a swallow or a chicken?

You may have seen an email recently that touted the love between mates in the animal world, in this case, swallows. In the email a series of images showed the reactions of an affectionate male swallow when its partner had swooped too low to the road and was struck by a car.

The male went through various stages including bringing her food in an attempt to soothe her, standing guard, and finally watching in bewilderment as she died on the road.

It was sad to see. I once hit a bird while driving and felt horrible about it, but couldn't do anything. And then earlier today a beautiful blue jay flew straight into the glass of my livingroom window and dropped onto my deck. Christie watched it lay on the ground writhing, beak wide open, until it stopped moving. Knowing that blue jays mate for life, all I could think about after that was his partner wondering where he was.

I forwarded the bird email to Rob with a simple question, "What would you do?" I really wanted to hear how he'd respond. Would he get the hell out of the road before another car came by and hit him? Or would he risk his life to tend to me to the bitter end?

His response:
Hard to say, it would be fun being a bird and I'd definitely be dating a swallow. First I'd have you in bed where you belong not out playing in the road, so there's no need to worry. Nothing is going to happen to you.

I had a feeling he wouldn't answer the question.

the way he made me feel

I remember watching the Michael Jackson 30th Anniversary Celebration on tv back in 2001 and loving this flirtatious dance between two pop giants.

I'm not a huge fan of Michael Jackson's or Britney Spears' music, to be honest. But, and this is a really BIG BUT...I've never seen a more compelling performer than Michael Jackson. To watch Michael's moves completely MOVES me. There is no way that I can watch him dance and not feel him to the core.

He may have been a pretty fucked up person, but the man was a genius on stage. It's a sad, sad story (his life), but I hesitate to judge him like the masses do. All I feel is compassion. It couldn't be easy being Michael Jackson. The guy lived in a bubble and probably never had a sense of what normal was. I hope he's at peace now.

another important day

Maria's high school graduation arrived. She was beaming. I even suspected that she was proud of herself which is something that doesn't happen too often. Good for her, she deserves it. The moment suddenly seemed so real seeing her in her cap and gown. I was a proud mom. I was glad to be there. I was even happier that she had invited me to be there and I didn't have to sneak in uninvited.

The ceremony was long (2 1/2 hrs), but it was made more interesting by the emcee who had recited a message from each of the graduates. Those few words filled the time that it took for each of them to walk across the stage until the next name was called. Plus we got to hear a little bit about each kid. At the end of the ceremony, the valedictorian's speech was so heartfelt, relevant, funny and so well-delivered that I found it hard to believe that that girl was only 17 years old. Absolutely amazing.

We saw Maria before the graduation began. (I took Christie, my mother and my niece.) Maria hugged everyone in the family hello except me. She did pose for pictures with me which made me happy. At the end of the night she hugged everyone goodbye except me. Sad. Oh well, can't change the relationship overnight.

That was a bit of a letdown, but overall, I'm happy that I got to share that moment in her life.

an important day

Today was Christie's last day of 8th grade. Before I left for work this morning I wished her a happy last day. It's hard to make conversation with her at that early hour--I am up a whole 1 1/2 hours before I wake her up. When I'm raring to go, she's struggling just to keep her eyes open. Usually I talk, and she grunts.

She didn't want to say much this morning either, but I felt it important to persist. I wanted to make sure she heard me. I wanted to emphasize the importance of the day.

It was not only the end of the school year, but it was the end of her elementary years. It could be the last time she stepped into the building where she'd spent the last 9 years of her life. The accumulation of friends, teachers, homework, knowledge, the dramatic trials and tribulations of being a kid...was all coming to an end on this day.

I didn't tell her any of this...are you nuts? I reminded her to simply pay attention to the day. Feel it. And make someone happy.

The phone rang at my desk at 4:00 when she got home from school. She was overflowing with emotion about the day--having to say goodbye to beloved teachers, and to friends who were moving away or going to different high schools next year.

I suspect that Christie felt the day just like I had wanted her to. And it made me realize that we need to find something special about every single day. There are many discoveries just waiting to be found, but we need to pay attention. We need to be looking.

A day gone by without notice is just a friggin wasted day.

engaged not

I think life is trying to make a point with me. In the past month, two of the women I work closely with have gotten engaged.

Both times it left me feeling sad, which really isn't how I'd like to react to someone's good news. I faked happiness for their sake, of course, which any friend would do. But inside, I dropped several notches on the scale of contentedness with how-my-life-is-going. Well maybe not my entire life, per se, but for sure my relationship with Rob.

If it came right down to it, I could not say yes if Rob proposed to me now anyway. (Which is pretty ludicrous to even imagine. He is so not ready to get into anything that he doesn't have all the answers to up front.) For me, I would have to say no right now only because my daughters are not settled with everything yet. But I feel like a permanent partnership with him is the direction I've wanted and been headed for.

For Rob, there seems to be a lot more reasons why we should keep our lives separate. I'm feeling a little resentful. And maybe even thankful, because I'm starting to see him in a different light.

I lay in bed last night thinking he may not be the right one for me. It breaks my heart to actually write those words, because I've spent a long time feeling like we would be spending our lives together. I had taken many months and made a big step to allow myself to feel that way. I really was committed to making a life with him. Now to say the contrary seems like I'm actually making it official. The beginning of the end. Do I want to do this??

Yesterday I started shopping for a ring to buy Christie for her 8th grade graduation present. I tend to avoid jewelry stores, mostly because I am not an extravagant person and seldom buy jewelry for anyone. But she specifically asked for one. As I was looking at rings I found myself loving quite a few. I even tried some on for fun! I didn't find a ring for Christie during that shopping trip, but I did have a brilliant thought.

The hell with waiting for a beautiful ring as a gift. I think I'll buy myself one. And I'll wear it proudly knowing it was from someone who loves me very much. Me.

updates on old topics

Maria - my 17 year old daughter who moved to her dad's in April and left me sad
Things are better. We had a couple meetings together where I laid my feelings on the table and tried to get her to understand and feel my love for her. I think I finally made a dent. She not only invited me to her high school graduation, but also invited my mother and her own cousin. I continue to reach out to her every few days. However, I am not ready for her to move back into my house.

Rob - my lover, partner, who I feel doesn't love me quite the same as I love him
We've had a series of talks and need many more. Though he loves me deeply, he is cautious and very patient. He is pretty even keeled, so does not let his emotions run away with him at any point (except during sex). I was missing a feeling of fierce love coming from him (like, how much does he care, how far would he go for me?) I want some sense that we both want the same kinds of things concerning a future together. Basically he said that if I want a future with him we have to start talking about it. He's not willing to enter into anything without having had all the talks beforehand. Sounds smart, maybe, but to me it sounds like a lack of faith in our love and destiny, and certainly not as romantic. Oh well. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it.

My boss - left suddenly in October to fight cancer and almost died, which launched me into a very difficult time
He's feeling fantastic and coming back to work on June 22nd. I can't believe it! It feels like he's been gone even longer than 9 months since so much has changed about the work environment, the economy, and even my personal life. But his wonderful energy is soon to return to the workplace! I hope he can cope with the workload and having to report to a new boss.

Snoop - little furry friend with incessant barking when left alone
Since I started walking Snoop every morning before I leave for work, he hasn't barked during the day. I also give him the run of the house instead of restricting him to the basement. Now that he's emptied out, I can trust him in the house while no one's home. Very cool. He's much happier and so are my neighbors. I love my dog. And he loves me!

Lee - business associate turned flame
We have occasion to email, chat, Facebook every 2-3 weeks, usually on a Friday. He seems to think of me on Fridays, and I'm not sure why. I still think he's hot, but he's not the one for me.

Cam - former love of my life
I think there may have been a day or two in the last year that I have not thought about Cam at some point. I definitely tend to think of him, and miss him, in troubled times. My mind goes to him for comfort. My soul is joined with his even though we lead separate lives. It's ok, I've accepted it. I still dread being tested though. Like if he ever called me and said, "I'm in town and I want to see you."

sissy

I have a sister. I've haven't blogged about her, but believe me, she is definitely worthy. We still joke about how we could write a book about the teenage antics that used to take place while Mom was at work. If I could remember those days in enough detail to tell the story, I would.

Lynn is 2 years older, but I was always the more responsible one. While she was fondly known in our family as the devil child, I was the angel child. I never ran away or had fights with Mom like she did. I saved my money while hers burned a hole through her pocket. We fought, we played. We were each other's closest companion all through the years even though we used to say we hated each other. No one can make me laugh harder than Lynn.

She was always prettier and taller than me, developed earlier, and got the guys. And she got plenty...so many that she couldn't count them all or remember all their names. She partied early, got into trouble early, and learned her lessons the hard way. She was also a wicked artist, something she dropped entirely from her adult life.

Lynn has taken the long road to get where she is. After years of living on the edge, chasing rock stars, seeing how many pairs of shoes she could own, and being a single mom, she became responsible. I think it was motherhood that did it to her. Or maybe it was the cancer. She had the "best kind" of cancer to get and has not been plagued by it again, though it changed her outlook on life and inspired a new, healthier lifestyle.

The chick who used to eat ho-hos and smoke cigarettes became a vegetarian, yoga instructor, holistic healer and belly dancer. She became a wonderful mother too, and 3 years ago married the guy who's been with her since she got pregnant with her daughter (not the father, but that's a very good thing!).

So Lynn is about to get divorced from this guy. He's actually a good guy, just not happy with himself and in denial about it. His bad moods affect everyone around him, so she just can't tolerate it anymore. Sounds kind of like the way my marriage went. Anyway, that's not the point of this blog. It's about my sister.

Once she decided she was finished with her marriage, she opened up to the possibility of a new relationship (the "Holy shit, I'm free" syndrome). So get this........Sissy's apparently fallen in love online with someone from her past. A washed up rock star. He lives on the other side of the country and they haven't spoken to or even seen each other since their ONE NIGHT stand over 25 years ago. Until a few weeks ago, that is. I'm surprised he even remembered her.

Not to be judgmental or shallow, but let's just say he's not quite the catch he used to be. Physically, anyway. Mentally, she's quite taken with him. I shudder when she tells me the things they talk about--going to Europe together, going on tour again, her moving to live with him. I take a deep breath and say "Lynn, how about one step at a time. I know it's exciting to be free again, but don't get lost in that fantasy. You've got stuff to take care of. And how about just seeing him first before flying off to Paris with him?"

It's like she's moving backwards. I've watched her stumble along for so many years, then turn things around and finally become something she is proud of. Now it seems she's returning to her old ways, and it worries me a little. But she's still my sissy and I will be there for her, as always.

a kinder generation

My daughter Christie turns 14 this week. The girl loves a party, so she planned her own big bash, including renting a hall, choosing a theme and decorations, food, deafening music (atta girl!) and dancing. I was the foolish adult who agreed to all of this. But the closer the date came, the more I sweated just thinking about what I'd gotten myself into.

Finally I recruited the help of two mom friends. Thank God I came to my senses. They were a huge help, and I couldn't have done it without them. Plus they made it fun.

We drank wine in the hall's kitchen while 30 kids danced wildly to more hip hop tunes than I care to know. The 3 mom-keteers were shunned to the kitchen, cuz face it, we're much too embarrassing. I guess it didn't help our case when we said we were going to come out and dance. So we pretty much stayed put, but every once in a while we'd peek out on them, as good chaperones do...

And we 40 something year old women all noticed something unusual and wonderful. This group of kids was having the time of their lives, not only getting along, but everyone was interacting with everyone else. Girls danced with boys, girls danced with girls, even boys danced with boys, for a laugh. Everyone took turns grabbing the mic and singing along on the stage. They were having a friggin ball, with no alcohol. None of us moms could say that we remembered times anything like that when we were 14. I think kids have come a long way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My daughter also received an amazing surprise this week from her best friend. This girl had arranged to take Christie to a concert along with a bunch of their mutual girlfriends. My daughter didn't know anything about it, but I did. Her friend had called me 2 weeks ago and asked my permission first of all, then asked me to pack a "get out of school early" note in Christie's backpack, because they'd have to leave school early that day to get to the concert in another town.

This friend went down to the school office around 2:30 on the day, and announced on the school's loudspeaker that it was Christie's birthday and that she had to come down to the office where her birthday surprise would begin. Christie was a bit dumbstruck, not knowing what was going on, but she did as she was told.

Her friend had gotten her father to drive their van full of girls to a city an hour away, have dinner, then go to the concert. You think that's impressive for a 14 year old to arrange for another 14 year old? Well, it gets better!

Before the show, her friend had called the radio station that was sponsoring the concert and asked them to sing happy birthday to Christie at the concert, and they did! I can't imagine the elation that Christie must have felt when they said her name to the whole audience. Oh, and one more thing...her friend got her an autograph of one of the band members. I never had friends like that!

I feel so grateful that my daughter has such caring people surrounding her. I have felt so warm and fuzzy this week, not only because I am watching my sweet and beautiful daughter growing older, but also witnessing amazing and loving acts of kindness in this young generation.

This is the generation who will be taking care of us in a few decades...thank God!!!

tune of the month - 4am by OLP

This is a good ol Canadian band singing one of their greatest tunes IMHO. It just happens I will be seeing them live in July... WOOHOO... can't wait! Enjoy.

why can't all days be like this?

Did you ever have one of those days where things start great and just keep getting better? Yesterday I had one of those days.

I woke up feeling unusually well-rested (I'd slept alone so I didn't have the usual sore neck nor was I sleep deprived from Rob's snoring). The foggy morning was breaking way to sunshine and so I took the scenic route through the hills to work. I didn't care if I was late.

Not long after I got to work did a new calendar appear on my desk--my favorite kind--the little ones that stand on your desk and the pages flip over. It may sound trivial to you, but I am heavily dependent on this calendar to keep my life and work straight. I'd been fretting about "life after June 30th" as if my life would end with the calendar page. And then it appeared--my new lease on life.

I know, even I admit I am strange when a calendar makes me happy.

But it was that kind of day. Maybe my stars were aligned. Things went well at work. I made a lot of phone calls that paid off, you could say. And at the end of the day I had arranged to meet my photographer friend and his girlfriend for a drink. They were in town visiting, staying near where I work.

We met on a gorgeous patio overlooking the waterfront. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. Sunny and warm, but not too hot to sit in the sun and DRINK for an hour or so. As usual, our mutual energy was in tune. We had great conversation, lots of laughs, and while he drank martinis, and his chick drank chick-drinks, I had a sultry glass of one of my favorite wines, baco noir.

As I was driving in home in a slight haze, big smile on my face and feeling absolutely high on life, I realized that I always feel really good after talking to this photographer friend, or being in his company. Some people just rub you the right way. It's one of the magical gifts of life. I thank him for being my friend.

ri-dong-culous

C'mon now, is this really necessary? Why must we make one of the most beautiful parts of human anatomy look so blatantly comical? These new male bikinis are inventive, I'll give 'em that, but not at all flattering in my opinion. A nice dick looks best in a pair of tight jeans or in nothing at all.

flirting to fucking

I had fun with Rob yesterday. I got to hang out on his leather couch and (pretend to) read while he puttered around the house. I miss the days I used to spend just lounging at his house, something I used to do before Christie decided to live with me full-time.

We used to spend whole afternoons cooking and drinking wine together. We'd have a pizza from scratch day or homemade chicken soup day or just plain naked chef day. Once he moved his bed into the livingroom and we watched football in bed, interspersed with sex, the entire afternoon.

So yesterday I watched him doing his housework and stuff from across the room instead of the usual face-to-face thing. It felt good, kind of like I was living there, and I wondered if this is what it would actually be like. At one point he caught me watching him do dishes. His blue eyes met mine and sparkled. Mmmmm. I wanted to devour him.

Eventually he joined me on the couch and opened a bottle of merlot. Alcohol has been good for us, especially me. It leads to uninhibited conversation, something that's not completely natural and comfortable for me. (surprised?) He gives me a drink to see what's lurking inside... or when he knows I have something on my mind that I'm reluctant to bring up.

Our conversation wandered from our kids and their antics to how we might like to tour the US in a mobile home when we're retired. Nope, not a very sexy conversation, but the fact that we had fun talking and drinking together heightened my anticipation of bedtime.

By the time we crawled into bed together Rob was feeling pretty mellow. I was going to let him drift off to sleep, but the position he chose, curled up behind me like a spoon, was a dangerous one. One wiggle from my butt created the spark that lit the evening fire.

I gave him full rein to enter me and sprint straight to the finish line. Time was of the essence as we both had to get up early. And to deny the desire would have been downright stupid. So he gave me his best from behind, sort of caveman style, completely driven by instinct. The rhythm of it all was very exciting, feeling his passion rise to a crescendo and slow, then rise again, until finally he fell and spilled into me, having generated just enough sweat to leave him smelling like a man.

Ahhh, sweet dreams.

what i want to be

joyous

exhilarated

brilliant

uplifted

inspired

alive

blessed

empowered

magnificent

perfect

pissed off

They say that anger is better than depression. I have to agree. It fills you with energy instead of depleting you. I have spent the last 6 weeks feeling really down about my relationship with Maria. Right now, I am very pissed at her. And it does feel better than before, in an empowering way.

When she moved out over a month ago on bad terms, she made her final stabbing remark that I was not invited to her graduation. The thought of missing it was pretty crushing, but that was weeks ago and she was mad at the time. I figured things would fall into place. Since then we've had a few friendly, calm interactions--I took her out to lunch, agreed to help her with some paperwork, plus reminded her that I'd be paying for a significant part of her university tuition this fall. And I continue to call and text her every week, with nothing in return from her.

Tonight I called her to say that I would love to see her graduate. She said, "well, I don't have a ticket for you." She has invited her dad, her grandparents (only on his side) and cousins (also on his side), but has no ticket for me.

A conversation ensued, which started calmly, but became frustrating once again and boiled down to the fact that, in her words, I chose Rob over my own daughter. She actually wants me to dump him because she doesn't like him. How selfish is that?!? And because he is in my life, she isn't. And this is why she thinks I don't deserve to be at her graduation.

Anyway, after trying to reason with her on the phone, we hit a stalemate. I wanted to go to the graduation and she said she didn't want me to. We eventually hung up. Then, as I started to feel bad about the whole situation again, I caught myself just in time, and thought

This is not her call to make. It's mine. I am going.

I deserve to see my daughter graduate. Are you kidding me? It was me who put her on the little yellow school bus on her very first day. It was me who packed ten zillion lunches, bought all her school clothes, worked with her for hours into the night studying for exams and helping her with projects, volunteered to help in her class in the early grades, baked those fancy Santa and reindeer cupcakes for the class Christmas party. The list goes on and on, but does she remember any of it? I'm so mad right now I could spit!

Dammit, who does she think she is telling me I cannot go to her graduation?

mystery scent

Rob brought over lilacs today that he'd cut from the tree in his backyard. He knows they are my favorite smell of all time (and I have many favorites). They are sitting in a vase in my kitchen pleasantly stinking up my house.

The last 2 times I went downstairs I thought I noticed it smelled like pizza. More specifically, it smelled like hot pizza combined with the hot cardboard box smell. I thought maybe Christie had nuked a pizza pop or something, but she hadn't.

Then I realized it was the lilacs. I'm such a dork. What's up with that?!