what's in a number?

October 10, 2010 will never come again. But I guess that's true of every other day on the calendar, too. What's with people's fascination with numbers? Do you know how many weddings took place on this date?

My friend's was one of them. He finally found the 'right one' he said when I saw him in August. His words warmed my heart because I could tell he was truly happy and excited to be marrying his lover. But he never pointed out the date 10-10-10, and I didn't realize it at the time.

I heard of another couple that insisted on tying the knot at 10:10am on that very day. OK, that's getting retarded. Are these people ruled by numbers? Maybe they're accountants. Or superstitious. Or trying their damnedest to make their marriage a perfect 10. And their marriage just might last until 11-11-11 or 12-12-12. I dunno. Who am I to judge? It just seems kind of juvenile.

If I get married to Andy I want it to be on an August 1st, the anniversary of the day we met again after 29 years. That was such a magical day. I remember we walked past a wedding party having photos taken on the steps of the art gallery as we crossed the street to the park. As we joked about telling them don't do it!, I secretly wondered if that could ever be us...and I can see it now. Was it an omen? Oh God, I sound like those number people!

to beagle or not to beagle

Pets. You can't live with 'em and you can't live without 'em.

I love my dog, but he also is a major pain in the butt. I became the reluctant owner of this runt beagle almost 9 years ago when my now 'ex' decided we needed a family dog. He did this mostly to become a hero in the eyes of our daughters, despite the fact that the one who would end up being the main caretaker (me) didn't want to take on that commitment. I knew that it would be tantamount to having another kid.

But I soon fell in love with the little rascal and took my very best care of him, as I did with my own children. And, as I expected, I was the one who fed him, walked him, cleaned up after him, and rescued him in the middle of the night when he barked so terrified of the thunder. I also protected him from the wrath of my ex who had no patience for humane training, preferring to hit the poor thing and scream at him in his own frustration. (No wonder I left him.)

When the ex and I split, we decided to share the dog just as we shared the kids. And for the first year or so that worked. Then my ex lost his job and had to sell his house. He moved to a place where he could not have a dog, so guess who got to take over full responsibility? Right. Not only did I inherit the entire burden of time and effort to take care of the dog, but the cost as well. Vet check ups, special food, and an $800 dental surgery that I just finished paying for. Oh yeah, so fair. But I'm thinking of the welfare of the dog and the poor little guy didn't ask for any of this!

As much of a burden that this whole situation is on me, this little runt is the most loyal, easy going, cutest and sweetest beagle you could ever know. He follows me everywhere (endearing and annoying at the same time) and sleeps at my feet or in the crook of my legs as I lay on my side. He has a great disposition and is dearly loved by the girls, and me.

He is absolutely and hopelessly dependent on me....to the point that he is very anxious when he is left alone after dark. When I have left him alone he races through the house working himself into a panic, barking incessantly. This has been a real problem since May as I have received notes from my neighbor that the noise is disturbing them.

I've talked to my vet, tried retraining my dog in obedience and being quiet. I even bought a crate and started getting him used to that. And I've had a lot of success, but not enough. Last weekend I had a fight with the neighbor who left me a very nasty note which really pissed me off. And he threatened to take the matter to the police next. I've already received 2 notices from the town bylaw officer, so I am seeing the writitng on the wall. The dog's got to go.

It really sucks. I admit I am kind of exhausted caring for this pup, and I know I will not be able to take him when I move next year, so it does make sense to find a new home for him. But I suffer from mother guilt. Both as 'mother' of this little dog, and towards my daughters who will have to deal with losing their pet. Ouch.

I look at his sad beagle eyes and know that he is so dependent on me. Can anyone else take care of him the way that he needs? Will they treat him with loving care or beat him into submission like my ex did? I do worry about him. But most of all I worry about what my dog will think about me. I think this thought and it hurts deep in my gut. Will he feel that I have abandoned him?

love not to be measured

I love you more than I've ever loved anybody.

Andy said that to me tonight. Awesome words to hear. I immediately felt like I should say something equally as awesome. All I could muster up was Our love is so great, so fun, and I am so excited about us and where we're going. This the truth. And I'm all about truth.

Because really, when I thought of who I've loved more than anybody, Cam was the first to come to mind, then Rob. Tinges of guilt kind of poked at me, but were soon lost in the distraction of the conversation that continued.

Later I reflected a little bit on what had happened in that awkward moment. And it's important to note that Andy never gave me any reason to feel guilty about what I said, or more accurately, what I didn't say. I was the one who was mildly tormented by it.

It's not so big a deal the more I think about it. All love is different and can't always be measured apples to apples. Sure, I fell deepest for Cam. I knew he was my soulmate since age 16, and he was my savior in many ways. But a few years ago, when I laid all my cards on the table, he folded. He just couldn't give up his life in AZ to be with me. And so how do you rate a love like that? Am I sorry I went though that? Not for a minute!

My love with Rob was such a physical and spiritual celebration. We reached heights I never knew could exist. God spoke to me several times during intimate moments with Rob. That's powerful shit. But the relationship obviously had limits. I could never picture myself growing old with Rob. When he wanted more, I wasn't ready, and when I wanted more, he kept giving reasons why we should take it slow. And I couldn't ignore how I would keep seeking a different kind of guy, a stronger personality, a leader. But the sex was outta this world!! Sorry? Nope.

So who's to say what was the greatest love? They're all great, and necessary. How do you ever measure such a thing anyway? Each guy has his own great qualities or things he is amazing at. Maybe it's not even about the guy. Maybe it's who appears at the time you are ready. I wholeheartedly believe in the law of attraction and I have attracted some of the greatest loves.

just another day at the beach

I wannabe on this beach naked. Sunkissed and sandkissed, awaiting the arrival of my lover.

get me outta here!

OK, don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with the recent turn of events in my life. I'm thankful to have finally attained clarity in my love life and set my future in motion, and I have new changes to look forward to. All that's good. In fact, it's GREAT.

One of the consequences of choosing this new direction in my life is that I've lost my best friend Rob. Yeah, he was my lover too, but the part I miss most is the friendship. Having someone to bounce the daily shit off of, someone to hang out with, drink with, go places with--not that we went many places, but still...!

The craziness of my busy life while juggling 2 guys, a full time job, house, daughter and dog on my own left me no time for girlfriends. So, that option's out, at least right now. Besides, girls just aren't as interesting as guys. So every single night in the last 3 weeks has been spent studying my new online course, and skyping with Andy.

I love Andy dearly, and I'm stimulated by learning cool new stuff, but it's too much of a good thing. I'm lacking variety and experiences. I haven't been anywhere of a fun nature in weeks. Partly cuz I'm way over budget this month (post-vacation credit card to be paid), but also cuz I have no one to go places with.

Waa waa I sound like a baby.

I've decided to go see Wall Street II this weekend, even if means going alone. And I am going to visit my mom and sister. I feel better about making these plans. But what's really bugging me is that I miss my best friend and that he ignored my last email. I don't really know what to do about that. It bothers me not knowing what he's thinking or feeling. I guess this is what breaking up feels like. Yeah, it sucks.

fun with bottle rockets

I would really like to blog about something other than sex, but really, I'm getting a steady flow of material that I just can't ignore.

So I have to ask, since when can guys in their late 40s cum twice in under 30 minutes? Make that 15 minutes...

I'm talking about my darling boyfriend, age 49. This is the guy who brought a supply of viagra with him the first weekend he visited me. Even on that first night I looked at those pills and said to him you don't need that. And it turns out I was right.

We've gone from successful sex to stimulating sex to intense sex over the last 9 months (in 3 visits). We haven't reached the point of sacred sex yet, but I have no doubt that it's on its way.

In the meantime, we skype our way through sex. It's not ideal, but it keeps us sexually connected. This usually involves me teasing him with words, sights and sounds until he eventually blows. Well, last night he blew. I continued to taunt him with a certain strategic pose. He warned me he was gonna 'go again'. I thought I gotta see this.

And then I swear it was less than 10 minutes and he lost it again. I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes. And I'm not sure who was more tickled about this newly discovered phenomenon, me or him!

full moon

It's a day of heavy hearts, buzzing brains, full moon, first day of fall. Parting ways with someone who has carried me through the last 4 years of my life. Saying goodbye to hours of caresses from fingers that never tired running through my hair. Another farewell to summer, which brought me many gifts. Solemn day amidst a future filled with hope.

i've met my match

Finally I've got a guy who can keep up with me in the filth department. Andy sent me this pic yesterday. I love him. Needless to say it's been almost 3 weeks without sex. I don't really mind what it's doing to my brain and my body. I rather like the extra tension, kinda makes me feel powerful. Is this how horny teenage boys feel?

one dirty girl

Skyping with Andy the other night we were both in the mood for love. It had been a chilly day, so I decided to take a hot bath, and bring him along. He didn't complain.

While I ran the water I proceeded to set my laptop on top of the toilet and adjust the view, both his and mine. I couldn't hear a word he was saying over the sound of the rushing water, but his smile came through loud and clear.

It was a natural opportunity to drive him crazy, which I love to do, so I glided the soap over myself and watched him look back at me like a kid in a candy store. He was quiet and attending to his own hot body, but he didn't miss a move.

I asked if he wanted to watch me shave my 'bikini line'. Rubbing the shaving cream all over the parts of my body he was hoping to devour was pretty erotic. Even I could see that in the little image of me in the corner of the Skype screen. His jaw dropped and his cock was raging hard. What fun!

I continued to taunt him after the shave job was done, with extra shaving cream in bonus places. In return he gave me some close up views of his precious merchandise, thereby putting his own laptop at risk in the final moments.

As much as I enjoyed the entire experience, I wondered if I was putting myself at risk at all. I know that Andy watches porn online and uses suggestive pictures of me to get off when I am not around. I'm fine with that. I just hoped I could trust him to not take screen shots (or more) without me knowing. If stuff as explicit as what we did in my tub that night got out there, I would be horrified!

on second thought...

I get the heeby jeebies looking at the pic on the last post. That lint roller almost looks like a weapon.

solo mojo

I've been sans sex partner for a week now. I'm talking about Rob--'around the corner, down the street hot lover for the last 4 years' Rob. We broke it off last weekend because my relationship with Andy trumped my desire for intimacy with Rob. And I've been flying solo ever since.

While I do flirt constantly with Andy via the internet, my body is revirginating by the minute. With a history of sex on demand from Rob, I forgot how to pleasure myself. It was so much easier to put myself in his expert hands and mouth. But it was time for a change.

I am noticing some interesting changes as a result of this sex fast. Like yesterday I was walking my pooch through the woods and I suddenly recalled the moment of Andy's climax when he arched his back with one final thrust and the heavens opened. I shuddered as I stood in the middle of the woods, all flushed, and I walked home a little juicy.

After that point it was one sexy thought after another. I can't watch Andy eat a peach without imagining he is eating me--of course he plays this up to the hilt. And I eat prune plums like they were his balls. Nasty, sweet things.

I like the feeling of having my sexual volume turned way up. I think it inspires me towards new ideas, thoughts and plans. Maintaining a certain amount of tension is good for one's sense of direction. Unless, of course, you have nothing in the house shaped like a penis. No worries, I found something, closed the door and took care of business.

If I could just bottle this mojo, I would have plenty of energy to get my housework done, reseed the lawn, and sign up for an online course all in one day. I feel like superwoman! Then, when my man pings me on facebook asking if he can see me naked, right now, I'm all too happy to jump out of my clothes and onto skype. After all it's his turn to unload, and I love playing accomplice.

ah! bowakowa

Just as I pulled in the driveway to pick my daughter up from her friend's house a few weeks ago this tune came on the car radio. She hopped into the car. I strained to hear the song through my chatty daughter's words, pretending politely to listen to her when I really, really wanted to get lost in this song. I hadn't heard it in years.

I told Andy about this when I was at his house. Two days later when I was in his kitchen washing up some dishes, I heard it start playing over the speakers in his livingroom. He took my hand and led me into the livingroom, pulled me close and slowdanced with me.

Christie and her laptop appendage were chillin on the couch behind us. I turned my head away from her, and from Andy, resting it on his shoulder, so they wouldn't see the tears streaming down my face. It was a combination of his thoughtfulness, the dreaded thought of this dreamlike state ending in a few days, and the ethereal quality of this song, that sent me over the edge.

a la paradise

On our first night, Andy and I bought some incredibly cheap wine. Well, really it was great wine--Woodbridge Cabernet--but so cheap in California compared to back East.

I'd just taken a shower since I'd opted to skip one at 4:45 in the morning, having to leave for the airport at that God forsaken hour. So, all fresh and clean and comfy in my pj bottoms and tank top, I cracked open the bottle of red and poured it into one of his drinking glasses with a cow on it (nope, not a wine glass to be seen in that bachelor pad). What the hell, I was on vacation, therefore nothing was worth sweating over.

We sat on the bench out front of his building and I marvelled at the tall palms above us, and the crop of bamboo growing behind us. Whaaa? Bamboo? I was anxiously awaiting pandas to come for a feeding. No pandas, just Andy, and he's just as squeezable. I love California! I loved that wine!

We drank. We flirted. We exchanged adoring looks till it got dark. Hey, let's go for a walk he said. He took my hand and we walked up a block to Santa Monica Blvd. Around the corner and he led me into a world I'd never seen before. The city was alive.

It was a beautiful balmy night, but just chilly enough to make me aware of my nipples. Hell, I was practically naked. No undies, just one thin layer between my goosebumps and the night air. It felt sweet, like newfound freedom. Walking in pyjamas is not the strangest thing one would see on Santa Monica Blvd. No one gave me a second look. Except Andy, of course.

Most interesting were the displays in store windows; mannequins made of cork, and chains, a few gay sex shops, but tasteful, and amazing furniture stores. Mouth-watering smells wafted out of sidewalk cafes, blaring horns sounded like symphonies and couples in love paused at corners, kissing.

We were one of them. What a perfect opening night. We went home and Andy and I made love in his bed for the first time.

jumping, falling, catching

I look back on the trip to LA and feel like part of me is still there. As I posted earlier, I didn't quite know what would transpire between Andy and me this time. But something sure did, in a big way. Our relationship has definitely reached new ground.

Sure, the vacation endorphins had kicked in, the location was romantic, plus I was ovulating, so I was in an overall heightened state. But it was more about Andy. It was as if he took this opportunity to lay it all on the table. No more pussy footin' around, being politely patient and taking time to get to know each other.

Andy was more open and expressive than ever before. I found he would look into my eyes and tell me how much he loved me, and say stuff about our future together. He was as attentive to me in public as he was when we were alone. He wondered out loud what our baby's nose would look like, then I had to remind him that we could only dream about that, and we wouldn't be making one.

On the 2nd night we shared a glass of wine on the bench out front of his building. The sun had set and it was cool, so I sat close with his arm around me. He took my hand in his, looked me in the eyes and said If you jump, I will catch you.

He said so many other things that showed he truly believes in us. He dreams big, and when I join in, our dreams become very powerful. I feel there's nothing we can't do or have. I am so caught in the wave of hope and happiness that I can think of nothing else.

Ever since I came home I have had such clarity of thought. I feel what it would be like to live with Andy (and Christie) in LA. I want it very much. I see a whole plan ahead of me and I can break down into a million steps all the things I need to do to get there. Work feels less important and I no longer feel as stressed about my job or boss. I feel like I will be gone from there soon.

Also, since being back I have seen Rob a couple times, only to fill him in on the seriousness of my relationship with Andy. Much to his disappointment, I cannot be intimate with him anymore. I feel like I am in a committed relationship. And I like how that feels. I feel no guilt, I feel no sadness. This feels right.

It`s important to me now to stay on track, and to focus on the goal. Seeing Rob would distract me and I don`t want anything to interrupt this wonderful momentum. I have to believe as strongly as Andy does that this is ours. Because I want to be brave enough to jump.

family dreams

One of the things that worried me during my marriage was that my 2 daughters would view their parents' relationship as a normal marriage. This saddened me greatly (among other things). I dreaded the possibility that they would seek a marriage just like ours for themselves, one with so little love, affection and interaction.

So naturally, when I left their dad, I had dreams of a new relationship in which my daughters would witness love and respect between a man and woman. I specifically wanted them to see a man adore me and treat me in a loving way. I knew I would have no trouble showing affection as long as I felt loved. As they were young teenagers then, I figured the timing was vital because they would soon be sizing up partners of their own.

Inasmuch as I knew I would have a loving relationship (and I've been blessed enough to be in my 3rd one post-marriage), it hasn't been till now that I could see a man blending into my family. Although Rob has been loving and supportive over the last 4 years, he has kept his distance from my girls for various reasons, and they have never embraced him. Maria outright dislikes him through no fault of his own. Christie is indifferent towards Rob.

Andy entered our lives a year ago. In October 09 we started skyping and it was then that Christie was introduced to Andy and caught a glimpse of Mom's new relationship. She liked Andy because he is as zany as she is. He's funny, he burps loud (like us) and he knows some famous people. What more could a teenager ask for? Plus Christie noticed how much I laughed when I would talk to him. Maria had already moved to her dad's, so she didn't know much about Andy until he visited here in January.

It was then that it hit me. Andy stayed in our house for 4 days. It was the most comfortable, natural thing. It felt like he belonged. He was so great with Christie, and with my dog, as if he already lived here. When I saw him in the livingroom with Christie just talking and hanging out, I felt like we were a family. I was moved.

When I booked the trip to LA, and asked if I could bring Christie along to see if she liked it, he didn't hesitate to say yes. What man would do that?! He knows she's a great kid, but still, this was to be our vacation time and he has a one bedroom apartment.

So the time comes after much waiting. Christie and I make the trip to LA, our first time across the big US of A. We land at LAX and manage to find our way to the pick up area. Taking the final descent on the escalator, first I see a pair of feet I recognize, then legs, then 2 bouquets in brown wrap. It's Andy and he's brought flowers for Christie and for me. How thoughtful is that...

The whole week he looked after me and my daughter. Made sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed. He cooked special stuff for her and wouldn't even let her help with dishes. I think he spoiled her a bit, but I let him. He won huge points with me and warmed my heart immensely.

Andy won Christie over as well. By day 2 she wanted to move to LA. After an outing with Andy's 17-yr old son Angelo, she said she'd never look at the boys back home the same way again. He'd made quite an impression on her. She climbed into the car with us and declared that Angelo was now her brother so Andy and I better get married! When I hollered I love you to Andy from across the room, she said me too! She hugged Andy several times during the trip, and especially when we said goodbye at the airport.

It's falling into place nicely. We love Andy and Andy loves us. Nice to see my family dreams coming true at last.