another important day

Maria's high school graduation arrived. She was beaming. I even suspected that she was proud of herself which is something that doesn't happen too often. Good for her, she deserves it. The moment suddenly seemed so real seeing her in her cap and gown. I was a proud mom. I was glad to be there. I was even happier that she had invited me to be there and I didn't have to sneak in uninvited.

The ceremony was long (2 1/2 hrs), but it was made more interesting by the emcee who had recited a message from each of the graduates. Those few words filled the time that it took for each of them to walk across the stage until the next name was called. Plus we got to hear a little bit about each kid. At the end of the ceremony, the valedictorian's speech was so heartfelt, relevant, funny and so well-delivered that I found it hard to believe that that girl was only 17 years old. Absolutely amazing.

We saw Maria before the graduation began. (I took Christie, my mother and my niece.) Maria hugged everyone in the family hello except me. She did pose for pictures with me which made me happy. At the end of the night she hugged everyone goodbye except me. Sad. Oh well, can't change the relationship overnight.

That was a bit of a letdown, but overall, I'm happy that I got to share that moment in her life.

pissed off

They say that anger is better than depression. I have to agree. It fills you with energy instead of depleting you. I have spent the last 6 weeks feeling really down about my relationship with Maria. Right now, I am very pissed at her. And it does feel better than before, in an empowering way.

When she moved out over a month ago on bad terms, she made her final stabbing remark that I was not invited to her graduation. The thought of missing it was pretty crushing, but that was weeks ago and she was mad at the time. I figured things would fall into place. Since then we've had a few friendly, calm interactions--I took her out to lunch, agreed to help her with some paperwork, plus reminded her that I'd be paying for a significant part of her university tuition this fall. And I continue to call and text her every week, with nothing in return from her.

Tonight I called her to say that I would love to see her graduate. She said, "well, I don't have a ticket for you." She has invited her dad, her grandparents (only on his side) and cousins (also on his side), but has no ticket for me.

A conversation ensued, which started calmly, but became frustrating once again and boiled down to the fact that, in her words, I chose Rob over my own daughter. She actually wants me to dump him because she doesn't like him. How selfish is that?!? And because he is in my life, she isn't. And this is why she thinks I don't deserve to be at her graduation.

Anyway, after trying to reason with her on the phone, we hit a stalemate. I wanted to go to the graduation and she said she didn't want me to. We eventually hung up. Then, as I started to feel bad about the whole situation again, I caught myself just in time, and thought

This is not her call to make. It's mine. I am going.

I deserve to see my daughter graduate. Are you kidding me? It was me who put her on the little yellow school bus on her very first day. It was me who packed ten zillion lunches, bought all her school clothes, worked with her for hours into the night studying for exams and helping her with projects, volunteered to help in her class in the early grades, baked those fancy Santa and reindeer cupcakes for the class Christmas party. The list goes on and on, but does she remember any of it? I'm so mad right now I could spit!

Dammit, who does she think she is telling me I cannot go to her graduation?