alone time

Sometimes I just like to be alone. No men. No children. No relatives. No dog. Just me in my house for a whoooole day.

I like to putter, to rummage through boxes. I have a box with all my diaries in it from age 16 to age 40ish. I could spend a week leafing through those. But I don't.

I like to get my house clean and have no one else there to mess it up. I love to get stuff done that I never have time to get to otherwise.

I like to play board games by myself. I've played Life with all 8 cars, and Risk with all the colors--is it 6? This makes me feel like a nutcase but I don't really care.

I like to get as much stuff accomplished in a day as possible. That is anal, but it surely drives me and makes me feel good at the end of the day.

I like to get into my most comfortable clothes and lounge in my bedroom. Sometimes I read, sometimes I look at the tv (but rarely find something worth watching). Sometimes I get to go to bed early!

No man is an island, and certainly no woman is either, especially me. I'm just sayin...it's a relief to do what you want once in a while without regard for anyone else.

sentiment through song

Andy posted this song to my wall this morning, and I got all mushy inside.

You are a car
You are a hospital
I'd walk to hell and back
To see you smile
On saturday
You are a star
You are a sea of air
I play great keyboards
Of horses' teeth
On saturday
On saturday
I'd like to tell you
How I feel
I'll probably keep it'til saturday
Oh saturday, saturday

little eden

I love my garden this summer. This is my 4th summer in this house and finally my garden looks like something!

The hot reddish-orange flowers are crocosmia. I first saw one of these a few years back on a garden walk and it took my breath away! I finally found one and planted it last summer. It didn't do much, but most perennials don't perform in their first year.

The pink flowers are my hydrangea shrub, which was originally an Easter gift from Rob that I plunked in the ground to see if it would adapt. I think it's happy here.

My evergreen shrubs were new last year, so they're looking good too.

And last, but not least, is my yellow adirondack chair, hand painted by me last summer. I think it makes the whole porch. I love summer.

one insane moment of truth

I have been one emotional hot mess these days. I don't know if it's due to the incessant juggling of two relationships, or job dissatisfaction, or financial stress, or pms, or peri-menopause, or if I'm just a fucked up chick.

Here I stand, panicked in the middle of a self-manufactured chaotic existence. Rob has announced he thinks it's time to start dating other women since I can't commit to him, and he's tired of putting his life on hold. That rattled me, and I could kick myself because I've been encouraging him to do that all along. Now that he does it, I cave? Shame on me!

I know why it's happened though. During Andy's last visit I missed Rob terribly and realized he is my security, my best friend and soulmate. So I've since cooled my feelings toward Andy and have been spending oodles of time with Rob. I've reopened my heart to Rob and we've been experiencing some pretty wonderful moments and depth again. He senses my renewed love and maybe that's why he feels that now is the time to play his hand.

But I CAN'T stop him from dating someone else, because I can't cancel my trip to LA. I can't do that to Andy, but more importantly I can't do that to Christie. This is going to be the trip of her life! or at least of her teenage-hood. She is so excited. I wish some of that would rub off on me.

As I sit and cry in self pity, this is what I really wish I could say to Rob right now, and still feel this way in a week, a month, a year, and the rest of my days on earth:

I want to move in with you.
I want to make love to you forever.
Let's buy a house together.
I want to love you and take care of you like a wife.
I want us to build a life together.
Let's plan a trip.
I want your bed to be my bed.

What I really wish I could say to Andy right now:

I can't move to California because I can't live without Rob.
Please don't plan your whole life around me. It's too much pressure.
I'm sorry I led you on. It felt good to dream with you and you certainly filled my need to be desired, accepted and adored. I truly believed we could be together. But I have learned that our relationship is not as deep as I need a relationship to be.

I can only hope that my mind and heart find a way through this, with as little damage as possible to the innocent parties. Because I love them all. xxx

a golden night

The party lived up to its fancy invitation, a square-shaped gold card encased in a transparent envelope also flecked with gold. CooOool...it prompted a quick rsvp from me.

I immediately thought of inviting an old best friend, Wendy, who I used to work with and was a great mentor to me. She lived in a town very near the party location. This would be a great excuse to finally get together after 2 years of drifting into our separate, busy lives.

We met on a nearby dead end street just before so that we could walk in together. We exchanged hugs, headed into the party while launching straight into marathon conversation about the happenings in our lives. Yakkity yak like there's no tomorrow...meanwhile we're in awe at the beauty of this estate where the party is being held.

Impeccably maintained, this mansion is a masterpiece inside, with winding staircases, gorgeous woodwork and inlaid wood floors, chandeliers, fancy furniture and stained glass curved windows...wow. All this set on who knows how many acres of manicured grounds, AND perfectly situated on the edge of the lake. And I musn't forget the food stations and free-pouring cab merlot. This was my kind of partay!

Too bad Wendy and I were absorbed in our own little world. We reminisced about our escapades working and behaving badly together. Of course we talked about our kids and the men in my life (not hers, she's still with her hubby). She asked all about Andy, plus I filled her in on Rob. She respected my confusion and never once tried to tell me what I should do.

Perhaps the best morsel I took away from this magical evening (besides a most delicious cupcake) was hope for finding a better work situation. She had reminded me of the way it felt when we'd worked together, when I worked for someone I respected and admired--someone who had knowledge and was willing to share it, to be appreciated and valued, and working together to accomplish great things, and to celebrate them together by closing the office early on a Friday afternoon and sharing a bottle of red wine.

I felt uplifted out of my recent career slump. Wendy had paid me compliments about how great I was at my job and assured me I would be able to find better job where I was appreciated, because employers need good people like me. She gave me something to aim for in my career. Perhaps I'll have the energy to start working on my resume again!

waking up to the lake

I survived the fireworks without any noticable injury. Conversation eventually gravitated toward more pleasant stuff and my mood lifted temporarily. We climbed back up the flights of steps in the dark and joined the other guests of the B&B around the campfire at the top.

Rob exchanged niceties with everyone while my head was heavy in thought. We didn't stay long. We went up to our room to do what we do best--make love.

Needless to say the sex was very emotional, and therefore intense. I had the pleasure of a major emotional and physical release, so I was able to sleep like a baby. The bed was pretty comfy too. You never know what you're going to get in these places. This one was good.

As the windows of our room faced east, we were awakened by the sun at 5:41am. Way too early to get up on a non-work day. I climbed out of bed and moved to open the door, allowing the sun and the lake breeze to kiss our naked bodies.

It was one of those heavenly mornings that touched all the senses--the warmth of the sun and tickle of the breeze, the smell of the lake, the sounds of the trees rustling, and when I managed to open my eyes I saw the reflection of sun off the water dancing like diamonds in rhythm with the waves. Rob and I drifted off for another hour and a half.

fireworks of sorts

Rob and I went away for the 4th of July. We hadn't been away together in a long time for two reasons: 1. because I'd been weaning myself of him in order to ramp up my relationship with Andy, and 2. because I had no money.

But once my visit with Andy was over I felt like I needed to spend more time with Rob. I think it was the first day after Andy flew back home that I'd emailed Rob and suggested we go on a getaway, just us two. I was surprised at how happy that made me feel.

I thought he'd want to go back to the inn where we'd had such an intense and romantic weekend last fall (because I have a voucher for a free night there), but he chose instead to foot the bill and go back to the Finger Lakes in New York where we'd been 2 summers ago.

We chose a B&B right on one of the lakes. It had a long staircase down to a dock which reached 80' into the lake. It was there that we had a big talk.

Rob must have sensed that my feelings for him had returned to their old fervor, maybe that's why he chose to push the issue. He asked what my intentions were with Andy, and with him. I was in my usual state of not being able to commit to anything concrete. That being said, Rob shared his feeling that he was now in a real quandary.

He had met a couple women that were interesting to him. Before he pursued either of them he wanted to know my true feelings. He said he'd hate to start up something with one of them and then find out that I had wanted him all along. I could not guarantee anything beacuse my feelings have changed so many times, I don't even trust them anymore. And if I can't trust my feelings, how can he?

I am going to LA to visit Andy in 7 weeks. I can't cancel my trip...I have too much invested, plus Christie is so excited about going there. There was only one way to respond to Rob. I told him I did not have the right to keep him from exploring other relationships. I felt a sinking feeling. I felt like it would really happen and I would feel abandoned, and very sorry.

I was sad. But I tried to be a big girl and put that aside so that we could enjoy the night. It was the 4th of July after all. As dusk came the colors of the lake turned pastel and soon it was dark. Campfires and red flares were lit all around the lake, in a ring of fire, and we had the best seats at the end of the dock. Some people lit off fireworks. Inside fireworks were blowing off in my head and settling like dark dust in my heart.

fight or flight

Turns out Andy wasn't upset with me at all (sigh of relief). He was fretting about work, or lack of it, and probably had bills piling up, and was feeling like his well of ideas had run dry.

However, the next day he had a meeting with a PR agency who was thrilled with his work and asked for many paintings to hang on its office walls. She wondered why he wasn't already rolling in dough and she assured him it would happen soon. Especially when her other clients (celebrities) came to the office and saw his work.

Then the following day Andy met with the owner of the high end clothing/home decor store where his work is on display. She loved the new work he brought in. She suggested he raise the price on all the new pieces and increase the % he gets. She was bursting with new ideas to promote him. So that, combined with the new PR chick telling him he was going to be rich really turned his mood around.

What I discovered about this experience is that Andy is a lot like me. We are usually feeling pretty good about ourselves, but when we take a dip, we are truly sunk until someone else's recognition of our talent/skill/worthiness pulls us out. It's not right, but we both need some validation by others to feel good about ourselves. I'd like to think I know better than to depend on others' opinions of me, but frankly, I still do.

We also both withdraw in times of trouble, and tend to live in our heads instead of talking about it with someone. The main problem with that is that we each overthink an issue and make it bigger and more intense than it really is.

This is a bad habit. The fact that we are both like this is going to be challenging, especially when the problem is in the relationship. Neither of us is much of a fighter, and maybe we both run a little scared, and are a bit oversensitive so we avoid conflict. (I know I do!)

That's one good reason that Rob has been good for me. He doesn't sit on anything for long. And he doesn't let me either! When he recognizes something's wrong he talks about it right away. He hands me a glass of whiskey and sits me down and pulls it all out. You laugh, but it works!

Andy panda

It was really weird yesterday. I thought Andy was mad at me or something. There was no email from him waiting in my inbox when I first came online. He always sends me something late at night. And I hadn't heard from him yesterday either.

So I called him at noon my time, 9am his. He answered, but his voice didn't get all smooth and melty when he heard mine. He said he was sketching...in bed.

He didn't say I love you today like he always does. His answers were short and to the point...no stories to tell, no boyish excitement. Where was my Andy?

I didn't dig for answers until later. We were on facebook chat and I noticed he kept putting periods at the end of all his responses. That I'd never seen before. What's he being so final about? I typed how are you honey? to which he replied pretty crappy--all these deadlines and stuff. I immediately wondered what stuff? But I didn't push it. What worried me most was when I typed I love you and got no response. Then my facebook froze up. So I don't know if he ever reciprocated.

I wasn't sure how to handle him. I have never seen him like this, so reserved and unenthused about stuff, and about ME. But I left my ego out of it and just told him what a beautiful and talented man he is. Still I worried about him the rest of the night, and wondered what he was thinking, and if I had anything to do with why he was sad.

a word from Andy...

Andy wished to submit this picture with the following comment: This is us last August.

a word from Rob...

I invited Rob to write a post to my blog. This is what he wanted to post first...

I love you
Sept 2006 to forever
Rob

dazed and confused

I had a mildly interesting realization yesterday. Always contemplating what motivates me to feel what I feel for Andy vs. Rob and why it keeps changing...

I think Rob represents what I am and what I need right now (comfort, security, sex, understanding, help with my house/car, a companion to hang out and do stuff with, stability) and Andy represents what I want to be in the next phase of my life (inspired, creative, taking on new challenges, change of job and change of scenery, social advancement).

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm strong enough to make such a big move (to California). Other times when I have accomplished something great at work, I think it's a fabulous idea.

Neither Andy nor Rob has all the qualities I need. And how I am feeling at any point during the day, or time of the month, can greatly influence who "feels right" to me. The fact that my feelings change like the wind is disturbing to me. Maybe I keep waffling because neither one is the one.

Could it be that this process is not nearing an end? Am I trying too hard to make one fit? I find myself feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted more often lately. even wonder if I'll ever be able to choose and be happy with one guy. Sometimes I just want to get off this crazy ride.

guest blogger?

My blog is a bit of a lifeline for me. I do like to write, and although I write a lot in my job, I don't get to write freely and express my SELF. The people closest to me know how much blogging is a part of me. It's the forum in which I can choose my own topic and blab on endlessly without seeing you fall asleep in boredom or roll your eyes. Yeah, I need to express my thoughts and feelings. But probably most important is that my blog is where I sort things out so that I can move forward.

Recently I had a wonderful idea. I have invited both my boys to write something for my blog. I thought it would be cool to see what they did with it. When I asked them, one seemed confused about what he should post. The other had so many ideas he didn't know where to start. Can you guess who is who?

And what do you think will they write about? Although they know that their identity will be protected on my blog, whatever they write will still be seen by me, so I suppose they will censor themelves to a degree. Rarely do I share my blogs with either of them, so I understand the sensitivity of it all.

But I really hope they both take the opportunity...so look out for my first guest blogger.

post-Andy

The May/June visit with Andy is now over. I spent the first 9 days straight with him, then had 5 off while he visited his family and I worked, and we spent the last 3 days together.

It seems like we had a lot of time together. A lot happened. My feelings went one way, and then another. I learned what I liked and didn't like. I learned some things about myself too. Therefore it was good. No, it was great. I got exactly what I had asked for...knowledge.

Things I'm sure of:

~ Andy is a very good person with honorable intentions

~ Andy and I both fit very well into each other's family

~ Andy loves me more than I love him, but I do love him

~ Andy has a weakness for food that I am uncomfortable with

~ I need to relax about some stuff

~ I enjoy being adored by him

~ Andy has a knack for getting very dirty with me...and I like it

Things I still need to figure out:

~ If I can be happy living without Rob in my physical world

~ If I'll feel financially secure with Andy

~ What it's like to live in Andy's world (and apartment)

~ If our sex life will be satisfying to me on a longterm basis

~ Who I want to be with

~ Do I really want to be married?

~ Why my feelings keep changing

I am looking forward to the next big step--going to Andy's home in LA in August. This should make things much clearer IF they're not in Andy's favor, and much harder a decision if all goes well. Is this crazy?

like home

After the clam incident I was feeling a bit disillusioned. Emotions were running high and I was wanting to set them loose.

Rob was waiting patiently to see me. I wanted to see him too. I called him and we went for a drive to watch the sun set. We talked so much as we sat in the car we almost forgot to catch the fleeting glimpse of the pink-orange sky as the sun disappeared.

I wanted to assure Rob of my feelings for him, and tell him a bit about my week with Andy without getting into too much detail. I still hadn't had time to reflect much on my time with Andy. We had learned a little bit more about each other, and I admitted that some of the reality was disappointing. I told Rob that I would not be moving to California unless there was a significant change in several areas. But I needed this week to do more analyzing. And lastly, I assured him that I'd practiced safe sex while I was away from him.

All the time Rob and I talked I could feel the sexual tension between us grow. This was a good tension, leftover from our midweek rendezvous which was so hot and full of emotion. Enough talking, time to get home to bed.

We came to my house for the night, peeled our clothes off and slipped into bed. The good energy flowed easily between us, and stronger as our bodies touched. Holding Rob close feels like home to me. I feel safe. And I know whatever he does will feel good.

He worked his magic on me and the floodgates came bursting open. Making love was heavenly. In fact, I'm sure God was in the room too, smiling.