waking up to the lake

I survived the fireworks without any noticable injury. Conversation eventually gravitated toward more pleasant stuff and my mood lifted temporarily. We climbed back up the flights of steps in the dark and joined the other guests of the B&B around the campfire at the top.

Rob exchanged niceties with everyone while my head was heavy in thought. We didn't stay long. We went up to our room to do what we do best--make love.

Needless to say the sex was very emotional, and therefore intense. I had the pleasure of a major emotional and physical release, so I was able to sleep like a baby. The bed was pretty comfy too. You never know what you're going to get in these places. This one was good.

As the windows of our room faced east, we were awakened by the sun at 5:41am. Way too early to get up on a non-work day. I climbed out of bed and moved to open the door, allowing the sun and the lake breeze to kiss our naked bodies.

It was one of those heavenly mornings that touched all the senses--the warmth of the sun and tickle of the breeze, the smell of the lake, the sounds of the trees rustling, and when I managed to open my eyes I saw the reflection of sun off the water dancing like diamonds in rhythm with the waves. Rob and I drifted off for another hour and a half.

fireworks of sorts

Rob and I went away for the 4th of July. We hadn't been away together in a long time for two reasons: 1. because I'd been weaning myself of him in order to ramp up my relationship with Andy, and 2. because I had no money.

But once my visit with Andy was over I felt like I needed to spend more time with Rob. I think it was the first day after Andy flew back home that I'd emailed Rob and suggested we go on a getaway, just us two. I was surprised at how happy that made me feel.

I thought he'd want to go back to the inn where we'd had such an intense and romantic weekend last fall (because I have a voucher for a free night there), but he chose instead to foot the bill and go back to the Finger Lakes in New York where we'd been 2 summers ago.

We chose a B&B right on one of the lakes. It had a long staircase down to a dock which reached 80' into the lake. It was there that we had a big talk.

Rob must have sensed that my feelings for him had returned to their old fervor, maybe that's why he chose to push the issue. He asked what my intentions were with Andy, and with him. I was in my usual state of not being able to commit to anything concrete. That being said, Rob shared his feeling that he was now in a real quandary.

He had met a couple women that were interesting to him. Before he pursued either of them he wanted to know my true feelings. He said he'd hate to start up something with one of them and then find out that I had wanted him all along. I could not guarantee anything beacuse my feelings have changed so many times, I don't even trust them anymore. And if I can't trust my feelings, how can he?

I am going to LA to visit Andy in 7 weeks. I can't cancel my trip...I have too much invested, plus Christie is so excited about going there. There was only one way to respond to Rob. I told him I did not have the right to keep him from exploring other relationships. I felt a sinking feeling. I felt like it would really happen and I would feel abandoned, and very sorry.

I was sad. But I tried to be a big girl and put that aside so that we could enjoy the night. It was the 4th of July after all. As dusk came the colors of the lake turned pastel and soon it was dark. Campfires and red flares were lit all around the lake, in a ring of fire, and we had the best seats at the end of the dock. Some people lit off fireworks. Inside fireworks were blowing off in my head and settling like dark dust in my heart.

like a honeymoon

Rob took me on a consolation getaway this weekend. I say consolation because he had offered to take me to Florida for a week, but I couldn't in good conscience accept such a large gift considering the state of our relationship. I did agree to a one-night getaway to a dreamy location about 2 hours away.

The weather was just perfect, a sunny and balmy fall day, the colours of the trees at their peak. I'd been to this place before for work, but Rob had not. I knew he would love it there because of the falls, the woods and the rural location, and I was right.

It was a day and night filled with greatness. We hiked and stumbled upon an art gallery that was so alive with character and painters doing their stuff while we watched. Gorgeous scenery, sun beaming and water sparkling. Our dinner was tres romantic and the wine was as fabulous as the food.

I believe Rob used this trip to his advantage. Rob was determined to let me know how he truly felt about me. He was expressive beyond anything he'd ever said or done before. He even mentioned not once, but twice, how this felt like a honeymoon. That's a word he never brought up before because it is too damn close to marriage, and we just didn't go there in conversation. I think he has realized what a mistake that was.

At dinner he'd forgotten his glasses, so he handed me his credit card and asked me to take care of the bill. Even to sign for him. You may not think much of this act, but I'll tell ya it was big. First of all, we usually split the cost of things, so this felt really different. Second, him expecting me to sign his name, was like, being married. It actually made my heart jump, it felt so different.

Moving onward, we are up in our room christening the bed. He's on top of me, moving slowly, looking into my eyes, when he says I just want you to know that I really love you and if you're ready, I'm ready to have a relationship at any level that you want.

OK, so that's big too. About 6 months too late, but I can definitely appreciate the sentiment.

And THEN, he made some reference to taking me to Santorini some day.

OK, you have to realize that that's the clincher here. That basically means I will marry you.

So, yes, I am stunned, and scared that he will propose to me in this bed, on this trip, and I will have to say.....honey, sorry, no. But he must have seen the look on my face cuz he said don't worry I'm not going to ask you to marry me.

Phew!!! Since the pressure was off, I was very much able to play along in our fantasy honeymoon. And I must admit it was pretty fun, and sexy. We made a lot of love in that room. The photo is mine (for a change). It's the view from the balcony of the room we stayed in. Makes a nice honeymoon spot, dontcha think?