the last damn clam

On Sunday I had to take Andy back to our hometown. I had to work the whole week ahead and he was going to visit family and friends. We were going to a surprise birthday party for his mom at his brother's house, but we stopped for lunch first. We each had a big lunch and Andy kept getting his coffee refilled to the equivalent of about 3 cups.

So we get to his bro's, and the relatives and friends start filing in one by one. His mom is surprised every time someone new comes in, and that is really the joy of the day, for me anyway. It's not that Andy I weren't getting along or I wasn't having fun. I find his relatives as interesting and wacky as he is.

But I'm sorry, I just have a problem with Andy's relationship with food. I know that being raised in an Italian family, food = love. But this seems extreme to me. He ate 3 heaping plates to my one. THEN the steamed clams came out. And he had 2 plates of those. THEN he went out to the grill where his brother was steaming them. Andy proceeded to eat them as soon as they came off the barbecue. I discovered this when he had disappeared and I went looking for him.

So I eventually say to him wow, do you think you've had enough clams, honey? And he kind of brushes me off. A few clams later I said really, Andy, can you please stop? This isn't good for you. He says OK darlin' and takes a break. No sooner he says that then he grabs another one. I walk back into the house. He doesn't follow.

I felt hurt. And not only because he thought so little of what I had said, and he blew it off, but because I see his excessive eating as a health issue. It's like an addiction--he can't control himself. He eventually wandered back into the house and asked if I was mad at him. I half jokingly ignored him and he followed me around and said he was sorry and that he loved me. He reminded me of a 5 year old. I knew he wasn't sorry, and he'd eat more clams as soon as they were ready.

All I could think about was him dying on me. In my heart I wanted to tell him I don't want you to die, but my mind told me to shut up becasue I was probably just being overemotional. I did feel sad and disappointed. I left soon after that and drove the hour + home in silence.

the little blue night

It was the last of our 9 consecutive nights together and I wanted to make it memorable. It was a hot night and we were alone.

Andy had sprung for the best steak money could buy and I was tending the grill. I asked if he'd like some wine. Nothing like a bottle of red to loosen and liven things up. We cracked open a merlot that tasted more like a cab, but it was hearty enough for the steak, which was absolutelyscrumptious.

The wine continued to flow after dinner too. Conversation got more interesting. I asked what he wanted out of life at 60. He answered that he wanted to make more money from his art and have someone to love and spend time with. We talked about our kids, our families, work, and sex. Basically it was the perfect start to a romantic night.

We moved upstairs to the bedroom. He said he was going to take a shower and he asked me to put on my new short black skirt. I received his approval when he returned to the bedroom. He removed everything but my skirt and couldn't keep his hands off me--I loved it!

As we were rolling around on the bed I murmured something like i could do this all night. He ran for the little blue pills he'd packed in his suitcase. He wasn't sure what effect they would have since he'd never tried one before. But we continued on. I think the fact that he anticipated a long, hot night of sex was probably enough to keep him hard mentally, but the pill gave him an added boost physically.

Also, the fact that I said I wanted to be dirty probably had an effect. He made me lay face down on the bed bent over the edge. He flipped up my skirt and started kissing my ass. Then he licked it until I stopped him. I made him stand up while I knelt on the floor. I grabbed his cock while I licked his balls. We climbed into bed, but the skirt didn't come along.

He started to tell me what to do to him and it stoked a raging fire in me. The more he made me do, the hornier I got and I wanted more. I just wanted to give him everything. I discovered that when he called me a good girl as I performed certain acts, it drove me absolutely wild. Although I wondered where the hell that came from, I didn't question it for long--it felt way too good to analyze.

That set the pace for the next hour as we got our fill of sex for the night. Well...almost.

big fun in the big city

Yesterday Andy and I headed into the city for a play day and night. I'd googled a few places we could go and things to see, then printed out a map ahead of time. That's me, the organized one. We had an uneventful drive there and I managed to find my favorite parking lot in a sea of traffic (yes, I have a favorite parking lot).

First thing we did was look for a good cup of coffee. Then we made a beeline for the biggest bookstore we could find. He was hoping for some inspiration for a new job he's working on. I was simply inspired by the zillions of one-of-a-kind books. Later we strolled through a famous shopping mall and he took my picture on the escalator. He said it looked like his favorite scene from "Breathless", a French film from the 60s that we'd watched on our 2nd night together.

Andy talked about his work and I listened, enamored. I do love to hear how his mind works, and I admire his business sense. As we walked by the Chanel perfume counter at Sears he asked the sales girl if there was a Chanel store in the city. (It's his favorite designer. No, he's not gay.) No sooner we were on a subway uptown.

I'd never been in a Chanel boutique before. It's like a friggin museum--one outfit hanging here, one over there. Some rare finds that I can honestly say I'd rarely wear. The price tags had commas in them, for God's sake! Needless to say, no sale was made to the poor but good looking couple.

We also walked though Tiffany's where, strangely enough, Andy asked me which rings I liked. Then through Cartier. It started to rain and we tromped through endless puddles while he carefully held the umbrella over our heads. It was a cozy little bubble in there. When we sat down to dinner I took my wet shoes off and he held my cold feet in his hands to warm them. I tucked my toes into the warmth of his crotch too. The food was awesome and hot, and it was great to relax and get warm and dry.

A sprint back to the parking lot to retrieve my car, and we drove to the concert hall. The place was kind of a dive, but there were comfy leather couches on the upper level (balcony) and we got pretty cozy there. We couldn't help but do lots of kissing during the opening band. At one point we noticed that we were the oldest people there. What would these youngsters think?!? But it was a cool crowd--all types.

I must admit it was a wonderful experience seeing Andy watch his new favorite band live for the first time. We shot downstairs where the sound was better and joined the crowd. The band was very tight and I ended up really liking them too. I pulled Andy close for a slow dance and as we kissed he sang into my mouth. His eyes were closed and our bodies moved together. The way he held me told me how much he loves me. I suddenly had a vision of how much it would hurt him to lose me and I tried to wash it away and go back to enjoying the moment. I remember thinking what a cool guy he is and what an honor it is to know him and be with him.

After the concert we got home in record time. Turns out there's no traffic at 1am! We dragged our asses into the house and got ready for bed. Tired as we were, Andy insisted on rubbing my feet before we went to sleep. Awwww. Sweet=Andy. It was a good day.

i'm bad bad bad

LA boy and I are slowly getting into the groove and I realize my initial freakouts were somewhat intensified by PMS. His afternoon napping was due to jetlag. But he still consumes food and drink at amazing speed. I have mildly panicky thoughts about how much this is costing me. OK, I need to adjust my thinking. And honor the 'getting to know you' process.

It's been a bit of a mental/emotional struggle all day. I am out of my comfort zone and longing for my blankie. Plus I'm missing sexual closeness and depth. Andy is very romantic and attentive, but does not have a need for deep conversation or the slow dance of seduction leading to a night of mind blowing sex.

Andy lies down for a nap and I go out to run a couple errands. All the time I have the perverbial angel on one shoulder begging me to be good, and the devil on the other shouting go for it! I decide to let fate decide.

I drive by Rob's house (around the corner) and agree that if the garage door is open and I see his car, I'll stop in. If it's closed, then I'll go home. Besdies, his garage door is almost always closed.

Today it was open.

I walk through the garage into the backyard thinking he'll be sitting on his deck. Nope. Up the deck stairs and I peek into his patio door to see him sitting at the kitchen table at his laptop. He's alone. I tap on the window. He turns to look and shakes his head, smiling. As he opens the door for me he says I was just emailing you. These things are never a surprise. We connect constantly.

In I go and we hug at first, then a kiss. He smells wonderful, musky. I said that I only had a few minutes then I had to go home for dinner. He leads me into his room and we get onto the bed. He rolls on top and when we're chest to chest the energy flows and infuses us. Ahhhhh...

Not wanting to wrinkle my clothes and mess my hair and makeup, I get off the bed. Rob's already naked. I ask him to sit on the edge of the bed and I use his jean shorts which have dropped to the floor, to cushion my knees. I slowly take the head of his cock into my mouth and we are both feeling heaven. It's like home. I take it all in little by little and feel myself getting very excited. It doesn't take Rob long to get close to orgasm being that he's waited about a week for me. When I feel it coming I brace myself for the load. No way I'm swallowing all this. He understands.

To the bathroom sink I go. Then dreading the thought of kissing Andy with Rob's cum on my breath, I vigorously brush my teeth. I give Rob a kiss and hug goodbye and leave him behind with a big smile and a satisfied cock.

About 45 minutes later as I am eating dinner with Andy I look down and see creases all over my knees from kneeling on Rob's shorts. I wondered how obvious that was to 'anyone' else or if Rob even noticed this as I was leaving his bedroom...!

ask and ye shall receive

In my last post I expressed what I wanted to get from this visit with Andy. We got off to a strong start. He was waiting for me outside as I drove up in my car. He opened the car door and I leapt into his arms like a jack-in-the-box.

A string of kisses ensued and left me with a red chin. We stood back a few inches and admired each other's faces in what seemed like high def. More kisses...

He packed his luggage into my car and I drove us to the family party at his brother's house. What I enjoyed most about that party was watching Andy's respect for his relatives, especially the elderly ones. He first introduced me, of course, then he got them plates of food and asked them if they wanted to sit in the shade etc. I was impressed.

Andy and I sat under a shady maple and got bombarded by helicopters every time the wind blew. He quickly dove for the one that landed down my shirt. There was plenty of food, and drink. I nibbled while Andy feasted. On his way back from getting me a piece of pizza he ate a whole slice himself. No biggie, 'cept it was his 4th piece. Ahh, who's counting...

On the way home (to my house) we stopped at the grocery store. That was the first of 3 grocery runs in 2 days. He seems to love to eat. Anytime, anything. Lesson one: he has little sense of routine. It's making me a little anxious. I also have Christie to feed and it's hard enough keeping a teenager on schedule. Now it's like having a teenage boy too, eating like it's a free for all. And the boy can eat.

I noticed that Andy's pleasure center is his mouth. He has a very sexy mouth and he knows how to use it. Perhaps from excessive practice because he keeps it so busy. When he's not eating me, he's looking for food or drink. It goes down fast and in large volume. OK, so I might be able to get used to some of that. But the clincher was when he lay down for a nap right after eating a sausage on a bun...at what I considered to be an hour before dinner.

I am somewhat health conscious. Lesson two: he does not seem to value his health. At dinner when he ate the crispy chicken skin after I told him how bad it would be for him, I thought we were going to have our first fight. He chuckled and thought that was cute. That's when I told him SERIOUSLY that I value good health and it's important to me that he does too.

Feeling a little crazy on day 2...

andy eve

Andy flies in late tonight and I won't see him till tomorrow. As I get ready to fall asleep on this last night of waiting I decide to pull myself out of thoughtless excitement and create some direction for myself.

I stop and sort of talk to God for a moment, asking for this visit to show me the things I need to see...to give me the strength to initiate the conversations that will help us learn more of what we need to know about each other. I make a vow not to be on my best behavior, so he can see it like it is. And I hope he does the same.

I secretly hope we can be more comfortable sexually with each other. I definitely need to learn how to touch his cock in order to get him off. And I'm sure he'd like to get me off too. We're still playing on a restricted playground, however. Until I can be assured that he has a clean bill of health (sexually) we will continue to use condoms. I won't risk Rob's health. But we should have some fun with the available equipment.

OK, gonna try to go to sleep now. Tomorrow's a big day.

security blanket

Andy will be here in less than a week.

Rob and I just had a weekend filled with that 'can't get enough' kind of sex. We, or I should say I, felt compelled to open up emotionally too, and in doing so Rob and I got closer again.

Needless to say I feel somewhat conflicted when this happens, loving 2 men at the same time. Rob understands that I have chosen to pursue a future with Andy and he accepts that. And I am excited about the prospect of being with Andy. Yet I can't seem to stop seeing Rob. Even when he's given me the freedom to end our relationship at any time without guilt or anger.

I feel like a fool. I do pretty well without him for about a week. Then I crave his body and the feelings he brings me. I also miss talking to my best friend. Rob is like my blankie. His dick is my pacifier.

However, I am not panicking in my confusion. I am allowing time to let life unfold. I may not understand it all now, but much later I will look back on this whole experience and see the perfect order of things.

to live or not to live...together

As I sit and watch Andy paint over Skype, I think I can't wait to live with him. I watch the muscles of his forearm flex as he paints and he looks so sexy when he's concentrating, standing back from the painting with the brush between his teeth. When I live with him, I can do more than just look. I can touch too!

From where I sit, everything he does is adorable. I am easily caught up in the idea of living together. To have him close every morning and night. To make meals together, go places together and laugh so hard my abs get sore. He'll make us happy--Christie and me.

And then my brain kicks in and I feel afraid. It's been 3 years since I've lived with a man. What if I've forgotten all the reasons that I shouldn't do it? Will I miss my alone time? Will his messes annoy me? Will his lovemaking be good enough? Will he be financially responsible? Will he do something that completely shocks me (in a bad way)?

The struggle between my heart and my brain can only be quelled by one thing (well maybe two...sex is always a remedy). Something my mother once told me when I couldn't choose between two juicy job offers made a lot of sense to me then, and it still does today. I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before: Nothing has to be forever.

Ah, the art of changing your mind. It's every woman's prerogative, right? However, moving oneself and one's teenage daughter 2000 miles away comes with a fair bit of risk. It's not like I can just shoot back home if things don't work out. Thinking about it kind of boggles my mind at times. Other times, I think what the hell, go for the adventure!

The truth is, I'm a long way from a decision. Maybe next week...HA!

10 days till top 10

Andy my love will be here soon and I'm already dreaming about what I want to do with him. In no particular order:

1. Dance with him in the kitchen - God, that was so romantic last time.


2. Smell him.


3. Wake up and realize he is right next to me in bed.


4. Surprise Christie with her autographed Nick Jonas pictures.


5. Watch Jerry Maguire with him and tell him I want to be his Marcy Tidwell.


6. Feel the soft fur of his stomach on my face.


7. Lick his balls.


8. Meet his whole family and have him fawn over me in front of them.


9. Stare at every feature of his gorgeous face without it being all pixellated.


10. Go shopping and try on all the clothes he picks out.

late night snack

I had the most delicious booty last night. I'd worked a full day at one of our sites 2 hours away, and all the way home I wrestled with thoughts of calling Rob.

Rob and I recently agreed that we want different things from each other. He has accepted the fact that I have chosen to pursue life with Andy, not with him. He had hoped that we would at least be lovers up until the time Andy and I can be/live together. And I thought that would be possible.

But the last few times Rob and I had been together I did not feel romantically attracted, and he ended up disppointed and lonely. I had hoped we could just hang out and be friends. Rob said he didn't know how to do that--he only knew how to love me. So it was our deal that he would only call me if he wanted a friend, and I would only call him if I wanted his love.

Days had gone by. Not even a week. And here I was having visions of him standing naked over me. It had been too long since I touched a man's body and I was starting to miss its hardness, its smell and taste. I'm thinking what the hell is wrong with me?

The answer? Ovulation.

I got home and tried to distract myself with unpacking my suitcase, walking Snoop, showering, getting ready for bed, even blogging. And I was successful to a point--I didn't call him.

Instead I drove over to his house at 10pm, tiptoed inside, and slipped into his bed. He instantly rolled on to me and our bodies found their way back into a familiar groove. I liked it dark so that I didn't have to look him in the eye. I just wanted to take his body.

I grabbed his firm ass and ground myself into him. I dove into his armpit. God, he smelled good. I tasted his nipples and sent him reeling. His cock was deep inside me before I could go down on him. Everything felt so intensified--it was super delicious. And I did get a nice mouthful later. Plus he got me off in 5 minutes flat. I apparently needed that.

Man oh man, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to live without such fantastic sex...?

no, i'm not fishing

I like when people tell me good things about myself. I mean people that don't have to. Like people who aren't family members or lovers or best friends. When it comes from someone you're not all that close to, it seems more meaningful, or at least you more likely to believe it's true.

A few years ago a woman at work whose name I didn't even know commented on my smile , saying how pretty it was, as we walked past each other in the hallway. It was as if my smile struck her to the point that she just had to say something. Isn't that cool? I was flattered, and as you see, I still have not forgotten that moment. I think it made me appreciate my smile more after that.

A couple weeks ago while Christie and I were eating dinner, she looked over at me and said Mom, you're pretty. Getting that kind of compliment from your 14-yr old daughter is like a once in a lifetime event. So sweet she is, but still she didn't have to say it. She wasn't buttering me up. But again, it made me happy.

Lately a few people at work have remarked how good I am at certain aspects of my job. What I really liked about that was that I had been feeling unsure about those abilities. Kind of weird that they saw it so much differently than I did. It was a confidence booster.

All this reminds me that when we notice something outstanding, or even good, about a person we should share it with them. Most people probably figure that others already know those things. But we can't assume that they know. Chances are no one has ever said anything, and what a waste that would be.

It's so easy to make someone feel wonderful, for a moment, or even for a lifetime. You never know what people might be needing. It takes so little and gives so much. Just by telling the truth.

The best things in life really are free. I love that!

always a bridesmaid

It happened again. One of the girls in the office came in to work all peachy this morning, chatting about the house that she and her boyfriend put an offer on. It was only a year ago that I had to hear about them moving in together. And a month ago about how they bought a motorcycle together.

Every time I hear stories in the office about relationships moving forward I get envious, and sad. I think 'why can't this happen to me?' I feel like I've been waiting for so long.

With Rob there were so many reasons why we had to take it slow. Look where that got him. Andy moved into my life and dropped hints about giving me his last name on that first night we got together. Reeled me in, hook, line and sinker. But he does live 2000 miles away. Our relationship is moving forward but these things take time...

In the meantime I miss him. I miss living in the same house with the man who loves me. I miss being a family, taking care of my partner, and him taking care of me. I miss having someone to lean on, a man to kill spiders in the house of girls, to pump the gas and open jars for me.

It's time. Time for a man to join in this family.

dinamo set free

I've had an epiphany. Drinking is good for me! Last night I had the most fun I've had by myself in like...forever!

Celebrating the fact that it was Friday after having worked 11 days straight, I bought a bottle of one of my favorite reds on my way home. When Andy unexpectedly got tix to a concert tonight and I realized he wouldn't be skyping me, I decided to have a concert of my own.

I thought I'd get into my jammies, open the wine (I love that 'glug, glug, glug' sound when you first pour!), and pop in an Elton John Dream Ticket dvd, all in the peaceful surroundings of my bedroom. And that's what I did.

But it wasn't peaceful for long. Before you know it I was hoppin and boppin to the crocodile rock. OK, so I was really feelin the music. You know how they say dance like no one's watchin? Well, no one was watching, so I really let loose. And then I turned the volume up and thought I might as well go all the way in this private party of mine and sing too. Hell, I grew up listening to Elton John, so I know practically every word.

I do not recall being in such a good mood as I was last night. Plus I got quite a workout and had lots of creative ideas. I'm thinking this wine thing is a positive influence on me. I should do it more often.

I felt more confident, sharper, alive, and definitely happy. It's like the alcohol allowed me to tap into a lot of good stuff that's been hiding beneath the surface. It created a newer, better version of me. And I think I like me better that way!

super night at the supermarket

During tonight's trip to the grocery store I got more than I bargained for. The amazing specials that filled my cart paled in comparison to the reactions I got as I ran into not one, but two, old friends! (No, I wasn't dressed like this, but isn't it a great pic? I just had to use it!)

The first one, Brett, was an old business partner from a previous life whom I hadn't seen for about 4 years. Last time I saw him was at the party of a mutual friend. It was an awkward moment. As soon as I had finished bubbling over about my newfound freedom (from my dreadful marriage) and asked how Annie (his wife) was, he announced that they had recently separated. Ugggghh. What the hell do you say after that?? I had quietly slipped into the other room...

Well, that moment was long gone today as he was all smiles, proud to say that he'd just had a few beers in order to be able to stomach the chore of grocery shopping. He did a lot of laughing as he told me what he's been up to and then invited me to look him up on facebook. Looks like I've gained a new (old) friend.

No sooner did I end that reunion when I ran into an old neighbor in the next aisle. He had lived 3 doors down from me when I was married and raising the girls. Our daughters used to play together until his bit mine....hard. We didn't talk about that. Anyway, I hadn't really chatted with him since my ex and I had split. It was nice to see that he was still friendly. You never know what judgments people make when a couple that they've been friends with splits up.

It was nice to get such a warm greeting from both those old acquaintances. I guess it makes me feel validated, and accepted.

3 weeks to andy

Yes! He's coming back to see me! When Andy left at the beginning of February, he knew he'd be back end of May to see his mom celebrate her 80th birthday (that woman looks way too good to be 80!)

The last 3 months went so fast I didn't think about it much. I was so friggin busy at work until now, plus I went through that whole funk in early April. Car shopping, worrying about my financial situation and feeling like crap, I just didn't seem to have much time to think about Andy's return. But now that it's less than a month away, with all that shit behind me and good weather here, I am starting to get really excited.

He's staying almost 3 weeks this time. Not only will he be here for his mom's birthday, but he'll be here for Christie's 15th birthday too. And it just so happened that last week he got 2 autographed pictures of Nick Jonas for her! He got them from a producer of a show that Nick was on a few weeks back. By a fluke he met him at a party one night.

Christie is going to go absolutely insane. I can't wait till he gives them to her! Is he incredible or what??!! I'm also trying to wait until her birthday to tell her that I have booked our trip to LA in August. I love to excite my kids! It's gonna be so much fun seeing her freak.

But besides what Andy's visit is going to do for Christie, I am excited about what it's going to do for me, for Andy, for our relationship, and all of our lives. We're continuing to take it one step at a time, spend days upon days together, in an attempt to know each other better and feel this whole thing out.

I like that we talk about life together, from everyday mundane things to how we're going to spend our millions. I look forward to touching his face, sleeping against him, seeing him unpixellated, cooking with him, laughing with him, listening to him say beautiful things to me, and furthering our lovemaking.

While I would really like this to grow into something beautiful and doable, I don't have everything hanging on this dream...yet. However, the closer Andy and I get, the bigger the dream becomes and the bigger the decisions to be made.