I did it

I'd been waiting for the conversation to come up for weeks. I'd been thinking about doing it for months, but needed to test my feelings a while longer. Last night it finally happened.

It was last August when I had that painful conversation with Rob. I levelled with him about my need to explore more options, more relationships. I'd been separated about a year and a half and had only had 2 real relationships (Cam and him) since my split. My feelings for him had grown so strong that it scared me in a way. I felt inclined to back off a little and to test the relationship. Was I really seeing this straight? And although he was wonderful in so many ways, there were still a few characteristics I felt I wanted in a partner that he simply could not provide.

There was a 3rd issue that needed attention too. My previous relationship with Cam was still wreaking some havoc with my mind and emotions. I was unsettled with how that had ended and wasn't sure if that door was completely closed or not. Regardless, I knew I had to take care of that for once and for all. In fact, it was Rob who encouraged me to do whatever I needed to in order to come to terms with Cam. And I did, but that's another long story deserving of its own post (or 7).

Looking back, Rob and I had spent more quality time together than in any relationship before. Our history was rich and we'd been completely honest about everything right from the start. We had a very strong foundation that had started as a friendship and grown into a deep, romantic bond. The sex was mind-blowing to the point where we'd enter a new dimension once our bodies touched. It was bliss. The hours we spent talking and touching...we were in our own world.

But when we were apart, I'd get a gnawing feeling. Something was telling me that I had something more to experience outside this relationship. So we tried to break up in order for me to fulfill this need. I tried to spend more time alone at home, sleeping solo, not talking to Rob everyday (sometime for days), not seeing him. I think I could have handled it longer had he not stopped by one day when he saw me in my front yard as he was driving by. He stood in my driveway like a lost soul, tears in his eyes, saying I can't do this. I just had to see you.

And so our relationship evolved into "dating" each other with the understanding that we could also date others; however, we would be sexually exclusive. If either of us got involved with someone else and thought we might want to become intimate with that person, we agreed we'd have a new discussion.

And so we never had to have that discussion. The only other date I had was my time spent with Lee. See Part I and Part II of the Lee story. That experience left me feeling stronger about my bond with Rob. Rob is so real. He pretends nothing. He's not all that polished and glamorous and wordly. But when I'm alone with him he treats me like a goddess, he adores me and he knows exactly what to do to reach my heart. He's genuine. Rob is everything good.

Since my escapade with Lee there have been no other men. And I've not desired anyone. However my desire for Rob remained alive and kickin'. About every month or two the conversation would come up about the state of our relationship. Basically he wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling, and if I was ready to commit. That is what he wanted, but he would not ask for it. He understood I needed to arrive there completely on my own.

It's not that I didn't want to give him all my love, and my future, but I was afraid that someday I might change my mind again. If I committed, I wanted it to be my final decision. I needed to be sure that I'd not have to do that to him ever again. That's not who I wanted to be, nor could I bear the thought of dragging him through that pain again. So I declined the commitment time and time again and just kept on loving him.

Anyone who's followed my blog knows my feelings for Rob and that I've even been fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with him. What I've learned in the last few months--with my boss/friend's illness, my stressful work situation, challenges with my daughter Maria--is that Rob is a very healing person for me. He has stuck by me in times of personal crisis, when there was seemingly little in it for him. He allowed me the freedom to explore other relationships whereas any other guy would have said get lost and run the other way.

I believe that Rob loves me more than anyone else on this planet. Life is too short to putz around with superficial people or things. When you watch a friend suffer, almost die, you see life much more clearly. You realize that true love and companionship are so important. They're just about all that matters when it comes down to it.

Not a day goes by that I don't appreciate the love around me. Rob is love. He's never been anything else. I am the one who's been unsure of who I am and what I want. Until now. Now I know. I committed to Rob last night. I told him that I want him, and only him.

He did not jump for joy. In fact he made a joke about the gun law, which at first I didn't get. Then I realized it was about giving me 2 weeks to be sure I really wanted this. I told him I didn't need 2 weeks, that I'd been thinking about this for months.

His reaction was disappointing. I would have preferred him wrapping his arms around me and telling me how much he loves me. But I understand that from his point of view, he is a bit gun shy (sorry, the pun just fell into place there). It will take some time for him to trust and feel secure in this relationship again to the point that he and I can start talking about our future together.

newest celeb look-alike

American Idol Season 8 rising star Danny Gokey (above) is a dead-ringer for one of my favorite HOT HOT guys Robert Downey Jr. (right)

Whaddya think?!?!

Mmmmmmm...look what I found! RD Jr. in bed, ooooh baby.

OMG in FLA

This is the coolest story from my trip to Florida. I couldn't wait to tell my family when I got home. I knew it would give them goosebumps.

Before Rob & I went to Florida together, I collected visitor's guides and did my usual research to familiarize myself with the area. I do this so that I can maximize our time and money while we're away, since we don't get away very often. This sure beats driving aimlessly looking for restaurants or hot spots to visit.

We were headed to Sanibel/Captiva Island on the last leg of our Florida trip. The island's guide that I ordered listed all the places to eat and described them, their menu, pricing etc. I came across a restaurant called Gramma Dot's. Well, they could have served pig's feet and tripe for all I cared, but I knew I had to go there. Dot was my grandma's name, and she had died only the year before.

Lucky for us, the restaurant served great seafood and just happened to be situated on one of the most exclusive yacht club's on Sanibel. It was beautiful there, and the day couldn't have been lovelier. See the pretty boat? (I am not a boat person, but she sure is purty!)

OK, so I'm all excited that I've found this treasure of a restaurant, and feeling all warm and fuzzy remembering Gram and how I was absolutely convinced that I was her favorite grandchild (of 6). She had a knack for making me feel special.

As we walk up the path to the restaurant we see this funny little figure sort of standing guard at the entrance. I remember thinking how neat that guy would look in my garden with his yellow rain gear and all.

We get a little closer and I stopped dead in my tracks. I don't know which came first, the goosebumps or the tears welling up in my eyes. I stand for a moment and stare. Rob stops too, wondering what has come over me...

There, painted onto the little figure's cap was his name, Capt. Gill.

Gil was my grandpa's name, Dot's husband of 60+ years. He'd died a few years before she did. He'd been the first close family member to die and we all missed him.

I couldn't believe my eyes. And I felt so blessed at the same time. I felt like they were saying hello to me from the great beyond.

I seriously considered snatching Capt. Gill, tossing him into the trunk of the rental car, and speeding off. However, I would have had to buy another plane ticket to get him all the way home.

for love or money?

So I decided to spend the day with my older daughter Maria. Here it was a holiday, no work for me, and she had no school. I could have done something completely for myself, but I thought it would be a nice opportunity to spend some quality time with Maria. Our relationship has been challenging from the beginning, but especially in the last few years since her dad and I split. She blames me for everything that's wrong in her life, and in her dad's.

Maria was agreeable to spending the day together since I was planning on going to visit my mom, an hour's drive to a larger city, with better shopping. Did I mention that shopping is Maria's favorite pasttime? Maria said she wanted to check out a prom dress she'd seen online. Did I also mention that she does not have a job? After I made it clear that I had about $70 to contribute towards a dress, she seemed to understand that she may not be able to buy one today, but was still willing to go look. She did have some money of her own that she'd recently earned babysitting. Did I also mention that she still owes me $150 that she borrowed to buy Christmas presents?

Now, granted, I don't generally have money issues. But I sort of do, in that I am somewhat frugal. And I do believe that kids should not be handed money for everything they want or they will never be inspired to work or to value the things they do have. PLUS, I am now a single mom, completely responsible for ensuring that I have enough funds to provide the essentials for my children and myself. A prom dress at $300 does not fall into the essential category. However, to my daughter, it does.

OK, so we're at the store and she finds a dress that looks stunning on her (which is not difficult because she's simply beautiful). But the friggin thing is like $300. I realize it's a bit better quality than previous dresses she's worn. (Did I mention that she's been to every prom and every semi-formal and spring dance since she started high school 4 years ago, and has had to have a new dress for all but maybe 2 of them which she decided to borrow from a friend?) And yes, the dress is beautiful on her. I wanted her to have it.

But I had a budget. And she had some cash. So, I agree to hand over my cash and even a little more if she can get a commitment from her dad to cover the remainder. She assures me he will commit. But when she talks to him on her cell, he says sorry, I just don't have the money.

So who's the bad guy? Me, of course!

We leave the mall and go to my mom's where Maria proceeds to sit on the couch with her coat on, not saying a word. I'm thinking, she's acting like a 2 yr old. I thought we'd covered this whole situation before we left the house and here we are, she's trying to manipulate me into buying her that dress. And of course, now I'm pissed.

But I continue to chat with my mother who I see only once or twice a month. Everytime Mom leaves the room, Maria asks can we go now? And I say no. Well, a lovely visit that turned out to be.

Eventually we leave, and it's a long, quiet ride home. Maria won't talk to me. I know it's not really about the money. What she's angry about runs so much deeper than that--something we've talked about so many times but cannot solve because she is not ready to let go of her anger. But money is the easy excuse.

I am driving along feeling mad, sad, disappointed, cheated, exhausted and fearful this cycle will never end. I truly feel for her, what it must be like to be denied a beautiful dress, and to feel like she has no control over getting it. But her behavior is inexcusable. I want to tell her I WILL NOT BUY YOUR LOVE. I will not be treated like this. You're only nice when you want something from me. That's not how I raised you. And I am angry at you for playing this game.

There was no thank you when I dropped her off at her boyfriend's house. I went home and I cried.

$1,000,000 (or more)

Isn't it fun to think about what you'd do if you came into a ton of money all of a sudden? Last week, when I was feeling a bit depressed, I picked up a piece of paper and made a list of all the people I'd like to bless with "my new fortune".

My ailing boss was the first to come to mind, I thought I'd throw him $50,000 so he wouldn't have to worry about making mortgage payments while he's going through his chemo treatments, unable to work. I would hope there'd be some extra that he could send his son and grandson who live across the country. They've only been able to visit him once since the onset of his illness because they are struggling financially. I'd like my boss to be able to see the 2-yr. old grandson he so adores, to bring him pleasure while he's recovering.

CJ would also get $50,000. He used to be a teacher, and that's what he truly wants to return to. For the last few years he's been installing floors for his brother's business. Due to reasons beyond CJ's control, there is little work anymore and he's scraping. I'd like to ease the load for him so he can go back to school to regain his teacher's certification.

Believe it or not, I'd give my ex $50,000 too. Although he did a lot of things I did not like, he did a lot of things right too. And one of them was being a provider. So I think I'd honor him with a monetary gift. Also it may show him once and for all I'm not nickel and diming him and that I'm not the evil person he thinks I am. Or maybe it would be really funny if I gave him one nickel and one dime.

My girlfriend (former co-worker that I carpooled with daily until she got laid off) was also on my list. She plays the lottery religiously and always said she'd take care of me if she won a million. So I'd give her $50,000. I hope she wouldn't be disappointed.

Let's see...my daughters get a bigger chunk of my windfall. Maria would get an immediate $5,000 for clothes (should hold her over for a month) and a brand new (modest) car. I'd deposit $100,000 in a bank account for her, not to be touched for a time period. I don't believe in handing over loads of money to my children. I wouldn't want to rob them of the opportunity to learn how to earn it themselves, and the satisfaction and confidence to control one's own future that working brings.

Christie would get some cash up front too, but she doesn't really like shopping much. Too young to drive, so I'd throw $125,000 in a bank account for her.

My mom and sister would each get $50,000. I want my mom to be able to take that trip to the Amalfi Coast that she's been wanting for the last decade. My sister needs to get out of her marriage and needs some cash flow to go full force into her new business. How fun it is to ease peoples' lives. I LOVE THIS!!!!

Rob, my lover and best friend...I'd give him $100,000 as a token, but he really doesn't need much to live on. And since I plan to be with him on a permanent basis, we should share in my riches, my riches are his riches.

Let's see, is there any left? I'd like to have a pocket full of $100 bills to hand out randomly when the desire strikes me. I do like to shop, but seldom take the time to do so. Plus I'm pretty frugal and can talk myself out of a purchase without much effort. However, I think I'd shed that habit and indulge in a few trifles--clothes, shoes, entertainment, a sportscar, an everyday car, a few trips a year, a weekly massage and manicure/pedicure, new furniture, maybe even a new house.

But you know what? Thinking about the material things I could have for myself is not nearly as uplifting as imagining the reactions of everyone else I share my money with. I can see them, one by one, as I hand over the check, and they are so excited, so thankful, so relieved. I feel good.

What a great exercise that was.

my friend CJ

I knew CJ from high school. We weren't close by any means, we were more like acquaintances. He (said he) always liked me and I thought he was a really nice guy, just not my type. Besides I was always in a relationship. After high school I didn't see him until our 20-yr high school reunion, at which time we made small talk and he walked me safely to my car. That was that.

Last year at this time he sent me a hello message through classmates.com. I was only listed there because I was hoping to find my best friend from childhood (a fruitless task, she's still awol). Anyway, CJ writes me and I wrote back. Long story short, he's still a nice guy. We've gotten together to hang out about once a month for the past year.

He has been separated for over 2 years. His wife lost interest in him and started another relationship. He has 2 daughters, 18 and 20, who are the center of his life. He has not even dated since his split. I'm not sure why. He had asked me if I was in a relationship and was disappointed when I said yes. However, we agreed to be buddies.

We've had some good times going to concerts, hiking, going out to eat, watching football games. I cook dinner for him sometimes and he really appreciates that. I'm just trying to remind him that life is good, since he's somewhat bitter about his marriage ending. I like talking to him about his family, his feelings towards them, and about his mother who died suddenly when he was only 18. I feel like I'm the only adult he can have a decent conversation with. I'm trying to keep him open and expressive. Maybe I want to help him heal.

What I really like about CJ is his joy of fatherhood and the importance he places on family. I must say that I really admire those qualities in a man. Yesterday he wrote me an email. Here's an excerpt that really touched me:

Yes I am enjoying my daughters' company. It is a good thing for my Soul, can not imagine my life without them.

That is just cool. CJ is a good man. I really wish he could find a partner. But perhaps it's not his time. I like being his friend and reminding him that he is worthy of having everything he desires in life.

outta my gourd

I'm having one of those days where there are so many things I could and should be doing, but I don't feel like doing any of them. I'm bored. It feels dangerous.

Today's the first day in the last 6 that I actually feel good. I hadn't been sick for like 2 years until this past week when I got a massive headcold. Now that I'm out of that mess, I'm into another--BOREDOM.

Not much is holding my interest today even though it's finally warmer out, snow is melting and the sun's shining, and I'm feeling good again for God's sake! The kids are at their dad's and I'm listening to good tunes all by myself. No one to bug me or need anything from me. A wide open day and I don't know what the hell to do with it.

Two hours later: I've vacuumed the house, scraped ice off my driveway, fantasized about sex (while doing those things), looked through the cupboards, started a load of laundry and finally I realized what my problem is. In this last week I've forgotten who I am.

I've had very little chance to do something that makes me feel good about myself. No great work accomplishments (I could barely function), no profound moments as mother (that was also a struggle being sick), and no sex. Rob seemed a little scared of catching what I had, so he stayed away. Not that I was in the mood for sex anyway...and he called me a couple times a day asking if I needed anything, he brought me flowers on Friday night and visited (cautiously) for a couple hours. He was very sweet.

But when I finally spent some time with him yesterday afternoon, I felt like there was something standing between us. He was distracted, or he was treating me different. He didn't flirt with me, holy shit, that was it!!! Now that's something I've never seen from him. From the day I met him, he was a flirt. And yesterday he was not. I felt slighted. But we went some places together and by the time he dropped me off back at home I felt okay.

Last night I went to his house and we watched a movie till 10 or so, then went to bed. We got physical, and sex was very satisfying in a physical way, but I longed for the closeness of our hearts that we usually have prior to getting physical. I'm missing the intimacy. That's always been the magic ingredient that makes our sex so deeply moving and explosive.

This morning was better. We had our typical Sunday morning lying in bed touching, feeling each other's warmth, finding private spots to caress, lingering until we decide it's time to get out of bed while it's still light out. Then we chat over coffee, in separate chairs in his livingroom so that we actually talk instead of screw.

And it was there, from across the room, that he 'sparkled' at me, his beautiful blue eyes. He had been saying something about how he should move his new tv to the other wall and blah blah blah (?) whatever, I was undressing him, feeling his hot skin, smelling it, letting his love envelop me as I happily succumb to the moment..... Then he looks at me, smiles, and says Hey you, where'd you go?!, meanwhile knowing damn well where I went.

I just haven't had enough of him after that dry spell. I'm going back for more tonight. Superbowl or not. I'm going to lift his shirt and brush my face across his stomach, feel that smoothness and let my lips follow that soft fur trail leading downward. That warm smell I can't resist. Run my hands up his shirt across his softly sculpted chest, noticing whether his nipples are hard or not, finding my way around to his back and pulling myself tightly against him. I'll bury my face in his neck, take a couple gentle bites while I grind against him and then plant soft kisses all the way to his mouth. I want a long soft kiss. I want his total involvement. Throw me down on the couch, pin me down and have his way with me. Put his whole being into me.

That's not asking for much, right?

buckley masterpiece

I really would have liked to share this video tune with you, but for the life of me I cannot get it to download into my blog. Until I figure out how to do it successfully, feel free to click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq9R9Iu4EEs

It's the song of all songs, in my humble opinion. The guy was an incredible talent. The voice, the lyrics, the passion. He clearly exposed the depths of his soul in his music. Be prepared to get raked over the coals in his anguish of longing for a lost love. We've all been there.

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Take a moment to lose yourself.

pondering marriage

In the past couple months I find myself thinking about being married again. Nothing wrong with thinking about it. There are a bunch of reasons why I can't actually do it for a few years, so no need to draw a conclusion yet, right?

Well, right. Except that I spend hours upon hours fixated on it. For some odd reason my mind likes to go there. After my separation less than 2 years ago, still feeling and reeling from the bitter sting of it all, I thought I'd never want or need to get married again. And I proudly said so, to my friends, and to Cam and Rob, both who were in my life at the time. In fact they both said the same, having gone through their own marriage breakdowns. But as time passed, I realized there were things I really like about being married.

I realized I wanted to have someone I could call husband, and to be someone's wife. In a state of love, those terms represent something beautiful. I wanted to take care of someone and have him want to take care of me. To feel so emotionally bonded to a person, I feel like I want to declare our love beyond just the 2 of us. And it's not the legal papers I want, because I don't believe that's worth anything. If you're not married in your hearts, no piece of paper can make it so. And I can't say it's a wedding I want either. I want just a private declaration of our love and intent, in any of God's churches, whether it be in the middle of the woods, the edge of the mighty ocean, or under the desert sky.

So why am I struggling with this? Well, Rob knows I've changed my mind about banishing marriage forever. But he has no idea how much time I spend thinking about it lately. I look into his eyes night after night and imagine him asking me to marry him, but I don't say a single word about it. I feel like I'm hiding something from him. And that feels wrong. It's not what our relationship has been about. Our openness has been one of our best strengths.

And why can't I open up to him about this? Because it's messy.

Basically, he doesn't even have my exclusive commitment in this relationship. You have to understand our history. FLASHBACK: We started out as friends when I separated and I was in love with Cam. (And you can't underestimate the intensity and depth of my relationship with Cam. We had gone out for a year in our teens, then off and on for a few years till he moved away and we both found marriage elsewhere. We kept in touch for a while but I eventually broke it off, which made him very sad. Because although he was married, he said I was still the love of his life. When I separated in '06, he coincidentally did too, and we reconnected in a very powerful way. We reunited in a 4 day tryst after 19 years apart. It was an incredibly spiritual experience. We were very much in love, but he lived 3,000 miles away. After endless hours, days, months of gmail chats and phone calls we realized we had to help each other find love elsewhere. But it still was soooo hard to let go of the greatest love I ever had.)

Back to Rob. Rob was patient and loving from the very beginning, and long story short, I fell in love with him (too). So Rob was surprised when I finally did give him my commitment in the relationship. I'd said goodbye to Cam as my boyfriend. Rob & I went on for 6 months like this, then I started to feel like I wasn't allowing myself time and space to find what/who I really wanted. I thought it was too soon after my marriage ended to have made another commitment. With Rob's understanding I started to date. I still dated him (we were sexually exclusive) but saw someone else too. It took its toll on Rob and after a month of watching what it was doing to him, I gave it up and we became exclusive again. That was September '07. And we had good times and good love aplenty after that.

Fast forward to this past August (08) when I waffled again. I broke up with Rob, so to speak. There were things I felt I wanted to explore that Rob couldn't give me. (This is when Lee came to visit and I had my little adventure with the big shot from the big city.) I also needed to clean up loose ends with Cam. He haunted my soul and I needed to know his feelings for me, for once and for all. I laid all my cards on the table with Cam during one Sunday afternoon phone call, told him what I felt for him and asked him to move here and be with me. He said he couldn't. Surprisingly, I wasn't heartbroken. I felt like I finally had a valid reason to let go. And I've done pretty well with that.

But there was still the issue of my need to experience the things that Rob couldn't give me. We discussed the reasons why, ad nauseum, but he desperately wanted to understand me. He let me go, or at least he tried. I was rather amazed at the depth of his emotion when faced with losing me. Since then, I have realized that that man loves me more than anyone else in this world does. And I truly believe that he always will. I haven't seen anyone since Lee. I haven't wanted to. I've grown very close to Rob. Closer than ever. He's good for me, good for my health, my happiness and sanity.

Every once in a while he'll bring up the relationship issue and ask me where I'm at. Ideally he would like a commitment from me, but only when I'm ready. The last thing he'd want is to coerce one out of me. No victory in that. But I have been too scared to commit. I know you're thinking, how wacky is that???!!! She wants to marry the guy, but she can't give him a commitment to go steady, for God's sake. You know why I can't? I'm scared to let him down. I'm scared to ever need to change my mind again. I just can't bear the thought of doing that to him. I want to be sure, I want to be right, I want to be able to stick with him forever.

So beyond all these lovely and wacky thoughts I have to ask myself, am I really ready for this? I think probably not, especially when there is no pressure to make a decision. I think I still need to clean out the cobwebs lingering from Cam. I have some issues there and I'll likely be using this blog to heal the wounds. Rob's not the answer to everything, but I do love him so. He is ALL THINGS GOOD.

I still haven't picked out a laptop for my Christmas present. I think it's because I really want a ring. What the hell should I do? What about Cam, will he ever be completely gone?

first anniversary flashback

Today I was digging through the archives of my life. It's always a joy to exhume a treasure I'd buried safely in my Save folder. I found an email I'd written to Rob on the first anniversary of the day we connected on a deeper level; a day that had catapulted us across the line of platonic love.

When I reread this email, I am filled with the same emotion I felt when I first wrote it. Thought it was sweet enough to share. Still smiling......

Dear Rob,
Thanks for a year of friendship, for guiding me when I needed it and listening to my woes and frustration. You made going through a separation so much more bearable. You made the 3am escapes through deep snow worth it. Thanks for the fun and adventure, for stretching me past my usual comfort zone and showing me how I can get my feet wet in the middle of winter and still be able to laugh about it. For inspiring me to do crazy things that surprise even you. For noticing how moved I am by sound. For noticing me, period. For giving me endless attention, stroking my hair until I fall asleep. For wanting to please me sexually and continuing to explore the ins and outs of me. For caring about my needs so much that you suppressed your own to the point of pain. And for having the courage to bare your fears to me and knowing when to pull me in deeper. Thanks for telling me all about you--stealing raisins, sitting on the roof of the barn, tipping the trailer over, how you got that scar, the darkness of your marriage, the joy that holding your baby girl brought to you when you felt so troubled. It was then that I knew I loved you. Thanks for hanging around through all my adventures and for living outside the box with me, for your willingness to be open-minded, and to accept my thoughts and opinions without criticizing me. Thanks for being a sweet, peaceful, spiritual and smart man. And for telling me how beautiful I am. And for taking such good care of your body because I certainly get a lot of enjoyment out of it. For letting me love you in any way and for as long as I want. For feeling so good next to me in bed and wanting to be close to me. For being a boy. A boy with a very nice dick. And a talented tongue, and the best ass I've ever seen and felt. Thanks for opening your heart and your life to me. As you can see, I have a lot to be thankful for. But most of all it's your love that I want to thank you for. I am very happy with the evolution of our relationship, where we are now, and I'm excited about seeing where we go next. Time sure flies when you're having fun. I love you Rob.

10,000 hours to greatness

According to neurologist Daniel Levitin, it takes 10,000 hours of practice to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert. Researchers have found this to be true across the board, whether it's athletes, musicians, chess players, composers, etc.

I, personally, am working towards expertise in sex. Because, after all, it's what I like to do. And to spend that much damn time doing one thing, you have to have a fierce passion for it. I truly love sex, I always have. In a loving relationship, that is, not just sex for the sake of sex. To me that is empty. Which may sound fuddy duddy to some, but then again, perhaps they haven't read my posts about vanilla sex or sacred sex.

Anyway....back to greatness. Apparently there is much more to achieving greatness than just putting in the time, says Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers, which I started reading this week. What are the magical ingredients? I've already touched on passion, that's a no-brainer. 10,000 hours of anything, except sleep, requires some pretty serious wanting. In this book, Gladwell uncovers the secrets behind the making of extremely successful people.

Exposure to opportunity is one crucial factor. Timing is another. When a person is born often plays a significant role in exposing them to the right opportunities. This is usually followed a snowball effect wherein early opportunities lead to higher achievement which then brings forth even more opportunities.

Surprisingly, talent is less important than you might think. Of course these individuals have some natural ability to begin with (or else they'd lack the neccesary passion in the first place), but research shows that their degree of talent is not proportional to their degree of success.

I found these facts very cool indeed. I can always appreciate seeing new explanations for things. I'm not going to go into great detail about the book here--read it for yourself to find out more. However, I couldn't help but question the assumption he makes.

Gladwell clearly associates greatness with success. Well, who's to say that any of these greats are truly successful? Sure, in all his examples, these folks ended up filthy rich. But let's not confuse success with money. Let's assume these people are successful because they are fulfilling their passion. They continue to invest their time perfecting their expertise for the simple joy that that action brings them.

Which brings me back to sex......

who can do this?!?!

There are probably only a handful of times in my life that I've been awestruck. Seeing a rock balancing demonstration was one of them. This goes back about 10 years, before I was spiritually aware. But standing there, seeing this freakish impossible display, I knew these rocks spoke a higher truth.

It's one of those things that makes such an impression on you that you go around wanting to tell everyone you know. Ya gotta see this!!!!! One's fascination with this artform is probably highly dependent on whether their belief lies in science or in God. Is it a wonder of physics or is there an element of magic at play here?

Regardless of your background you really can't deny that there's some pretty wild energy at the points where the rocks touch. If rocks can be balanced in such a precarious manner making this profound connection, imagine the implications of human touch. Imagine the energy that binds us through touch. Isn't it heavenly?

missing spoon

Rob, I'll miss you tonight. It's only been hours since we peeled ourselves apart, cradled in that soft bliss--that world where nothing else exists--called your bed. I've gone on with my day, and you with yours, but I've never really left you.

sensitive nipples

One would think this subject matter pertains to women, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I want to know what percentage of men have nipples sensitive enough to cause arousal when touched.

This fascinates me mostly because it seems pretty rare in the male population, and it's sooooo hot. Of the men I've experienced, let's say that's somewhere between 20 and 30, I've only come across 2 who had sensitive nipples. And BOY it was (is) fun. Talk about adding a toy to the sexual playground!

And both of them had (have) nice chests to begin with, so the nipple factor was indeed icing on the cake. How incredible it is that something so seemingly insignificant on the male body could hold so much power. Just one brush past it with a finger, a cheek, or lips and the anatomy starts to grow. I like to linger for the full effect... : )

Being aware of how my own nipples feel when stimulated gives me further excitement when doing it to a man. I love making him feel that way (I am assuming it creates a similar aching or fever so to speak). And I've realized there's a real art to enjoying another's chest. I've never had any lesbian experiences, so I can't say I've had much practice with breasts other than my own, but I can appreciate it's a major erogenous zone. We always immediately associate breasts with women. How cool is it then, that a man could enjoy this kind of stimulation on his own body?

One time when I asked my boyfriend to pleasure himself in front of me, he rubbed his own nipples and it absolutely drove me wild. It's hard to imagine the whole scene while sitting here. I think I have to go now.

a sucker for love & tragedy

Sometimes I wonder what makes me tick. All my favorite movies end with either someone dying or somehow leaving a great love unsatisfied. This bothers Rob, who likes only happy endings. I seem to need a challenge and I don't know why.

In the Mexican film Like Water for Chocolate lovers Tita and Pedro are finally united after years of intense longing, only to combust in their first and final act of passion.

In Atonement lovers Cecilia and Robbie are kept apart as a result of a terrible lie and Robbie is sent off to war. Just when we're convinced they finally found grace in each other's arms, we learn that Robbie actually died in the war. He'd never come home to reunite with Cecilia. The story of their peace was merely fiction dreamed of a penitent heart.

Shakespeare In Love is another one about a secret love affair that is not allowed to be fulfilled. So beautiful was their love and so painful the abrupt end of it.

I was brought to tears just last night reading The Red Tent. Set in biblical times, it depicted the story of Dinah and Shalem. Chapter 7 was so beautifully written, so intense with the description of the budding passion of the two lovers. They were devoted to each other and so blissfully happy in their love. I could feel it in me. I died too when Dinah's brothers murdered Shalem as he lay in bed next to her. It was gruelling and I cried like I haven't in a long time.
Over a book!

So why does all this painful emotion interest me? I dunno. It's a little scary. Basically, I guess it moves me. And I like to be moved...deeply. I can relate to the feeling of intense longing, of hope, of honoring a love bigger than two humans could have created themselves. It is a bit reminiscent of the story of Cam and me. But I'd hate to think that I am idealizing a love that cannot be satisfied. Because I do want to be satisfied.