one insane moment of truth

I have been one emotional hot mess these days. I don't know if it's due to the incessant juggling of two relationships, or job dissatisfaction, or financial stress, or pms, or peri-menopause, or if I'm just a fucked up chick.

Here I stand, panicked in the middle of a self-manufactured chaotic existence. Rob has announced he thinks it's time to start dating other women since I can't commit to him, and he's tired of putting his life on hold. That rattled me, and I could kick myself because I've been encouraging him to do that all along. Now that he does it, I cave? Shame on me!

I know why it's happened though. During Andy's last visit I missed Rob terribly and realized he is my security, my best friend and soulmate. So I've since cooled my feelings toward Andy and have been spending oodles of time with Rob. I've reopened my heart to Rob and we've been experiencing some pretty wonderful moments and depth again. He senses my renewed love and maybe that's why he feels that now is the time to play his hand.

But I CAN'T stop him from dating someone else, because I can't cancel my trip to LA. I can't do that to Andy, but more importantly I can't do that to Christie. This is going to be the trip of her life! or at least of her teenage-hood. She is so excited. I wish some of that would rub off on me.

As I sit and cry in self pity, this is what I really wish I could say to Rob right now, and still feel this way in a week, a month, a year, and the rest of my days on earth:

I want to move in with you.
I want to make love to you forever.
Let's buy a house together.
I want to love you and take care of you like a wife.
I want us to build a life together.
Let's plan a trip.
I want your bed to be my bed.

What I really wish I could say to Andy right now:

I can't move to California because I can't live without Rob.
Please don't plan your whole life around me. It's too much pressure.
I'm sorry I led you on. It felt good to dream with you and you certainly filled my need to be desired, accepted and adored. I truly believed we could be together. But I have learned that our relationship is not as deep as I need a relationship to be.

I can only hope that my mind and heart find a way through this, with as little damage as possible to the innocent parties. Because I love them all. xxx

fireworks of sorts

Rob and I went away for the 4th of July. We hadn't been away together in a long time for two reasons: 1. because I'd been weaning myself of him in order to ramp up my relationship with Andy, and 2. because I had no money.

But once my visit with Andy was over I felt like I needed to spend more time with Rob. I think it was the first day after Andy flew back home that I'd emailed Rob and suggested we go on a getaway, just us two. I was surprised at how happy that made me feel.

I thought he'd want to go back to the inn where we'd had such an intense and romantic weekend last fall (because I have a voucher for a free night there), but he chose instead to foot the bill and go back to the Finger Lakes in New York where we'd been 2 summers ago.

We chose a B&B right on one of the lakes. It had a long staircase down to a dock which reached 80' into the lake. It was there that we had a big talk.

Rob must have sensed that my feelings for him had returned to their old fervor, maybe that's why he chose to push the issue. He asked what my intentions were with Andy, and with him. I was in my usual state of not being able to commit to anything concrete. That being said, Rob shared his feeling that he was now in a real quandary.

He had met a couple women that were interesting to him. Before he pursued either of them he wanted to know my true feelings. He said he'd hate to start up something with one of them and then find out that I had wanted him all along. I could not guarantee anything beacuse my feelings have changed so many times, I don't even trust them anymore. And if I can't trust my feelings, how can he?

I am going to LA to visit Andy in 7 weeks. I can't cancel my trip...I have too much invested, plus Christie is so excited about going there. There was only one way to respond to Rob. I told him I did not have the right to keep him from exploring other relationships. I felt a sinking feeling. I felt like it would really happen and I would feel abandoned, and very sorry.

I was sad. But I tried to be a big girl and put that aside so that we could enjoy the night. It was the 4th of July after all. As dusk came the colors of the lake turned pastel and soon it was dark. Campfires and red flares were lit all around the lake, in a ring of fire, and we had the best seats at the end of the dock. Some people lit off fireworks. Inside fireworks were blowing off in my head and settling like dark dust in my heart.

dazed and confused

I had a mildly interesting realization yesterday. Always contemplating what motivates me to feel what I feel for Andy vs. Rob and why it keeps changing...

I think Rob represents what I am and what I need right now (comfort, security, sex, understanding, help with my house/car, a companion to hang out and do stuff with, stability) and Andy represents what I want to be in the next phase of my life (inspired, creative, taking on new challenges, change of job and change of scenery, social advancement).

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm strong enough to make such a big move (to California). Other times when I have accomplished something great at work, I think it's a fabulous idea.

Neither Andy nor Rob has all the qualities I need. And how I am feeling at any point during the day, or time of the month, can greatly influence who "feels right" to me. The fact that my feelings change like the wind is disturbing to me. Maybe I keep waffling because neither one is the one.

Could it be that this process is not nearing an end? Am I trying too hard to make one fit? I find myself feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted more often lately. even wonder if I'll ever be able to choose and be happy with one guy. Sometimes I just want to get off this crazy ride.

security blanket

Andy will be here in less than a week.

Rob and I just had a weekend filled with that 'can't get enough' kind of sex. We, or I should say I, felt compelled to open up emotionally too, and in doing so Rob and I got closer again.

Needless to say I feel somewhat conflicted when this happens, loving 2 men at the same time. Rob understands that I have chosen to pursue a future with Andy and he accepts that. And I am excited about the prospect of being with Andy. Yet I can't seem to stop seeing Rob. Even when he's given me the freedom to end our relationship at any time without guilt or anger.

I feel like a fool. I do pretty well without him for about a week. Then I crave his body and the feelings he brings me. I also miss talking to my best friend. Rob is like my blankie. His dick is my pacifier.

However, I am not panicking in my confusion. I am allowing time to let life unfold. I may not understand it all now, but much later I will look back on this whole experience and see the perfect order of things.

lost

Wow. I've really sunk into a funk. I'm not sure if I've ever been in a spot quite like this before. Needing a new car, wanting a new job, deciding how to live cheaper--and where. And then there's emotional issues I've brought on because I am in love with two men. Oh Lordy........

I have so many choices to make all at once. And everything seems to be intertwined. I'm sort of trapped in a Rubik's cube, where one decision affects all the others in a chain-like reaction.

Knowing where to start has been the hardest part. I originally thought that I'd start making my choices based on a future with Andy. But the more I thought about, I had to relieve my financial pressure first, and in a hurry. I certainly couldn't be moving 3000 miles away within a few months.

I decided I had to suck it up and stick with my job, as that is my only source of income, albeit inadequate! And in order to get to that job daily, I need a reliable car. So I am concentrating on solving the car problem first.

Then I will consider selling my house and moving into an apartment, for two reasons. One, to live cheaper, and two, to make me more flexible in leaving the area if necessary. Since spring is the prime time of year to sell a house, I can't sit on this one too long. So I will get that ball rolling as soon as I get the car.

The relationship issues are teetering. Rob is here to help me in a big way with emotional support and practical info, which is crucial to me when I feel overwhelmed. Andy is far away, and I've had less time to Skype with him since I have so much "work" to do. So naturally, I am feeling the distance with Andy.

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it. Just riding the wave. But Rob has been so helpful and supportive that I have caught myself wondering if I could ever live without him. This scares me greatly. And messes up my clarity. I thought I knew where I was headed, but lately I am so stressed that I feel weak and dependent.

That's really hard for me. I don't like to rely on someone else (though I know we all need to at times). And I especially feel guilty taking Rob's help when I may be leaving him for another man. My head's in the dump. I need to get it back, and fast!

the pendulum swings

An interesting combination of events has occurred in the last 24 hours. All I'm thinking is here I go again.

Two nights ago I found myself chatting online with Andy, flirting aimlessly during the wee hours in a tone reminiscent of my days with Cam. It's amazing how brave and brazen one can get behind the computer screen. Before you know it you're talking about waking up in bed together. Fun as it was at the time, afterwards I'm thinking what the hell happened there?

The next morning I woke up to the phone ringing. It's the owner of the shop that is working on my car right now. He tells me it's gonna cost another $400 to fix my car and I suddenly feel sick. So immediately I call Rob and he proceeds to talk me down off the ledge. And I feel so completely grateful. And I also realize how little I've appreciated Rob lately.

Then I check my email and see the usual forward from Mom--one of Neale Donald Walsch's Messages from God. This one's on attitude and how your attitude is the one and only thing that shapes your life and creates your reality. And I realize that if I think I am unsatisfied and unfulfilled, then of course I will be. These Messages from God often hit me like a ton of bricks--I love them. They really help set me straight.

So later in the day when Rob comes over, I notice how alluring his blue eyes have gotten, and I simply have to have him. So we make passionate love all afternoon. And all of a sudden he sounds much more interesting, and seems to be paying more attention to me too. My recent lack of enthusiasm towards him seems to have reversed itself. We went out last night to a concert and had an awesome time together.

I spent most of today with Rob, too, and felt a lot closer to him than I have since the day I first saw Andy. I have not even wanted to contact Andy today, or needed to, is more accurate. I seem to have pulled away in defense. I think I scared myself the other night. Plus, after the chat I was left with a nagging feeling that Andy is more interested in romance than in truly knowing me. I have so many questions I want answered, and I'm not sure he wants me to be so concerned about where things are going. The romance factor is very tempting, but I need to substantiate it.

This whole series of events reminds me that I've been here before. I don't know why I keep returning to this very spot. Into Rob, disappointed with Rob, into another guy, disappointed again, back to Rob, over and over. Also, this online flirtation is so friggin addicting. I recognize the cycle from my time with Cam, yet it appears I don't have very good control over myself. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I want yet. Maybe these guys are giving me something I really need that I just can't get from Rob. I'm a bit fucked up at the moment!