the power of family opinion

I am a pretty independent person in almost every way. Sure, I can't change a flat tire or cook a turkey, but I'm sure I could learn (if I cared to). My friends, family, coworkers, Andy and Rob all see me as a very independent woman.

Something I realized lately is that my family's opinion holds a lot of power when it comes to making personal decisions--in particular, who I am with. No one realizes this but me, and I guess I would like to keep it that way. Apparently I like the fact that everyone sees me as kind of a self-sufficient entity.

My sister is probably the biggest influence. I noticed that her opinion over the last couple years has caused me to rethink earlier decisions and change my path.

At a house party I threw a few years back, she was enthralled with one of my male guests and suggested I should go out with him. It was someone who I knew had been attracted to me and had even asked me out a couple times when I was involved with Rob, so I'd repeatedly fended him off. But a few weeks after Lynn had 'endorsed' him, I started to pull away from Rob and eventually began dating this guy. Needless to say it didn't quite work out, but I did have a lot of fun with him. He ended up getting engaged to someone else when I wouldn't move full speed ahead.

The next time Lynn's influence triggered a change was early last summer. Granted, things were already in a state of disappointment with Rob, but her comments were the clincher. We were out at a concert together and talking about my relationship with Rob. She said something like He's nice, but I just see you with someone taller, more exciting. A bit of an ouchie statement at the time, but it stayed with me.

Lynn was also the one to suggest Andy as a friend when I joined Facebook in June. I never would have guessed that my sister (who has trouble running her own life) has so much influence over mine.

My mother, too, has shared her vision with me--she dreams of me with someone tall, dark and handsome who owns a winery or some other exciting business. I have kind of laughed this off over the last few years, but there is some validity to what she has suggested. I have discovered that I am seeking someone who is entrepreneurial and successful. Not that Rob isn't successful. But it's the leadership quality that I seem to desire.

Christie, my 14 year old daughter, also holds a lot of power. Every time she has commented on whether or not she likes a certain man in my life, I notice that my feelings towards him are swayed in one direction or another. Currently she is very fond of Andy and keeps asking me when he is coming to visit. I have never seen her that enthusiastic towards one of my male interests.

All this makes me wonder who is paving my path, my family or me? And why is their opinion so important to me?

yes to everything

giving and receiving

Rob and I went shopping today. He wanted to buy me some birthday presents. That's a little hard for me.

First, I'm not all that comfortable accepting gifts. I mean, I can do it just fine, but inside I always feel a little strange about people spending money on me. Basically, I'd rather be giving than receiving. And second, I feel a little guilty that he's buying me gifts when soon enough I'll have to break some upsetting news to him. The news that Andy is coming to visit. I just don't want him to regret buying me presents later.

So Rob ended up buying me a killer pair of grey suede boots--those high ones that go above the knee. They're flats so that I can at least wear them with him, short man that he is. Plus he bought me a nice black cardigan. It looks warm and cozy on me. I was happy to have new stuff. But I was almost happier about what HE got!

I suggested he look at men's clothes in one of may favorite stores. He hates to shop, mostly because he doesn't know how to pick out clothes. I gladly became his personal shopper! My favorite part is going into the change room with him. As he undresses I get to kiss his nice tight stomach and rub my face on his soft fur. I purr. He smiles. Then he slips on a shirt or a sweater and SHIT he looks so good in form fitting clothes!

What's neat is that it's so fun for me to pick out good clothes for him, and he leaves really happy, having had a painless shopping experience and clothes that he knows look good on him. Bonus: they were on sale.

gotta love a beagle

Charles Schulz must have owned a beagle. How else would he have known that endearing doggie personality to portray it so well? I have watched Charlie Brown Christmas since I was a little girl and I always loved this part. I can't help but think that it later influenced my decision to choose a beagle. Gotta love 'em.

guess who's coming to town?

Santa, of course. Then Andy! In January. It is going to happen. After 5 1/2 months of waiting, we will be together again. Instead of just talking to each other (and seeing via Skype), we can actually touch. I am so looking forward to that hug.

Thanks to Skype I have gotten to know Andy better, which was a definite goal of mine. The initial fantasy of quitting my job, selling the house and moving to California to move in with him and promote him as an artist has evolved into a mellower, OK, let's get to know each other a little first!

We skype every couple days, sometimes for hours at a time. Not that we say a whole lot. We often stare and smile (sounds a little retarded I know). Or one of us does stuff while the other one watches (ok, what are you thinking??). It's very much like living together. Like yesterday I rang Andy, and he proceeded to watch me paint my kitchen...for 4 hours.

He especially liked what I was wearing--black tank top and a pair of old black yoga pants that were very low rise and exposed my belly. So when I reached up to roll the paint onto the ceiling he made some interesting comments from across the room where his face filled my computer screen.

I know it sounds crazy. Everyone I tell this to thinks it's crazy that we spend hours just watching each other. But I tell ya, it's just really, really nice just to know the other is there.

And so he will be here in a few weeks. In my house, in my bed, in my arms. :)

the biggest chicken

OK. A friggin month went by and I finally got the nerve to bring up the safe sex topic with Andy. A shot of whiskey helped. What the frig is wrong with me?

I think it may have been just as awkward for Andy because he hardly said anything when I brushed on the topic. Maybe it was because he was munching the largest fuji apple in the world at the time. Or maybe it was cuz he felt as weird as I did. Maybe he's as chicken as I am to discuss the hard issues!

As we disconnected from our Skype conversation last night I could have kicked myself for not tackling this head on. I had planned it all in my mind. I had planned to say I was scared to approach the topic for fear of insulting him or that he would change his mind about coming for a visit. And I was going to tell him about my own issue. I was going to be compassionate and really mature about the whole thing, like a big girl should!

But I left it way too open-ended. I didn't state my request other than saying I would like some reassurance that everything's safe when we have sex. What I really wanted was for him to get checked for a few specific major diseases (and show me proof), but instead I let him off with a Sure, I'll go to the doctor before I come see you.

And by the way he is looking at flights for January, so I need to get my shit together!

the oral exam

One thing you should never do the night before a dentist appointment...give a blow job to a very horny man.

This stands as one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. And with just a little foresight I could have avoided it by just having sex. I hadn't seen Rob in about a week and he was pretty damned horny by the time I got to him.

When he's that hot he has a hard time controlling his movements, especially the closer he gets to orgasm. Well his excitement also drives me into my own frenzy where my pain sensors all turn into pleasure sensors, so I just keep going, no matter what. And before you know it my mouth has taken a bit of a beating.

It's not until it's all over that I realize I had better check for damage. My mouth certainly felt sore in a few spots, but I was relieved that there was no sign of injury. I relaxed knowing that I heal fast.

Well, I had practically forgotten about it until the next day when I opened wide for a dentist appointment and my dentist asked what happened and does it hurt.

Dreadful, just dreadful. I shrugged, thanking God that I couldn't speak with my mouth open that wide. I'm sure I turned red. I doubt my dentist believed me, and I wondered how many times before he'd seen the aftermath of over zealous oral sex. At least there's one oral exam I can pass.

letter to Rob

Hi hon...here's where I am. I feel like I am doing the right thing by spending more time alone. I have more time to think and do. I accomplish more and feel less stressed. This is not something that you caused, but I did it to myself trying to be with you most days of the week. I am actually kind of surprised at how little I feel I need from a man right now--I can't remember feeling this way in a long time. It seems like I'm more in control of my life, but who knows how realistic that is.

Anyway, I would like our relationship to be based mostly on friendship. I would like it to be kind of low key and light, not overly emotional. I can't say how many days a week I'll want to be together or how often I'll want to be intimate. I care about how you feel and I wrestle with guilt at what my changing needs have done/are doing to you. I understand that you have needs too, and if this becomes too difficult for you, I could lose you. I would hope that wouldn't happen, but I know that we've experienced such depth with each other that you may not want to "go backwards".

I haven't made any promises to anyone and I am still exploring different directions in my life. I don't want to give you false hope for a future together beyond a meaningful friendship. But I do not know what the future holds for me, in love, career, location, and especially when it comes to my feelings. Apparently I am still learning how to decide what I want.

I do love you and I'm sorry that my actions cause you pain.

dance of passion

Baryshnikov is such a beautiful man. I never forgot this incredible dance from the first time I saw it. It moved me way back in '85 when I barely knew the meaning of passion myself. Now I can only imagine what Baryshnikov must have been like in bed.

thankful

As shitty as things can get, through the highs and the lows and the everyday things we all take for granted, there's always plenty to be thankful for. I believe there's no better way to get more of the good than to recognize it though gratitude.

Here are some specific gifts that have presented themselves to me this year.

A FRIEND'S RECOVERY - My (former) boss and good friend beat cancer without having to go through chemo. He'd almost died twice while in the hospital. Not only did he conquer cancer, but he is feeling great and living life on his own terms. Woo-hoo!

PEACE - My house found peace once more. My oldest daughter Maria moved to her dad's in April. At first it was difficult to see it as anything other than a failure in parenting. But once my tears dried and the dust settled, Christie (my youngest) and I started feeling more comfortable, free and relaxed in our home. Also the distance between Maria and us allowed us to appreciate each other and develop new habits in our relationship. Maria is doing well.

CLARITY - I realized what I want in a relationship and for my life, in general. I also realized that it's not going to happen with Rob. I was able to tell him that and move forward.

INDEPENDENCE - My ex lost his job which meant that all child support payments stopped. I panicked at first, but somehow I'm making ends meet on my own. I love not needing him for anything. And I mean anything!

one shitty day

I should've known from the start it was gonna be a challenging day. Or maybe I decided it would be, and so it was.

I had gone to sleep last night thinking about work (overflow stress from the day). I proceeded to dream about work a few times during the night. Even the alarm woke me from a dream that I was trying to catch a subway train to my next destination, but missed it by a few seconds. I woke up tired as if I'd been working all night too.

Today work wasn't so bad really. It was manageable. My sister called me to ask if I knew what had happened to our dad. Apparently he got moved from the physical therapy center back to the hospital. She called the hospital and couldn't get any information because my uncle is the only proxy on file. That's all fine and dandy except that he, my uncle, is 85 and dying of bone cancer, recovering at home from some chemo gone bad. (Yes, we finally found out what's wrong with him.)

So, my sister had to call my uncle to find out what's going on with our father. He's been admitted to the psych ward because he had a reaction to the anti-anxiety drug they gave him. Oh shit, back on those again...that's how he ended up in the hospital in the first place! And to top it off, when my sister asked my uncle if she could help with some of Dad's care and making medical decisions, my uncle said, Oh no, we're handling that just fine. Like hell you are.

I also talked to Andy, but our conversation was a bit flat. Maybe because I woke him up and he was a bit hungover. Or maybe because I am getting annoyed that he still hasn't responded about what he wants in a relationship. I stewed on that all the way home in my car, so I betcha that's it.

I got home and the fact that my dog was following me everywhere was really annoying me. Get a life, for God's sake! (I'm so mean.) Christie was starving, and she reminded me several times as I raced around the kitchen trying to put together a Greek pizza. Meanwhile she's laying on the couch watching tv. That was annoying too.

And she asked if her boyfriend could come over tomorrow night. I said yes. Then she added Could you please not have Rob over then? I thought this was strange. I asked why. She didn't want to say, but eventually she got annoyed with ME for asking 3 times, and said Because I don't like him and I don't want Brad to meet him. That was REALLY annoying.

The clincher was eating dinner. My beautiful Greek pizza got picked apart until it was nothing but pizza dough and feta cheese. At the side of Christie's plate was a pile of red peppers, onions, spinach, kalamata olives, chicken breast...basically all the healthy stuff I'd put on it.

I packed it up and went upstairs to my room, fired up my laptop and now I'm ranting to y'all. I feel better already.

my cup runneth over

Oh boy. I mean, oh men. I feel like I've really got my hands full.

It's been a challenge this last week since Rob made the casual suggestion that I move in with him. It brought my emotion back to the surface (which I've struggled to keep in check) and we ended up spending quite a few nights together which in turn brought us closer.

Meanwhile Andy's in LA, not responding to my request for what he wants in a relationship, and being somewhat distant emotionally due to upcoming projects on his mind. So I let that cool for a few days. Till today. Then the tables turned.

Andy and I had a Skype call in which he was very attentive and brought back my smile (but still no list). While I'm Skyping with Andy, Rob calls on the phone, wanting to know when I'll be ready for "company". I told him I was just finishing up a call and then I'd be free. Later that night as we were falling asleep he told me that my comment about finishing up the call was a real jolt. He had almost forgotten about my thing with Andy and had hoped I had too. (NOT.) He feels that if we spend time together and share such closeness that it seems like I am all his again.

The truth is, that oftentimes when I am with Rob, I am completely into him. But when I am away from him for a bunch of hours, or especially days, I think less and less about him. My mind wanders to other activities, and love interests. It's always been that way with Rob, and I thought it was a sign that he was not the one. I hate to admit it, but it's true.

So, lots of heavy conversation ensued, and we came around to the same place we always do. He decides to think positive, stay in the moment and enjoy me while he has me. He stated once again--we are friends and lovers. Curious enough though, he is still talking about me moving in. And I got a little sucked into that fantasy over the last couple days.

Today at work I answered my phone. The first words I hear are I miss you so much oozing with sincerity and a little desperation. It was Andy. He proceeded to tell me how he had to tell another close friend all about me last night, how great it is to have me for a girlfriend, how good I make him feel. And how much it feels like it's getting closer to reality. He also said that he has to make the trip to me happen...soon.

Andy left me thinking of nothing (and no one) else the rest of the workday. He does that. He waltzes in and completely rocks my world. And apparently I rock his too.

On my 45-minute drive home I couldn't help but wonder if I am truly blessed or completely nuts for getting into this situation. And it's not even the first time. I have a history of being in love with 2 men at once. Why do I do this? I'm happy to have them, but I am scared of hurting them. The stakes are higher than I anticipated. They are both in love with me.

And by the way, no list from Andy yet.

what i need in a man

I gave Andy a task today. I asked him to give some thought to what he needs in a relationship. He has never voiced any of his needs, only his wants and dreams and lots of beautiful imaginary visions of us together. Which is wonderful, but...

Lately I have wondered if he really knows what he wants out of a relationship, or if he ever gives it any thought. So I asked him to get back to me on it. And I told him I'd do the same for him. At the very least it will help speed up this getting-to-know-you stage.

All day long I've been trying to encapsulate what it is that I want in a partner into a few simple words. Not so easy. But I'll give it a whirl here in blogland.

What I need in a partner:

• someone who can go deep with me - emotionally, mentally, spiritually - and challenge me
• someone who has a genuine interest in finding out who I really am
• honesty with a constant desire to keep it real between us
• to be adored
• a protector - stick up for me, hold me during scary movies, give me a kidney, whatever
• a kind, open-minded, upbeat, non-judgmental person
• a great lover who can be sweet, strong and an insatiable animal all in the same night
• someone who loves to touch me
• respectful of me and others
• loyal and dedicated to family, and to me
• someone who has had children
• accepting of my children
• non-smoker, in fact, not addicted to anything except me
• trusting enough to open up to me
• a confident man, but humble and imperfect
• dependable and responsible
• good sense of humor!
• healthy lifestyle
• someone with passion and a purpose
• someone I can learn from and grow with

And here are a few things that are extremely nice to have in a partner:

• good to look at
• common interests
• quality time together
• unjaded, able to love and trust freely
• money
• living close, or better yet, together
• someone as clean as I am
• intelligence
• patience
• a handy guy who will look out for me and my car/furnace/plumbing
• someone with good taste
• great communicator
• someone who knows me better than I know myself

bittersweet invitation

You know what? I could kind of strangle Rob right now. I'm a mixed bag of emotions.

In the midst of a casual conversation yesterday Rob suggested that I move in with him. That's right, me, my daughter and my dog (I presume) pack up and move into his house. Can you fuckin believe it?

I don't know whether to laugh, cry or hit him over the head with a frying pan.

It mostly makes me sad. Sad that he got the idea about 6 months too late. Sad that he finally feels that way and I don't. Sad that he is putting himself in such a precarious position knowing that I am in a relationship with another man. Is this a last ditch attempt at winning me back? Is he that out of touch with my reality that he thinks I would jump at his offer?

It was only 5 months ago he said he didn't want to come home to a teenager lying on the couch and crumbs on the kitchen counter. Is it because he soon realized his teenage son would be coming to live with him and so he might as well put up with my kid if he has to put up with his own? That seems a little too obvious. Though I must admit he doesn't have a mean or deceptive bone in his body.

I am touched and (only slightly) confused. A minute part of me wants to live out the dream, if only for a few moments--to feel what it would be like to take that all in, to let the dream unfold, to feel that loved by someone and that hopeful for a future with him. Not to mention how utterly convenient it would be for my finances.

But life over the last few months has led me to believe that I need and deserve a bigger life than this. I need to achieve more which means I must explore beyond the boundaries of this little town and the little man with the big, big love. It's not time for me to settle down with him, not now, and maybe never. I feel bad for him.

his body was mine

I had the most amazing sexual experience. I was in Rob's bed a couple nights ago. We were kissing and touching naked under the covers (my favorite cold weather activity).

I suddenly had a great idea. I asked him to lie on top of me, his back to my front. He was kind of heavy, but he's really not that much heavier than me, plus he's shorter, so our bodies lined up nicely. I was able to stay in that position for awhile...and let's just say I had really good access to all the right stuff.

Now if you don't know much about me, you must at least know by now that I adore the male body. I love it so much that I am unable to choose only one favorite part. I am obsessed with everything from armpits to the trail of hair down the stomach, not to mention balls, nipples, thighs and butts. Basically, everything male. And I've been told I handle myself quite capably when it comes to a man's body. It's been my passion for decades.

So, back to my great idea. Rob climbed on top and I immediately wrapped my arms around the front of him and ran my hands over his hard chest, down his stomach and beyond. I grabbed his cock with my right hand and jerked it without any hesitation, knowing exactly what was needed from second to second. My left hand ran from his nipple to his stomach and down to his balls. I closed my eyes and I felt for those moments as if his body was my own.

It was beautiful and sensual and hot. And he LOVED it.