s.o.s.

Some days I feel really close to waving the white flag. Los Angeles, I give up. You win. I'll tuck my tail between my legs and go back to where I came from.

Insecurity sucks. Using my nest egg just to meet the bills is not what I planned. Having corporate LA reject me because I "just moved here and am at risk of moving back" means I have to remain unemployed for a year or longer before I get a job?? And then what...? "You've been unemployed for too long, sorry."

I'm not usually a negative person. But honestly, I've never had to work so hard to be accepted, to get what I want or need. I wonder, when will this end and what will it have cost? My pride and my confidence have taken just as big a hit as my bank account. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Andy reassures me daily that everything will work out...that it just takes time. He also tells me about 5 times a day that I am beautiful and how happy he is that I am here. I appreciate his love and support, but why don't his words make me feel better?

Although I can usually hold it together for appearance's sake, inside I am crying. However, I do have an escape. One of my secret comforts is imagining myself in Rob's arms while he runs his fingers through my hair for hours. Another source of comfort is sifting through old Gmail exchanges with Cam. That's where I found this tidbit, another one of my cries for help for a different crisis in my life:

I need your help. What I really want is for you to be here right now, so I can shamelessly unload on you, have you tell me everything's going to be all right, and completely believe you. God, I miss you.

His words held such power for me. It's as if I could hang my troubles like a sopping wet coat on his almighty hook and just walk away feeling light and free. He'd come back with this:

I will say that it’s only through confusion that clarity can happen. Sometimes when we’re in the middle of a mess the only thing we can do is get through it. Sometimes things don’t make sense, like there’s no big picture to see. Embrace the mystery and don’t think there is an answer. See what happens.

I love you with all my heart,
cam

I wonder what he'd say now and if it would bring me the same peace as it used to. I may never know, because I won't contact him. I do sometimes reach to Rob for emotional support although I try not to. But still I feel both Cam's and Rob's love even when they're not actively giving it. And that is definitely worth something. For some reason, I still need it.

mystery guest

Let's say you have the chance to spend time with any one person of your choosing for the next bunch of hours or forever how long you want...who would that person be? Who, at the thought of having one-on-one time with him/her, would excite you the very most? Is it someone famous? The hottest lover you ever had? Someone close to you who died? A historic figure?

Although a few people come to mind, I think the key to choosing is listening to your gut. For me, I'd use this fantasy date to recreate or fulfill the deepest feelings within me. I would gladly invest this time in someone with the power to carry me to mental and emotional spaces that I need to go.

This is someone who is completely out of bounds for me. I've banished him from my current life because he is a total distraction if I allow him to be, and I am much too vulnerable to fight the influence of his presence. I've been so completely absorbed by his attention and care in the past that my heart now bears scars from the experience. Even those scars I embrace because his name is carved in them. Damn me!

Out of sight, but never out of mind for most of the last 35 years, Cam is the one I'd choose for this fantasy. I admit it. More than my current partner Andy, or beloved heroes Gandhi and Princess Diana, or Maria, the daughter I recently re-bonded with and miss very much, I would want to spend time with my old lover Cam. (Thank God this is an anonymous blog.)

So what would my mystery guest and I do? Drink wine in a private place with sultry soulful music playing in the background. Gaze. Smile. He'd ask me how I feel and what I think. And we'd hold hands. He'd get into my head and stir things up. He'd make me feel things I'd kept hidden for a long time. He'd make me say things I never felt safe to say before.

Safe, yes. Like leading me on an expedition of my soul. Traversing the peaks and valleys of my past, lighting up dark caves to see what's lurking within. Diving into unfamiliar waters and being swept away by a current much stronger than me. Allowing myself to sink in quicksand knowing that he's there to pull me out before I am swallowed. And I know he would. Not only would I arrive unscathed, I'd be whole.

Cam always said he wanted to help me go deep to heal old wounds. But he dared not start what he couldn't finish. He knew we couldn't be together long enough to work through it, so he backed off from giving me what I most wanted from him. And that sucks because I needed his help and now continue in my life pretending to be whole. But instead I feel somewhat fractured. Deep down I want someone to crawl into that space and help repair it.

In my fantasy I go back to that place with Cam and let him work his magic. Total surrender and trust. He was never afraid of the darkness he might find in me, in fact he's had plenty of his own. We'd cry together, and love, and laugh, and probably cry again. We are soulmates that communicate despite the distance and silence that have separated us. But still our hearts know.

And we both know this.

a ping from the past

Well, I was using my old gmail account tonight to transfer some large files, when lo and behold I heard an old, famliar sound....PING!

It was Cam. I didn't know he even used his gmail account anymore. Its chat feature had been the private rendezvous spot where we chatted for hours on end through our workdays as we sat in offices 3,000 miles apart. This went on for months.

When he turned down my final offer last September and rode off into the virtual sunset, I never expected to hear from him again. And I hadn't till now.

First there was a hi. Hi I wrote back. Then the usual rally of how are you's and how are the kids. Finally he wrote relationship? to which I wrote in transition. My one word replies must have done the trick because soon he wrote is this making you uncomfortable? Slightly I replied. He returned to his work and so did I.

Glad it was over, I was unfortunately left with a tinge of anger.