the pendulum swings

An interesting combination of events has occurred in the last 24 hours. All I'm thinking is here I go again.

Two nights ago I found myself chatting online with Andy, flirting aimlessly during the wee hours in a tone reminiscent of my days with Cam. It's amazing how brave and brazen one can get behind the computer screen. Before you know it you're talking about waking up in bed together. Fun as it was at the time, afterwards I'm thinking what the hell happened there?

The next morning I woke up to the phone ringing. It's the owner of the shop that is working on my car right now. He tells me it's gonna cost another $400 to fix my car and I suddenly feel sick. So immediately I call Rob and he proceeds to talk me down off the ledge. And I feel so completely grateful. And I also realize how little I've appreciated Rob lately.

Then I check my email and see the usual forward from Mom--one of Neale Donald Walsch's Messages from God. This one's on attitude and how your attitude is the one and only thing that shapes your life and creates your reality. And I realize that if I think I am unsatisfied and unfulfilled, then of course I will be. These Messages from God often hit me like a ton of bricks--I love them. They really help set me straight.

So later in the day when Rob comes over, I notice how alluring his blue eyes have gotten, and I simply have to have him. So we make passionate love all afternoon. And all of a sudden he sounds much more interesting, and seems to be paying more attention to me too. My recent lack of enthusiasm towards him seems to have reversed itself. We went out last night to a concert and had an awesome time together.

I spent most of today with Rob, too, and felt a lot closer to him than I have since the day I first saw Andy. I have not even wanted to contact Andy today, or needed to, is more accurate. I seem to have pulled away in defense. I think I scared myself the other night. Plus, after the chat I was left with a nagging feeling that Andy is more interested in romance than in truly knowing me. I have so many questions I want answered, and I'm not sure he wants me to be so concerned about where things are going. The romance factor is very tempting, but I need to substantiate it.

This whole series of events reminds me that I've been here before. I don't know why I keep returning to this very spot. Into Rob, disappointed with Rob, into another guy, disappointed again, back to Rob, over and over. Also, this online flirtation is so friggin addicting. I recognize the cycle from my time with Cam, yet it appears I don't have very good control over myself. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I want yet. Maybe these guys are giving me something I really need that I just can't get from Rob. I'm a bit fucked up at the moment!

on the day she was born I cried - Part 4

It was May 2006 that I told the girls that their dad and I were separating. Jeff would have no part of that discussion. This conveniently (for him) set the stage making me the villain. I was the one responsible for destroying our "happy family".

Christie, 4 years younger than Maria, had cried at the news, but not for long. She showed more curiosity than sadness and had lots of questions which I eagerly answered. Christie had been sucked into my unhappiness a couple years earlier and had suffered some severe anxiety because of it, I believe. Once I had made my decision to leave the marriage and live my own truth, I became much happier, and so did she. In hindsight it's clear to see that Christie responded more to the security of a happy mom than to the news that her parents were breaking up.

On the other hand, Maria related to her dad. She noticed his sadness (and anger) more after my "announcement" than before it, and conveniently placed all blame on me. After all, he was the one hurting and I had moved on mentally. In fact, I appeared quite happy and in control. She made it clear I was no longer welcome to hug her, or to tuck her in at night. She hated me and wasn't afraid to say so.

She treated me badly and her dad did nothing to intervene. He probably thought I deserved it. He was one of those husbands that finally woke up once it was too late. He hadn't taken me seriously until I said it was over. And because he then wanted to fix it, but I did not, I became the one responsible for the failure of the marriage.

And Maria has mistreated me ever since. Except for a few brief moments of truce, her overall attitude towards me has been of disrespect, disdain and wanting to punish me for ruining her family and her life.

It had taken a whole year for Jeff and me to finalize a separation agreement while we both continued to live in the house. This totally sucked because we did not speak and the tension was thick. But neither of us would move out. We lived separate lives but came back to the same house every night. I hoped this might ease the transition for the girls, but in hindsight I don't know if it was helpful or hurtful.

A couple months after I told Jeff I wanted out, the friendship I'd had with Cam developed into a very rewarding online love affair. Cam lived 3000 miles away but we'd known each other since high school. His love and emotional support were everything I'd craved for years, and he was so good at making me feel good even from that distance. I felt alive again. It so happened that Cam had decided to end his marriage about the same time that I did. And just for the record I must say that this was not a preconceived affair. The timing seems coincidental, yes, but this is exactly the way it happened. And besides, there are no coincidences. We were meant to be there for each other. Cam and I carried on and we became quite attached. We were each other's life line.

Maria saw me spending a lot more time than usual on the computer chatting with "my friend". However, this didn't seem to bother her. What did bother her was the attention that our neighbor started giving me. Yes, Rob was our neighbor. He'd gone through a separation 6 years earlier and I sometimes sought his advice in how to handle things. We became friends, but Maria always thought he was creepy. Maybe she saw the sparkle in his eye for me, and that made her uncomfortable? But at that time Rob and I were just casual friends. We'd say hello and have a 5-minute conversation in his front yard, that was it. My heart was completely with Cam.

In April 2007 I moved out. Oh happy day, I was truly free. The girls were excited about our new house, their new rooms. They'd live at their dad's for 3 days a week (the old house), and mine the other 4 days. Our dog would travel with them. Both houses were within walking distance and they'd go to the same schools etc. I tried to make the transition as simple as possible.

My friendship with Rob blossomed into love after I moved out of the neighborhood, the details as I've discussed earlier in my blog. Because I would not lie to Maria, she was aware that I was dating Rob. It was then that her rage came to a head. She simply demanded that he not be a part of my life.

Being sensitive to her need for time to adjust to all the changes in her life, we were careful not to have Rob around when Maria was here. I tried to be here as much as I could for her even though she constantly rejected me. But on the days when she was at her dad's, Rob and I spent time together. Jeff was furious once he found out I was dating the neighbor and of course figured I'd been cheating on him for years. And Maria was likely influenced by things she heard her dad say. To this day, almost 2 years later, Jeff still does not speak to me. This has not been easy. For any of us.

But love has to win.