and for my life, in general. I also realized that it's not going to happen with Rob. I was able to tell him that and move forward.

INDEPENDENCE - My ex lost his job which meant that all child support payments stopped. I panicked at first, but somehow I'm making ends meet on my own. I love not needing him for anything. And I mean anything!

does this email to Andy make sense?

Dearest Andy,
I am worried that you're upset after the email I sent you yesterday. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you, especially because you had the wall painting event, and I wanted you to be feeling up for that. I hope to God my email didn't mess you up. I tried to make sure you knew how I felt about you so you could focus on that and be your usual brilliant self last night.

I am thinking that since you haven't responded, either you're afraid to know more about my situation or you don't like it and just want it to go away. Andy, there's no doubt in my mind that I love you. I think I've been pretty clear that I want to explore a future with you. I am already thinking it into existence. WE are making our dream come true together. This is going to take some time. Maybe not a lot, but some....In the meantime I just want to be honest about my current situation. I need to be understood.

Let me explain. Back in August when we got together, you knew that I had a relationship and that I couldn't be your girlfriend. I let you kiss me because I wanted you to. And if it had been one or two kisses, it never would have crossed any boundaries. But the way we kissed, and the things we felt that night definitely moved us into new territory. I expected to be able to manage my new feelings.

After you left, I still felt you. You had inspired beautiful thoughts and feelings in me which I shared with you. I got very excited about you, your life, and what it might be like to work with you, live with you. We talked more often and we became close. The night we stumbled into phone sex, I realized I had to make a change in my life.

I went to Rob in the following days and told him that I needed to change the nature of our relationship. We've been together for 3 years. And although I had dated a couple other guys within that time, for the most part, we were in a committed, exclusive relationship. I told him I needed the freedom to explore a new kind of life. I told him that although I was intrigued by you, I was also feeling drawn in a new direction for other reasons (work, social, emotional). Long story short, he was hurt.

Rob and I are friends first and foremost. That's how it began with us. Besides my children, Rob is my only personal connection to the area. He's the only one I have to help me out here. We spend a lot of time together and yes, we have sex. He and I have dealt with this issue a couple times before, but it is bigger this time as I had never planned to be intimate with someone else before. Plus I am seriously considering leaving the area. He understands what I am asking for and knows I have to do what makes me happy, but he's not happy about it. On the other hand, he doesn't want to lose me from his life, and is willing to hang in as long as he can, even under these circumstances.

So what does all this mean to you? Well, hopefully you realize the impact you've had on my life and the risks I am willing to take to have a life with you. But that being said, I am still living, working and raising a daughter here and I need to maintain some sense of stability until I can make a move. I still need a friend closeby, someone to hang out with, someone to help when I need, and I still need sex. I may seem to be a totally independent and strong woman, but I am fragile too, as we all are sometimes only a thread away from total chaos.

As right as it feels to pursue a new life with you, we still don't know enough about each other. We need to spend some time together. Even then, it is sometimes scary to imagine making such a complete change. Giving up my job, my benefits, selling my house, leaving my family and a life I've known for forever it seems, moving my daughter and myself not only to a new country, but 2500 miles away where we will know no one but you.

But I also see it as a huge and exciting opportunity for both Danielle and me. I have never felt so compelled to do something like this before. There has never been another person in my life who gave me such reason to believe that I can have it. Thinking about it sort of produces an energy all of its own. But in order to pull it off, I need us to keep on believing that we can, and will, have this together. Our combined power can make it happen.

I need us to stay close to keep up the momentum. I need to know that you understand me and accept me. I am sensitive to the fact that you don't want to know details when it involves another man. But I have to be open about the big picture, and can't feel like I am hiding it from you. Even on a day to day basis, I need to be able to say things like 'Rob's coming over later'. We have to have enough trust and love to get us through.

Can you do this? I need to know what you're thinking. What can you handle and what can you not? What are your fears? What do you know in your heart? Darlin, I need to know you inside and out, so please don't be afraid to expose yourself to me. Even if you're not clear, blather on to me and you can sort it out later. I just ask that you speak out of love, as I will always try to do the same for you.

falling for Andy

How is it that someone who hardly knows me can know my heart so well? Did I attract the perfect match? Is the romantic pop artist just using his talents on me? Was I the object of his art all along? Or is it that he and I both have the same beautiful dream and desire to express it?

How is it that he says all the things I've longed to hear from a man my whole life? No one has ever spoken to me this way. No one has ever exposed himself or given himself to me in this way. With no fear, only hope. And all this practically right from the start. Or restart I should say.

Andy and I dated for a mere month 29 years ago, then completely lost touch until Facebook reunited us in about June. We saw each other in person on August 1st when he came back to our hometown for a visit. We spent about 8 hours together and it hasn't been the same since. Except we live on opposite sides of the country. We talk every couple days, email and Facebook chat almost daily. He excites me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I love who he is and what he does and how he feels about me.

HE INSPIRES ME. He completely melts me and makes me feel like God's most beautiful creature. His words to me:

what's mine is yours

i'd like to wake up and see your face every day of my life

you are more than perfect

i am so excited about us

He called me at work this morning and the first thing he said was Good morning Darlin. Did anyone tell you how beautiful you are today? His voice smiles at me and I can picture his face and adoring eyes. I couldn't stop thinking of him the rest of the day. I was elated from the inside out, from head to toe. I drove home from work and felt so happy that when a sad song came on the radio, it just didn't make any sense.

This is all very strange coming so fast and hard. Admittedly I've been swept off my feet and I'm enjoying the ride, floating in Andy.

a swallow or a chicken?

You may have seen an email recently that touted the love between mates in the animal world, in this case, swallows. In the email a series of images showed the reactions of an affectionate male swallow when its partner had swooped too low to the road and was struck by a car.

The male went through various stages including bringing her food in an attempt to soothe her, standing guard, and finally watching in bewilderment as she died on the road.

It was sad to see. I once hit a bird while driving and felt horrible about it, but couldn't do anything. And then earlier today a beautiful blue jay flew straight into the glass of my livingroom window and dropped onto my deck. Christie watched it lay on the ground writhing, beak wide open, until it stopped moving. Knowing that blue jays mate for life, all I could think about after that was his partner wondering where he was.

I forwarded the bird email to Rob with a simple question, "What would you do?" I really wanted to hear how he'd respond. Would he get the hell out of the road before another car came by and hit him? Or would he risk his life to tend to me to the bitter end?

His response:
Hard to say, it would be fun being a bird and I'd definitely be dating a swallow. First I'd have you in bed where you belong not out playing in the road, so there's no need to worry. Nothing is going to happen to you.

I had a feeling he wouldn't answer the question.