our first fight

For the last 2 years Andy and I have been trying to have our first fight. It's hard to get in a fight when you adore each other to the point of sickening others. But I always thought that you can't really know a person until you have a fight. How they act during the fight and, maybe more important, after the fight, can show you a hell of a lot about someone's character. And when you're considering moving in with someone, this is pretty important shit.

Andy and I never had the opportunity to discover any of this before moving in together. Recently we were 'blessed' with our first conflict.

I could feel the tension building over a couple days. It started with the project of building 4 IKEA bookshelves together. It was mildly interesting (and annoying) to see how Andy thought he needed to take control of the project. When things needed to be opened with a razor knife, he had to do it. When screws needed tightening, Andy needed to do it. And nails needed to be hammered by the man too....hmmmm.

I guess I'm more of a feminist than I thought. He knows I'm capable of everything from laying a lineoleum floor to replacing a toilet to selling my own house, yet he needed to hammer the nails.

OK, we survived the IKEA test without any words or hard feelings. Two days later the movers finally delivered my furniture along with my 42 boxes. Needless to say after the long wait I was antsy to unpack and get things in their place. I felt like I'd been camping for 3 weeks.

Yes, I was a little stressed. Andy had whittled his stuff down to 'essentials', and so had I. But we still had stuff that needed a place in some cupboard, closet or shelf. I dealt with his collection of an estimated 250 t-shirts, CDs which filled an entire cabinet, and books and DVDs which filled 4 large bookcases. (Oh yeah, my books filled a shelf.) He dealt with my kitchen gadgets, china and pots and pans I couldn't part with, and my beloved dining room table with 8 chairs.

We managed to find space for stuff. I guess what sent me over the edge was how absorbed he was in listening to some crazy ass podcast for hours, totally oblivious to what I was doing. The one time I asked for help in my hours of unpacking he had said yeah, yeah, in a minute and then nothing... I even tossed my famous black skirt at him--the one I'd worn with nothing underneath that he'd thrown me over the side of the bed and licked my ass in--and he never even noticed.

That did it! I was pissed.

When Andy finally reentered the land of the living (ie, the podcast ended), I was sitting on the couch with steam shooting out of my ears. He said we should get ready soon to go out and meet his friend. Earlier I had really wanted to do this, but now I was in such a foul state that I knew it would be all bad. So I said no and explained why.

Well, Andy got defensive and said You know I would have helped you, all you had to do was ask me. I can't read your mind and I can't be accused of things I didn't even know. OK, you see where this is going...?

I took a few deep breaths and tried to remain calm while I explained what had transpired during his mesmerized state. I topped it off with the fact that he missed the black skirt attention-getting attempt. Just maybe that hit home for him.

Anyway, we forgave each other then, but we still went through levels of forgiving each other. I think in all it took Andy a couple days to work it out in his mind. I think he was a little shocked that we'd had a fight at all. I wasn't. It was a growing experience for us. I can't say I look forward to the next time, but hey, this is life and this life is exactly what I ordered.

fireworks of sorts

Rob and I went away for the 4th of July. We hadn't been away together in a long time for two reasons: 1. because I'd been weaning myself of him in order to ramp up my relationship with Andy, and 2. because I had no money.

But once my visit with Andy was over I felt like I needed to spend more time with Rob. I think it was the first day after Andy flew back home that I'd emailed Rob and suggested we go on a getaway, just us two. I was surprised at how happy that made me feel.

I thought he'd want to go back to the inn where we'd had such an intense and romantic weekend last fall (because I have a voucher for a free night there), but he chose instead to foot the bill and go back to the Finger Lakes in New York where we'd been 2 summers ago.

We chose a B&B right on one of the lakes. It had a long staircase down to a dock which reached 80' into the lake. It was there that we had a big talk.

Rob must have sensed that my feelings for him had returned to their old fervor, maybe that's why he chose to push the issue. He asked what my intentions were with Andy, and with him. I was in my usual state of not being able to commit to anything concrete. That being said, Rob shared his feeling that he was now in a real quandary.

He had met a couple women that were interesting to him. Before he pursued either of them he wanted to know my true feelings. He said he'd hate to start up something with one of them and then find out that I had wanted him all along. I could not guarantee anything beacuse my feelings have changed so many times, I don't even trust them anymore. And if I can't trust my feelings, how can he?

I am going to LA to visit Andy in 7 weeks. I can't cancel my trip...I have too much invested, plus Christie is so excited about going there. There was only one way to respond to Rob. I told him I did not have the right to keep him from exploring other relationships. I felt a sinking feeling. I felt like it would really happen and I would feel abandoned, and very sorry.

I was sad. But I tried to be a big girl and put that aside so that we could enjoy the night. It was the 4th of July after all. As dusk came the colors of the lake turned pastel and soon it was dark. Campfires and red flares were lit all around the lake, in a ring of fire, and we had the best seats at the end of the dock. Some people lit off fireworks. Inside fireworks were blowing off in my head and settling like dark dust in my heart.

fight or flight

Turns out Andy wasn't upset with me at all (sigh of relief). He was fretting about work, or lack of it, and probably had bills piling up, and was feeling like his well of ideas had run dry.

However, the next day he had a meeting with a PR agency who was thrilled with his work and asked for many paintings to hang on its office walls. She wondered why he wasn't already rolling in dough and she assured him it would happen soon. Especially when her other clients (celebrities) came to the office and saw his work.

Then the following day Andy met with the owner of the high end clothing/home decor store where his work is on display. She loved the new work he brought in. She suggested he raise the price on all the new pieces and increase the % he gets. She was bursting with new ideas to promote him. So that, combined with the new PR chick telling him he was going to be rich really turned his mood around.

What I discovered about this experience is that Andy is a lot like me. We are usually feeling pretty good about ourselves, but when we take a dip, we are truly sunk until someone else's recognition of our talent/skill/worthiness pulls us out. It's not right, but we both need some validation by others to feel good about ourselves. I'd like to think I know better than to depend on others' opinions of me, but frankly, I still do.

We also both withdraw in times of trouble, and tend to live in our heads instead of talking about it with someone. The main problem with that is that we each overthink an issue and make it bigger and more intense than it really is.

This is a bad habit. The fact that we are both like this is going to be challenging, especially when the problem is in the relationship. Neither of us is much of a fighter, and maybe we both run a little scared, and are a bit oversensitive so we avoid conflict. (I know I do!)

That's one good reason that Rob has been good for me. He doesn't sit on anything for long. And he doesn't let me either! When he recognizes something's wrong he talks about it right away. He hands me a glass of whiskey and sits me down and pulls it all out. You laugh, but it works!