hangin on to august

As the last few days of August tick away, I feel a need to hang onto it. It was a good month.

It started off with a perfect day. August 1st Andy and I spent the day together getting reacquainted, and laughing a lot. He fueled my creativity. Life hasn't been the same since.

My former boss made his final departure from the company, chased away by the mean old witch (new boss). But at least this time he left in good health and with a much better position to go to. We gave him a nice send off with the help of 3 vodka martinis. I miss him around the office. Life hasn't been the same since.

Mid-August marked Maria's 18th birthday. A milestone in itself, her birthday seemed to trigger her forgiveness too. We've shared some great times together like watching family videos, quiet conversations and a crazy fun shopping trip to Toronto. Life hasn't been the same since.

I feel I'm on the brink of something bigger and better. I've been watching great things happening all around me. Now it's my turn. But let me say goodbye to August first.

x

summer lovers

Do you believe how young Peter Gallagher was in this movie? I know, it's an oldie, but it was one of my favorites for a long time. When I saw it at 19, it was certainly an eye-opener as far as experimental relationships go. Plus it was my first glimpse of beautiful Santorini which has since become my dream destination.

Threesomes. I've never had one, but have thought about it enough times. I would definitely try it if the combo was right, and I even see the possibility of having a longterm 3-way relationship. There could be some great advantages actually. I obviously could love a man, but I believe I could also love a woman. Then again, I wouldn't argue with having two men either! Think 2 would be enough?

Imagine that.

In this movie I love watching the interaction among the three of them. Their sexual energy is sweetened by the fact that they care for each other. And it all takes place in the most breathtaking spot on the planet. Ahhh, those whitewashed buildings set against the deep blue Aegean mirrored by the clear blue sky. Blue white blue. Insanely beautiful. It's all so simple, and pure, and provocative.

the pendulum swings

An interesting combination of events has occurred in the last 24 hours. All I'm thinking is here I go again.

Two nights ago I found myself chatting online with Andy, flirting aimlessly during the wee hours in a tone reminiscent of my days with Cam. It's amazing how brave and brazen one can get behind the computer screen. Before you know it you're talking about waking up in bed together. Fun as it was at the time, afterwards I'm thinking what the hell happened there?

The next morning I woke up to the phone ringing. It's the owner of the shop that is working on my car right now. He tells me it's gonna cost another $400 to fix my car and I suddenly feel sick. So immediately I call Rob and he proceeds to talk me down off the ledge. And I feel so completely grateful. And I also realize how little I've appreciated Rob lately.

Then I check my email and see the usual forward from Mom--one of Neale Donald Walsch's Messages from God. This one's on attitude and how your attitude is the one and only thing that shapes your life and creates your reality. And I realize that if I think I am unsatisfied and unfulfilled, then of course I will be. These Messages from God often hit me like a ton of bricks--I love them. They really help set me straight.

So later in the day when Rob comes over, I notice how alluring his blue eyes have gotten, and I simply have to have him. So we make passionate love all afternoon. And all of a sudden he sounds much more interesting, and seems to be paying more attention to me too. My recent lack of enthusiasm towards him seems to have reversed itself. We went out last night to a concert and had an awesome time together.

I spent most of today with Rob, too, and felt a lot closer to him than I have since the day I first saw Andy. I have not even wanted to contact Andy today, or needed to, is more accurate. I seem to have pulled away in defense. I think I scared myself the other night. Plus, after the chat I was left with a nagging feeling that Andy is more interested in romance than in truly knowing me. I have so many questions I want answered, and I'm not sure he wants me to be so concerned about where things are going. The romance factor is very tempting, but I need to substantiate it.

This whole series of events reminds me that I've been here before. I don't know why I keep returning to this very spot. Into Rob, disappointed with Rob, into another guy, disappointed again, back to Rob, over and over. Also, this online flirtation is so friggin addicting. I recognize the cycle from my time with Cam, yet it appears I don't have very good control over myself. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I want yet. Maybe these guys are giving me something I really need that I just can't get from Rob. I'm a bit fucked up at the moment!

dare i?

Scared, that's me. Or is it conservative? Whatever I am, I know that it holds me back. I have a habit of being too cautious in work, in relationships, in adventure. In fact, I stick with the known so long that I get numb. And time passes.

Despite nudges from others, frustration with current conditions, even in the face of divine messages, here I sit inspired by all I can imagine, but afraid to move.

I recently asked myself What's bigger, your dreams or your fears? I know my dreams are big. They consume a lot of my time. I can easily get lost in my dreams as they involve all the things I crave--true love, inspiration, fulfillment, joy. I even feel like these things are achievable. They are dangling right in front of me. I know they are waiting for me if I'd only make the leap.

That damn F word stops me. Fear of losing what I have. I hate the thought of moving backwards or losing what I've already attained (a comfortable love, steady income, savings, my children's happiness). These are the reasons I stay put. So I just keep running on the wheel, but really I'm not getting anywhere. I am maintaining my life. But it doesn't feel like enough.

More time passes. I am angry at myself for settling when I know there's something huge just waiting for me.

anew

The day after Maria's birthday party, I called her to tell her that I had the check ready for her university tuition. She said she would stop by to pick it up and she asked what I was doing (tonight). This was a highly unusual question coming from her.

A half hour later Maria was here and I soon got the sense that she wanted to hang out. With me! I asked if she was hungry and I threw together some food. She talked about a lot of stuff, even asked me how my day was. All these niceties came as such a pleasant surprise that I found myself asking "Who is this person?" It was incredible and wonderful. I enjoyed every second of it.

She left the table after eating, grabbed one of my treasured photo albums (of the kids when they were little) and plopped herself down on the couch. I joined her and together we leafed through all 4 volumes of her childhood. I can't tell you how rewarding that felt, for her to want to open up the past, and relive the fondest memories.

Maria mentioned that she'd read the letter I'd given her the other night. She said it was nice and it had actually made her want to have children someday. Although that hadn't been my intent with the letter, it certainly sounded positive and I was glad it had left her feeling warm and fuzzy. I was touched.

Maria left around 9:30pm. I went up to my room and just stared at the wall in amazement at what had just occurred. It was a bit like a dream. It was certainly a gift. I emailed her, writing just a simple Thanks. That was nice.

The next morning I got an email reply from her. A long, heartfelt message that was very well written, I must say. She wants us to forgive and accept each other and work towards healing the past. Music to my ears. But my favorite part of her message read

Despite all of the hurtful things that we have done & said to each other, i know that we will always be there for each other in the end. Like you said, love like this never dies. I love you and miss you.

maria turns 18

Tonight I'm thinking of Maria. She just left after spending 9 hours here. Nine hours willingly spent at my house. I like that.

Today we celebrated her 18th birthday. I threw a party for her. I prepared a feast for my family and then we talked and just relaxed together. Simple. Nice.

What's interesting is that Maria decided to stay long after the rest of the family had left. We rented a movie and watched it, Maria on one side of me, Christie on the other. No attitude, no arguments, just simple, pleasant times.

There were days I couldn't imagine experiencing something like this again. We've been through a lot, Maria and I.

I sent her off with a special gift, a letter I had written to her 11 days before she was born. I had written it with the intention of saving it for her 18th birthday. It spoke all my heartfelt thoughts about having my first baby, the excitement of welcoming her into my life, and all my wishes and dreams for her. She will read it later when she is alone. I hope it moves her.

tune of the month - heaven stood still

I'm not sure I've ever heard a more beautiful song. Andy posted this song as a tribute to Willy DeVille who died suddenly last week. Andy, artist of words, has once more brought my attention to something that leaves me breathless.

my 100th post

Wow. I'm a little surprised I've made it this far in my 'online diary experiment' and more surprised that I still love doing this thing called blogging.

This calls for a celebration.

up, down, off, on

I feel like Rob and I are living on a perpetual seesaw. When I'm really up about him, he seems flat. Then when I (disappointedly) come down from my high, he goes up. We never seem to be on the same level in this relationship. I am frustrated.

Rob is now starting to hint at living together. This comes about 3 months after I needed to hear something like this, back when I needed hope, not reasons why it wasn't the right time, or reminders of let's not get head of ourselves.

Mentally, I've moved away from that plan. Frankly, the dream died awhile ago. I wasn't feeling a level of excitement from him that was anywhere near mine. I'm onto bigger thoughts, new dreams and less dependence on his love for me, which is kind of what he suggested months ago when he asked why it mattered how much he loved me (when what should really matter was how much I love him). He had a point. But so did I.

This summer I have found fulfillment in friends and family. I've spent less time with Rob than ever before, except for sleeping together. I've gone back to my hometown every weekend except one this summer, and have had amazing fun with family and friends. Rob came with me once.

I have broken out of the small town bubble I've been hibernating in the last few years. Starting to feel more in touch with the world and branching out into new things and people, which has been intensely satisfying.

I don't know where this leaves my relationship with Rob. He's done me no wrong. He most certainly is still my comfort, my friend and my lover. But he's not a life partner. My life partner will have an excitement for a future with me--not a blind faith, but strong faith in our love, instead of finding all the obstacles and issues that prevent us from being together.

I want to be ONE with my partner.

4 days later

...and I'm still filled with inspiration. I feel like God's sent a message loud and clear.

Monday morning I was overcome with emotion in the shower. Ideas were bursting forth, beautiful ideas for this creative collaboration that Andy and I agreed to. The tears came and I welcomed them. A powerful energy seemed to come over me which I gladly embraced. Things like this don't happen in the absence of God.

I wasn't completely clear what the divine message was. I knew it wanted me to follow the energy. But which energy? My own creative energy? Andy's? Our combined energy? I wonder how much of this feeling has to do with who he is, what he does, or how he feels about me. Is this about me or is it about us? Or none of the above?

an invitation

Andy asked me to go to Paris with him. He's never been. I've never been. A romantic idea for sure.

Am I insane to consider it?

perfect day

If a picture paints a thousand words, then imagine what a video can do, with music sung by some of the greatest artists of our time.

Andy posted this video to his wall just this morning, after spending the day with me yesterday. I felt so honored. It couldn't have captured the day any better. What's uncanny is that we pretty much did everything in the song except feed the animals at the zoo. And when we went home, we went to our separate homes.

Then again, the song didn't include some of the other things, like how he recited his books to me as we sat on the steps by the lake, and I cried. Or the bottle of shiraz/cabernet we drank on those same steps, overlooking the water that was as still as black glass. Or the kisses.

There was a lot of laughter, total honesty, some apologies, some confessions, an invitation to Paris, much silliness, and no words left unsaid.

I asked Andy if we could create something together. No, not a baby. I want to collaborate on a project. Of course he said. We haven't quite figured out how to do that yet. It's a little hard to paint together when we're thousands of miles apart. However...

I think I've provided just a bit of inspiration for his next round of paintings. But the real question now is will I reap what I've sown?