Tuesday, December 29, 2009
my ex is a miserable shit
Monday, December 28, 2009
why i am a lover
post-Christmas delivery
Thursday, December 24, 2009
the power of family opinion
Something I realized lately is that my family's opinion holds a lot of power when it comes to making personal decisions--in particular, who I am with. No one realizes this but me, and I guess I would like to keep it that way. Apparently I like the fact that everyone sees me as kind of a self-sufficient entity.
My sister is probably the biggest influence. I noticed that her opinion over the last couple years has caused me to rethink earlier decisions and change my path.
At a house party I threw a few years back, she was enthralled with one of my male guests and suggested I should go out with him. It was someone who I knew had been attracted to me and had even asked me out a couple times when I was involved with Rob, so I'd repeatedly fended him off. But a few weeks after Lynn had 'endorsed' him, I started to pull away from Rob and eventually began dating this guy. Needless to say it didn't quite work out, but I did have a lot of fun with him. He ended up getting engaged to someone else when I wouldn't move full speed ahead.
The next time Lynn's influence triggered a change was early last summer. Granted, things were already in a state of disappointment with Rob, but her comments were the clincher. We were out at a concert together and talking about my relationship with Rob. She said something like He's nice, but I just see you with someone taller, more exciting. A bit of an ouchie statement at the time, but it stayed with me.
Lynn was also the one to suggest Andy as a friend when I joined Facebook in June. I never would have guessed that my sister (who has trouble running her own life) has so much influence over mine.
My mother, too, has shared her vision with me--she dreams of me with someone tall, dark and handsome who owns a winery or some other exciting business. I have kind of laughed this off over the last few years, but there is some validity to what she has suggested. I have discovered that I am seeking someone who is entrepreneurial and successful. Not that Rob isn't successful. But it's the leadership quality that I seem to desire.
Christie, my 14 year old daughter, also holds a lot of power. Every time she has commented on whether or not she likes a certain man in my life, I notice that my feelings towards him are swayed in one direction or another. Currently she is very fond of Andy and keeps asking me when he is coming to visit. I have never seen her that enthusiastic towards one of my male interests.
All this makes me wonder who is paving my path, my family or me? And why is their opinion so important to me?
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
giving and receiving
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
gotta love a beagle
Charles Schulz must have owned a beagle. How else would he have known that endearing doggie personality to portray it so well? I have watched Charlie Brown Christmas since I was a little girl and I always loved this part. I can't help but think that it later influenced my decision to choose a beagle. Gotta love 'em.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
guess who's coming to town?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
the biggest chicken
Sunday, December 6, 2009
the oral exam
One thing you should never do the night before a dentist appointment...give a blow job to a very horny man.
This stands as one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. And with just a little foresight I could have avoided it by just having sex. I hadn't seen Rob in about a week and he was pretty damned horny by the time I got to him.
When he's that hot he has a hard time controlling his movements, especially the closer he gets to orgasm. Well his excitement also drives me into my own frenzy where my pain sensors all turn into pleasure sensors, so I just keep going, no matter what. And before you know it my mouth has taken a bit of a beating.
It's not until it's all over that I realize I had better check for damage. My mouth certainly felt sore in a few spots, but I was relieved that there was no sign of injury. I relaxed knowing that I heal fast.
Well, I had practically forgotten about it until the next day when I opened wide for a dentist appointment and my dentist asked what happened and does it hurt.
Dreadful, just dreadful. I shrugged, thanking God that I couldn't speak with my mouth open that wide. I'm sure I turned red. I doubt my dentist believed me, and I wondered how many times before he'd seen the aftermath of over zealous oral sex. At least there's one oral exam I can pass.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
letter to Rob
Anyway, I would like our relationship to be based mostly on friendship. I would like it to be kind of low key and light, not overly emotional. I can't say how many days a week I'll want to be together or how often I'll want to be intimate. I care about how you feel and I wrestle with guilt at what my changing needs have done/are doing to you. I understand that you have needs too, and if this becomes too difficult for you, I could lose you. I would hope that wouldn't happen, but I know that we've experienced such depth with each other that you may not want to "go backwards".
I haven't made any promises to anyone and I am still exploring different directions in my life. I don't want to give you false hope for a future together beyond a meaningful friendship. But I do not know what the future holds for me, in love, career, location, and especially when it comes to my feelings. Apparently I am still learning how to decide what I want.
I do love you and I'm sorry that my actions cause you pain.