countdown to Andy

Well, my artist friend from LA (I'll call him Andy) is back in our hometown and tomorrow's the day I'll be seeing him. I realized last night that it has been 29 years (almost to the day) since we met. Until we reconnected on Facebook about 2 months ago, I hadn't a clue about where he went or what he was doing. In fact, he rarely crossed my mind.

But since then, since seeing his artwork, I have become intrigued. He has a way with words (in his art) that moves me. And you know how I feel about that. It's the essence of joy, this being moved thing.

He announced he'd be visiting his family back home in late July and I jumped on board asking if we could get together. Since then I've been trying to remember my time with Andy, but with little success. There were a few funny details lingering in the cobwebs of my brain, but I couldn't access much more than that.

My memory is not one of my better assets, so I was damn thankful that I had my diaries to reference. (I have diaries documenting every day of my life from 1978 to 2001. I gave it up finally because I decided I had become compulsive about keeping it and it really felt like a chore more than a choice.)

Anyway, as I leafed through the pages of 1980, I found my writings about Andy. We had dated in August 1980. It had lasted only about 4 weeks, and I was a very immature 17. I fell in love fast, and it fizzled out fast. For the record, I ended up dumping him at a bar one night because Cam had shown up there and given me that look I couldn't resist. I hurt Andy, and I'm not proud of it.

So I sit here tonight excited about seeing him. We talked 2 nights ago and made our plans to meet at an art gallery. He is just as excited about seeing me, and my sister is convinced that he's going to try to make a move on me. This may get tricky. He is a flirt, and so am I. I admit I am curious if he's still a good kisser. But I don't want to lose Rob over a fleeting temptation. So I am determined to do the right thing. Which doesn't rule out a kiss ;)

What I really want out of this is inspiration. I want to learn something about Andy/his work/his life/his inspiration that I can take away and use in my life to bring me joy. I don't know what that is yet, but when I find out I'll let you know. Wish me luck.

remembering the best day of my life

It is July 28th again. Three years ago tonight Cam and I were reunited. We had our long awaited tryst after 24 years apart. We'd reignited our teenage romance online over the previous 4 months after both our marriages were over. We spent the first night rediscovering each other, talking, laughing, touching, slowly fucking. Just about everything but sleeping.

It was a dream come true. I savored every second with him.

The next day we drove an hour to a luxury hotel where we stayed in a suite for 2 nights. We did more of the same on nights 2 and 3. Plus we ate (room service) and we cried. We cried over the love we felt for each other. We were overwhelmed with emotion. And maybe we were a bit sleep deprived.

I couldn't get enough of him and he of me. We made love 12 times in those first 3 days. We were making up for lost time. I hadn't had any sex with my husband in almost 3 years. What a way to kick off my new FREEDOM. Cam said I was bubbly like champagne.

A lot has happened since that reunion, and it appears to be over now. Cam has gone his way and I have gone mine. But I know tonight he is thinking of me too.

once a widow

I witnessed something beautiful today.

Carol, my age, buried her husband 5 years ago. He'd been ill for a few months, but a full recovery was expected. One night she kissed him good night and left his hospital bed to return home to her 3 children. The phone rang as soon as she got home. He had died of a massive heart attack during her short drive home. Total shock.

It was devastating news to say the least. The funeral sent me into a tailspin. I'd been to enough funerals to learn how to deal with loss, and although I'd shed some tears, they never had a lasting affect on me. This one did, and I'll tell you why.

I was envious of their love. Of his love for her and their children. Something I had always wanted and couldn't seem to find in my marriage. She told me he used to grab her in the kitchen and they would slow dance. I never forgot that. When he died, I thought she had lost that forever. And I imagined how that felt. It was so wrong for love like that to die.

Today I saw Carol in an ivory gown. She was standing in the back of a church, her grown sons at her side. They were all dapper in their dark suits, giving their mother away to another man. This man who loved her so much he was willing to become a part of her family, take on her 3 children and weave himself into their lives.

I was amazed at their love for her, their acceptance of this man who would somewhat take their father's place, move into the home where they had lived with their dad, and sleep in the same bed their dad had slept with their mom.

Carol's 13 year old daughter stood before everyone in the church and sang "You Raise Me Up" to Carol and her husband. There wasn't a dry eye in the church.

The last time many of us had seen each other was at the funeral. We had come full circle and witnessed an extraordinary thing today. We saw love heal all.

where i am

Here I sit on my bed, burning a permanent scar into my left leg where my laptop sits and overheats nightly. Are they supposed to get this flippin hot??

I spend far too much time on Facebook these days. Just a couple months ago I was telling Lynn (my sister) that I didn't have time to join Facebook. And now I find myself addicted to knowing what's been happening in my online social circle since the last time I checked. And watching in on someone who seems to have piqued my curiosity lately.

This worries me. I am feeling a little vulnerable these days. Should I say, my relationship with Rob feels vulnerable. Ever since I felt that he didn't want a future with me as much as I wanted with him, I feel disappointed. Less vested in the relationship. Like it's lost some of its verve.

It is a recurring theme when it comes to men.

black crowes - the endurance test

Unless you're a die hard Black Crowes fan, don't go see them in concert. At least this year. Although the band sounded tight, and certainly showed off their talent, they cared little about pleasing the crowd. They played for almost 2 hours before doing one of their many, many hits. I found it pretty self-indulgent. (See how many concert tickets they sell in the future once word gets out.)

As much as I like guitar, there were just too many tunes that went off onto long tangents. I felt like I was watching a private jam session. One guy in the crowd yelled out Play something we fuckin know! which was pretty rude, but it spoke for the rest of us.

I must say that all those long-winded guitar riffs and drum solos left us pretty hungry and impatient. So by the time they did Jealous Again it sounded awesome. Next was Remedy which sent me flying. It had been exhausting waiting for the stuff we had all come to hear.

After finally hearing the tunes I loved, I couldn't wait to leave. I wasn't left with the typical post-concert high (sans artificial substances). I didn't even want to listen to Black Crowes on the way home. And that's a drag. In my opinion, a real missed opportunity for the Crowes.

The Black Crowes in concert: one thumb up, one big fat thumb down.

tune of the month - black crowes

I find it hard to shed a tear
You brought it on yourself my dear
Wrong, yes I may be
Dont leave a light on for me
cause I aint comin home
It hurts me baby to be alone
Yes, it hurts me baby

A hundred years will never ease
Hearing things I wont believe
I saw it with my own two eyes
All the pain I cant hide
And this pain starts in my heart
And this love tears us apart
You wont find me down on my knees
Aint bendin over backwards baby
Not to please

cause Im seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life

I used to dream
Of better days that never came
Sorry aint nothin to me
Im gone and thats the way it must be
So please Ive done my time
Lovin you is such a crime
You wont find me down on, on my knees
Wont find me over backwards baby
Just to please

cause Im seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life

I'll be seeing Black Crowes for the first time this weekend. I wanted to post this song cuz it's one of my favorites. It so succinctly says what I would have liked to say to my husband when I realized that our marriage was over.

Interestingly enough it reminds me that I loved him at one point (something I have a hard time remembering). I felt such pain because I cared and I really wanted it to work. But the days and nights of loneliness eventually led to numbness and I felt less and less after that. Until there was nothing. I was so fed up and tired of waiting for things to change. It felt good to finally let go and honor myself.

what i did on my vacation

Looking back on my week off, I had a super fantastic time:

• sleeping in a few days
• getting up early, but excited to be going somewhere that I wanted to go
• hiking with my dog
• shopping with Christie and feeling appreciated for buying her things that she did not expect
• buying myself a new Nine West purse
• leisurely painting my Adirondack chair a happy shade of yellow
• admiring my garden from the charming yellow chair on my front porch
• sleeping with my lover every single night (he didn't snore!!)
• bumping into a friend I hadn't seen in 30 years and getting a giant bear hug
• eating steak by candlelight with 2 of my photo shoot friends
• travelling to a sleepy town, a bustling metropolis and a conservation area all in one week
• pushing my boundaries by going tubing for the first time
• not watching tv at all
• not thinking about work
• hanging out with my sister, laughing
• working on my tan

Life is good...especially on vacation.

glorious day

I am on vacation this week. I thought I'd have plenty of extra time for blogging and other things I love to do. However, blogging seems to have taken a backseat. Oh well, there have been many other joys...

I tagged along with Rob this morning to a hiking area near us. He was going mountain biking on the trails. I thought I'd take Snoop along and go for a hike down to the stream, then bask in the sun while waiting for my sweaty, dirty man to emerge from the woods.

There's no better way to soak up nature, I decided. Snoop dragged me down the gorge (grrr), but he also helped pull me up afterwards! :-) He was in a beagle's paradise with so many things to sniff along the way. For me, the best part was lying atop a picnic table in the sunshine. It was on the banks of a still pond--the kind with willows hanging over it all lazy and swaying in the breeze. I closed my eyes and drifted.

Rob took longer than I expected, but I spent the time getting lost in thought and fantasy. I couldn't get the "I live by her side" painting I saw yesterday out of my mind. And wondering what or who inspired my old boyfriend. And what Rob would think if he knew how I felt about that painting, or that I was thinking about that old boyfriend. Or that I was actually planning to meet up with him later this month when he flies back home for a visit.

testament to love

Today I was thoroughly moved and inspired when I saw this painting. I have blacked out the artist's signature because he is someone that I know.

I can't say that I know him well, but I went out with him one summer many years ago, at a time when I wasn't very careful with other people's feelings. I was young and didn't spend a lot of time getting to know people. And I certainly didn't appreciate the benefits of "going deep" with someone.

Christ, I knew him so little I didn't even know he liked to paint. Now he's a successful artist. He was very nice to me, fun, and funnier yet, and he goes down in my books as the best kisser ever. He'd be tickled to know that. But I never knew how deep he was. Never knew he had it in him.

His words in this painting are precious and perfectly crafted from a heart that knows true love. Or at least dreams of it. The words are not written about me, of course, but they couldn't be any closer to my heart. They are words I would love to have said about me. They are a testament to the kind of love I seek.

OLP concert

I saw OLP in concert, which I can say was both very good and very bad in its own way. It was definitely a fun night out with my sister, plus it was the kick off to my vacation week. WOO HOOOOO!

The venue was not the best for this band. I don't think the event organizers realized the crowd that this band would draw. Major long lines to a) buy drink tickets, b) get your drink, and c) pee. Just to give you an example, I spent the last half of the concert waiting in line for a port-a-potty. Thank God I only had one beer.

The sound sucked for a band with such a complex sound. It really didn't do their music justice. The farther you got from the stage the more unrecognizable the song was. Not good. HOWEVER....

I felt awesome energy in the crowd. Some real OLP lovers danced to every song and others sang and rocked along. I love how music erases differences in age, race, appearance...it unites us all.

My sister and I were a bit older than most of the people in the crowd. But this was ok with me because most of the audience was male. And there's no better place to be squished up against others than in such a testosterone rich environment as that. Ooooh baby.

in honor of canada day

Watch a great Canadian film. An oxymoron you say? No, really it's good. It'll entertain you, touch you, stimulate you to think about what and who you value most.