rob update

I keep trying to write about Rob, but I just can't get anything going. I start, and I erase. Try another angle, erase again.

How Rob is faring in all this is an important aspect of my life right now and I should be able to write about it. Maybe because this part doesn't feel so good--that's why I can't get it going? I have some guilt, some sadness, some worry. Those not-so-good feelings in sharp contrast to those I'm feeling about Andy. I much prefer inspiration.

I'm trying to be as honest with Rob as I can without crushing him. His friendship is important to me, as are his feelings. I feel a little protective of him. After all I was the one who led him into a world where it was safe for him to find and express love again. We've been through some wonderful experiences together. He has given so much of himself to me, and helped me through many personal crises. A dear friend and lover for sure.

We've been having talks about how our relationship went awry. I explained my disappointment in realizing that I'm never going to have the kind of future with him that I dreamed of. And how that disappointment led me to find new experiences.

He knows how Andy came into my life and isn't happy about it. Now he's trying to hang onto me. He goes back and forth between being angry at himself for not being more responsive to "my dream", to being frustrated with me for giving up on him once again, to being grateful for having any time with me that he can.

I don't want to make any life changing moves here. I don't want to say goodbye to Rob (ever). Things with Andy are certainly exciting and promising, but it is so early yet.