clarity in the fog

The fog was thick as pea soup that morning when I drove 45 mins to work, and the same again 8 hours later when I drove all the way back home. Later that Friday night I was headed 45 mins in yet another direction to pick up Andy from a bar in our hometown where he had gone to see a band with some old friends. Pea soup must've been the special of the day. It was the thickest fog I'd seen in years.

Good thing a little crazy weather never scared me. On the road, white knuckling it in spots, I knew that seeing Andy would be worth the trek. All the while I was hoping to God that a deer didn't decide to dart across the country road.

Just as I'm approaching my usual entrance to the major highway that would open the path and carry me to my man, I notice a detour sign. Shit.

OK, I can do this. The detour leads me toward the winding road that runs right along river. At least I've traveled this route before. Although I can't see more than 10' in front of me, I know the direction I'm going. I immediately felt sorry for anyone from out of town trying to navigate these roads. They could forget about reading street signs. My plan was to slow down and just follow the road, which happened to be damn close to the edge of the water, mind you. Seemed like God was playing a joke on me...testing my limits...

But really, God was showing me something. I suddenly realized the incredible analogy I was living at that moment. Driving through this fog, I couldn't see how I was getting to where I was going, but I knew where I was going. Though I didn't have control over the factors that surrounded me, I had faith that I was going in the right direction, that I would be safe and I would arrive unscathed. I think the most valuable realization was that I wasn't scared. It couldn't have paralleled my challenge of moving to California any better.

Not 2 minutes after my little epiphany, I reached a small town where the road opened up and the fog cleared completely. Really??!! Wow.

There are few moments in life when things like this grab my attention and open my eyes. But when they do, they are so damn precious and powerful. It was such a cool story, I had to tell Andy as soon as I got to him, and I just had to tell you.

dare i?

Scared, that's me. Or is it conservative? Whatever I am, I know that it holds me back. I have a habit of being too cautious in work, in relationships, in adventure. In fact, I stick with the known so long that I get numb. And time passes.

Despite nudges from others, frustration with current conditions, even in the face of divine messages, here I sit inspired by all I can imagine, but afraid to move.

I recently asked myself What's bigger, your dreams or your fears? I know my dreams are big. They consume a lot of my time. I can easily get lost in my dreams as they involve all the things I crave--true love, inspiration, fulfillment, joy. I even feel like these things are achievable. They are dangling right in front of me. I know they are waiting for me if I'd only make the leap.

That damn F word stops me. Fear of losing what I have. I hate the thought of moving backwards or losing what I've already attained (a comfortable love, steady income, savings, my children's happiness). These are the reasons I stay put. So I just keep running on the wheel, but really I'm not getting anywhere. I am maintaining my life. But it doesn't feel like enough.

More time passes. I am angry at myself for settling when I know there's something huge just waiting for me.