dare i?

Scared, that's me. Or is it conservative? Whatever I am, I know that it holds me back. I have a habit of being too cautious in work, in relationships, in adventure. In fact, I stick with the known so long that I get numb. And time passes.

Despite nudges from others, frustration with current conditions, even in the face of divine messages, here I sit inspired by all I can imagine, but afraid to move.

I recently asked myself What's bigger, your dreams or your fears? I know my dreams are big. They consume a lot of my time. I can easily get lost in my dreams as they involve all the things I crave--true love, inspiration, fulfillment, joy. I even feel like these things are achievable. They are dangling right in front of me. I know they are waiting for me if I'd only make the leap.

That damn F word stops me. Fear of losing what I have. I hate the thought of moving backwards or losing what I've already attained (a comfortable love, steady income, savings, my children's happiness). These are the reasons I stay put. So I just keep running on the wheel, but really I'm not getting anywhere. I am maintaining my life. But it doesn't feel like enough.

More time passes. I am angry at myself for settling when I know there's something huge just waiting for me.

change is good

I know, change is the latest buzzword, but really change has been around forever. We can't live without it. In fact, if we're not changing, we're stagnant. Or dying? Maybe I'm pushing it too far, but my point is that change is a necessity. So you might as well embrace it instead of fear it.

Usually I'm ready for change and I'm the one who instigates it. Today I've been challenged. I was informed of a change that will surely affect my life. I've been assigned an interim boss until my ailing boss returns--which will likely be at least 6 months. (At least it appears he is improving. Still in ICU, but now breathing on his own.)
The fill-in boss was hired 4 months ago and has wreaked havoc on the department she currently runs. Morale of her team has taken a serious dive, as well as business, but for some odd reason the company thinks she's great. And now they've promoted her to oversee my department too. God help us all.

However, the silver lining is this: there's gotta be something in this for me. I figure either I'm going to learn something valuable from this woman, or from working with her, or it's the kick in the pants I need to rework my resume and find something better. Actually I've been thinking about moving along since last March, so I'm not surprised I've attracted this whole chain of events.

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may

also be the beginning."

- Ivy Baker Priest
"We know what we are, but know not what we may be."

- William Shakespeare
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we

are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.

For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are

likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

- M. Scott Peck
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent,

but the one most responsive to change."

- Charles Darwin
"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to

go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect

a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

- Anais Nin

Now, if I can just keep my thoughts moving in a positive direction...