a golden night

The party lived up to its fancy invitation, a square-shaped gold card encased in a transparent envelope also flecked with gold. CooOool...it prompted a quick rsvp from me.

I immediately thought of inviting an old best friend, Wendy, who I used to work with and was a great mentor to me. She lived in a town very near the party location. This would be a great excuse to finally get together after 2 years of drifting into our separate, busy lives.

We met on a nearby dead end street just before so that we could walk in together. We exchanged hugs, headed into the party while launching straight into marathon conversation about the happenings in our lives. Yakkity yak like there's no tomorrow...meanwhile we're in awe at the beauty of this estate where the party is being held.

Impeccably maintained, this mansion is a masterpiece inside, with winding staircases, gorgeous woodwork and inlaid wood floors, chandeliers, fancy furniture and stained glass curved windows...wow. All this set on who knows how many acres of manicured grounds, AND perfectly situated on the edge of the lake. And I musn't forget the food stations and free-pouring cab merlot. This was my kind of partay!

Too bad Wendy and I were absorbed in our own little world. We reminisced about our escapades working and behaving badly together. Of course we talked about our kids and the men in my life (not hers, she's still with her hubby). She asked all about Andy, plus I filled her in on Rob. She respected my confusion and never once tried to tell me what I should do.

Perhaps the best morsel I took away from this magical evening (besides a most delicious cupcake) was hope for finding a better work situation. She had reminded me of the way it felt when we'd worked together, when I worked for someone I respected and admired--someone who had knowledge and was willing to share it, to be appreciated and valued, and working together to accomplish great things, and to celebrate them together by closing the office early on a Friday afternoon and sharing a bottle of red wine.

I felt uplifted out of my recent career slump. Wendy had paid me compliments about how great I was at my job and assured me I would be able to find better job where I was appreciated, because employers need good people like me. She gave me something to aim for in my career. Perhaps I'll have the energy to start working on my resume again!

waking up to the lake

I survived the fireworks without any noticable injury. Conversation eventually gravitated toward more pleasant stuff and my mood lifted temporarily. We climbed back up the flights of steps in the dark and joined the other guests of the B&B around the campfire at the top.

Rob exchanged niceties with everyone while my head was heavy in thought. We didn't stay long. We went up to our room to do what we do best--make love.

Needless to say the sex was very emotional, and therefore intense. I had the pleasure of a major emotional and physical release, so I was able to sleep like a baby. The bed was pretty comfy too. You never know what you're going to get in these places. This one was good.

As the windows of our room faced east, we were awakened by the sun at 5:41am. Way too early to get up on a non-work day. I climbed out of bed and moved to open the door, allowing the sun and the lake breeze to kiss our naked bodies.

It was one of those heavenly mornings that touched all the senses--the warmth of the sun and tickle of the breeze, the smell of the lake, the sounds of the trees rustling, and when I managed to open my eyes I saw the reflection of sun off the water dancing like diamonds in rhythm with the waves. Rob and I drifted off for another hour and a half.

fireworks of sorts

Rob and I went away for the 4th of July. We hadn't been away together in a long time for two reasons: 1. because I'd been weaning myself of him in order to ramp up my relationship with Andy, and 2. because I had no money.

But once my visit with Andy was over I felt like I needed to spend more time with Rob. I think it was the first day after Andy flew back home that I'd emailed Rob and suggested we go on a getaway, just us two. I was surprised at how happy that made me feel.

I thought he'd want to go back to the inn where we'd had such an intense and romantic weekend last fall (because I have a voucher for a free night there), but he chose instead to foot the bill and go back to the Finger Lakes in New York where we'd been 2 summers ago.

We chose a B&B right on one of the lakes. It had a long staircase down to a dock which reached 80' into the lake. It was there that we had a big talk.

Rob must have sensed that my feelings for him had returned to their old fervor, maybe that's why he chose to push the issue. He asked what my intentions were with Andy, and with him. I was in my usual state of not being able to commit to anything concrete. That being said, Rob shared his feeling that he was now in a real quandary.

He had met a couple women that were interesting to him. Before he pursued either of them he wanted to know my true feelings. He said he'd hate to start up something with one of them and then find out that I had wanted him all along. I could not guarantee anything beacuse my feelings have changed so many times, I don't even trust them anymore. And if I can't trust my feelings, how can he?

I am going to LA to visit Andy in 7 weeks. I can't cancel my trip...I have too much invested, plus Christie is so excited about going there. There was only one way to respond to Rob. I told him I did not have the right to keep him from exploring other relationships. I felt a sinking feeling. I felt like it would really happen and I would feel abandoned, and very sorry.

I was sad. But I tried to be a big girl and put that aside so that we could enjoy the night. It was the 4th of July after all. As dusk came the colors of the lake turned pastel and soon it was dark. Campfires and red flares were lit all around the lake, in a ring of fire, and we had the best seats at the end of the dock. Some people lit off fireworks. Inside fireworks were blowing off in my head and settling like dark dust in my heart.

fight or flight

Turns out Andy wasn't upset with me at all (sigh of relief). He was fretting about work, or lack of it, and probably had bills piling up, and was feeling like his well of ideas had run dry.

However, the next day he had a meeting with a PR agency who was thrilled with his work and asked for many paintings to hang on its office walls. She wondered why he wasn't already rolling in dough and she assured him it would happen soon. Especially when her other clients (celebrities) came to the office and saw his work.

Then the following day Andy met with the owner of the high end clothing/home decor store where his work is on display. She loved the new work he brought in. She suggested he raise the price on all the new pieces and increase the % he gets. She was bursting with new ideas to promote him. So that, combined with the new PR chick telling him he was going to be rich really turned his mood around.

What I discovered about this experience is that Andy is a lot like me. We are usually feeling pretty good about ourselves, but when we take a dip, we are truly sunk until someone else's recognition of our talent/skill/worthiness pulls us out. It's not right, but we both need some validation by others to feel good about ourselves. I'd like to think I know better than to depend on others' opinions of me, but frankly, I still do.

We also both withdraw in times of trouble, and tend to live in our heads instead of talking about it with someone. The main problem with that is that we each overthink an issue and make it bigger and more intense than it really is.

This is a bad habit. The fact that we are both like this is going to be challenging, especially when the problem is in the relationship. Neither of us is much of a fighter, and maybe we both run a little scared, and are a bit oversensitive so we avoid conflict. (I know I do!)

That's one good reason that Rob has been good for me. He doesn't sit on anything for long. And he doesn't let me either! When he recognizes something's wrong he talks about it right away. He hands me a glass of whiskey and sits me down and pulls it all out. You laugh, but it works!

Andy panda

It was really weird yesterday. I thought Andy was mad at me or something. There was no email from him waiting in my inbox when I first came online. He always sends me something late at night. And I hadn't heard from him yesterday either.

So I called him at noon my time, 9am his. He answered, but his voice didn't get all smooth and melty when he heard mine. He said he was sketching...in bed.

He didn't say I love you today like he always does. His answers were short and to the point...no stories to tell, no boyish excitement. Where was my Andy?

I didn't dig for answers until later. We were on facebook chat and I noticed he kept putting periods at the end of all his responses. That I'd never seen before. What's he being so final about? I typed how are you honey? to which he replied pretty crappy--all these deadlines and stuff. I immediately wondered what stuff? But I didn't push it. What worried me most was when I typed I love you and got no response. Then my facebook froze up. So I don't know if he ever reciprocated.

I wasn't sure how to handle him. I have never seen him like this, so reserved and unenthused about stuff, and about ME. But I left my ego out of it and just told him what a beautiful and talented man he is. Still I worried about him the rest of the night, and wondered what he was thinking, and if I had anything to do with why he was sad.

a word from Andy...

Andy wished to submit this picture with the following comment: This is us last August.

a word from Rob...

I invited Rob to write a post to my blog. This is what he wanted to post first...

I love you
Sept 2006 to forever
Rob

dazed and confused

I had a mildly interesting realization yesterday. Always contemplating what motivates me to feel what I feel for Andy vs. Rob and why it keeps changing...

I think Rob represents what I am and what I need right now (comfort, security, sex, understanding, help with my house/car, a companion to hang out and do stuff with, stability) and Andy represents what I want to be in the next phase of my life (inspired, creative, taking on new challenges, change of job and change of scenery, social advancement).

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm strong enough to make such a big move (to California). Other times when I have accomplished something great at work, I think it's a fabulous idea.

Neither Andy nor Rob has all the qualities I need. And how I am feeling at any point during the day, or time of the month, can greatly influence who "feels right" to me. The fact that my feelings change like the wind is disturbing to me. Maybe I keep waffling because neither one is the one.

Could it be that this process is not nearing an end? Am I trying too hard to make one fit? I find myself feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted more often lately. even wonder if I'll ever be able to choose and be happy with one guy. Sometimes I just want to get off this crazy ride.

guest blogger?

My blog is a bit of a lifeline for me. I do like to write, and although I write a lot in my job, I don't get to write freely and express my SELF. The people closest to me know how much blogging is a part of me. It's the forum in which I can choose my own topic and blab on endlessly without seeing you fall asleep in boredom or roll your eyes. Yeah, I need to express my thoughts and feelings. But probably most important is that my blog is where I sort things out so that I can move forward.

Recently I had a wonderful idea. I have invited both my boys to write something for my blog. I thought it would be cool to see what they did with it. When I asked them, one seemed confused about what he should post. The other had so many ideas he didn't know where to start. Can you guess who is who?

And what do you think will they write about? Although they know that their identity will be protected on my blog, whatever they write will still be seen by me, so I suppose they will censor themelves to a degree. Rarely do I share my blogs with either of them, so I understand the sensitivity of it all.

But I really hope they both take the opportunity...so look out for my first guest blogger.

post-Andy

The May/June visit with Andy is now over. I spent the first 9 days straight with him, then had 5 off while he visited his family and I worked, and we spent the last 3 days together.

It seems like we had a lot of time together. A lot happened. My feelings went one way, and then another. I learned what I liked and didn't like. I learned some things about myself too. Therefore it was good. No, it was great. I got exactly what I had asked for...knowledge.

Things I'm sure of:

~ Andy is a very good person with honorable intentions

~ Andy and I both fit very well into each other's family

~ Andy loves me more than I love him, but I do love him

~ Andy has a weakness for food that I am uncomfortable with

~ I need to relax about some stuff

~ I enjoy being adored by him

~ Andy has a knack for getting very dirty with me...and I like it

Things I still need to figure out:

~ If I can be happy living without Rob in my physical world

~ If I'll feel financially secure with Andy

~ What it's like to live in Andy's world (and apartment)

~ If our sex life will be satisfying to me on a longterm basis

~ Who I want to be with

~ Do I really want to be married?

~ Why my feelings keep changing

I am looking forward to the next big step--going to Andy's home in LA in August. This should make things much clearer IF they're not in Andy's favor, and much harder a decision if all goes well. Is this crazy?

like home

After the clam incident I was feeling a bit disillusioned. Emotions were running high and I was wanting to set them loose.

Rob was waiting patiently to see me. I wanted to see him too. I called him and we went for a drive to watch the sun set. We talked so much as we sat in the car we almost forgot to catch the fleeting glimpse of the pink-orange sky as the sun disappeared.

I wanted to assure Rob of my feelings for him, and tell him a bit about my week with Andy without getting into too much detail. I still hadn't had time to reflect much on my time with Andy. We had learned a little bit more about each other, and I admitted that some of the reality was disappointing. I told Rob that I would not be moving to California unless there was a significant change in several areas. But I needed this week to do more analyzing. And lastly, I assured him that I'd practiced safe sex while I was away from him.

All the time Rob and I talked I could feel the sexual tension between us grow. This was a good tension, leftover from our midweek rendezvous which was so hot and full of emotion. Enough talking, time to get home to bed.

We came to my house for the night, peeled our clothes off and slipped into bed. The good energy flowed easily between us, and stronger as our bodies touched. Holding Rob close feels like home to me. I feel safe. And I know whatever he does will feel good.

He worked his magic on me and the floodgates came bursting open. Making love was heavenly. In fact, I'm sure God was in the room too, smiling.

the last damn clam

On Sunday I had to take Andy back to our hometown. I had to work the whole week ahead and he was going to visit family and friends. We were going to a surprise birthday party for his mom at his brother's house, but we stopped for lunch first. We each had a big lunch and Andy kept getting his coffee refilled to the equivalent of about 3 cups.

So we get to his bro's, and the relatives and friends start filing in one by one. His mom is surprised every time someone new comes in, and that is really the joy of the day, for me anyway. It's not that Andy I weren't getting along or I wasn't having fun. I find his relatives as interesting and wacky as he is.

But I'm sorry, I just have a problem with Andy's relationship with food. I know that being raised in an Italian family, food = love. But this seems extreme to me. He ate 3 heaping plates to my one. THEN the steamed clams came out. And he had 2 plates of those. THEN he went out to the grill where his brother was steaming them. Andy proceeded to eat them as soon as they came off the barbecue. I discovered this when he had disappeared and I went looking for him.

So I eventually say to him wow, do you think you've had enough clams, honey? And he kind of brushes me off. A few clams later I said really, Andy, can you please stop? This isn't good for you. He says OK darlin' and takes a break. No sooner he says that then he grabs another one. I walk back into the house. He doesn't follow.

I felt hurt. And not only because he thought so little of what I had said, and he blew it off, but because I see his excessive eating as a health issue. It's like an addiction--he can't control himself. He eventually wandered back into the house and asked if I was mad at him. I half jokingly ignored him and he followed me around and said he was sorry and that he loved me. He reminded me of a 5 year old. I knew he wasn't sorry, and he'd eat more clams as soon as they were ready.

All I could think about was him dying on me. In my heart I wanted to tell him I don't want you to die, but my mind told me to shut up becasue I was probably just being overemotional. I did feel sad and disappointed. I left soon after that and drove the hour + home in silence.

the little blue night

It was the last of our 9 consecutive nights together and I wanted to make it memorable. It was a hot night and we were alone.

Andy had sprung for the best steak money could buy and I was tending the grill. I asked if he'd like some wine. Nothing like a bottle of red to loosen and liven things up. We cracked open a merlot that tasted more like a cab, but it was hearty enough for the steak, which was absolutelyscrumptious.

The wine continued to flow after dinner too. Conversation got more interesting. I asked what he wanted out of life at 60. He answered that he wanted to make more money from his art and have someone to love and spend time with. We talked about our kids, our families, work, and sex. Basically it was the perfect start to a romantic night.

We moved upstairs to the bedroom. He said he was going to take a shower and he asked me to put on my new short black skirt. I received his approval when he returned to the bedroom. He removed everything but my skirt and couldn't keep his hands off me--I loved it!

As we were rolling around on the bed I murmured something like i could do this all night. He ran for the little blue pills he'd packed in his suitcase. He wasn't sure what effect they would have since he'd never tried one before. But we continued on. I think the fact that he anticipated a long, hot night of sex was probably enough to keep him hard mentally, but the pill gave him an added boost physically.

Also, the fact that I said I wanted to be dirty probably had an effect. He made me lay face down on the bed bent over the edge. He flipped up my skirt and started kissing my ass. Then he licked it until I stopped him. I made him stand up while I knelt on the floor. I grabbed his cock while I licked his balls. We climbed into bed, but the skirt didn't come along.

He started to tell me what to do to him and it stoked a raging fire in me. The more he made me do, the hornier I got and I wanted more. I just wanted to give him everything. I discovered that when he called me a good girl as I performed certain acts, it drove me absolutely wild. Although I wondered where the hell that came from, I didn't question it for long--it felt way too good to analyze.

That set the pace for the next hour as we got our fill of sex for the night. Well...almost.

big fun in the big city

Yesterday Andy and I headed into the city for a play day and night. I'd googled a few places we could go and things to see, then printed out a map ahead of time. That's me, the organized one. We had an uneventful drive there and I managed to find my favorite parking lot in a sea of traffic (yes, I have a favorite parking lot).

First thing we did was look for a good cup of coffee. Then we made a beeline for the biggest bookstore we could find. He was hoping for some inspiration for a new job he's working on. I was simply inspired by the zillions of one-of-a-kind books. Later we strolled through a famous shopping mall and he took my picture on the escalator. He said it looked like his favorite scene from "Breathless", a French film from the 60s that we'd watched on our 2nd night together.

Andy talked about his work and I listened, enamored. I do love to hear how his mind works, and I admire his business sense. As we walked by the Chanel perfume counter at Sears he asked the sales girl if there was a Chanel store in the city. (It's his favorite designer. No, he's not gay.) No sooner we were on a subway uptown.

I'd never been in a Chanel boutique before. It's like a friggin museum--one outfit hanging here, one over there. Some rare finds that I can honestly say I'd rarely wear. The price tags had commas in them, for God's sake! Needless to say, no sale was made to the poor but good looking couple.

We also walked though Tiffany's where, strangely enough, Andy asked me which rings I liked. Then through Cartier. It started to rain and we tromped through endless puddles while he carefully held the umbrella over our heads. It was a cozy little bubble in there. When we sat down to dinner I took my wet shoes off and he held my cold feet in his hands to warm them. I tucked my toes into the warmth of his crotch too. The food was awesome and hot, and it was great to relax and get warm and dry.

A sprint back to the parking lot to retrieve my car, and we drove to the concert hall. The place was kind of a dive, but there were comfy leather couches on the upper level (balcony) and we got pretty cozy there. We couldn't help but do lots of kissing during the opening band. At one point we noticed that we were the oldest people there. What would these youngsters think?!? But it was a cool crowd--all types.

I must admit it was a wonderful experience seeing Andy watch his new favorite band live for the first time. We shot downstairs where the sound was better and joined the crowd. The band was very tight and I ended up really liking them too. I pulled Andy close for a slow dance and as we kissed he sang into my mouth. His eyes were closed and our bodies moved together. The way he held me told me how much he loves me. I suddenly had a vision of how much it would hurt him to lose me and I tried to wash it away and go back to enjoying the moment. I remember thinking what a cool guy he is and what an honor it is to know him and be with him.

After the concert we got home in record time. Turns out there's no traffic at 1am! We dragged our asses into the house and got ready for bed. Tired as we were, Andy insisted on rubbing my feet before we went to sleep. Awwww. Sweet=Andy. It was a good day.

i'm bad bad bad

LA boy and I are slowly getting into the groove and I realize my initial freakouts were somewhat intensified by PMS. His afternoon napping was due to jetlag. But he still consumes food and drink at amazing speed. I have mildly panicky thoughts about how much this is costing me. OK, I need to adjust my thinking. And honor the 'getting to know you' process.

It's been a bit of a mental/emotional struggle all day. I am out of my comfort zone and longing for my blankie. Plus I'm missing sexual closeness and depth. Andy is very romantic and attentive, but does not have a need for deep conversation or the slow dance of seduction leading to a night of mind blowing sex.

Andy lies down for a nap and I go out to run a couple errands. All the time I have the perverbial angel on one shoulder begging me to be good, and the devil on the other shouting go for it! I decide to let fate decide.

I drive by Rob's house (around the corner) and agree that if the garage door is open and I see his car, I'll stop in. If it's closed, then I'll go home. Besdies, his garage door is almost always closed.

Today it was open.

I walk through the garage into the backyard thinking he'll be sitting on his deck. Nope. Up the deck stairs and I peek into his patio door to see him sitting at the kitchen table at his laptop. He's alone. I tap on the window. He turns to look and shakes his head, smiling. As he opens the door for me he says I was just emailing you. These things are never a surprise. We connect constantly.

In I go and we hug at first, then a kiss. He smells wonderful, musky. I said that I only had a few minutes then I had to go home for dinner. He leads me into his room and we get onto the bed. He rolls on top and when we're chest to chest the energy flows and infuses us. Ahhhhh...

Not wanting to wrinkle my clothes and mess my hair and makeup, I get off the bed. Rob's already naked. I ask him to sit on the edge of the bed and I use his jean shorts which have dropped to the floor, to cushion my knees. I slowly take the head of his cock into my mouth and we are both feeling heaven. It's like home. I take it all in little by little and feel myself getting very excited. It doesn't take Rob long to get close to orgasm being that he's waited about a week for me. When I feel it coming I brace myself for the load. No way I'm swallowing all this. He understands.

To the bathroom sink I go. Then dreading the thought of kissing Andy with Rob's cum on my breath, I vigorously brush my teeth. I give Rob a kiss and hug goodbye and leave him behind with a big smile and a satisfied cock.

About 45 minutes later as I am eating dinner with Andy I look down and see creases all over my knees from kneeling on Rob's shorts. I wondered how obvious that was to 'anyone' else or if Rob even noticed this as I was leaving his bedroom...!