i did it and i didn't like it

As we moved into day 6 of not sleeping together, guilt crept in. I thought that maybe if I just invited Rob over, nature would run its course and I'd want to be close to him again.

Didn't happen. He came over (sex-starved) and tried to be a loving and patient boyfriend. We talked, he rubbed my head (I had a headache--isn't that a hoot??) and eventually we climbed into bed. He tried to lie still behind me. Then his penis couldn't quite behave. It was like hello, remember me???

I did not discourage him, I guess you could say it was a mercy fuck. All the things I used to enjoy about him I found I wanted no part of tonight. And I felt bad about it. I didn't like the way he talked or laughed, or looked, I didn't particularly like the way he smelled, and I didn't have an appreciation for his body. I felt no emotional desire or connection to him other than friendship. And I felt suffocated by him all night in bed. WTF??

I'm not sure what's going on with me. He hasn't done anything to upset me. And I haven't been consumed with Andy either. Andy and I have talked a few times during the week, but it was pretty tame. I have been super busy with work and life and planning how to get everything done that I need to do...

I feel bad about Rob, like I've left him standing in the rain. I feel I've deserted him physically. That's not me.

just don't wanna

Hey guys. Gotta problem. Rob wants to spend the night with me and I'm just not feelin it.

Sometimes I'm really hot for him, sometimes I need him emotionally, or sometimes after hanging out it seems that sleeping together is the natural progression. But when I'm not feelin it, I don't know how to tell him. How do you say that to someone without hurting them?

Sure, I can make some valid excuses, like I haven't been sleeping well and I really need a good sleep tonight. Or, I have to help Christie with a project tonight, or gee, I have really bad gas, maybe I'll spare you tonight. (It is he who has used that one on me.)

But stretching the truth only works in this case if it's one night. And I'm going on my 3rd.

totally wacked out Jonas freak sweetie pie

In one word, Christie.

I am thoroughly delighted by my 14 year old daughter's obsession with the Jonas Brothers. Christie is an emotionally stable, beautiful, smart and outgoing high school girl, so this is merely the icing on the cake of her life. She would beg to differ, of course. To her, the Jonas Bros are everything, not to mention her reason for living.

I can't say I have ever been so insanely crazy about a famous person(s) as she is, but I can really appreciate the benefits of it. It truly brings her joy. All I have to do is say Jonas and she lights up.

She loves their music and I don't mind it at all...though she wishes I would not sing along. If I had a dime for every time the word Jonas has been spoken in my house I would be one wealthy chick.

Last Friday I told her that the boys of her dreams had stayed at a hotel near us. She screamed and laughed and cried and carried on for over half an hour in such an excited LOUD tone I had to tell her to calm down because the neighbors would get scared. Then finally she took a breath and said wow, I scare myself. To which I laughed, but what else is new when I live with such an entertainer as Christie.

She is determined to meet them someday and actually feels it will happen soon. I wholeheartedly support this dream as I know from experience that it is a real possibility. Especially when you want something that much, the intense emotion draws it towards you.

Christie fills my life with joy and I would love to fill hers with a little more Jonas if that's what makes her happy. I'll certainly do what I can to bring on the Jonas.

like a honeymoon

Rob took me on a consolation getaway this weekend. I say consolation because he had offered to take me to Florida for a week, but I couldn't in good conscience accept such a large gift considering the state of our relationship. I did agree to a one-night getaway to a dreamy location about 2 hours away.

The weather was just perfect, a sunny and balmy fall day, the colours of the trees at their peak. I'd been to this place before for work, but Rob had not. I knew he would love it there because of the falls, the woods and the rural location, and I was right.

It was a day and night filled with greatness. We hiked and stumbled upon an art gallery that was so alive with character and painters doing their stuff while we watched. Gorgeous scenery, sun beaming and water sparkling. Our dinner was tres romantic and the wine was as fabulous as the food.

I believe Rob used this trip to his advantage. Rob was determined to let me know how he truly felt about me. He was expressive beyond anything he'd ever said or done before. He even mentioned not once, but twice, how this felt like a honeymoon. That's a word he never brought up before because it is too damn close to marriage, and we just didn't go there in conversation. I think he has realized what a mistake that was.

At dinner he'd forgotten his glasses, so he handed me his credit card and asked me to take care of the bill. Even to sign for him. You may not think much of this act, but I'll tell ya it was big. First of all, we usually split the cost of things, so this felt really different. Second, him expecting me to sign his name, was like, being married. It actually made my heart jump, it felt so different.

Moving onward, we are up in our room christening the bed. He's on top of me, moving slowly, looking into my eyes, when he says I just want you to know that I really love you and if you're ready, I'm ready to have a relationship at any level that you want.

OK, so that's big too. About 6 months too late, but I can definitely appreciate the sentiment.

And THEN, he made some reference to taking me to Santorini some day.

OK, you have to realize that that's the clincher here. That basically means I will marry you.

So, yes, I am stunned, and scared that he will propose to me in this bed, on this trip, and I will have to say.....honey, sorry, no. But he must have seen the look on my face cuz he said don't worry I'm not going to ask you to marry me.

Phew!!! Since the pressure was off, I was very much able to play along in our fantasy honeymoon. And I must admit it was pretty fun, and sexy. We made a lot of love in that room. The photo is mine (for a change). It's the view from the balcony of the room we stayed in. Makes a nice honeymoon spot, dontcha think?

bummed out

It all started when Rob asked me to help him pick out what to wear to a wedding we're going to next Saturday. I got to his house and he had pants strewn all over his bedroom, suits in the livingroom and white shirts on the kitchen table.

I sort of dread being fashion consultant to him because he hates shopping and he won't buy any clothes that are not competely comfortable. This is compounded by the fact that he is shorter than the average man, but his shoulders are wide (built!). Probably the main reason he hates shopping, cuz nothing ever fits right!

So, one by one, he tried on his suits and pants, and I kept saying no...not quite...too long...too big. There was one jacket that fit him better than the others and it was the only one I was willing to be seen with him in. It was a navy wool jacket. Unfortunately he did not have navy pants to go with it, and it's too late in the season to pair it with tan. And God forbid I let him wear black pants with it. (I wonder if he really would have tried to do that had I not mentioned it was WRONG.)

I said, you know what would look really great with this jacket? Some really dark jeans. He said like the ones you're wearing? And I said yes! Jokingly I said wanna try them on?

Before ya know it we discover that he fits into my jeans. He slips them on and I am astounded. He friggin looks hot. For the very first time in 3 years I can see his nice butt outlined. Not to mention his legs and that oh so delicious package in front. Yowsa. He looks better in my jeans than I do!

What do you think? That's me in the top 2, Rob in the bottom 2.

But, no, I will not let him wear my jeans to the wedding Saturday. Instead he will wear a pair of black pants, and a black shirt and his leather jacket. But more important than this, I feel the big victory is that he may now go out and buy a decent-fitting pair of jeans!!!! I can't wait! I think it made an impact when he saw how I drooled over him in them.

all is well in Andyworld

After several gruelling days of wondering what the hell Andy was thinking and feeling, the suspense came to an end.

On Tuesday night we chatted for a few minutes on Facebook. I soon realized from his tone that I was the one who had been doing all the worrying. He was his usual entertaining self. Having felt an initial sense of relief I proceeded to call him.

Hello Darlin'. Have I told you how beautiful you are today? I love how he says that. But before I let myself get completely swept up in him, I said that we needed to talk about some stuff. I explained that I'd been worried the past few days and hoped I hadn't upset him with my last email. And the fact that there had been no correspondence from him made me feel like he was pulling away. He assured me that he was all right with everything (ie, my situation), and that he had just been super busy with work stuff, and that really, nothing was wrong.

I finally took the time to explain my relationship with Rob. I thought it was important that Andy know what Rob means to me and how I need someone here--a friend, a helper, a lover. I told him that my intent was to get to know him (Andy) better over the next year or so and hopefully pursue a future together. He was completely fine with everything I said and I felt so much better getting it off my chest.

Not only was he understanding and accepting, but he said that he loves me and that nothing could stop that. It's like he can stand in front of a runaway train without fear. I am inspired by the strength of his faith in love.

I took this opportunity to tell Andy the words he'd been telling me all along. I had wanted to save them for the next time we are face to face, but I just couldn't wait. The time was right to say I love you Andy.

does this email to Andy make sense?

Dearest Andy,
I am worried that you're upset after the email I sent you yesterday. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you, especially because you had the wall painting event, and I wanted you to be feeling up for that. I hope to God my email didn't mess you up. I tried to make sure you knew how I felt about you so you could focus on that and be your usual brilliant self last night.

I am thinking that since you haven't responded, either you're afraid to know more about my situation or you don't like it and just want it to go away. Andy, there's no doubt in my mind that I love you. I think I've been pretty clear that I want to explore a future with you. I am already thinking it into existence. WE are making our dream come true together. This is going to take some time. Maybe not a lot, but some....In the meantime I just want to be honest about my current situation. I need to be understood.

Let me explain. Back in August when we got together, you knew that I had a relationship and that I couldn't be your girlfriend. I let you kiss me because I wanted you to. And if it had been one or two kisses, it never would have crossed any boundaries. But the way we kissed, and the things we felt that night definitely moved us into new territory. I expected to be able to manage my new feelings.

After you left, I still felt you. You had inspired beautiful thoughts and feelings in me which I shared with you. I got very excited about you, your life, and what it might be like to work with you, live with you. We talked more often and we became close. The night we stumbled into phone sex, I realized I had to make a change in my life.

I went to Rob in the following days and told him that I needed to change the nature of our relationship. We've been together for 3 years. And although I had dated a couple other guys within that time, for the most part, we were in a committed, exclusive relationship. I told him I needed the freedom to explore a new kind of life. I told him that although I was intrigued by you, I was also feeling drawn in a new direction for other reasons (work, social, emotional). Long story short, he was hurt.

Rob and I are friends first and foremost. That's how it began with us. Besides my children, Rob is my only personal connection to the area. He's the only one I have to help me out here. We spend a lot of time together and yes, we have sex. He and I have dealt with this issue a couple times before, but it is bigger this time as I had never planned to be intimate with someone else before. Plus I am seriously considering leaving the area. He understands what I am asking for and knows I have to do what makes me happy, but he's not happy about it. On the other hand, he doesn't want to lose me from his life, and is willing to hang in as long as he can, even under these circumstances.

So what does all this mean to you? Well, hopefully you realize the impact you've had on my life and the risks I am willing to take to have a life with you. But that being said, I am still living, working and raising a daughter here and I need to maintain some sense of stability until I can make a move. I still need a friend closeby, someone to hang out with, someone to help when I need, and I still need sex. I may seem to be a totally independent and strong woman, but I am fragile too, as we all are sometimes only a thread away from total chaos.

As right as it feels to pursue a new life with you, we still don't know enough about each other. We need to spend some time together. Even then, it is sometimes scary to imagine making such a complete change. Giving up my job, my benefits, selling my house, leaving my family and a life I've known for forever it seems, moving my daughter and myself not only to a new country, but 2500 miles away where we will know no one but you.

But I also see it as a huge and exciting opportunity for both Danielle and me. I have never felt so compelled to do something like this before. There has never been another person in my life who gave me such reason to believe that I can have it. Thinking about it sort of produces an energy all of its own. But in order to pull it off, I need us to keep on believing that we can, and will, have this together. Our combined power can make it happen.

I need us to stay close to keep up the momentum. I need to know that you understand me and accept me. I am sensitive to the fact that you don't want to know details when it involves another man. But I have to be open about the big picture, and can't feel like I am hiding it from you. Even on a day to day basis, I need to be able to say things like 'Rob's coming over later'. We have to have enough trust and love to get us through.

Can you do this? I need to know what you're thinking. What can you handle and what can you not? What are your fears? What do you know in your heart? Darlin, I need to know you inside and out, so please don't be afraid to expose yourself to me. Even if you're not clear, blather on to me and you can sort it out later. I just ask that you speak out of love, as I will always try to do the same for you.

DinamoTalks turns 1

One year later and where am I?

#1 - I'm still bloggin and lovin it!

#2 - I'm still true to my mission which is to roll with the adventures of life with passion--whether for the good, the bad or the ugly. And to throw in a few sordid details for good measure.

#3 - I'm still healthy, free, full of gratitude (and some confusion).

#4 - I'm still not where I want to be as far as career, relationship or finances, but whatever...life goes on.

#5 - High points in the past year: my boss beat cancer and is perfectly healthy now, my daughter Maria and I have found peace in our relationship, Andy entered my life and rocked my world.

#6 - Low points - let's leave those in the past where they belong.

#7 - Expectations for the year ahead? Decide where to move and when, growth of my main relationship while keeping the peace in all other relationships, learn more and experience more, keep on blogging.

precious

I love that the value of some things in life simply can't be measured. I love how everyone is different, we see things differently, and we all value different things. And how the smallest, seemingly trivial things can be monumental to others. The quintessential beauty in the eye of the beholder.

Andy retired his favorite brush this week. It is the one pictured on the right (duh). Needless to say it was a sad parting for him. It had given him the best years of its life, and maybe his too. It was perfect for making nice crisp lines to emphasize the shapes he draws and paint the words that are the substance of the art he creates.

I was afraid he might toss the brush, so I asked if I could have it. He could have probably sold it on eBay or saved it a few years and auctioned it off for millions (I have faith in his success), but NOPE, he said he'd give it to me. He said he wanted me to have it.

Suhweeeeet! When I look at that brush, I see something precious...well, first I laugh, cuz hell, look at it! It's so quirky just like him. But it's so much more than a paintbrush. It's an extension of his arm, his passion, his mind. I imagine the hours he has held that brush in his hand, the colors and canvasses it has touched, the long nights it has seen.

It also represents how hard he's worked, this man who's pushed himself to do things he never thought that he could do, let alone be successful at. He will be the first to tell you he can't draw. Yet, he is now so successful that he can't keep up with the work that people want him to do. He is a rising star. And I am the proud owner of his paintbrush.

all roads lead to andy

I just googled directions to my Andy. To be more specific, I googled driving directions from my house to his.

When it digested our addresses, a map and driving route popped up. I was friggin looking at the bulk of North America. Even though I know he lives far away from me, it was still a little shocking to see the amount of country that lay between us.

I proceeded to scroll through the directions listed. It's so weird to see things like passing through Iowa, Entering Nebraska and Passing through Arizona, Nevada, Entering California. And the real 'holy shit' was the 1 day and 15 hours of driving time separating us. (Of course, there's air travel, but that wouldn't make as dramatic a point now, would it?)

When love calls, physical distance is merely a technicality. I feel him close in spirit and mind, and we will also be close in the physical plane soon enough.

If I stop and think about all the circumstances that have been created in my life over the past while, I can start to see a master plan evolving. Things like my dissatisfaction with a stagnant relationship (with Rob), my need to sink my teeth into something more exciting careerwise and socially, my finances taking a dive (creating a need to make a move), the new PR and media experience I've gained through my job (that could be really useful to Andy), even my joints getting sore with the onset of cold damp weather....

It seems that all roads lead to LA.

nurse dinamo

Yesterday I was the glue. I visited my sister, my mother and my father, all in different locations. Each is in need of repair, so to speak, so I decided to head back home and make a clean sweep.

Since I'm feeling strong and well-fortified with love these days, I thought it my family duty to spread a little around. I started with Lynn, my sister. I spent the night at her new apartment and found out she wasn't nearly as heartbroken as I had thought over a recent issue with her lover. Well I guess not, considering she spent a couple hours chatting with new prospects on match.com. I watched in amusement.

Next stop was Mom's. She's been really stressed worrying about my sister, plus she's lonely since her boyfriend kind of left to do his own thing. So I did a lot of listening and not much talking. It's kind of weird because she has no clue about my newest relationship with Andy. She's in the dark about a big part of my life. But that's ok. It wasn't about me today.

Final stop was to visit my dad in the hospital. He's been there for 2 months now. This is a man I've gotten to know better in the last 2 months than for all of my life. My parents were divorced when I was a baby, and I never really felt like he was a father to me. Nice man, but he could never relate to my world, or me to his. Before this hospital stay I would see him maybe 3 times a year.

Now when I see him I feel like I am doing something really valuable. I am filling his empty life with something good. He smiles when he sees me walk in, and I've had the chance to show my love to him in ways I normally wouldn't. I've stroked his hand to help him feel better or to wake him up, I've fed him, and I've given him hugs that last longer than the usual 3 times a year hugs.

It is depressing to go into the hospital and to imagine what its' like to be stuck in there so long. But when I am with him, and long after I've left, I feel uplifted and grateful that I've been given the chance to share my love.

I have also been amused by some things I've heard and observed during recent visits. I realized where I got my beautiful feet! Dad's feet are probably the nicest feet I've ever seen on a man. Which helps make up for the fact that his ears are enormously big. When did that happen?!

Also, he told me about being in the National Guard when he was young (I never knew that), and once told a facinating story about how he was getting out of the hospital beacuse he had to go photograph President Obama. Although I think that was a delusion from some of the drugs they'd given him. Entertaining nonetheless!